I just found out that XH's trip over July 4th weekend is for XH to go and visit his biological dad and step mom to introduce them to the OW. <p>(Of course XH would never tell me that's why he's going - his standard line is "somebody has to work" I guess trying to make me think it's a business trip)<p>Note, his biological dad was left by XH's mom for XH's step dad, and XH's step mom's H left her for another woman too. So they actually can relate to my pain, and yet they are welcoming OW with open arms. Of course we are divorced, but we're also Catholic and I haven't heard XH mention the word anullment yet.<p>If things were truly over, annulled, I could go on with my life, there would be closure, but right now I still feel like XH, who has no moral code can go off and live another life with someone, but I, who have a moral code, will do everything right and not date for at least a year after the divorce, and at least get my marriage annulled first before I get involved with someone else.<p>Just when I think that I am stronger and am really going on with my life I get knocked down with some news like this - now I know how those people whose X's have gotten married feel. I really thought it wouldn't bother me, but it does, because XH is being such a bad example to for the kids and if I don't go along with it then the kids will be hurt and grow up pscyhologically scarred or something. It's just so wrong for them to think that this is normal behavior - getting divorced. How are they ever going to be able to get married and not do the same thing?<p>God, where are you in all of this? I know you're there somewhere, but I'm having a little trouble making you out. It's HARD to be a good Christian/Catholic through all of this, but I'll make it through I know. Hey vb_guy - I need you to light another candle. <p>Thanks. K

I'm not Catholic but I have a good grasp of how you feel and how this hurts. <p>Try to remember that what he does is not about you. It's his too-thick-to-believe fog. <p>Do it the way you feel is right. Take care of yourself.<p>And remember a sign I saw once when driving through the total boondocks of southern Alabama, near the Florida line, at nearly midnight when my children were in the car asleep and there was no one there but God and me......Seek God and He will find you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> his biological dad was left by XH's mom for XH's step dad, and XH's step mom's H left her for another woman too. <hr></blockquote><p>doesn't sound like BPD to me! unless he has always been like he is now (which my X was, always like she is today, i just never understood it, and figured love would change it [magical thinking]). I read your description as your X is repeating history, as that is what he witnessed and learned and that is how he knows how to build a good future, and you don't know how he saw his FOO relationship break up, but i bet that the fog banks back then were just as soupy as they are today. . . <p>The most important learning point is that history is always repeating unless we learn from it. . . (witness the Middle East) obviously, your X learned a different lesson from history than you did. . . one of the lines my X gave me was 'my parents should have divorced, so we are.' now that statement told me that her issues are FOO related issues, and they will never change unless they go through counseling to undo the dysfunction. which she claimed she doesn't need but since she has been there before, i know that she goes until she feels fixed enough that she gives up. (but the superficial is changed, not the core.)<p>that is the danger in how parents either don't help the kids understand relationships, help them understand with lots of bias (learning to play the victim), or plain just parent with selfishness as the example. . . .<p>so how are you going to help your kids understand what happened to their family????<p>wiftty

K,
Try not to let it bother you too much, I know it hurts. I was at my x-IL last summer and it was so weird. My pictures were gone and our wedding picture was gone too(x and I, her sister, and their parents all got married at same church and they had pictures of all 3 couple coming out of the church).<p>My FIL said om said he would work on his car after the first time they met(not sure why FIL told me this), but I think that was the last time om when there.<p>This is probably just a formality, can't see why either one of them would welcome ow. My x just brought him along.<p>Hang in!

I am going to Church in the morning and will pray for you and light another candle for you......God Bless you,<p>vb_guy

Hey GC, I know the feeling of being afflicted all over again that happened to me many times with not just 1 OM but many, 3 in 1 months times Jan 2001 it was horrible......<p>Yesterday my sister who was at D grad ask me why I did'nt sit in the reserved seats for parents and 2 extra seats for guest? I said W never told me about special seats, my sister was fumming , she said how could she not tell you about the seats at your D grad and have OM sitting where you should have been? So I was kinda disappointed but, what can you expect from a WS........<p>I see my xw now repeating the same behavior her mother and father did. Her mother married 7 times, her Dad married about 5, and her Dad still cheats on his current wife of 10 years...<p>The hardest thing we BS's struggle with is "look what they have done and doing to me", "how could they stoop so low to do this?" it roles around in our head like a vicious cycle along with all the pain of jealousy.<p>To know another man is playing daddy to my daughters is hard. Knowing OM been sleeping in W house and bed before the DV with my daughters in house is hard. I put so much time and love into that marriage and family and "poof!" another man, empowered by the court system the WS uses invades and steals everything thats dear to you.<p>So whats the answer when this happens.<p>Its called the process of letting go, but not stop loving them, accepting we have to share kids despite we don't want to [its painful]. Accept that God heard and hears your prayers but the answer is not going to come according to your time frame and plan but will get answered, he is faithful he has not forsaken you, he will bless you in the mean time.<p>Most of all realize you are valuable person in the sight of God and he needs you more than anything, thats why Jesus died on the cross to redeem mankind back unto the Father....Also remember one of the predominate signs of Jesus return would be "Betrayal" in every form imaginable......[Affairs and Adultery is an Epidemic right now] people have lost there morals, now its "if IM not happy, jump to the next bed" people are so empty and void of God its unreal"....<p>You are precious, you are going to make it. Life does get better and after a while you really start to see that some X spouses have a serious internal problem and made it out to be ALL our fault. There lots of things you can still enjoy in life and your kids will enjoy those new things that Mom does...Kids will always run the bio mom any day, when they know bio mom loves them to the extreme, sure they my appeciate OW, but they'll need somebody to identify to for some sanity they'll always look, smile and think like you. They're your blood for life, most kids always run back to the Bio parent..<p>Take Care

