Hello friends,<p>I can't believe it. I am getting married again. Well someday anyway, we haven't discussed an exact date, but I did get engaged this past Monday.<p>I was really getting close, and secretly hoping, but I never mentioned it, and apparently he was feeling the same. We talked about going "window shopping" for a ring, and then he surprised me.<p>I am very excited, anxious, relieved not to raise the 3 girls alone, and scared. I'm excited that I might have a real chance at the life I used to have, the life I loved and a better life for the girls. I'm anxious, I'm really anxious.<p>The big thing is how hurt I was, that exH had supposed to get married...>THIS MONTH! Well he told me recently he'll never marry OW and that he hates her. He supposedly lives with her out of convenience. The thing is, since he left, he hasn't improved much.<p>This December I graduate with a new degree, and I am really looking forward to my new life. I was kind of thinking of a Christmas wedding, seeing as XH left on Christmas Day, and me and the girls get weird at the holidays, but that's all speculations at this point.<p>I just wanted to post my update to all my friends and if anyone has advice for me as a second wife to be, and the former betrayed spouse from first marriage, please, let me know.<p>Big hugs, Dana

Wait a minute, as I read this, it could be confusing to those who don't know me. I'm marrying my boyfriend, NOT NOT NOT...my exH who had an affair!
Hugs, Dana

I'm so happy for you ... but my gut reaction is ... NOT on Christmas ... you need to not have your joyous wedding day and anniversary associated with the grief that will stay with that holiday for you and the girls for years to come.<p>There is a chance that it will work like you hope it might, and erase the pain of reliving that day whenever it comes around, but if it doesn't, you can't go back and fix it ...<p>My $.02 FWIW!

(((((((((((((((Dana))))))))))))))<p>AWESOME!!!! This couldn't happen to a better or more deserving person....<p>My advise to you - "Live long and prosper".<p>God Speed

Awwwwe, Dana honey, Enjoy Your New Life! <p>I'm elated for you. You and the girls deserve every happiness and all the joy a New Strong Loving MB Marriage has to offer.<p>God Bless and Congrats!<p>Love,
Jo

Dana,<p>Hugs, I'm so happy for you.<p>I have to ask these questions though, just want you to make sure everything is covered.<p>Here's some questions for you regarding future hub?<p>Does he get impatience with others?<p>Does he treat others badly, not just you, but others disrespect?<p>Does he easily anger?<p>Does he love money?<p>Does he have addictions?<p>Does he love flirting with others?<p>If there are too many yes answers. Then just say "No!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA<p>Does he

Dana,
I have a question. Does he follow MB principles with you? Has he read the books, site, etc?
I'm curious if you've been able to use the principles in your new relationship.

Dana,
A big time congratulations to you! Don't have any advise on the "second wife to be", I am not there yet, but know that I will be someday.<p>Wow! New degree, new life with new husband, I'd say things look terrific for you, and I couldn't be happier for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-Petrie

