My husbands jealousy is driving a wedge between us and its driving me crazy! I love him very much, we have a good marriage besides his constent suspisions of everything I do. Some examples: I went to lunch with my boss who is the opposite sex, we argued for 3 days. He still brings it up almost daily how I "went out" with my boss. I was late coming home for lunch (I work 1st shift, he works 2nd) when he asked why I said something came up at the last minute and he says uh huh I bet it did in his suspious voice. I'll never forget this one: we were staying in a hotel for the night, he noticed a scratch on my back and said a guy must of did it while we were making love. We argued for a few hours until we finally left, paying full price for a room we didnt even sleep in. This example probably shows how serious he is about his suspisions: He runs into his best friend a few blocks from our house with wet hair, he comes home and I also have wet hair - what else could it mean?<BR>You guessed it! It got to the point where I would not speak to his friends or even look at them, cuz he would say things like - you want him dont ya? I could go on and on for days. Please give me some advice from men!! He wouldnt accept advice from women, saying they would be on "my side." Any suggestions will be appreciated!

Lynn,<P>What you describe is not rational. So there must be something else to it. Lets start with you. Have you ever been unfaithful to your H? Do you have a sexual past that could be an issue? If neither of these fit then what about his family. Was his father or mother having affairs when he was a kid? Was he abandoned in some way as a child by either parent? <P>Let me know if any of this might shed light on your situation. What ever the cause of his jealousy (and I suspect it isn't you) will probably require professional help.<P>Mud

Lynn:<P>I'd suggest that you and your husband both sit down and go over this website. Read about the "Four Rules for a Successful Marriage"<P>1. The Rule of Protection<BR>2. The Rule of Care<BR>3. The Rule of Time<BR>4. The Rule of Complete Honesty<P>If you both learn to practice these rules, you have a happy marriage full of romantic love (or your money back... ).<P>Jealousy is one of the most unattractive emotions (or behaviors) around. You can roll up at least three lovebusters into it: angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands. It would help if your husband could articulate WHAT it is he's jealous about. It's pretty clear from the situations that you describe that you both handle it in a "lose-lose" way---you both end up pissed off at each other.<P>Instead, why don't you try to discuss his jealousy in reasonable terms. Go read about the "Policy of Joint Agreement" and "How to Negotiate Successfully" either on this website, or in Dr. Harley's book "Give and Take". It seems that your husband doesn't like you going out with other men. Ask him why. Listen to him---don't judge his reasons, don't belittle the "why". It's how HE FEELS that is very important. Then you should discuss why you did "go out" (let's take your boss as the example).<P>It's done now. But how would you avoid a repeat of this situation. You try to negotiate with each other so you can come up with a solution in which you both feel like you've "won"---you both feel that the other has listened, respected your opinion, and tried to come up with a solution that benefits you both.<P>For the "lunch with boss", it could be a compromise in which you let your husband know in advance that you're going. Or that if you're going to be late, you call him. Or perhaps that you don't go to lunch without another female coworker. You and he have to brainstorm until you both come up with something that you can enthusiastically agree to.<P>If you can't, then you do nothing. It avoids "thoughtless behavior" that puts a strain on the marriage. But that goes both ways: he wouldn't "go out with the guys" unless you agreed to it.<P>This issue probably boils down to him being very insecure about your love for him. I'd suggest that you sit down together and figure out a plan to help make him feel more secure, and for him to stop using lovebusters when he feels threatened. If the two of you can't get a plan implementated and successfully executed to do this on your own, I'm sure that Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders would be able to give you some help with phone counseling (888-639-1639).<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited April 25, 2000).]

I have never been unfaithful to my husband, thats why it hurts so much that he cant trust me. And it also raises the question of whether he just has a guilty conscience. I have only been with 3 men my whole life, my H is the 3rd. I am somewhat of a flirt sometimes which is the only thing I can say in his defense. We've been married almost 12 years and in the last 7 or 8 I have made an effort to stop because I knew how much it bothers him. He also flirts just like most of us do, but wont admit it. His childhood was a nightmare so I know where his insecurities are coming from I just dont know how to deal with them. I have to watch every word I say cuz I never know what might set him off. Now its interferring with my job though. I had to tell my boss that I couldnt go to lunch and explain why. It was really embarrassing! Its not just me that went to lunch with him, he took everyone to lunch seperately to talk about how things are going, etc. Why cant he understand that I dont wanna screw every man I come in contact with? I'm just so tired of trying to bend over backwards to keep him from being mad at me. He wont go to conseling, I've already asked him several times. Hes got alot of issues he needs to deal with, and its not just us. But maybe If he could get through the other stuff he could trust me... Any ideas for someone who wont go to conseling?

Lynn31:<P>You should go to marriage counseling with Steve Harley. It's phone counseling, so it's pretty convenient, and you can even do it during the evening (although his sister, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, handles the later shift). Steve and Jenn are the children of Dr. Willard Harley, BTW.<P>One of the techniques that Steve (or Jenn) will use with you is ask your husband to fill out the forms that they use for counseling (Lovebusters questionnaire, Emotional Needs Questionnaire, Love Bank Index). This exposes your husband to the concepts here, and it's done pretty much for "his" benefit---you'll be taking his input and modifying your behaviors to improve the marriage.<P>Steve would also want to discuss your progress and get input from your husband too (over the phone). So he'd get involved in the counseling in this way as well.<P>I'm assuming that your husband may eventually read these responses, so I'll say right here that it would benefit you both tremendously if you both did this counseling. The progress you'll make will be much quicker. But having said that, you can do this all on your own, Lynn, and have a dramatic impact on your marriage. I'm sure that you think "it's not fair"---and hey, it isn't---but it can be very effective. Steve will help you learn behaviors that will "mitigate" his lovebusting responses. And it a best-case scenario, he might see a lot of sense in the approach.<P>I did the counseling with Steve pretty much all by myself, while my wife was having an affair and was not "in love" with me (when I started, she couldn't stand me). This behavioral approach helped me change parts of my personality (behaviors) that I thought we're impossible to change. And in going through this program, I realized that I would be very successful, regardless of the outcome of my marriage.<P>This program also had the added benefit of giving me an opportunity to recover my marriage---which I took. And even though I've been the one doing this counseling, my wife pretty much subscribes to the theories and practices them alongside me now. <P>Give it a try.<P>

Hi,<BR>No advice here, but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. My H too is very jelous and I have to watch what I do and what I say around others. He too has accused me of cheating on him with friends of ours, guy at work etc. Jelousy can really ruin a relationship and it really hurts when you are being accused of things you haven't done.It makes it very hard to be close to someone when they don't trust you and there is no reason why they shouldn't. I went into withdrawl after him accusing me for a long time and I couldn't take it anymore and I know that is not the answer b/c the jelousy just got worse. I hope everything works out for you and keep posting here there is alot of good advice out there.

Thanks Fed Up for letting me know I'm not alone. :0) Have you been able to get anywhere with your H? If so, what finally brought him to his senses? I'm going to see If I can get my husband to do the EN test with me this weekend. He says he really wants to try to get past his jealousy. Keep your fingers crossed for me!