My H told me 5/9 that he wanted a separation. I am devastated. <p>Let me back up. Around the end of Jan H started emailing old friends. He then became secretive and password-protected his email. I asked if he was emailing a female, he denied it. He grew distant, nasty, arrogant. I grew suspicious. Mid-Feb I broke into his emails and discovered he was having an EA. I confronted him. He said just an old friend (he never dated; she's divorced) but he had told her about the problems in our marriage and she was advising getting out. He complained he has no privacy, space, trust. I promised not to snoop (a lie), bought spy software, and continued to monitor emails. He also called her many times so I didn't know all that was said, but I surmised that he continued to let her know that he was unhappy and she was saying all the things he'd want to hear.<p>I tried to show him how much I loved him. I realized I was not meeting his EN and that our needs were on the opposite end of the spectrum. I attempted to make as many deposits to his love bank as possible, but nothing seemed to work except that the sex has been great. He accused me of being phony, just wanting him because I thought someone else did, feeling sorry for him (he suffers from depression-hereditary), only changing temporarily, etc. <p>I was afraid he was falling in love with her. He denied it. He said he was thinking of getting separated, but then weeks later would say he had no intentions. He complained that depression was always with him. I suggested he see his Dr. and maybe change his medication. He said he would but kept putting it off. He sees only physician, not counselor.<p>This went on until mid-April when I thought things were getting better and I discovered an email that she had been in the area (we live in NY, she lives in CA), she had attempted to call, but chickened-out. He responded that he was heartbroken he had not seen her and while I was away for a day, he gave her our home phone number and asked her to call. I confronted him and demanded we get counseling.<p>I went to first visit alone (he got called in to work). The session did not go as well as I had hoped, the counselor seemed to encourage separation. The next week was good. H was attentive, appeared better but still had not seen Dr. Following week not so good, distant, moody, wanted separation again. <p>We went to joint session 5/9. H did most of the talking. Basically went through the past 18 years bashing me for everything that ever bothered him. He feels I was never behind him (support), never enough sex (has high need), says I can't change. Counselor agreed with him we should separate without even condsidering ways to improve situation. I was stunned.<p>We came home and told the kids (d-11, d-7, s-2), they were devastated. I said I didnt want it. He accused me of trying to turn kids against him. Later I called a friend. I was so upset and said a lot of things such as I'll make sure I get my fair share, that my family didn't like him anyway, he just wants a separation so he can go run around,etc. He overheard and instead of realizing I was saying these things because I was hurt and angry, he accused me of wanting to hurt him and that this was just proof I would never change. He threatened to leave the next day.<p>The next day he had calmed and agreed to stay until the end of the school year (6wks). We discussed some plans for living arrangements, etc. Later that night I realized he was really suffering because he was going to sell all the things that do give him some enjoyment (corvette, harley, boat)just to avoid giving me half. He claimed he would get rid of it all, live alone, nobody wants him here or any of those things. I begged him to slow down in his decision making, not to do anything rash. Later that night we made love - it was unbelievable.<p>The next day things were better and that night we talked alot again. Sunday (mothers day) was a disaster. I woke up depressed, he tried to comfort me, says he cares, still loves me, but there's too many hard feelings. He got me a nice gift but my oldest daughter wrote a card from him saying he still wanted me as his wife. I thought it was from him at first but then realized she was trying to keep us together. Everything blew up, I was crying, she was crying, he was crying. He nearly had a breakdown. We talked. Rest of day was difficult.<p>Next day talked a lot again. I keep trying to convince him that I am sincere in wanting him. He thinks I would be happier with someone else. He questions my love for him. I admit I didn't show him the way I should have. I have realized so much in the last 3 months-about how I have acted, not acted, to let go of resentment, past anger, and to show support, respect, and love. I just hope it is not too late to convince him. I also feel his depression has alot to do with his feelings of giving up on the marriage (he is also hitting 40 this year, as am I). He says he will see his Dr. this week. We have been together 18 years, married nearly 14, have 3 children, little debt, good jobs, and actually a good life. He lost both his father and brother to cancer at young ages and death is another issue with him.He doesn't feel couseling will help (after our joint session I wonder also). What can I do to save this marriage? Is it too far gone? I can't believe that? Sorry to have rambled.

