Hello Everyone!!! I am a long time user of this forum!! I found out my wife was having an affair Nov 29, 2001. I immediately found this site and It probably saved my sanity!!! For all of you who just found out! I really understand what you are going through (We all do) I am sorry that this has happened to you!! I went through it all It was the most horrific experience of my life! Dealing with the pain, emotional rollercoasters, wayward spose issues, OM issues, Love busting, you name I went through it. I am now divorced which was my choice! I went through plan A then plan B. I am very happy now! I have been divorced for about 8 months! I had given up on my X wife. And moved on with my life!!! I have met A new wonderful woman who I really like!! Now here is my problem for the last 3 weeks my X wife has finally come out of her fog!!!! She is so sorry and remorseful. And I know her - she means it!! She now understands what happened to her how she was decieved and it is killing her that she lost her husband! I am writing this for several reasons. One I want you all to know that the marriagebuilder principles work! I know from experience! All of them work! Plan A and B are brilliant. I suggest everyone make a plan and stick to it!!! Another big reason I am writing this is to seek the advice of you fellow betrayed spouses who really understand the dynamics of what is happening in our lives!!! What should I do? I really like nearly love (which is something I wasn't sure was going to be possible for a long time) this new woman in my life! It may be because I have learned so much HERE about relationships that I am totally taking care of the relationship and it is growing rapidly but very healthy. BUT, I still have feelings for my X wife that I thought had completely gone away! Maybe because I thought that the woman I married was gone for ever! But I think she is back!!! Now I have a huge problem! Someone is going to get hurt and I didn't see this coming!!! I know and understand the pain that is caused by infideliy and divorce and just breaking up! I don't wish that on anyone! SO WHAT DO I DO?????? I will give you more backround if you need it!!! I just need advice!!!!<p>Thank you for your responses!!!

1. Do you have kids with your x wife? How many, how old?<p>2. How long have you been together with this new woman? <p>3. Where has the OM gone?<p>4. Does your X know you have a new ladyfriend? If yes, how long has she known?

1. No kids<p>2. I have known new woman for 2 months! She is not a rebound I have dated several other women since filing for divorce!<p>3. OM is gone! Don't know how long maybe days maybe months - I quit caring after Divorce<p>4. YES, I told her about new woman a week after she started making contact with me which I believed fueled the fire!!! But she knew of others that I had dated after divorce. It bothered her some but nothing like this!!!<p>Hope that helps!!!<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: confused/hurt ]</p>

i havent posted here in a very long time and logged on today to see how everyone was progressing.<p>Husband told me July 2001 that things between us werent great -moved out 2 days later, and filed for divorce 2 weeks after. Divorce final Oct 8 - one day before our 8 year anniversary. House sold and I moved this past January.<p>I began a class at the local church "Divorce Recovery" that was a 12 week class. The professionals who have counselled people pre/post divorce (writers of this program) pleads with divorced people to wait one year - for every 5 years - of marriage before becoming seriously involved with someone. That is very hard to do, and for some folks with many years behind them it can be even harder because the marriage routine is so familiar. So for me or my marriage of eight years they recommend at the very least one year of not becoming exclusively involved with one person.<p>I think that was very good advice as statistics show that 2nd time marriages are failing at the 80% marks and first time marriages are failing at 55%......<p>I too am trying to do that. There is a high percentage of those who divorce to remarry one another...dont remember that stat, but they dont say to sit and "pine" for the ex - not at all. The waiting time element is to reflect upon self and re-establish your own roots. They say our mistakes are rushing too quickly into another relationship, and not make the same mistakes but we overlook other things (Top 5 EN) and so on....so - I am not sure anyone can answer this question for you, but some time without seeing ex or new girlfriend might expose new direction and some peace somehow.<p>Very best.
Scuba

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I found out my wife was having an affair Nov 29, 2001.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I went through plan A then plan B. I am very happy now! I have been divorced for about 8 months! </strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry but the math doesn't add up because that would mean you plan A,B, and got divorced before you found out about your W's A. You mean Nov 29, 2000 don't you?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>One I want you all to know that the marriagebuilder principles work! I know from experience! All of them work! Plan A and B are brilliant.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Forgive me for saying this but if you had plan A and plan B succesfully then at the end of plan B your xW's account in your love bank would have been closed for good and you would not be having these feelings of love for her.<p>I agree with the posters before me that said that you should have waited at least a year before going on to another serious relationship. <p>Joe<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

WOW CH, what an ordeal I can relate...Man all the times you to come face to face with OM's....My concern with it all is will you be able to forgive your xw to the point of even letting it all go or will it haunt your marriage relationship? If she is sorry what is so conviencing about it that catches your attention? I believe in reconciling but also I believe a WS can mess up so bad theres nothing left to salvage,they have to live with their crop they sowed.

