Well, my xh has done it again. Just when I think I am in control of my life and everything is calm he starts something up. I have been divorced since Jan. 02. Seems like it has been much longer, he left me and our two children last summer.<p>Ever since my xh left me and our children I have been looking into everything that has our names on it and straightening everything out since the D. Now, I am being told that I am sneaking around and checking up on him. One of the company's called him last week instead of me. I told him that I just wanted to check on things that I was responsible for. He thinks I am trying to get him or something. He keeps asking me why I don't trust him. DUH! He walks out on me and his two children after 8 years of marriage because he wasn't happy. Then a month later calls me and tells me he and a girl he works with are dating, while we are still married. Trust?!?!?!? Please!!!! Trust went out the door with him. He then says something about how would I feel if he decided to fight for full custody of the kids without my knowledge. I told him I would know about it, the courts would have to contact me. This makes me so mad. Whenever he gets mad or frustrated he always brings up the kids and custody. Right now we have joint custody (in a sense) but I am the primary custodial parent. He gets them every other weekend and some holidays. I have been trying so hard to keep the peace but I am about to blow. I am so tired of him using this threat about the kids. I always back down but I can't do it anymore. <p>He even said that he thought things were going really good now. What?!?!?!? He doesn't understand why me and his woman can't be friends, why I don't want to look at her or even talk to her. He still claims nothing was going on but I do not believe him. You don't date someone while you are still married and expect me to believe nothing was going on. Now, recently I found out that he and her are going to be getting married soon. That floored me. I feel sorry for her in a sense but my kids are what I am really worried about. I hate that they are going to be hurt again and so soon. They haven't had time to deal with the D yet let alone this other person in their father's life. They are both young and don't understand anything really. I admit that I am hurt that he is getting married even though I don't ever want to be with him again. He betrayed me and my trust and I can't find it in my heart to forgive him for what he has done to me and our children.<p>What do I need to do to put my foot down without stepping on any toes when I am dealing with him and his threats? He controlled me throughout the marriage and I feel like he is still controlling me now, not as much, but he is. He was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to me. I am trying so hard to cut the ties but I still can't seem to cut some of them. I know the ties with the kids will be there forever but there are still some personal ties that I have to cut. I am working so hard to start my life over and I seem to be missing something here.<p>Thanks for listening,
Kathy

Since your XH sounds like my XH I thought I'd respond.<p>Have you ever read 12 For Co-Dependents or Co Dependent No More - both by Melodie Beattie? <p>I am just starting those books and already I know better how to deal with my XH. My XH is controlling and manipulate - maybe hints of BPD adn antisocial disorder - but whatever it is, always makes everything I seem wrong in some way if he doesn't approve of it. <p>I used to think that was normal, but now whan I tell other people what he says and does, they help me see the controlling and manipulating words.<p>You just can't let him get to you. If you know what you are doing is right - then don't back down when asked about your actions. I know it's hard to think fast and respond when XH is interrogating you, but you're in the right.<p>Our XH's need some lessons in boundaries and respecting others. My XH threatens me with the kids too. I finally have realized though that that is all it is - a threat. How long would really even last having the kids for as long as they want them. And if the OW had to take care of them all the time then she'll LB and XH will get tired of the whole scene.<p>Just be strong and hold your ground for what you think is right! K

GIIC-<p>Thank you so much for your response. I really needed the encouragement and still do. <p>I have felt that way too. He threatens about the kids but I just can't see him taking care of them everyday all day except for visitations. He didn't when we were married so what is the difference now! I think this is my button that he pushes because he knows he will get a reaction from me in his favor. I am really working hard on this because I want all of my life back not just pieces! I think that is my problem, I can't think fast enough when he baits me. I am trying so hard to separate my personal life from contact we have everyday because of our children. This is really hard. <p>I can admit that I am much happier, happier than I can ever remember, which tells me and my counselor says too that this marriage was doomed before it started. The signs were there but we never looked that direction, figured everything would work out. Within a week of my xh being gone the peace in my home was unbelievable. I will never reconsider getting back together with him, I am a healthier person and a stronger person now than I ever have been. Just breaking those ties is really difficult.<p>Thank you again for your response, I really appreciate it.<p>Kathy