My teenagers are a handful and every time I try to discipline them they run to dad, who says, "sure, come on over here", or "I'll make Mom give your cellphone back". I think he's trying to get back in their good graces after running off with his secretary, plus he just likes to get under my skin. Anyone else had this? What can I do?

There actually is a book called Co-parenting with a Jerk. Do you have it?
I've heard that you should find a book which explains the "rules" of co-parenting and buy an extra copy for your husband. Mom's House/Dad's House is one I've purchased but haven't yet read.
I'm sure the books available have suggestions.

The book is officially called Joint Custody with a Jerk and I highly recommend it for all co-parenting situations with any Ex because it helps you to identify the problems and resolve them. <p>It may help, if your XH is willing, to attend some parenting classes for teens. Or maybe he can go by himself and you can go by yourself. <p>Another idea, is to read some parenting books on teens yourself and then share them with your XH saying - I just read this chapter and I wanted you to read it too to see what you thought - or tell him I'm going to try this technique out why don't you read about it and see if it will work on our kids.<p>It's confusing for the kids to have two different sets of rules, but teens like boundaries and discipline - it gives them security and helps them learn control when they can't totally control themselves. They will appreciate you in the long run.<p>Just stick to your principles on this one. K

So much of what you read has to do with the efforts of both parents. Well, if you were truly married to a jerk, like I was, then forget it. For one thing, I know my ex wouldn't read a book on parenting if his life depended on it. Counseling? Forget that too...he actually pissed off one family therapist so much after one visit that she told me she would see me, the boys, but not my H...and told him to leave. <p>My kids are having real issues with their dad because he never bothers with them. For the first time in four months the kids go over to his house for the weekend and what do they find? Dear old Dad has his 20 something girlfriend and son there for the weekend....the kids had never met her and he leaves them there with her... <p>How about a book on how to convert a selfish one way jerk into a not so self-centered jerk. Parenting? My ex would rather create the havoc and sit back and blame me.<p>In the meantime...I keep plugging away...counseling, books...so many books on parenting teenagers...and none of is has been much help thanks to the selfish acts of the other parent...and his refusal to do anything other than what he wants to do.

The books can only help you with yourself and how you respond to the "jerk" when you've got one like many of us do, who are NEVER at fault, and won't read a book, go to counseling or even talk about co-parenting issues with you ... because YOU are the one with the problem and they are just the victim. What they see, is you trying to control them, or saying that they are not as good of a parent as you. From experience, sorry to say.

Personally I like Bill Cosby's Fatherhood instand. If you want a laugh at parenthood thats the way to go<p>231

Parenting with anyone who undermines all you try to do as a parent in setting boundaries etc, is nearly impossible for teens until they choose the pair path.
All you can do is hold firm and not allow any deviances that you can be manipulated into agreeing to something which you would never do under more normal circumstances.<p>If X wants to undermine, he can and will and this is so hard.
My teens and I did this dance for 3 years....they did not need to like me, they did need to respect the rules in my home, while constantly being offered alternatives by their father.<p>When they threatened to leave if I did not bend, they had to leave...and either they did or they stopped tryig to use this to get their own way.<p>My d stayed with me, knows what is offered parenting wise at father and OW and this is not an option for her at all anymore, so her behaviour is less frustrating and oppositional and she negotiates much more fairly.<p>My sons are older and now away. One stays with me out of choice when he comes to visit as he dislikes the environment in his father's home, but the other one has conflicted with me abusively and so he made his bed, so he now has to sleep in it. We have no relationship whatsoever and that is the way it is until he is able to take responsibility for all his behaviour towards myself in the past 3 years. <p>The process of parenting in a toxic environment is painful, and the results are sometimes even more painful, but if teens are totally accomodated so that they make the rules, and tread all over everyone, then as a parent we are doing our children a major disservice for their future, regardless of our relationship with them....just my 2cents worth.<p>I have told my children I am not frightened of them, I am not scared of saying no to them and I can not help it if they hate me, that is their choice,as it is their choice in how to behave in terms of expected behaviour towards others in the home they live in. I have also made it very clear what the consequences to abberant behavour will be, and have made sure that this has been imposed where warranted, with no negotiation after the fact.
It would also be helpfulto negotiate with your children rules, expected behaviour and consequences in a general family meeting when everyone is open to this and not conflicting over any paerticular issue(only the people that live in your home should be part of this discussion). In this way when you have to impose consequences, you are not coming out of left field, no matter how much they tell you, you are.<p>I hope this helps.<p>What this does is take the jerk out of the picture.

Hi LM,<p>I don't have an answer to that, because my ex doesn't do it, (he doesn't see the kids much anymore), but I just wanted to say hi. I don't get here often, but I am here today to post something and I spoke to you once before. I had LONELYMOM for a name when I got here in 12/99. Brings back memories. I hope your life is improving since your last post that I read anyway.
Hugs, Dana

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers, especially you, Willbok, I hear the pain in your answer and can identify with it so much. Dana, I hope in 2 years I have a happy ending like yours, best of luck to you!

Happy Mac,<p>i agree with you .. . my X thinks that you just talk to the kid, and they will magically change. . at Xs house, they are never grounded, seldom punished. . . and their behavior is abysmal.<p>today i picked up kids for my night. . . I told them what we were doing in X's house . . . 13 yo s starts whining and complaining and throwing things around, how he doesn't need to get new soccer cleats, etc. . . i ignore most of it. . . funny, as soon as we got in my car, where he knows that it turns to my rules, he changed instantly (i had never seen it this balck and white before). . . it was the funniest thing. . . he got back to nice, said he needed cleats, etc. so i wonder if this was just a show to the X, the "parental loyalty" aspect of divorce, where she uses emotional reasoning to convince them she is the better parent, etc. . . .<p>Then 10 ys d starts in on me. . . "I don't want to go, brother doesn't want to go, that's two against one, so can we not go?" I said "Nope." and she asked why? and I told her, "You are not a parental unit, and your vote doesn't count as much." then i just ignore the complaining, and in a little bit, they are fine as soon as they get in my car and realize that i make the rules and am willing to use them . . . .<p>and we had a very pleasant evening, until everyone got tired. . .<p>Lonely Mom<p>parenting requires both discipline and love, but neither in the absence of the other. . . .<p>my suggestion is that if they start playing one parent off against the other, that you don't play along, and call their bluff. . . nothing is worse than getting called on a bluff. . . its the old "be careful of what you ask for." Boy, they tried that one on me, and didn't get very far. . .<p>so figure out what you will accept for the bluff, and then take them up on it. . . you will be surprised how quickly they change with the reality of losing the emotional blackmail game.<p>wiftty