hi, I don't think your marriage is over or too late....I think your husband is looking backwards, scared to look forward in life...<p>I feel you have a chance pertaining to what you said, to me you have some key information:<p>Quote:
He complained he has no privacy, space, trust. I promised not to snoop (a lie), bought spy software, and continued to monitor emails. He also called her many times so I didn't know all that was said, but I surmised that he continued to let her know that he was unhappy and she was saying all the things he'd want to hear.<p>
Above is part of the key...<p>Quote:
He responded that he was heartbroken he had not seen her and while I was away for a day, he gave her our home phone number and asked her to call. I confronted him and demanded we get counseling.<p>He needs conversation and attention [compliments]<p>Quote:
Basically went through the past 18 years bashing me for everything that ever bothered him. He feels I was never behind him (support), never enough sex (has high need), says I can't change.<p>This is where the open door to the AFFAIR is fueling him..<p>Now look at this, he said you can't change? Continue to work on you inside and outside. Become that attractive woman again, this will scare him to run to you because you changed and he don't want to lose you.. Remember still loves to have SEX with you, thats a big plus.. you can still take him to your secret place.<p>
Quote;
Later that night we made love - it was unbelievable.
The next day things were better and that night we talked alot again. Sunday (mothers day) was a disaster. I woke up depressed, he tried to comfort me, says he cares, still loves me, but there's too many hard feelings.<p> Two depressed people will not build a strong marriage, somebody needs to stand up and dig out of the rut... try going to church or something, get your spiritual man alive, most of work on you.

I agree that the marriage isn't over yet, but there are a few things you should do.<p>First, have you read the welcome post at the beginning pade of the discussion forum. Please do so if you have not already. It will get you started down the MB (Marriage builders) road. You should also read SAA (Surviving an Affair)by Harley if you haven't already. It will explain what your H is going through right now and help you decide how to deal with it.<p>It is really important right now not to beg or plead or look desparate(I know it seems impossible to do, but you can do it). It's time for you to read up again on the principles so that you can make some good decisions for your life.<p>Don't rush into agreeing to anything like selling things or the house. Right now emotions are running high and both of you may regret it later. <p>Get a support system for you in place if you haven't already. It also sounds like you need to read the section on how to find a good counselor because a counselor that would recommend separation is not one who seems to support marriage - at least in my book. When interviewing counselors they should be able to tell you a little bit about what they usually recommend, and separation shouldn't be one of them. <p>Remember - it's easier to Plan A when the other spouse is in the house.<p>It is important right now to continue to meet the EN's of your husband. He thinks that the changes aren't lasting only because you haven't done them for long enough for him to see that they are. Plan A usually lasts 6 mos. Also, try your hardest not to LB(love bust) - vent here if you have to. Your H will certainly remember the one LB out of a week of meeting ENs right now so it's important to work hard at this. Also, you can't expect much from your H right now. He will not be meeting any of your ENs while he's in the middle of the EA or in the middle of withdrawal - which it sounds like he is in. REad up on withdrawal and know that it is very real - just like an alcoholic. He will be sad about the end of his relationship with the OW(other woman). <p>The book Divorcebusting and The Divorce Rememdy by Michelle Werner-Davis also has some good techiniques to use. The Power of A Praying Wife is also a good book. Another one is How to Win YOur Husband Back Before It's Too Late by Gary Smalley. This book really helps you to focus on where the focus needs to be - you.<p>Just right now remember to take care of yourself. Turn to your support system when feeling down. Know that what you are going through is terrible and painful but that you will get through it. Try to move slowly through this and don't act on everything your H says or suggests - remember - he's emotional and confused right now too. Try to stay away from relationship talk and see if you can get him to just stay at home and see how things go for a while, while you do some of the MB principles.<p>And most of all say a few prayers because God will carry you and your family through this. K

