My husband of 5 years is about to go visit the woman he is drawn to. He admitted the attraction in Oct. (after I asked him for 2 months) and he now wants to deal with the physical attraction & then "get back to being just friends." They have never actually had sex but they communicate daily, he checks out her horoscope daily, he buys and sends her little gifts and now he is in his bedroom reading a book that she recommended. I held out living upstairs for 4 months because I believed I loved him enough to be patient, but, now that he recently admitted that the only way our marriage has a chnace is if he is free to pursue this desire to ~understand~ it, it would never feel right to just stay here & wait it out As for me, I broke off contact with this ex-friend months ago (back in Oct.) and I literally have no idea what she thinks of my husband's desires for her. All I know is that my sense of dignity and worth are now being seriously tested if I choose to stay in our home and wait to see what she/he decides. Any suggestions? PS Part of my willingness to stay and hope to make it work is that I knew I had driven him away for months due to my nastiness and sarcasm.. Once I was home in NYC for a few weeks at x-mas, I realized how horribly I had treated the person I loved and so I came back calmer and much less judgemental. In Jan & Feb, my husband had no hope at all for our marriage (Interestingly, he recently admitted that she stopped communicating with him during this time. But she came back on line and they are back to daily chats.) To add to all of this, this other women lives with a man who has 2 kids from a previous marriage and she has no connection to the children so I suspect she might be attracted to my husband also. They have similar interests and they both have really long hair and they both love being on the net. Am I crazy to want to pack up and leave for awhile and let him figure out what he wants? Or, should I stay a little bit longer? I don't think I can stay without feeling like send best anymore. He apologizes for the pain and he has cried a lot lately but he is still going down to visit on Monday and here it is Friday and I am scared. Thank you for reading this. Many of the articles/letters/questions that I have read here helped but in my case, no physical infidelity has occurred (yet), she was a friend to both of us and he still wants to remain friends with her. We have no children by choice. Now, I'll really say good night!

(((((((hannah)))))))<P>that means hugs for hannah!<P>I am so sorry for all the pain you're going through. I wanted to respond right away, so I didn't read your profile... sorry... so I'm not sure how long you've been a forum member. Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts on the non-forum part of the website? It's crucial that you do, they're so very helpful. <BR>In Harleyspeak, your husband (H) is attracted to this other woman (OW) because she meets one or more of his most important needs, and you are not meeting that need. So in a sense, he is "addicted" to her because he needs her to get that need met. (this is an equal-opportunity thing - he's surely not meeting all of your emotional needs (EN's) either)! <P>Maybe I'm naive... but you say your H is going to visit this woman to "deal with the physical attraction?" Does that mean he's going to her, planning to have sex with her? What does it mean to "deal" with it? I think this is not a good situation... it's important that he not go, but I know your control over that is limited at best...<P>Ummmm... I think you should read the Basic Concepts and then talk to your H. You've only been married five years... despite the problems the memories of being blissfully happy together can't have faded too much! Be your sweetest, most loving, most caring self and ask him, for the sake of the love you two share, to sit down together and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Tell him you know you're not fulfilling all his needs but want to learn. Ask him to postpone his visit with the OW to give the two of you a chance to learn to meet EN's...<P>I know this is so hard, your own heart is worn out and it feels like you just can't dredge up enough love and hope to do this... but you can, marriages can and do heal and rebuild, but the pain of a PA (physical affair) is even greater than that of an EA (emotional affair) from what I've read. And, also, ASAP, repost this on the Emotional Needs board, and on the General Questions board... they are much busier than "Other Topics" and you will get many more responses that way!<P>Good luck - please keep posting this weekend and let us know what's happening, and if he does go to see her, know that your new friends on the forum will be here to help you pick up the pieces...

Thanks for replying! I pronted out the questionaires but I didn't think there was any point to asking him to fill it out. I told him last night that I would have to leave (my version of Plan B) to maintain dignity and self worth and also not feel victimized by his confusion waiting to see if visiting her (and her boyfriend) will resolve anything. Her man is secure enough allegedly to have H visit knowing that he is "in love" with OW. It is so crazy! I have seen a gift that I know he bought for her. He never even liked candles but is giving her a nice one. I am not a saint. I woke up this morning and came down and verbally lost it with him. So much for maintaining dignity. He clamly says, "It's OK that I am angry." <P>How do I add my question to EN Forum? I tried but could not see how to do it?<P>Thanks again for reply YoungLove. :-)

The other confusing part of this situation is that all four of us were friends and they opened up a business which we helped furnish so H is curious to see it. I don't rreally know what "dealing" with it means. I don't think he expects to have sex with her although I know he wants to. I read an email from her boyfriend to H from about a month ago and whatever husband said or did caused the boyfriend to write, "Don't worry. I was just surprised. I remember what I was like dusing the last days of my marriage so I understand. Hang in there." <P>So the impression H is giving to OW is that the marriage is already over. To add stress to this situation, I work out of my house and so even as I write this, H is sitting across at his computer playing solitaire waiting for IM's from her? Who knows? It is a beautiful day out so I better go outside for a walk. <P>I'll try to post my original question on EN forum again.

I forgot to tell you that I ony became a member last night.

I am struggling to figure this out. Sorry.

Hannah-<P>Absolutely no need to apologize! I saw your post on the Emotional Needs board, so I know you were successful in getting it posted...<P>Don't beat yourself up about not "maintaining dignity" - it's an ideal to shoot for but you're not the only one to fall short - (hand raised) me too! also "guilty"! Just do the best you can. So, you've read the non-forum stuff - do you think Plan A is an option for you at this point? Because, it's when Plan A doesn't work that people switch to Plan B, and there is no going back in the other direction - Plan B is the last resort. If that's where you feel like you're at right now, then Plan B's the way to go.<P>If you haven't tried, reconsider asking your H to take the questionnaires with you... I'm a big believer in knowing, regardless of what happens, that you did all you could - it's usually easier to heal that way than to always wonder about the "what if's". <P>That's a big ouch about what the OW's boyfriend IM'd... about the last days of the marriage. (((hannah))) Have you asked your H about that outright?

No, I never asked him outright about that. I didn't need to. I also read his letter to OW's man and therefore, saw what H had described. He basically said our marriage had been in trouble for a few years but we never let it show to anyone. (That was news to me! Whenever I had tried to talk about our "issues", he consistently said "Everything is fine. Don't worry." Hmmmmmm. Is it a male idiosyncracy to avoid the problem head on? I suspect yes. Anyway, I am not sure exactly what made H write the letter and apologize, nor what it was that OW's man said not to worry about. That he was just shocked at first. Anyway, H recently asked me to stop reading his emails and as tempting as it has been, I made a decision to stop. (I often wonder why he doesn't just change his bloody password. I imagined for awhile that he (subconsciously?) wanted me to read them. There were a few to young girls here in town where he says juvenile stuff like. "I am so drunk. You are so beautiful. If my life weren't so f$%#cked up right now, I'd ask you out." Lovely reading, let me tell you. Better I don't read this stuff. REALLY! :-)<P>So no, I didn't ask him about it. <BR>