Do you have any advice for someone trying to live with a person who's been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? Much of your advice stems from the belief that everyone wants, and needs, to connect to others. What do you do when the person prefers to be alone and much of the conflict centers around that withdrawal?

It's hard when your spouse isn't meeting your needs because of a disease---not because of selfishness or other behavioral issues.<P>There are treatments for autism, and my first recommendation would be to discuss this with your spouse (I'm assuming that they are the one with Aspergers), and try to use the Policy of Joint Agreement to come up with some solution to spending quality time together. I'd also suggest marriage counseling (and if your spouse won't, then you should do it individually---and I've used the phone counseling here at MB and Steve Harley is terrific). <P>I'm not sure what Steve's recommendation would be, but if your spouse either can't or won't work to correct the situation, it would probably be similar to living with an alcoholic. You would probably have a couple choices: divorce, or use techniques to get your needs met outside of the marriage. This is dangerous for the marriage if you're unmet needs focus on affection, attention, and companionship; and of course, it's unethical if your unmet needs include sex.<P>Again, I'd suggest discussing this with a professional counselor. Steve Harley would be a good place to start (888-639-1639).

[QUOTE]Originally posted by K:<BR>[B]It's hard when your spouse isn't meeting your needs because of a disease---<P>It's not a disease. It's a difference - a way of viewing the world that is vastly different from the majority.<P>>There are treatments for autism, <P>Actually, no there's not. What he and I both understand is that he has to cognitively learn what most of us know intuitively about social/emotional issues. The problem with counseling is that if a counselor doesn't understand autism, the advice centers around how the norm processes things, which is totally unfathomable for a person with autism. <BR>

I suppose you could consider autism a "difference"---cancer is a "difference" too: compared to normal cells, cancer cells lack signaling for normal death. It's simply a matter of semantics. The bottom line is that autism is a biologically (biochemically) derived "abnormal" state. It's not well-understood from a mechanistic sense, although there has been some progress in the area.<P>I have a nephew who as Aspergers, and there are several treatments that have various levels of success, including SSRI's, tricyclic antidepressants, etc. These may not have been successful for your husband, but they certainly have worked quite well for my nephew.<P>Steve is a cognative behavioral psychologist who's expertise is in marriage counseling. I have no idea how much experience he has with autistic people, but I think it's still worth a call to him: if he can't help, he may be able to point you to someone who is more qualified.<P>Again, to center around what appears to be your marital issue of conflict centering around a withdrawal of a spouse from the marriage---you have a few basic options.<P>1. Live unhappily in the marriage (not recommended)<P>2. Get the unmet needs met outside of the marriage (Co-dependancy theory for marriages to alcoholics center around this). If you find value in your marriage and are unable to rectify the issues concerning your unmet needs, ths is a sustainable option.<P>3. Get both partners to agree on and learn behaviors to support the marriage to the satisfaction of both. This is (IMO) the best solution. <p>[This message has been edited by K (edited April 28, 2000).]

Dear LivingwithAutism,<BR>I also live with someone that is Autistic, he is my 4 year old son. He has just been recently diagnosed. My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it is to love someone that cannot understand the concept of love. I don't really know how all of this would work in a marriage, but I know there are a ton of resources out there. Try searching under the web under Aspergers and Autism. Also the Autism Society of America (1-800-3-autism) can send very helpful information. I would also suggest that if you didn't already, contact a good psychologist to help the both of you. I truly believe that people with this disorder can learn so much, even how to love and show love, although it may be a bit different than what is "normal".<BR>There is an Author named Temple Grandin (she is a higher functioning person with autism) that writes about here experiences. It really helped me to know that it wasn't me and to understand that they truly cannot help the way they are, but they can learn new behaviors. If you would like more information or just to talk, email is TXSupermommy@hotmail.com. I will also pray for you and your husband. Don't give up hope, it may take a lot of hard work, but it sounds like you love him and that goes a long way! <p>[This message has been edited by TXSupermommy (edited May 02, 2000).]