I have been married almost 6 (long) years. My H and I have never had chemistry or much intimacy in our relationship. He had low sex drive and erectile dysfunction but refused to seek medical help until late last year when he was afraid I was going to leave. We have been more like boyfriend and girlfriend than husband and wife. It shocked me to find out there is nothing medically wrong with him.
He is happy in our relationship as it is. We haven't been intimate at all since July of last year, but, he has adjusted to that. No wonder since from day one he only needed SF about every 6 weeks. I talked to him about it off and on during our entire marriage and warned him that our lack of intimacy was going to cause us to grow apart. Last year I forced the issue, determined to not back down once again. We went to marriage counseling, but, I don't think he sees a problem except in my attitude. He told me that he is happy and doesn't understand why I'm not happy with life. It's as if as long as he's happy, he is indifferent to how I am feeling. I usually post on the emotional needs forum but I am closer to divorce than marriage building at this point. It's been a long haul. I can remember at year two thinking if this doesn't improve by our 3rd anniversary I'm gone. We're christians and this is my second marriage and that is why I am still here waiting for a miracle to happen. Also, I am scared to death of starting over at the age of 40. I quit working when we got married because I moved away from my home town. I'm afraid of being alone and I'm afraid that once I leave and get a divorce I will realize that what I had here was better than being in an apartment alone.

It was for me. After 18 years of a man who suffered from the same sexual dysfunctions you mention AND was very emotionally withdrawn, I decided that there was more to life. <p>The thing is if you are ignored for a long time, it does eventually affect your self-esteem and your whole life suffers. The upshot is that life is too short not to try to be happy and fulfilled.

TickledPink, as I suggested to you last June, I think there's a good chance that you're not up against indifference on the part of your husband. It sounds like he could be sexually anorexic.

Thank you for refreshing my memory. I am not sure he suffers from sexual anorexia, but, I bookmarked the article.

Thorned Rose,<p>Would you stay with someone who is sexually anorexic?

Well, like anorexia towards food, it can be treated..and being an adult suvivor of childhood sexual abuse now divorced from an alcoholic / wokaholic..<p>I can actually relate to that parts of the article..I can honestly say I'd rather be in a marriage or relationship with someone who had fear of sexual pleasure..than someone who drinks or works to excess- at least if it's a sexual problem you can still have emotional closeness in other ways..you can still have the recreational companionship, and the initimate conversations..
and work through the other areas..

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>I can honestly say I'd rather be in a marriage or relationship with someone who had fear of sexual pleasure..than someone who drinks or works to excess- at least if it's a sexual problem you can still have emotional closeness in other ways..you can still have the recreational companionship, and the initimate conversations..and work through the other areas..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I reckon that I too would rather be married to a sexual anorexic than to an abuser, but don't underestimate the crazy-making potential of sexual anorexia. First, although the article I linked doesn't elaborate on this, Dr. Carnes claims in his book that anorexia of any sort tends to be accompanied by excess in some other area of life (probably as a sort of balancing factor). My wife tended toward both workaholism and compulsive exercise.<p>I could never guess ahead of time whether my wife would interpret a simple touch (even in a non-erogenous zone) as a welcome demonstration of affection, or whether she would treat it as an unwanted sexual advance, or whether she would simply not react at all. Not such a big deal, perhaps, except that "no" in response to a sexual overture was more likely to be along the lines of "how dare you" than "no thank you". If I touched her, I was accused of being a lecherous monster. If I avoided touching her, I was accused of withholding my affection. There was no way I could avoid offending her.<p>As Dr. Carnes suggests, sexual anorexia has a more pervasive influence than you might think. For example, I tried not to let my wife catch me clipping my fingernails, because she would sometimes interpret that as preparation for an unwanted sexual advance.<p>The bottom line is that you simply can not have a healthy relationship where addictive behaviors are involved and unaddressed. (Anorexia is considered to be an addictive behavior.)

