Hi everyone,
I know this is long - but this is my first time here. My H informed me last July that after 11 yrs, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore. He said that there was no passion and he had started to look at other women. I asked if there was anyone else and he said there wasn't. In August, he moved out. Our 7 yr old son is taking it as well as can be expected. His family is furious at him for doing this as there appears to be no logical explanation for his behavior. We haven't argued or had any major blow-ups. Last week, I discovered a charge to a local florist on our joint checking account. I waited until Mother's Day to see if I would get flowers, I didn't. His mother didn't. I got a card, no gift! When I confronted him about it, he said that he didn't mean for me to see that charge and that he had made a mistake (in sending the flowers). I asked who got them, but he wouldn't tell me. We talked a few nights ago, about where our marriage went wrong and what we could have done differently. He says that he still loves me and never wanted to hurt me or our son. As I see it, we fell into a comfortable rut, taking each other for granted, not courting or working to keep the excitement and fire in our marriage. I admit that I didn't do all I could do to make our marriage work, ie. deposits in his love bank, etc. I just sort of went along with the flow. BAD MISTAKE! I am willing to take responsiblity for my part and to work towards making this marriage work. I have a 15+ year investment in us. I helped him grow his business, stood by and supported him and loved him with all my heart. I am willing to do what ever is necessary to save it! He doesn't want to. I set up a meeting with a lawyer. It is obvious that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Although painful, I can accept this. However,even though we separated, do I have an obligation to continue to try and convince him to work it out? Should I just let it go? I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Pretending for my son and for the world that things are ok, doing things as a family and frankly, this living a lie is getting on my last nerve. I am hurt and angry that he left and does not want to make any attempt to fix this. I really want him to suck it up, be a man and take responsiblity for keeping our family together, by any means necessary. I no longer trust him and it would be a slow and long process towards rebuilding, if he were to want to rebuild. This morning he called and said he doesn't think he can work this out (had said this once before - did not act on it). I would appreciate any advice and words of wisdom. Thanks for listening,<p>
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I'm sorry to hear of your problems, especially with a child involved. The one piece of advice I might be able to offer is to be honest with yourself and others when dealing with this subject. I guess it's a part of the "radical honesty" concept pointed out on this site and it's really helped me with my separation. At first I dreaded letting others know what was going on but after I got it out there I was amazed at how supportive some people were! Good luck and I hope things work out for you.....

ms. fizzed-out,<p>IMHO it sounds like there is an OP involved in this mess you have going here.<p>It's easy for most to fall into the rut of day to day life and marriage. We get confortable with our lives, and poof, before you know it, you got a whole different type of a situation going on in your life, that you couldn't possibly imagine could happen.<p>Before you know it, your whole life is turned upside down, and you are in a real mess with your marriage.<p>Panic sets in... what do I do know?<p>I'm not in a real good postition to give advice right now, because my world is upside down right now as well.<p>I sense your anger, and you are totally justified in feeling that way, based on what I read in your post.<p>You don't have an obligation to try to convince him to work it out.<p>You might want to try plan B with your H, since it appears that he does not want to work things out with you at this point in time.<p>I know your situation, and it is very painful experience to go through.<p>My prayers go out to you.<p>Wallace<p>Wallace

ms fizzed out:
It seems that your husband is in either an EA or PA. My advice to you is that since you love this man then you should be willing to do whatever is necessary to give him some time to get over whatever he has gotten himself into. Do not let him have an easy divorce. Just let him know that divorce is not the answer right now and there should be something else to try before going down that road. If he pursues divorce then just let him do all the work. Just do a plan A for now and let him do what he needs to do. If he is willing to go to counseling then do that but otherwise just do a plan A. Hopefully you have not hit the stage where he will say the meanest things to you like I love you but not in love with you, I never loved you, our marriage was a waste, etc etc. Don't listen to any of this because it is all fog talk. The WS always makes comments like this to justify what they are doing to lessen their guilt. They will also begin to blame you for everything and rewrite your marrital history glorifying all the negatives. They will never remember anything good. Let him clear his head and don't pressure him. Maintain a best friends relationship with him and show him what he will be missing. I assume that you are not meeting some of his needs so you need to find out what they are and work on them. Do plan A for a couple of months and see what happens.