Dear forum,<p>The following is the draft of an email that I am still not so sure about sending to my XW. It reads too much as venting as I wrote most of it after a heated phone conversation. Should I send it?<p>Here it goes, thank you.<p>XW,<p> It is unfortunate that you believe you gave our marriage one last chance to work when in reality you were already having an affair with another man. A man that just after your parents left he was already visiting you at home and trying to buy my sons acceptance with gifts. No wonder the marriage counselors did not work! You go along with your false sense of reality; you need it to justify your actions.<p> One day you will realize that my only "problem" was drinking to seek refuge/cope with your lack of affection, lack of commitment, lack of love. You will come to accept that you pushed my persona down an emotional cliff and then turned around to blame me for all our problems. One day you will be able to remember all the good memories and my excellent father, husband, lover, companion, helper, and friend qualities; the qualities that made me your soul mate and the qualities that you are looking for in a man.<p> I never controlled your life. I will admit to the manipulation tactics trying to get some sort of affection/attention/love/etc from you.<p> Do I have what it takes to re-ignite your love for me? You bet I do; It is even possible to go from hate to love! The problem is that you are comfortable with the other man and your pride does not allows you to back down from your decision to divorce. A man that you admitted during our last conversation (20 May 02) that you were going out with even before you delivered the divorce papers. Why you let yourself become pregnant of Son#2 if you did not want to be married to me? Why you got pregnant while going out with the other man?<p> I may be able to forgive but I will not trust you ever again. I will NEVER forgive you for not giving our marriage one last honest opportunity (without love triangles) or for not trying a separation prior to divorcing. You claim that the boys needed not to be a factor in your decision or that it was the best for them but I hope that someday you realize how wrong you are. The boys are too young; they need both parents full time, together. NOTHING is better than having both parents together!<p> I hope that you learn to love in a deeper way than a clean house and a plate of food. I hope you can love someone in the future with the same passion and spirituality that I loved you. You were my center of the universe. I was committed to you and you were part of my soul. Learn how to commit, to become one in marriage.<p> At the end, I have departed knowing that I tried everything with all my heart and strengths to save our marriage.

IWC:<p>No, you should not send it. It's certainly not a plan B letter (I know, I wrote something like this after an argument with my W earlier this week. Thank goodness I didn't send that one).<p>You put down a lot of good points to your W, but you probably need to remove all the antagonistic statments or reword them. Take a look around for samples of plan B letter wording. It shouldn't be too hard to rewrite what you have to make a pretty good plan B letter.<p>But make sure you're ready to go to plan B if that's what you do.

Don't mail it.
Writing the letter is a good way to get your feelings out, but have you analyzed it.
Have you accepted responsibility for your own actions? Your wife did not "make" you drink, you made that choice yourself. It seems that you are still in the "Anger/Denial/Blame" mode and reconciliation is not possible until you work through your issues.
Are you seeing a counselor?
In the mode you're in, just as you blamed your drinking on her, she could blame the affair on you. This doesn't resolve anything.
You have work to do on yourself. Take the time and do it now.
I'm working on myself and am relieved.

2long, newly,<p>Thank you for your advice and I decided not to send it. There are a lot of blame and accusations in it possibly reflecting my emotional stage. I am trying my best to move on and implement Plan C but I am easily drawn back into the fight and arguments.<p>Maybe it is time for a nice Plan B letter. Any help/guidance on how to write one would be appreciated. With regards to reconciliation; I had my intentions to work at it and wait until we both walk the emotional path. Unfortunately, last month she played with our hopes and emotions in such a painful way that I decided to quit.<p>In addition to this, the OM is actively involved in her life. They are together as of today. Hope is something I should avoid.

IWC:<p>"Unfortunately, last month she played with our hopes and emotions in such a painful way that I decided to quit."<p>Can you be more specific?<p>"In addition to this, the OM is actively involved in her life. They are together as of today. Hope is something I should avoid. "<p>VAIN hope is something you should avoid. Never give up "hope" in general. But don't expect your W to "come around." Statistically, she probably will, eventually. But until/if she does, you need to work on you.<p>Take care,

When you can acknowledge your own anger, it's time to get help to deal with it. I believe in the MB principles, but in my current situation, I need more specific help. Tonight is Separated/Divorced Support Group night. It always brightens my day. Find support for yourself.

2Long, <p>Last March and April my XW said a lot of positive things that made me think she was reconsidering the relationship or coming out of the fog. We prepared the taxes together at my apartment and she felt so comfortable that even stayed overnight. No physical contact. The following weekend she invited me to my oldest son birthday at her house and we spent the whole day together as a family until 10 pm. Again, no physical contact.<p>After the party was over we had dinner together and she revealed her true intentions. She started asking for favors convenient to her. At the time I was leaving I asked to have another family activity the following weekend and she said no but to call her later in the week. Well, when I called she slashed at me saying that I should not gotten my hopes high, that she did not love me, there is no hope for us ever, she is not interested in doing things as a family, well you name it she said it.<p>The whole thing broke my heart again with the same pain and suffering as the day I got the D papers. The part that hurt the most was seeing the pain in my oldest son&#8217;s face. He got very enthusiastic about us getting back together. <p>So here I am 11 months into the divorce and just last month I went into a begging spree. What a shame, pain, and anger.<p>Since then she has admitted to be with OM now and even before she filed for divorce. The painful reality of why the marriage counselors did not work is that I was alone into restoring and saving our marriage. She was dating OM.<p>I read all the different stories on this forum, some positive and some negative, but in all of them I see that, at least once, an attempt to reconcile arrived. Granted, sometimes it was manipulation but at least it happened. Eleven months into the divorce I haven&#8217;t got any chances to reconcile, even after keeping my distance and trying Plan B. I now want to move on with my life and not look back.<p>Back to hope. If hope attracts false expectations and suffering, why then I should keep some level of hope? How can I distinguish between hope and VAIN hope?<p>Newly,<p>I have acknowledged my anger and got help from groups like the one you are attending, chaplains, friends, counselors, doctors, church, books, etc and I was doing fine moving forward and concentrating 100% on my relationship with my sons. Unfortunately the events narrated above made my anger resurface. To that add the slap on my face about being correct on suspecting the existence of OM before the divorce and because of that not EVER getting a fair chance to save the marriage. It is hard to assimilate, you know.<p>Thank you and have a great day.

iwc:<p>Sounds like any hope in that situation would, indeed, be vain hope. I'm sorry for what you've been through. "Hope" at this point would be in being with your kids and starting your new life as a single parent.<p>Good luck to you!

Your comments were just so raw and angry that I'm glad to hear that you've gotten help. In all the books I've read, they've said to accept backslides and I have. And I expect many more to come.<p>I now know that before entering my next relationship, I'm going to ask if they've been in counseling. How have the dealt with previous breakups? Have they worked on themselves? etc. I'm amazed that so many people carry their issues (negative issues) into new relationships. <p>I hope you find peace in your current situation. Love your sons and thank god that they are in your life.

Thank you all. 2late can you define VAIN HOPE for me?

I meant 2long, my apologies.<p>IWC

iwc:<p>I guess I mean "faint" hope or near-hopelesness. Not much chance, and so not worth putting much stock in it.