Dear confused/hurt:<p><strong>1. No kids - Good. No compelling reason to jump right back in.<p>2. I have known new woman for 2 months! She is not a rebound I have dated several other women since filing for divorce!<p>2 months isn't very long. You posted that ex w has been contacting you for about 6 weeks, is that right? Coincidentally, you've known the new woman for 2 months (roughly 8 weeks)<p>After 2 months you don't know much about the new woman nor does she know you very well. So there's not a lot of investment there. <p>3. OM is gone! Don't know how long maybe days maybe months - I quit caring after Divorce<p>Good. You are getting better.<p>4. YES, I told her about new woman a week after she started making contact with me which I believed fueled the fire!!! But she knew of others that I had dated after divorce. It bothered her some but nothing like this!!!<p>Maybe something in your voice got across to your x that the new woman might be real competition. that could make you appear more desirable to her.<p>
She had an affair and let it break up your marriage. That's something you know about her now, that she can justify infidelity. She gutted your marriage to be with this OM. Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with? Can you count on her to help you get through the rough times? She left you for someone who seemed more exciting. Well, we all get dull if you spend enough time with us. <p>Some of us get cranky and needy if we're sick. Some of us lose our looks, our hair, our money. Some of us complaint about the same people at work, or tell the same old jokes over and over.<p>Can you count on her? <p>
If you think there's still something there worth rebuilding, the new lady needs to know that you're reconsidering. <p>So, what are you going to do?<p>Hope that helps!!!<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: confused/hurt ]</strong>[/QUOTE]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Bellevue:<strong>
She had an affair and let it break up your marriage. That's something you know about her now, that she can justify infidelity. She gutted your marriage to be with this OM. Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with? Can you count on her to help you get through the rough times? She left you for someone who seemed more exciting. Well, we all get dull if you spend enough time with us. <p>Some of us get cranky and needy if we're sick. Some of us lose our looks, our hair, our money. Some of us complaint about the same people at work, or tell the same old jokes over and over.<p>Can you count on her?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>confused/hurt <p>What Bellevue has just brought out is an excellent point.<p>If you knew that your new lady friend had done the same thing that your xW did, would you had even considered starting a relationship with her?<p>Like your xW, my xWW has also told me how sorry she was for the A and wants to get together with me [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Look, there will always be a small place in my heart that will have fondness for my xWW but I know that the reality of getting back together with her is a dangerous one for me and our children.<p>And I also am in a committed relationship with another woman and I would never give her up for my xWW despite all the declarations of regret and love from xWW because in large part of what Bellevue saied.<p>Joe<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Still harping on the subject of a year of more before starting a relationship after the breakup of the last one, your xW has just finished a relationship and she is in no condition to start another one with you or any other man. <p>She too needs a year at least to get her head and heart straighten out before she's ready for a healthy relationship with another man. You may want to tell her this because it's true and it is for her benefit in the future.<p>Joe

