Here's a condensed version of my story. I've been married since 94 and was informed by my wife last fall that she "had feelings" for a single co-worker. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up getting what I believe is evidence of adultery from a PI (she denies "adultery" took place). We've tried counseling a couple of times but it hasn't brought us back together. Anyway, I've filed on the grounds of adultery and we're presently trying to settle everything (house, retirement, stocks) before a formal hearing and without the aid of our attorneys. We're actually very civil with one another and it seems as though I'm handling things a little better than she is (which isn't saying much). She's seemingly distraught, as I am, over what's happened but hasn't made any moves to stop it. I set up the counseling sessions and feel I should back off but am still in love with her. What do I do?

I have no words of wisdom for you, bw, but it sounds like neither one of you really want a divorce but don't know how to come back to each other. Are still you living together? Are there children involved? How long did her affair last and is it still going on? Important things to consider when we're out here hoping to help. <p>Have you tried a different counselor? Sometimes that's all it takes, someone better equipped to help you get through things together. My first C was a complete moron and our marriage counselor after him really didn't offer anything helpful. Just a place to vent safely with a referee. <p>I suggest you keep reading the materials here on the site. They're awesome. Also, I suggest you post over at GQII. More traffic, quicker pace and you'll get more reponses there. <p>Welcome, and best of luck.<p>Snow

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I've been married since 94 and was informed by my wife last fall that she "had feelings" for a single co-worker. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up getting what I believe is evidence of adultery from a PI (she denies "adultery" took place). We've tried counseling a couple of times but it hasn't brought us back together. <p>You said she HAD feelings [past tense], what are her feelings now, is she truly sorry now?, what did counseling produce?...
If you have proof of adultery, what facts do you have? somehow what you have she's not convienced you proved adultery...whats stopping you guys from coming together..could it be the war of [Blame vs Defense].....<p>quote:
We're actually very civil with one another and it seems as though I'm handling things a little better than she is (which isn't saying much). She's seemingly distraught, as I am..<p>Make sure your wife didn't accidentally get seduced or fail under Temptation, we can all fall....Explore info on this site and don't jump to soon.....I say that because not all adultery is intentional, get the facts , usually with intentional adultery you get the I love you not in love with you treatment, oh were not compatible no more.......Also Intentional adultery is meditated on years before it happens in most cases.

Snow-<p>Thanks for your advice. As far as the length of her affair, I think it was about 3 months and ended (as far as I know) when I told her of the PI and the evidence I obtained. She and this other person work together and I have very little contact with her anymore so I'm not sure about the amount of time they spend together. We don't have any kids but were planning on starting a family when this whole thing blew up. The first counselor we went to was a joke but the second was great. In fact, it seemed that we were just getting ready to make some real progress when she backed off and said that she didn't want to go anymore. I'm not sure what this might have to do with it, but she comes from a family where divorce is much more common ( Mom - 3rd, Dad on 2nd, sister M & D'd twice) than my family (I'll be the first out of 13 marriages - large family - another story). Anyway, when she makes up her mind to do something it's usually a done deal so I'm not optimistic but then again it might be best. Can you tell I'm confused???

bwcaw,<p>When an affair has taken place or you suspect one has taken place, confusion does set in and is a very normal state of mind to be in. Don't make any rash or harsh moves while you are in this state.<p>One thing I'm confused about is, did she ask you for a D or did she say she wanted a D? If she hasn't, then you may have some promise as to putting your marriage back together.<p>I have to agree with Snowwhite on this one, as far as you and your W not knowing how to get back together on this one. <p>I wouldn't use D, as a means of trying to establish a renewed relationship. If you really want a D, and you see no other alternative, and you feel that strongly about it... then continue with what you are doing.<p>But, if there is any doubt in your mind about it, then I would relax a little, and try a plan A approach.<p>A D, will drain your very soul while it's in process, make sure that is what you truly want.<p>Otherwise I would try to reestablish your marriage. Start communicating with your W, and stick with it if start seeing a postive response from your W.<p>That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.<p>Wallace

Thanks again for everyone's input. I'm in the dark with this "Plan A" "Plan B" thing...What are the basics? <p>As for asking for a divorce, no she hasn't put it in those words. However, she made it clear when we were going to counseling that she didn't see where things could work out. I've been the one pressing for progress or closure, which from what I gather is common with guys (fix it or kill it, right?) She's expressed remorse over this relationship but hasn't asked to come back. She did say she was upset that I was in such a hurry to "move on". What gives, she's the one that was stepping out!

Your right about the "fix it", or "kill it" state of mind that we have.<p>I had it as well. I tried to fix mine several times, but failed everytime. But, it wasn't because I didn't try.<p>You will know when it is time to "kill it". there will be no doubt in your mind, when that time comes.<p>On this site their is an explanation of "Plan A" and "Plan B". <p>It would be a good idea to read it, and try applying one or the other, depending on how your situation is going.<p>I know I wish I had found it, before everything in my marriage went into a collapse.<p>Wallace