Thanks guys and gals, <p>The letting go and acceptance part is the hardest part of this whole situation IMO - it sounds easy and sometimes you think you've done it, but then you realize you are still hanging on. <p>I guess I wanted to believe that God would only have put us together if we were meant to be together for life, however free will does enter the picture and so does sin. So again today, I made another revelation that while I do believe our marriage was a sacrament for the first 9 years, XH's present decisions have placed himself in a position where he is no longer honoring his committment and he is really only giving lip service to the church. And while I will still honor my covenant to him, I think that God will not make me stay tied to this marriage for the rest of my life if XH continues on this path and marries OW. I know that those marriages most often fail, but XH has so many personal problems that he needs his own personal recovery time before I would even consider taking him back - that is if he would even want to come back. but I digress. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I amy actually be able to get an annullment and that God may actually release me from my marriage if XH continues not to practice the faith, and that someone or something better may actually be in store for me. <p>After reading and learning about MB, I now realize that our marriage could have been so much better, but it does take 2 to make a marriage work.<p>cinderella - yes, I need a fog horn to communicate with XH,<p>
RWD - Your graduation story just boggles my mind - more fog I guess. I'm waiting for crazy things like that to happen to me too.<p>
Wiftty(by the way, what does the y stand for?) -<p>Well to insure that my children don't repeat past mistakes, I am in counseling and am learning gobs about how my parents have affected me - I'm now reading the book an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Anyway - the cycle is going to be broken with me. Unfortunately, XH will still have all of his funky personality traits, but maybe the kids will get to see what a healthy family is like when they are with me - at least. I'm also going to CoDA and may switch to an Al-anon group - this to help me deal with XH.<p>I don't know if anyone is keeping up with the threads on GQII, but Bramblerose is right on the money with all of her advice - especially about the focusing on us instead of them and to let go and accept. It's not easy advice, but it's correct. If just takes some of us longer than others to do.<p>And while I still don't relish the fact that our kids won't have a single two parent household, this may be what God wants and if the trend on this board holds true, much better things are in store for me and my family in the future.<p>And vb_guy - hang in there. It's always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn always comes, even though I think I'm in the middle of an eclipse. And for all my faith, I still need to hear a hang in ther eevery once in a while and an everything is going to be ok - because it is, and I know that great things are in store for you too because you're keeping the faith. <p>EverlasingCompassion - just the words I needed to hear today, thank you. <p>Once again - thanks to you all! K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Wiftty(by the way, what does the y stand for?) <hr></blockquote><p>its the diminuative<p>karen, kary
kate, katy
katherine, kathy
kirsten, kirsty<p>did i get you?

Hi K-<p>I haven't been here in a while, but saw this and had to repsond. I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain, but remember that grief is part of the healing process. You are right on about feeling like you are getting past it and letting go only to be hurt again. This is all part of healing and in the end you will be far better off for feeling and dealing with all of it.<p>I know you are religious and feel this goes against God's will, but remember that although God hates adultery and divorce, he also is a believer in free will and he would rather allow someone to live a life of sin than take away their free will. Letting go will help. I know I really thought I had many times, but one night a couple of months ago I was feeling really down I started reading the bible and came across something in Proverbs which basically said that until you totally let go and hand over your problems to God he can't and won't help you. I really took it to heart and really looked at what I needed to let go. I made some changes in my thinking and handling of things and since then life has gotten amazingly better. It is astonishing. I don't have time to elaborate now, but I will get back to you because I think it is important for you to hear.<p>Until then, take care and God bless!<p>K<p>PS- How are that baby and her three brothers doing?

Hi,<p>Haven't been able to post in a long while and have been wondering about you.<p>It will take time to heal and time to learn to let go. The books on Adult Children of Alcoholics are great as are the meetings (ACOA); it will help immensely.<p>I have also just finished reading Rabbi Kushner's book, Why Bad Things Happen To Good People. A great book for people of any faith who are suffering.<p>One of the hardest things to do when you have been wronged by the one you love most dearly is to let go and focus on yourself.<p>Also, the Catholic Church has some excellent programs for people who are divorcing or divorced. Many churches also have great support groups.<p>Take care and peace,<p>jtois

I tried to go on a date, but it just didn't work. Too much baggage, and I'm just not ready I think.<p>I'm thinking of my waiting for my annulment time as a kind of "time out". Not that when I get the paper I'm gonna start hitting the singles groups or placing personal ads, just a time where I can figure out what it is that I will need in a mate, and what things I did in my marriage that contributed to it's demise. <p>If you do your best to ignore the X, so hard to do I know, and how he is able to just rush on with life it might make things easier for you.<p>Your papers are in, you are doing the right thing, and just think of how much he is messing up and use him as an example.<p>I wish I could fix things for everyone here. Just give all these people who have hurt us so much a huge smack back into reality.<p>E

JustTheWife,<p>Just wanted to say thanks for putting up that thread.<p>I've been in the battle a long time, and I wished I had found MB's before my marriage had come crashing down around me.<p>As a newbie to this site I just wanted to say to all the people who have posted a long time here, not to give up... and post your advice as you see fit. Correct posts that need to be corrcted. After all, This is MB's boards, and if we can't save someones marriage by giving them the proper direction or advice, then what is it all for.<p>I believe had I found this board a long time ago and I myself applied the principals as stated here, my marriage would not be in the shape it is in today (D in process) it would of been a success story as a marriage.<p>That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.<p>Wallace