Our relationship has been going down hill since July of last year. I moved out in March of '02, and told my wife I wanted a divorce. Side note, we have a 3yr old and 1yr old. I had a lot of time to think about our situation when on my own, but six weeks into it, I told my wife that maybe we should slow down and not file right away. I realized all the things she was trying to tell me for the past 2 yrs. We spoke yesterday and she told me that she has been dating someone for about two weeks. She thinks that by dating, she will find the answer she is looking for. She told me that when I moved out and wanted a divorce, she emotionally let me go, and she has been having a hard time finding that emotion again. She thinks dating, will help her decide if the emotion will come back. I think that by introducing new emotions, especially for someone else will hinder this process not help. I can't stand by the side and wonder what she is doing or who she is with while she makes up her mind. Should I just let go of her emotionally, and deal with that hurt now, instead of dealing with her dating?

Ho J, You said it went downhill. I don't know you history but did you explore every resourse before you declared DV? You have kids what about them, they need Daddy. Was your wife already set to go date before seperation or is this only a result dating for companionship, she's by herself? She told you things for the past 2 years, can these make a difference and win her back? Its never too late to try...Read the material here, get his need, her needs. Plan A if you want her...

Welcome jwhan ...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Stop all discussion of divorce.<p>Let her know, clearly and unambigosouly, you will be working on your marriage...
...by working on you.<p>Be honest and let her know that her dating...
...will make the marriage struggle, and there is only hurt and pain that will enter her life, and the life of your young children.<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You have my Prayers....
...and for you... work on rebuilding your fiath life.<p>Jim / NSR

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by EverlastingCompassion:
<strong>Ho J, You said it went downhill. I don't know you history but did you explore every resourse before you declared DV? You have kids what about them, they need Daddy. Was your wife already set to go date before seperation or is this only a result dating for companionship, she's by herself? She told you things for the past 2 years, can these make a difference and win her back? Its never too late to try...Read the material here, get his need, her needs. Plan A if you want her...</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by EverlastingCompassion:
<strong>Ho J, You said it went downhill. I don't know you history but did you explore every resourse before you declared DV? You have kids what about them, they need Daddy. Was your wife already set to go date before seperation or is this only a result dating for companionship, she's by herself? She told you things for the past 2 years, can these make a difference and win her back? Its never too late to try...Read the material here, get his need, her needs. Plan A if you want her...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have finally realized what she has been telling me, what she needs and wants, but I was just trying to give her what I thought she needed.(wrong). She told me that in order for her to continue dating, she had to come to a resolution, and that she wants to stop searching for me in her heart. i.e. get a divorce. I spoke with her last night and she feels that if we try, then she is taking a step back, and she doesn't want to go back. I don't blame her, I don't want to go back either. In those days we didn't get along and we argued. I tried to tell her that we aren't going back if we try to figure out what will help us go forward. I asked her to sit down with a counselor for just one session to see what they had to say and she said she would think it over. I still don't know if I can get through to her. It's only been two-three weeks, but she likes this other guys company. Someone that pays attention to her and treats her like I used to in the beginning, but haven't in awhile, but I'm whole heartedly ready to try.
Thank you for your words

Hi J, I know its a rolloercoaster...my xw said same things to the letter about going backwards,etc...I begged my wife for [1] session at the beginning she thought it over and finally went to 1 session alone, then 2, then 3 and last one we went together..<p>She stopped because she still wanted OM still, and started saying "Well I'm going to couseling not to reconcile but to help myself" I said fine with me.....<p>Counselor since then has told me wifes thoughts were so out in left field out of the norm it caused him to shake, shiver and shudder, he could'nt believe it, he said it was though if she was somebody else.<p>Despite she screamed divorce, I love you, not in love with you, she still wanted to put it all back together at one point months after couseling, but OM's was in picture.<p>Also when you work on you, this causes her to see changes and the possibility of coming to something new, the old is too painful, I did it and it works, you become attractive again....OM is not all you think he is or doing...<p>I remember my W saying she wasn't attracted to me, didn;t feel anything, had nothing to say...I dropped by her house one night in passing and hugged her and guess what she came alive, oh she felt it that day and she admitted it, she got turned on. I was surprised and shocked, but still it was the same repeated speech as above.<p>Therefore Don't give up yet, its not over yet..Plan A