Dana, Dana, Dana,<p>hmmmm...marriage..what a HUGE STEP!!! (you know I am happy for you)<p>I, like Anna, want you to look at everything because we care about you..and don't want you to jump into anything and don't want you to get hurt again..I know how much you've grown over the past couple years..and want you to be HAPPY!!<p>Does he know and understand the MB principles? Does he apply them? Is he willing to do the EN questionaire with you? (or has he already?)<p>How much time do you spend together alone? with the kids?<p>How does he treat them?<p>How does he treat others?<p>You said he's divorced, how do he and his ex wife get along? How does he talk about her? Does he take responsibility for his part in the marriage ending?<p>Does he have children? How often does he see them?
how does he treat them? Does he complain about supporting them?<p>What has he learned about himself since his divorce? What has learned about relationships?
and does he put what he says he's learned into practice?<p>How does he feel about honesty and openness? not holding things back even if he 'thinks' it might hurt you if he says something? and respecting that you are an adult and can handle the truth no matter what it might be?<p>Does he get upset or try and make you feel guilty if you don't want to do something he wants to do?<p>How does he treat your friends? your family?<p>What do you know about his closest friends?<p>Does he have friends he does things with occassionally? <p>How does he feel about your doing things with your friends occassionally??<p>How does he react in anger? Or when he's upset??<p>Does he get along with his family? Have you met his family to see how they interact?<p>How does he feel about your working? How does he feel about your finishing your education? Is he supportive? <p>What are his pet peeves? <p>Does he drink? If so how does he act when he's been drinking?<p>How does he react to stress??<p>You don't have to answer these here, they are just some things to think about..to see just how much you really know about him..and how much he really knows about you..I know thats not always an idicator on if the marriage will last..but it's a better indicator..to if he's abusive..<p>And as a far as being a second wife, this really only matters if there are kids involved..and how they get along..have you met his ex? Do you get along with her? it helps if you do..because it makes co-parenting and step-parenting for the spouses easier..<p>Does he support you in how you discipline your children? Or does he stay out of it completely?
or does he try and take over that role?<p>Like I said, these are just some things to think about..before you take that step..I want you to be happy and safe because I really do care..

Congrats. Does he have a brother/cousin or uncle in Wisconsin?<p>E

justthewife:<p>
<strong>Congrats. Does he have a brother/cousin or uncle in Wisconsin?</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>Elizabeth, you are too funny...first the college guy now this...are there NO GUYS in Wisconsin that you know?? Any cute guys at work who are single you can flirt with?? Someone you wouldn't normally be attracted to???

Hello friends,<p>Thank you for the congratulations! I'm going to try to answer these questions. I'm cutting and pasting, so this may not print out right, I'm a little foreign lately here, lol.
Does he get impatience with others?<p>Does he treat others badly, not just you, but others disrespect? No, not at all.<p>Does he easily anger? No, he's very laid back.<p>Does he love money? No, and my ex did, that was a nightmare.

Does he have addictions? Just me [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Does he love flirting with others? No, and we agreed that is wrong.<p>Believe me, if there was anyone more skeptical, and more known as a male basher (at school, in a joking sort of way, remember I'm the only female almost all my classes), anyway, I had a lot of things I chose that would be important if I ever did this again.<p>We had issues that we've worked through in the past, and I have to answer the MB question, he is going to start reading them ,but I have told him what I learned, and shared it and since I have, and we've discussed things on that different level (wants and needs), he has met mine even better and enjoys this learning process. <p>I have applied MB to my past relationships, and I think the Harley's have a lot of great concepts.<p>I saw a controversial one about attractive spouse on a different board, and I'm a little confused on that one. But in my opinion, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.<p>Trust me, I'm not running off and in a hurry, we have counseling, classes and learning to mix into this all.<p>Hugs, Dana [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dana,<p>Congratulations to you on this wonderful news... You know I am thrilled for you and care about you, which is why I want to ask you something. I'm a bit puzzled and concerned by this statement:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by DanaB:
<strong>
I am very excited, anxious, relieved not to raise the 3 girls alone, and scared. I'm excited that I might have a real chance at the life I used to have, the life I loved and a better life for the girls. I'm anxious, I'm really anxious.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Call me naive, but is it healthy to have this much anxiety and fear when you make the decision to marry? Why do you have all this anxiety and fear? To what extent are you driven by your desire to have a man in your life and a family for your girls compared to your feelings that you really found Mr. Right?<p>Don't get me wrong, I am not at all telling you to reconsider, I'm just a little concerned.<p>Any thoughts?<p>AGG

Congrats Dana!!! <p>Wonderful news! What does your ring look like?<p>What a great MB'er you are! Apply MB principles every day with your fiancee and you will never go to sleep resentful! The air will always be clear!<p>AGG, <p>"Why do you have all this anxiety and fear?"<p>If you were asking me (just this part), I believe in my case, the cause is past life experience. Anything that your ex did you hurt or betray you sets off triggers of self protection that even the greatest of potential mates can't dispel. With me, anxiety is internal (mine to own) and not who I am engaged to. When my gut starts talking then "I" know I'm in real trouble!<p>By the way, have you caused any coffee spewing today? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Again, CONGRATS!<p>Gayle