Thanks so much for the quick responses and for being positive. I have read nearly everything this site has to offer and can see what I have done wrong.<p>As far as the EA being over, he admitted to calling her prior to our counseling session but claims to not have had any additional since. I am afraid once he tells her he is planning to leave, she will encourage it and come back for a visit. She admitted to feeling guilty about their secretive contact, claimed to not act on anything while he was married, but let it be clearly known that if he wasn't married it would be a different story.<p>He has opened up a lot about her, giving examples of why 20 years ago he never had a romantic relationship (she doesn't appear to be his type). He also agrees that she was wrong in helping hurt me (the two of them set me up with some unbelievable emails to finally get me to admit I was spying). He also admits a lot of her talk about herself was bragging and that she did make him feel good about himself. He confided in her about his depression because he is embarassed and didn't want friends, family, coworkers to know. He has no male friends he would trust with this info. He even felt he could not tell me, although I was aware of it-just not to the severe level that it actually exists.<p>Unfortunately, because of my distraught state, I told a friend of mine, my mother and 2 of my sisters. My friend suffers from depression also and has offered to talk to him. My mother kind of guessed it (although he doesn't believe me) and my sisters were very understanding. He feels they will all think less of him and I am afraid he will fear reconciliation due to his pride. I realize I was wrong but felt it better help them understand what I and he was going through.<p>I wish I could take back so much I have said and done. I just seem to keep making worse and worse mistakes. I have tried to remain attractive. I've lost some weight (although I'm fairly slim), wore more flattering clothes, kept up hair and makeup, bought sexy lingerie. Seems to have noticed, but not making any real difference. He comments positively on how I look, how soft my skin is, etc. but is still willing to give me up. I realize alot has to do with improving inside as well and I have been trying. He thinks its all temporary.<p>If all goes fairly well for, do you think 6 wks will give me enough time to at least convince him to stay on longer? Our kids will be hurt so if he leaves. I have offered to give him the separation if he really must have it after the 6 wks, but I am afraid of out-of-sight,out-of-mind as Dr. H says.

Don't try to figure him out, because of the OW is in the picture and he's not going to be true to you or himself or her...Its an Illusion. He will do things because she has him feeling good about himself right now, not all your fault, he still has to take responsibility for his actions, he's almost 40....<p>Once again to make a permanant change to yourself, it don't appear your problems are outward, but more inward...if you nag a lot, ask yourself why? fix what he complains about you, if you don't you'll just continue on through life never able to give compliments, but discourage your mate.<p>Plan A would be good....<p>Also you can read his needs, her needs...<p>AS far as 6 weeks, being in the same house makes a big difference. You have to become appealing to him, talk sweet to him, go the extra mile, give him something he's gonna miss, make it so nice if he does leave he would want to come back, if you would praise him in private and in public, this will have a impact. All he's heard from you is critisizm, he needs to hear something else now, build his ego.

Everlasting,
Thanks for the suggestions. I will definitely try to enact them.
I read your post today. Sorry for your situation. Thank you for being positive especially with what you have been through. Best of luck to you.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Laura lee,
I'm not so sure this email romance is that fragile. He knew her before me, they have also talked on the phone, and she supposedly is very wealthy which would make it easy to travel. In addition she has a sister that lives 2 miles away from us. The only thing I could hope is that if he does continue contacting her and they finally meet, either she will look terrible (I'm hoping) or the sparks just won't be there.<p>Its hard to tell if she is as big of a problem as I feared. I hoped if I nipped their relationship early, I could prevent PA. What really came out were all the problems that caused the EA in the first place. Some I knew, some I didn't. I guess I just took it for granted that he would never leave especially with 3 kids so young. I always knew I wasn't meeting many of his EN (sex, recreational activities, affection, positive attention), I wasn't willing to give in because I didn't feel as needy and felt he was being self-centered. Now I realize how much he means to me. We have done more talking in the last few weeks than in probably all our married years. I have learned tons and have made efforts to change. I have found that I like myself better this way. If I'm nicer, he's nicer. The sex is great and I realize what I was missing there too. He just doesn't believe things will change for the better permanently. How can I convince him?