Wife and I had a big blow up in Dec '01. Lots of hurtful things were said by me (i.e, what I am not happy with) in response to her angry outbursts. For the following month things were terrific; she addressed every issue I said I was not happy with. Then, at the end of Jan '02, following another arguement, she said "now I'm not happy". Went to counseling, at her suggestion, together once and was unable to schedule 2nd for 3 weeks after the first. On the day of our 2nd session was scheduled, wife called me to inform me she had just been let go from her job. She had stayed @ home the previous 4 years to raise our D and was itching to resume her career. She is a career woman. At first, I had reservations about her going back to work. I earn a salary which enable her to stay @ home and I told her I wished she could be happy with the lifestyle which I was able to provide for us. We married 11/90, built a new home in '91. Back then, it took both of our incomes to make it work. We are both college grads and met during a sales call (she was in environmental sales and I was working in Environmental arena @ the time) In '94 our S was born and she returned to work, as planned, shortly thereafter. In '95 we moved into a rustic cabin and refinanced the mortgage which allowed her to stay @ home full time. We were planning on another child and we both agreed she would stay home until our 2nd child was in school fulltime. In 1997, we were blessed with a new D. Things were going so good for us, we were the happiest family possible. Then, in '01 some little things bagan to happen indicating perhaps we were loosing respect for one another; her continued angry outburst followed by my angry responses. It all culminated in 12/01 during an arguement in which she again expolded w/and angry outburst. I told her again, as I have many times in the past, that I was not happy with her behavior in this regard. I continued to tell of other things I was not happy with, all which hurt her very much (she holds herself in high regard, how dare I tell her I'm not happy with her...) She grew up seeing abusive behavior, both verbal and physical, by her parents. She is from a well to do family, her dad retired/sold out from his own company in '79. Money was never an issue for her growing up, but expressions of love were scarce. I know she felt loved but her family rarly outwardly expressed their love for one another. My family , on the other hand, is very outwardly affectionate. Anyway, by the end of 2/02, she told me she was numb and had lost her feelings for me. By mid 3/02, she said she needed some space to figure out if I was who she wanted, that she didn't love me anymore or cared if I was with someone else. "Maybe if I saw you with someone elso I'd feel differently" she said. She also became verbally abusive, using the F work in front of the kids. It was then that I knew I needed to remove myself from her, so the kids would not have to see/hear our carrying on, so I moved out. During the first 2 weeks of being out of the house, I read the 5 love languages by Tim Clinton and His Needs, Her Needs. I asked her to read as well, which she did. She made several notes which help shed some light on her angry outburst behavior and things seemed to be progressing ok. I made a mistake of telling her that if I was to meet her most important EN (QT)then she would have to agree to let me back in the home. She said she was not ready for me to be back yet and that my reason for wanting back in was to shuffle her off to the bedroom (my most important EN is physical touch) which was not the case. I was very anxious to resolve our problems and told her she has got to either let me back in or let me get on with my life. In the following weeks more hurtful things were said by both of us. Now I have recently received her proposed disillution agreement. Question is, is there any hope of restoring the love we once had for each other? I have been plan Aing for the past month and am considering planB at this time. Neither one of us has an A, that I am aware of. She says she just doesn't love me anymore. Please help

It sounds to me that you want your marriage to work.<p>IMHO, I would walk softly and tke little baby steps, in regards to putting your marriage back on track.<p>Patience seems to be in order at the moment. Try not to demand anything from her, it may only push her farther away from you.<p>Try to communicate with your W, and get a good plan A going (with or without her cooperation).<p>It will be a bumpy ride, but it sounds like something that is worth a try.<p>"That's just my opinion, I could be wrong".<p>Wallace

thanks, wallace. my concern is that she is a very strong headed woman who has a problem ever admitting she is wrong, even when she knows she is. she can be the sweetest thing or the biggest LB out there. she has said that there will be no reconciliation. are there any behaviors i should look for that will either confirm this or offer hope that she is just getting back at me for hurting her? she said just yesterday while at our D's end-of-the-year pre-school picnic "this is going to go through"(the disillution/divorce)

p miller,

IMHO,It sounds to me that you and her have a case of trying to prove who is right, and who is wrong, in your marriage situations.

I believe in order to move forward in reestablishing your marriage, you need to establish effective communications between each other without including any LB's.

Can your wife and yourself sit down and talk without coming into conflict? If so, I would try to get you and her back to a good marriage counselor... a good MC, that can meet both your needs and goals... They are out there.
If she will agree to going to a counselor, then that would appear to be a good positive step, in spite of her statement about the D issue.

People say hurtful things when they themselves are hurt, and not really mean them, happens all the time. In your W case, since she grew up with that type of a family atmosphere, this could be perfectly normal behavior for her.(angry outbursts from frustration, threat of D, etc.)

I've seen some amazing things in my last 23 years of M... some good and some just plain horrible.

I believe that your marriage is capable of being made whole again, if that is what you truly want. Start thinking of her needs (without any demands or expectations), and just maybe, she may begin to think about your needs. You and your W need to forget about the who is right , and who is wrong issue, and focus on what is right and what is wrong, and fix it!

Good Luck!

Wallace

thanks again for your respone. She is not interested in counseling...perhaps she doesn't want to know what her issues are. she simply says Idon't have feelings for you anymore. Could I have hurt her that much that she really doesn't love me or is it the wall she has had up since childhood?

Maybe part of her problem is that she misses working..having a career, a piece of life to call her own. Just because you could provide so that she didn't need to work for financial reasons doesn't mean that she doesn't need to for emotional reasons. If she has pent up resentment from that, it would eventually come out probably in the ways you described.
I hope you can get to marriage counselling because they can bring those issues to light.
Good Luck.

P - it sounds like there have been many changes and events over the past 6 months, but no consistent pattern. You would have to do plan A for about 6 months, and be consistent, in order to demonstrate changes. If you have a major blowup, then the plan A clock basically starts over.<p>Plan B is only appropriate after there has been a consistent plan A, the exception being if a physically unsafe situation exists. But you have already moved out - in that case plan B without plan A is just a further degree of separation, and it won't help.<p>- Tom

Well, I moved back home (boy was she suprised) to be with the kids as much as possible until the D. She is adimate about proceeding. I'm sure there is an EA w/someone but don't know who. I also think she has had a ONS or possible involved in PA w/ someone. Again, I don't know who it would be. Trying not to think about her w/anyone else. Tears me up inside. How could she throw away 11.5 yrs and 13 yrs together and two kids (8 and 4.5)?