Gayle,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ragamuffin:
<strong>With me, anxiety is internal (mine to own) and not who I am engaged to.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, that may be the case with Dana also, but I am a firm believer that anxiety is a good indicator of something not being quite right. Ignoring that little voice may be dangerous.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>By the way, have you caused any coffee spewing today? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why, whatever are you talking about??? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>AGG

Congratulations!! I too am a little apprehensive after reading that you are thankful that you won't have to raise your girls alone. I remarried for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to get out of town and start a new life. I met a nice guy who loved ME and wanted to marry so we did. I'm glad to read that you are going to do go to counselling first. Let no stone go unturned.

The reason I'm apprehensive, is that I feel like I know "too" much at times, all the statistics about second marriages not having as high of a success rate (not that first ones do, look at all of us here).<p>I'm apprehensive because I did my best to be a terrific wife, and my husband cheated. So I worry a little about going thru an affair again. This is not so much triggered, that I've seen so far, just that once you go thru something bad, you don't forget.<p>It's like a bridge that I drove over and got in a bad car accident a long time ago. Every time I go over that bridge, my stomach gets a little anxious. I get a little nervous right as I'm coming up on it too. But after I cross it, I realize that just because it happened once, doesn't mean it will happen again.<p>I hope life is like this as I go into a new marraige down the road, and so far, I am with someone who hasn't cheated, and doesn't believe in it, will listen about what I have to say with what I've learned and who loves me and the girls.<p>I don't care what anyone on this board thinks or analyzes, I'm comfortable with my decision, and I also don't think that there is someone out there, raising three kids, that doesn't secretly wish they had their old life, their partner back, or at the least, had someone to share life, and the joys of raising the kids together with. I can survive as a single parent, but I also am looking forward to spending time with someone special, and having someone who wants to coach their teams and do things as a family.<p>I don't say that so much in defense, but at times, I don't think there is complete honesty on the board either. I'd applaud anyone who wants to raise kids alone, that's great, but I know me, and what I've been thru and I'd prefer to be a part of a complete family and have my kids have a positive male role model in their life, especially having 3 daughters who watched dad abuse mom for years.<p>Thank you to those who are excited for me, I didn't post it to start a debate, but no one gets married the first time without anxiety and fears to some extent, I'm not terrified here, just being cautious. <p>I forget who asked me but my ring is round and it has 3 diamonds on either side of the main one in the middle, which form a triangle almost. And it twists where the stones start. It is very different, and really pretty, I don't recall seeing a setting like this. He describes the setting as looking the shape of a football, but that's a man for you, I don't see a football? lol.<p>Dana

"I forget who asked me"<p>Me, me, over here, I did! <p>"but my ring is round and it has 3 diamonds on either side of the main one in the middle, which form a triangle almost. And it twists where the stones start. It is very different, and really pretty, I don't recall seeing a setting like this. He describes the setting as looking the shape of a football, but that's a man for you, I don't see a football? lol."<p>Your ring sounds beautiful, I am VERY, VERY happy for you and your fiancee! The luckiest are your three girls because their Mom is smart, happy and treated well!<p>Blessing to you all!<p>Gayle

Dana,<p>Your reply did a great job helping me understand the source of your anxiety/apprehension, and I agree that it is probably quite normal under the circumstances. It's probably better to be somewhat apprehensive about this kind of a commitment than to be naive like we all probably were when we got married the first time.<p>Anyway, best of luck to you, I am very excited for all of you, and I hope that your H-to-be treats you and the girls the way you all deserve to be treated. My apologies for appearing to question your choice, that was definitely NOT my intent. Please accept my warmest congratulations [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>AGG