My wife (T - 29) left me (R-28) for (A-31) in August 2001. The reasons were that I was not paying enough attention to her, disregarding her feelings and not listening to her pleas for intimacy. I was devastated at the time and it came as a huge shock to me as a man and husband (Not now however looking back). She began initiated divorce proceedings (we dont kave kids).
I wanted her back desperately for the first few months and slipped into a depression. After about 4/5 months I realised that she was not coming back to me and consciously made the decision to move on. I met somebody wonderful who I had a lot of fun with (S-25). She is beautiful, has a heart of gold, she is younger than me and we are compatible on most levels. She is an aspiring/struggling singer who I have to support on occasion due to lack of income. I Love her and she definitely loves me.
The problem however is that my wife never got (or never wanted to get) over me. She is still hopelessly in love with me and has left (A) to try and rekindle our marriage (He gave her the attention and intimacy she needed). She moved out and into her sisters place(about 2 months ago), and stopped the divorce proceedings. She loves me dearly and I believe she is truly sorry for what she has done. She wants me desperately and would do anything to get me back.
That is my predicament, I am stuck in a situation where I love 2 woman. One who I have been married to for 3.5 years. But who I have hurt and been hurt by and where intimacy is difficult to come by (for me). The other who I have known for far shorter(5 months), but am also in love with, where intimacy is not a problem at all (but we have only known each other for a few months). I do not know what decision to make, as both are pressuring me to make the decision. I cant imagine my life without either one of them. I have to decide and would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation, and who has made a decision which impacted on their life in a positive or negative way. Thanks

Well, you sure are!<p>please read this link for the definition of your situation, and then let post back with the answer to these three questions?<p>1) are you infatuated, or chemically/hormonally stimulated as the article describes?<p>2) What were your contributions to the present state of your marriage? no references to your W's responsibility allowed.<p>since you are young,<p>3) you didn't date enough women to know that your W was the lifelong partner, nor yourself. So after two months and just another date, why are you so sure now?<p>HELLO! HELLO! anybody sane at home here?

oops,<p>here is the link:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=009754&p=1

Hi C99,
I have questions about these comments?<p>quote:
"My wife (T - 29) left me (R-28) for (A-31) in August 2001. The reasons were that I was not paying enough attention to her, disregarding her feelings and not listening to her pleas for intimacy".<p>Q: Will this happen to the Next woman, you never gave yourself time to work on you? 4 months?<p>quote:<p>She is beautiful, has a heart of gold, she is younger than me and we are compatible on most levels. She is an aspiring/struggling singer who I have to support on occasion due to lack of income. I Love her and she definitely loves me. <p>Q: I've never heard what she likes about you other than your money and a place to stay??<p>
quote:
Your wife said ,
She loves me dearly and I believe she is truly sorry for what she has done. She wants me desperately and would do anything to get me back.<p>
To be honest being married 3.5 years, if you ignored your wife, I'll be honest "YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW her yet!! Did you really give your marriage an deep down honest try over the years?? After the (A) did you try anything to win her back?? <p>
Quote:
I do not know what decision to make, as both are pressuring me to make the decision.<p>
The decision is this - Your current relationship with new woman is a REBOUND relationship. Your marriage could be the best thing for you. You have to get down to where did you failed? If you don't you'll do the same thing to the new woman, then you were better off with your wife.
<p>Your wife broke her wedding vows but never broke her love.....You tried to let her go but never broke your love for her....The new girl, is not Love yet, she's meeting a few emotional needs right now, your wife probably meets more than the new girl thats why you are struggling. No man can love to masters, he will cling to one and despise the other.<p>Its best to have a time of seperation from both woman and pray and look at it from the right angle, from love and not lust, from healing and not hurt....<p>IF sex is involved with your new woman or your WW and OM, you are going to have some work to do.<p>1. IF you started your relationship wrong with sex involved is tough.
2. Your WW, did she let go of Other man?<p>I can tell you this, as long as you and your wife are still deeply in love, the moment something wrong takes place in your current relationship, you'll run back to your wife for consoling and sex. WHY? because your wife knows you and understands you better than new woman.<p>IF you had to make a choice, I'd rather give up and suffer a 5 month relationship and let it blow over than a 3.5 year marriage.

C99
I agree with the replies here.
Get a grip with your marriage. Who's to say it won't repeat itself with your lady friend. I detached from my W and I am still trying to win her back 16 months. I think she's slowly coming round. She did a similar thing to your W. Tho' we had been S 8 months when she became intimate with OM. W is well worth the wait.
Scott

Confused99, I notice that when you stated that "intimacy is not a problem at all" with your new girlfriend, you wisely qualified that with your recognition that "have only known each other for a few months". I doubt that you have been through enough together to know whether or not intimacy will become a problem. Indeed, it is only when things are not going well, as is now the case between you and your wife, that you find out what true intimacy is all about. If you are daring enough to let yourself learn.<p>Let me ask you something, Confused99. If you were a stranger reading your own account, who would you respect more: the man who would honor his vows to his wife, despite her betrayal of her own vows, or the man who would tell his wife "one strike and you're out" and start over again with a new relationship? That's not a trick or rhetorical question, Confused99; it's a legitimate question that only you can answer. It's a way of getting to the heart of the man you want to be.

Just thought I'd share a couple quotes from M. Scott Peck's Book, "The Road Less Traveled".<p>
"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to."....My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision."<p>
"Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love...The first (problem) is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children even though we love them very deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends of the same sex--unless we are homosexually oriented. We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated. The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough."

Confused,<p>I think you should see a counselor with your wife and make an honest effort to save the marriage.<p>You said you were devestated at first, and were depressed. I believe that if the new girl wasn't in the picture, you'd open your eyes to your wife again. You might also still be depressed and welcome your wife's change of heart.<p>Intimacy is a problem for us all after we are cheated on, but it can be fixed. You're not the only one. <p>As far as the intimacy you think you feel with the new girl, you can achieve that again with your wife.<p>My ex cheated many times over the years, and it took about a year, of hard work, and counseling together, but we really did fall in love all over again. This happened twice with us over a 11 year period. After year 12 and he did it a third time, I gave up, but I know from personal experience that you can still find that love again, if you really want to.<p>You have to make a decision. Do you want your wife or not?<p>If not, then divorce your wife as a faithful husband and let this new girl support herself. You might spend your life wondering "what if", if you choose the new girl over your wife, and then the relationship fails. <p>Good luck, Dana