Hi. I feel compelled to tell you of my background before I tell you my reply. I found out mid June 2001 that my husband of 8 years was having an affair for 4 years. Yes, I am a complete idiot. I am in a professional carreer which I resent like you can't believe, and blame it for my stupidity outside of career life. Anyway, he didn't expect me to leave him, believe it or not, but I did. He gave me such problems w/ the divorce and lawyers see me as dollar signs, so I've had to keep switching lawyers so they would agree to let me settle the divorce, which was to give up everything, since my husband (yes he still is) is a lawyer himself, and argues that I drove him to cheat, and that he is responsible for all of our assets, and that no court in the world would grant me a dime. He states my professional liscence is worth a lot more than his, despite that I make very little money now while I'm in training. I moved out, had to break the lease of my new apartment studio and rent something even much much cheaper because I already spent $20,000 in legal fees. I even had to pay his legal fees to fight something my previous lawyer insisted was the law but was not. My husband still begs for me back, claiming he made a mistake, and that it wasn't my fault at all. He says it's just lawyer talk, when he says all this in the meetings we had. He leaves me messages on my voicemail a lot, and plays sad songs and love songs on my voice mail. He's still dating her, and I think she lives with him, sleeps in my bed and uses my night table, my closet, my drawers, etc. Anyway, I'm poor, broke, but you'd never know since I'm well respected in my career which takes up a lot of my time. I also look very young (I'm 33) that no one believes I was ever married - let alone with the same man for 13 years. On the happy note, I've dated people but felt drawn to one man who it's been about 10 months since we've been dating. I truly believe my husband is the devil, but this man is an angel. I am honest with him, since I always believe in honesty - especially now. If anyone had the nerve to tell me not to experience happiness, even if it's in the innocent form of dating (and it is somewhat serious w/ this new guy), I would lash out at them. Why do I not deserve happiness? For years before this, I was told all kinds of advice to be a better wife, even from my best friend who said try not to stress him out - even if it means staying away from him. (just before I moved out, before investigating and finding out about the girlfriend, my husband would cry every time he saw me out of guilt.) Okay, my advice to you: DO NOT GO BACK WITH THAT CHEATING JERK. Yes you still love the jerk. When you have children with her, and she cheats on you again, because selfish people like that do not change, your children will learn that it's okay to be a cheater. She's even selfish to beg for you back, knowing you are too good for her. They will grow up and either accept a relationship where they are cheated on, or be a cheater themselves. All that I told you about my husband... yes I still have feelings for him. But every day, I become stronger in my resolve that he is not good enough to father my children. You may think, and I've been told this too - not often, but I've been told this- that maybe my husband and I should try to work it out. But this always comes from people who don't know what it's like to be cheated on. (I'm convinced the guy who runs this site is the cheater, not the cheatee.) ANd I always marvel how those people think I'm worth crap if they expect me to stay w/ this kind of person, while they are worth much more and deserve to be married to someone who likes to spend time with them on Friday nights. Now since I'm separated, do I have to be punished and spend time alone, when my biological clock is ticking, because some idiot makes up some arbitrary time you must be alone after you break up? Honestly I don't know if I'd ever re-marry, but my current boyfriend knows that if I did, I would insist on pre-marital counseling. He thinks I'm a gem and states, "whatever it takes." He's happy to take the chance of being with me knowing the situation I'm in and that I wouldn't rush into anything, and has the same ideas about when he dates, he always looks to see if the woman is fit to be the mother of his children. ANyway, I would not re-marry so quickly if I did ever. Regarding my divorce, finally, I paid my new lawyer enough to agree to settle the case, even though my husband will get almost everything. My therapist spoke to the lawyer and informed him it's an abuse case (emotional abuse), and that for my sanity, I need to get out of this, so I can get on with my life. My training part of my career will be over soon so I will make more money to afford television/cable, and long distance phone service. (I am using internet at work.) I apologize for being so screwed up, but there must be others out there like me. All this to tell you, do not go back with her - she does not deserve you. I'm sure she is truly remorseful, but there are consequences of her actions. I'm sure she felt so good about herself - I think cheating makes someone feel desirable. Well, look at what she's done. Attempt to just get a little ego trip out of her begging for you back, but move on!!! This new woman sounds very special, and is lucky to have you. I feel you should give someone else a chance. Whatever happens with my somewhat new relationship, I am so happy to experience what it's like to have someone who wants to be with me in his free time, someone who is so respectful and honest. I cherish this relationship, even if we are not together in the long run. Okay, I will end this psychotic response! I wish you lots of happiness in your future.

I really appreciate all of your input on this issue I am dealing with! It means a lot to me to hear from all of you!! I knew I could get unbiased info here from my fellow marriage builders. To clarify a few things Yes it was 2000 not 2001 when I found out. The conclustion of Plan A was that I reduced my love bank account to the point I could go away! Then I guess I started plan B once I started divorce!! One more clarification. I decided to get a divorce in June of 2001. At which point I asked her to leave the house and stopped all contact with her other than divorce business. It took until Nov. 2001 to sell the house and divide up property before we could finalize the div. So it has nearly been a year. I am by no means ready to marry the new woman. I just think she is someone very special who really appricates me for who I am. She is the first one that I have come across that I thought may have everything I am looking for! Which isn't much. Just what we all here are looking for Honesty, trustworthy, and able to give love!!!!! I really value all of your advice to me because you know what it is like to go through infidelity! I wish all of you happiness!!! May God keep you and guide you through all of your life struggles!!!!<p>THANK YOU!!!!

