I'm getting married in less than two months so i went to the gyn for the first time to get birth control pills and have my first exam. When the doctor tried to "have a look at me" I was in an imense amount of pain and was not able to be penetrated. This didn't surprise me too much because growing up i was never able to insert a tampon because it was way too painful. He said that i would have to relax myself by taking valium before my next appointment and if that didn't work and he could not penetrate he would surgical make the "opening" larger by making an incision. I panicked thinking that what he wanted to do was rather invasive and there had to be other things i could do. I read up on it and think that i might have vaginismus (a reflex tightening of the vaginal muscles that doesn't permit penetration)which makes me think an incision wouldn't help much. This sexual dysfunction is caused by something "mentally" that makes you think you shouldn't have sex. But i have no reason to think that way. I'm very comfortable when it comes to intimacy and things sexual in nature, i've never been sexual abused, and although i am religious i don't think sex is a dirty thing, i know it is something that is meant to be enjoyed and shared with your spouse. My husband to be says i need to have the surgical procedure and i disagree and we have had a little spat over this. What is wrong with me and is there anything i can do besides being cut, which i think is the wrong thing to do?

It sounds to me like you need a second opinion. The doc sounds a little insensitive on this issue and his focus was on getting his job done, not your needs. Try finding a woman gynocologist.<P>It sounds like what the doc was talking about was cutting your hymen, to make penetration easier. While this may help, it's not the only solution. A better gynocologist can help with this information.<P>Tell your H2B to relax, that you will see another doctor. Tell him that you want to have a great sex life with him, and that you will do the right thing, but not the first thing. Whatever happens, your H needs to learn to relax and be very gentle.<P>Congratulations on your coming marriage, God bless.<BR>

Thecla -<P>I'm sorry to hear about your current situation - but don't worry, everything will be okay! First, I wholeheartedly agree with Kenneth - go to a female gynecologist. I'm also a virgin (21) and my first PAP smear (at 18) was performed by a male and was pretty painful. I have not been to a male gyno since - it's like going to a mechanic that's never owned a car! Sorry to the guys on the board, I don't mean you're all insensitive clods, but I have found female gynos to be much more gentle. And - as with any surgical procedure - you want a second opinion anyway to make sure its really necessary!<P>Let me clear up a little something on vaginismus - you posted that "This sexual dysfunction is caused by something "mentally" that makes you think you shouldn't have sex." But, as your case shows, that's not the only thing that can cause vaginismus. You mentioned you've been unable to use tampons - and that's not at all related to sex. IMHO, I think what's triggering this reaction is the fear that placing something in your vagina will be painful. However, some women are born with an unusually thick hymen, or with other unusual genital structures which really do require surgery. But, there's no way to know in which situation you are until you have a more compassionate (and, IMHO, more competent) exam.<P>

I was 21 and a virgin, too, when I got married. And though I had used tampons since I was probably 15 or 16, it was still painful to have intercourse.<P>You definitely should go to a woman gynecologyst, as the other members have very well suggested, but you also should have a very serious chat with your H2B about this, because it is very important for your future sexual relationship that he is patient and understanding with you...and vice versa. He is going to have a hard time being patient being a young male, so you will have to make a big effort to try and meet his needs as much as you can...and he should appreciate your efforts just as you should appreciate his patience, when he goes without having sex for a week.<P>Please never think that your only hope to your problem is in the doctor's hands!! It is very important that YOU relax before being penetrated by anybody (be it your doctor or your husband:-)) You might think you don't have a problem with sex...but you might. Above all, make sure you never lie to yourself about it...and you'll find the answer within you, most probably.<BR>All the best & congrats on your marriage!!

Please don't give up on it. My wife had somewhat the same problem and went to the gyn a couple times and they said they couldn't see anything wrong. Now after years of frustration its a source of great pain to us. She has all but given up on wanting sex. YOU will have to be extra patient with your husband. Guys want to get in and then its over because the excitement to to much to handle Sex is something that takes alot of time and practice to because the true expression of love that we want it to be. It's just like exersize. Sure you can go to the gym and work out and feel all good about yourself because your tired and sweaty, but the true reward comes when you can see and feel the results.

There's nothing better than married sex (God help our nation). Just remember, when the nite comes, he's your legal husband, you have God's blessing, and enjoy it to the fullest.

Don't agree about female gynecologists. They can be much rougher and less sympathetic. My PAP just two months ago was done by a cute young blonde MD who doesn't believe in warming up the speculum AT ALL!! <P>The best ones I have found in my many years and many, many pregnancies are generally older males. Not always tho. I don't know if you are old enough to have heard many stories, but think of the stereotype maternity ward nurse! NEVER! <P>Gender really isn't the issue. I shop carefully for midwives for childbirth, and speak my mind bluntly to gynes, of any gender. I have a sil who had her hymen stretched out by the doctor before the wedding day. A gentle manual procedure with a bit of olive oil usually works. My XMIL needed it and didn't get it and suffered vaginismus as a consequence for several years. <P>A clip is a desperate last resort, and probably overkill. Some docs insist on cutting you wide for childbirth too. Probably the one you went to is of that school of thought.