I don't think my husband is sexually anorexic. The only thing that seems to match the symptoms is that he told our marriage counselor when she asked that he has had a sexual thought and then tried to immediately block it because he perceived it as unacceptable thinking..a dirty mind. He said that when he was a boy he found some porno magazines and that looking at the pictures didn't arouse him at all. In fact, they made him think of sex in a dirty and disgusting way. He isn't repulsed when we show affection and he doesn't seem threatened that I will want it to go farther. He seems oblivious to the idea that it could go farther. We have taken two showers together in our marriage and both times after caressing and kissing he came out of the shower and dried off as if that was the end of it.
No desire to take it any farther. It hurt the first time it happened. The second time I expected it and yet it still got me.
He wants sex with me when he wants it. When we were first married I told him that we should be intimate more often and he said that if we did it too much it wouldn't be special. Maybe he was putting it off until he couldn't put it off any longer now that I think about it. Now that it's been months since we were intimate he brings up wanting to do it once in a while, but, it's not like he's biting at the bit to do it. I think he could adjust life without it actually. He doesn't seem to shun the subject when I bring it up and he's never acted like I was sex crazy for wanting more from him. He just knows what he is willing to give, what he wants and that is that.
If a doctor told me that he had a medical condition that prevented him from being sexual and that there was a reason for him not being able to maintain an erection...and that there wasn't anything that could be done...I think I could accept it. But, there's nothing medically wrong with him according to his Urologist.
He is from a very straight family who NEVER spoke of sex. I asked him if he knew anything about PMS or the female cycle and he said no. Even with a sister and a mother in the house, it was so hush hush that he didn't even accidentally learn anything. <p>Thank you for your input. I know this is the divorce forum and not really appropriate. I am afraid that this will eventually cause our divorce. I don't know if I am wanting people to say yes, you deserve better, get one or if I am hoping for a solution so that it won't happen.

TickledPink,<p>It's a problem you have in your marriage and this is a Marriagebuilders forum before it's a divorce board...<p>Has he considered touch therpy?? I've heard it's supposed to help with things like this too..I don't know much about it other than that...<p>Something to look into maybe??

He likes to hug and kiss and he had no problem touching me all over in the shower. He's very affectionate and complimentary. It just doesn't arouse him sexually or else that satisfies his EN. He knew that it didn't satisfy mine but has said things to me like...Why can't you accept me the way I am and love me unconditionally? Why can't you just be happy? And the mother of all comments. The reason you aren't happy is because you don't have the love of Jesus. That one really hurt.

hmmmm...and what does the Love of Jesus have to do
with anything??? I mean..Read the Book of Solomon..<p>What means did God choose to create children???

I guess that's one book of the bible he avoids..lol. The counselor had me read the book of solomon and brought it up casually during one of our joint sessions. <p>Sex isn't everything in a marriage, but, in this case it has caused problems for me in other areas. I say for me because evidentally it hasn't had any impact on him. I feel distanced from him. I feel like we're more like roomies. I don't care if he even kisses me hello or goodbye anymore. We disagree alot and I think that is stress from not being happy. Plus, he is an opinionated person. Right after we were married his mother called me concerned about how we were getting along because she knew from living with him after he returned home from his first marriage that he was hard to get along with. As long as I agree or keep my mouth shut we're fine. It can't be all him tho if we agree on so little. I think I'm more intolerent because of tension that has nothing to do with what we're disagreeing over.
Did I mention that he was married for 6 years the first time and NEVER had sex? He didn't know how.
Evidentally she didn't either. They kissed and caressed. Is that sexual anorexia or sexual ignorance? I taught him what little he knows. I figured that alot of people are virgins when they marry and that once he had sex he would love it and want it all the time...Wrong...