janie1,<p>Just because your WH did not deserve a second chance(I am sorry for all that you had to go through), that doesn't mean that all WS's don't deserve a second chance. Maybe your marriage had no legs to stand on before the affair. I myself am a FWS and BS, I had an A on my H and he then had a revenge A. The point is I have been on both sides of this. We are now well into recovery and have never loved each other more than we love each other now, our trust and respect for each other have returned ten times what they were pre-A. Some people just make mistakes.<p>Confused,
I think that people deserve second chances( to a degree), it just all depends on what you want. I know that if my H and I had given up I would regret it for the rest of my life and so would he. But a second chance is exactly that a "CHANCE". Some work and some don't you just have to weigh it. Marriage is work though and second chances are not easy because it is hard to get past the ruined 1st chance. It is your decision on what you do. I will tell you that the "CHANCE" we took was well worth it. I know that my husband is the only person who knows the song in my heart and can sing it back to me when I have forgotten the words. Now that is something you only come across once in a lifetime. Good luck with your decision and keep us updated.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Janie1:
<strong>(I'm convinced the guy who runs this site is the cheater, not the cheatee.)</strong><hr></blockquote><p>For the record, to my knowledge, Dr. Harley has not been a WS or a BS.<p>confused/hurt,<p>If you had followed the recommended timeline for Plan A/Plan B, you would still be married to your W and would not have a new woman in your life to complicate your decision. The recommendations are a 6-month Plan A, which you apparently followed, but the recommendation for Plan B is 18 months. You bypassed Plan B and filed for D, so you shortened the window of opportunity for your W significantly.<p>Also, separation is a state of M, and dating is not appropriate during M. I've been divorced from my first H for over a decade, so I have the benefit of bird's-eye-view hindsight, so I can see how sound the Plan A/Plan B timeline is for avoiding exactly the situation you're currently in. It is extremely common for the WS to want to return to the M within that timeframe.<p>The very fact that you still have feelings for your ex-W reveals the prematurity of your D and the inadvisability of dating. I think you need to examine your own personal issues about that before deciding what to do about the women in your life. If you've been dating since you and your W separated, I think it's likely that you're really not ready for a R yet. If you don't fully connect with yourself (and the Plan A/Plan B timeline provides a framework for this) first, you're going to have a faulty connection with any SO.<p>I lived it. I had the transitional R's. I know the damage I did to myself and others. It's an ill-advised course of action. As you said, someone is going to get hurt, and I submit that it is most assuredly going to be everybody. I imagine if you had followed the timeline, and this same scenario were to happen say sometime in late 2003 or early 2004 (with D having been filed in Dec 2002 and final in June 2003), you wouldn't have such a difficult decision to deal with.<p>Since the toothpaste is already out of the tube, you have to deal with it. Once you have thoroughly examined all your decisions up to this point and resolved any conflicts within yourself about that, then you'll have to deal with the women. In a way you can apply POJA unilaterally--what can you enthusiastically agree to? If you have no enthusiasm for being with one woman to the exclusion of the other, then you really need to think about whether you should be with either one.<p>Another method I've always thought was good when facing a difficult choice is to toss a coin. You'll know by your immediate emotional reaction to the result of the coin toss what you really want. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Original post by Conqueror:<strong>
If you have no enthusiasm for being with one woman to the exclusion of the other, then you really need to think about whether you should be with either one.
</strong> <hr></blockquote><p>I couldn't agree more. Even though both women and you will be hurt, by doing this you would be treating each woman fairly and you can then deal with your own personal issues that prevent you from giving your all to one woman.<p>Joe

I believe it is very normal to still have feelings for an ex years after a divorce. It does not mean that one should contemplate marrying this person again .In your post you state " She is so sorry and remorseful. And I know her - she means it!! She now understands what happened to her how she was deceived and it is killing her that she lost her husband!" I am sure that she feels bad. So does the crook who gets caught committinga a murder or robbing a bank. It does not take away from the fact that these crooks picked up a knive or gun to commit these crimes. The same is true for your wife. She could have said "NO" and not become a participant in an affair. It is interesting that she blames the OM for deceiving her. Why, because he told her what she wanted to hear. How much he loved her and how he couldn't wait to marry her. Now that he didn't follow through he is seen by her as a deceptive [censored]. She betrayed you and he betrayed her. In my book this is called justice.
However, this does not mean that one should not have compassion for her.. I do.