I am 31 and my wife is 25. We have been married for 5 years and together for 7. Last weekend she told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and that she didn't know how she felt. We have been having problems for the past 4 years (made love like 5 or 6 times that I can remember). I knew things were bad but I didn't want to admit to it. I love her immensely and thought that she loved me too. I thought that we would be able to work out our problems as long as we had each other and could talk. She has never really communicated her feelings with me. I have tried and tried to talk with her about how she feels. She and I used to talk about everything. But since we started having problems it was just easier to ignore what was happening between us. I always will love her, I don't know what to do or think. I left her last week and stayed with my brother and his wife. We talked almost every night with about the same results...nothing. I put my heart and soul out for her to see, but she said she didn't know what to tell me only that she felt nothing. She said she would try to write her feelings down so that I would know what she was feeling. Saturday she came to see me and stayed the night (slept together but no sex). The letter she wrote me told me that she liked the freedom that she had that week and that she didn't know what to tell me about us, just that she wasn't in love with me any more and didn’t think she could ever feel anything for me. I came back on Sunday and we have been civil to each other but I don’t know if I can take it. I always seem to screw things up and hurt her even though I don’t mean too or even know that I am. I have called a local marriage counselor to try and make an appointment. I asked my wife if she would go before I left and she said no, I asked her again yesterday and she said she would. I love her so much I am constantly going through waves of sadness and depression. I haven’t eaten or slept much over the last week since I found out how she truly feels. I wanted so much for us and now I feel its over and I don’t know what to do or feel. As the days pass I feel like I have more hope but its not from anything she says to me. Today we had lunch together and she said she was thinking about going to her work softball game (she said in the letter she enjoyed going to it when I was gone because she sat around and drank with the guys) she wanted to know how I felt about her going. I asked if she meant that she wanted to go by herself and she said yes. I couldn’t help by show my disappointment and she saw it right away. I told her I didn’t think I had any control in the current situation so I hoped that she would have fun, but that I wished she had asked me to go too. But she stuck firm and said that she didn’t want me there. I want make her love me again, I know I can’t, but I cant help it. I am lost. I am reading and reading trying to find answers but I don’t think that I can do it alone. I know I have been abusive mentally and verbally to her without realizing it and that I will score low on the check sheet (I printed 2 out to take home tonight but am not sure how to get her to do it) it’s the way I was brought up in a verbally abusive household. I have always tried to be different than my parents and have made a conscience effort to, but it seems that I feel back into the same old track that my parents were in. My wife on the other hand is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Her parents don’t say anything to each other directly they always talk about other people and ignore the problems that are going on in their lives. I have told everyone about having problems with my wife while she only talks to her closest friends. I am so upset that she doesn’t trust or believe me she has been convinced by her friends that I will screw her over if she were to divorce me. Her friends have all had lots of bad relationships and are jealous of what we had so they when they talk they always tell each other they are right for whatever they do instead of thinking about what they did or didn’t do and how to work thinks out. I am so hurt and sad … My thoughts were directed to ending my life when I found out that she didn’t love me any more and how she thought she never could. I actually put a rope around my neck and tried strangling myself in front of her that night. I only stopped thinking that way when I visited my brothers and saw my nephew. I am devastated. For those that took the time to read this I am sorry that you had to waste your time with my worthless feelings. All I can do now is hope and pray that someday she will be able to consider me worthwhile enough to give me another chance.

DON'T DO IT!!! Put your energy into learning what you have to learn. Your message was very moving, as I have been at a very low point also recently, plagued with self-doubt, with all my demons rising up in a chorus to prove I'm right (yes, hanging is attractive); but I hope you don't mind me saying that your wife is coming across as very cruel, and you're feeding that response, which isn't good for either of you. Keep working on yourself; you have more control than you think. You can control your own actions, even if you can't control hers. You're also more resilient than you think, especially coming from a family background like yours. If you give it a chance, the light will return. Be prepared for the unexpected, too: the answer is not always just where we think we'll find it...

P.S. Someday I'll bet you'll be giving someone else the same pep talk...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>For those that took the time to read this I am sorry that you had to waste your time with my worthless feelings.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B> Your feelings are not worthless...they are important...You are important </B><P>Whether she will go to counseling or not, you should GO. Sometimes one person has to start, you know? Several folks here have been in that position...it is better if your partner will eventually join you, but if not, still GO.<P>You obviously recognize some of the problems you two are having...Good first step. Have you read about Plan A? It is to improve you as much as possible (its written for folks who's spouses are involved in an affair, but the principles work anyway). Start Plan A right away.<P>A family that "holds everything in" can often raise members who avoid conflict, don't tell their spouse what they want/need, until they "blow" and decide to leave...kinda sounds like your wife. Your wife needs to have hope that you have changed and that she can trust you to stay "improved" before she can have much hope/desire to stay.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jrc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi<P>

It's so embarrasing calling around asking for marriage counseling. But I did it today, I got an appointment for myself, on the 24th....seems like such a far date I don't know if I will be able to make it. I blew up last night when trying to talk to my wife. She keeps telling me it's my fault and she doesn't care, and it hurts so bad. I have ALWAYS tried to do everything for her, I want her to be happy and in love with me like I am with her. I filled out the 2 questionaires on this website and the only thing that I could really fault her for is not sharring her feelings or meeting my needs. Is that really something you can work on when the person just doesn't want to try because they don't think anything will ever change or if its even worth it? I don't know. I think that I have stronger deeper emotions than anyone I know.... nobody understands, everyone seems so shallow and only concerned with how they are. They don't understand how I could love her after everything thats happened, she doesn't understand either! I have allways run very hot... middle ground is someplace that I see very seldomly because I can't stand the BLAH feeling. When I feel cold and down I usually feel giving up...I mean like everythings over, everything I worked for, everything I wanted, everything I planned, everything everything everything. I am sorry if people took it as though I would kill myself...I don't know, I have thought about it when I was down and wanted to, but my own self preservation and then eventually selfworth kicks in and saves me. I think my feelings of worthlessness stem from my childhood when my father told me I was wrong whenever I did anything I wanted to do. I just felt worse for screwing things up, the same as I do now. I hope counseling will help. Right now she hates me again. I just wanted to talk about something meaningfull, not the same old chitter chatter talking about the weather and such. I can't leave anything alone. I either have to meddle with it until its fixed or until its broken. WHY WHY WHY can't I be happy with things the way they are and be happy with the hope that things will get better??? I need hope, I need her I need her love, I want to be the person she can love.<P>Sorry for spewing... I needed a outlet. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. The first thing I can tell you is that you have to get calm. Being sad and frustrated is OK but depression will not help. Trust that you can choose to feel better and you will.<P>Secondly, you have to take a long hard look at yourself. Why you are the way you are? You sound like my twin, I bet you are a perfectionist and feel helpless when things seem to be a bit out of your control. You simply have to stop these irrational beliefs and change your thoughts about yourself and then you will feel better about yourself. Then you can begin working on all your interpersonal relationships. It is hard, it takes work and practice. But it can be done.<P>Pick up this book by Dr. Albert Ellis, " How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything, yes anything." Read it over and over again until you have got the concepts. Then work hard. It will help. Also you may want to visit a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavior therapy.<P>I am just giving you some things to think about. These things have helped me.<P>Remember we are all changing what we can change everyday; choose to make changes that are in your best interest.<P>Also remember to work with what you have, your brain, your heart and your gifts. Do not fight yourself; work with yourself.<p>[This message has been edited by john meade (edited May 19, 2000).]