if you asked me, you are still young, and no children, divorce him. . . . and now. . . .<p>he is disfunctional, and the last concept you want to pass on to your children is the same sexual attitudes that his family has. . . .<p>My X showed some of the signs of sexual anorexia, along with OCD, and bulemia, and a few more issues. . . not fun, the dsyfunctions will continue to build resentments and at some point, they can come back to get you when you least expect it. . . <p>When he says, "Why can't you accept me for who I am?" you can respond, "I do, but this lifestyle is not one that i had anticipated, nor would have agreed to if i had known of my future disappointments and desires."<p>So, I say, head for the court, its a tough decision, but there are issues there that can haunt your relationship for life, and unless he is actively trying to be a better partner, wanting to improve himself, he likes life just the way it is, and has little desires to improve the situation. . . . so with this attitude, i say go for the divorce now. . . . before you get too old and the available pool shrinks to zilch. . <p>wiftty<p>[ May 18, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

TickledPink:<p>What is his relationship like with his family?
Not that all problems stem from FOO issues, but
most do..<p>What's his relationship like w/ his father? Did he ever get close to his father? <p>Did his parents express any type of affection in front of the kids? Hugging, kissing?<p>Did his mom keep telling him how painful child birth was? Making him afraid of sex, for fear of getting someone pregnant for fear of causing someone he loves that kind of pain??<p>Did they constantly tell them how horrid kids were? making him afraid of ever having any??<p>Was he sexually abused as a child? giving him a fear of enjoying the pleasure of sex..<p>I know you may not know all of the answers to these questions..but they could be part of why he's the way he is..<p>I'm sure there are others reasons as well, but these to me seem to be the most common reasons..<p>and a place to start..these are also the most painful to face as well I think..especially if it makes him have to look at his family differently..<p>I notice you said his mother called asking about how things are between you..is she a controlling figure in his life?? <p>Does he view you more as a mother figure and not a wife figure?? (like his mom who probably did everything for him, and he married you to take on that role- to take care of his needs, ie: cooking his meals, cleaning his clothes) <p>How does he view marriage as a whole? <p>Just some things to look at..

A few months ago we were talking and he told me that he wanted to get married because his friends were getting married. His parents show affection towards each other, hugging, kissing..not like they just stop everything to do it but they hold hands when we have been out with them somewhere walking and they seem sweet to each other. He told me that his grand parents did the same thing and he thought that was the definition of marriage. Sex was a taboo subject in their home. They are very religious. He is close to his dad. His dad is affectionate but not in an inappropriate way. He told me that all his mom ever told him about girls was to be a gentleman to them and he said he guesses he took that too literally. He dated a girl before me who told him that he was too much of a gentleman. All the months they dated he only kissed her and never showed any interest in caressing her or anything like that. And this was after he was married and divorced. He was the same with me. I thought it was strange and we talked but I told myself he was just a really nice christian man.
Mom was crazy about him. (she passed away six months after we married)
She thought if I let him go, I was stupid. I was vulnerable and eager to move away and start over. He is extremely old fashioned in his ways. It's hard to explain but I wonder if he thinks life should be like on Leave it to Beaver. The only thing that was uncovered from his childhood during counselling was that he found some porno magazines and that along with some negative television and maybe negative talk at church or possibly even home I don't know made him paranoid against intimacy. <p>I don't know how long I can live this way but I will have to hold out a while longer. I have a 13 1/2 year old son from a previous marriage. My H is very good to him. My son has ADHD, ODD, and other behavioral and social disorders. He was adopted by my first husband and me when he was 3 months old. His birth mother drank. I think he has fetal alcohol syndrome because I looked on the net and he has every behavioral symptom. He has been in trouble with the law and the school due to his compulsive behavior. Right now he has a suspended committment to boy's school. He makes our lives hell on the weekends. I can't get a full time job because of him. It would be a blessing if they would put him in RTC thru the court or school. They are having a meeting tomorrow about it and I pray that something will come of it to help him. I love him more than life but I wish I could have a life. This has put a strain on my already pathetic marriage and yet made it difficult for me to make the steps necessary to end it.