Hi EverlastingCompassion:<p>I am exactly in your shoes everlasting however, I am in Plan B bcoz my W still is pursuing the OM though he has quit, atleast thats what I know.<p>Exactly the same words you just mentioned, not in Love, dont feel anything etc... Do you thing they will ever get out of the FOG.<p>What are your actions Plan A and how is it working maybe I can get some help.<p>TheLion

Hi TL, Well not to disappoint you, but she did file for divorce....But I honestly believe if I could have stayed in same state as her without OM I may have had a better chance it was not 1 affair but many at once....constant affliction over and over<p>What I did was first as we all do, the beg and cry thing, don't leave me, love me thing, let me shower you with gifts and smuther you with Love thing, not bad though...<p>I never knew about this site at first, I recieved help at first from my cousin who was a WS and a friend who was a WS who died and saw himself descending into hell in darkness and he screamed unto the Lord and he saved him from going there and bought him back to life and warned him of what he did and was doing.....He was carried into church on a stretcher and repented and DV'ed OW....<p>Based on there knowledge and counseling I did a plan A for about 5 months, she saw changes in the 2nd month. Went plan B later, she continued contact with OM...<p>For a start one of the best keys you could have that works for you is: ok she's told you what she don't like about you "Ouch"!! But thats the key to winning her back those are the key things to work on you about, she told you the answer, it hurts but you become a better you.<p>I was surprised 10 months after D-day and Plan A & B she told me she was thinking about putting all back together, but then 2 months after that she filed for DV pressure from OM, then she spoke to my sister, said she wasn't sure and post-poned it for 3 months, then continued Dec 2001 OM pushing her...So she was confused..<p>If OM's wasn't in picture I believe we would have been together this day and this approach of plan A and B does work....<p>About in april 2002 she said you don't know how I have agonized to people over you for what I've done ,I said what did you say?, she said oh nothing, changed the subject quickly...<p>If you think OM is out of the picture, boy what a chance you have or even if A is winding down, make your move...but wisely, don't push her away<p>I would say work on you, Plan A and B, get his needs, her needs...<p>Don't believe the I love you, not in love with line, its like having fried chicken on the table on one side, pizza on the other, you get tired of one, you go to the other, back and forth, you get tired of the one you had the most of and want something new later.....

Thank you Everlasting,<p>I can't see the light yet, but last night, my wife agreed to go to a session with me. I was over at her place, helping with the kids. We laughed and had a chance to talk,(just about our days)like we used to. We go on June 6th. My hope is she will see I've started to work on myself, and it won't be "going back." I know I can't get too excited, but it's hard not too. One thing I know though, is that given my wifes personality, she wouldn't do something if it wasted her time or she didn't see any merit in it. All I can do is hope and work on Plan A.

Eventhough she has agreed to the session this Thurs, I'm still being hurt by her. I had the boys this weekend and when I left, I asked her if she at least not date until after our session. She told me that she already had plans, and was not going to put her life on hold even for a few days. Over the weekend, she never even called to leave a message for the boys or try to make contact. When we got back into town, my 3y old wanted to call, and again, no answer on either her home phone or cell. I left her a message asking her to call and she finally did 30min later. I was very angry with her and the let the questions fly, where were you, with who, etc. She said none of my business and just wanted to talk to our son. Before I gave up the phone, I asked her if she still wanted to go this Thurs, and she said nothing has changed, she is still going. Am I loosing my mind, or is this a sign that no amount of counseling is going to help? Somebody please help.<p>J

Sounds like she is playing both sides of the fence right now.

I would start using a hard plan A, and see how that works out. As hard as it is (and I know it's hard when you have this going on), try not to use any LB's during your conversations with her... you will only drive her further away.

Go to your Counseling session and see what happens. Try to remain as cool and collective as you can during this time.

After the session you may have a better understanding as to where you are positioned
with your W.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Maybe when you asked her for a divorce, you hurt her more deeply than you can imagine, and she has built a wall against you. She is probably like, where does he get off? One day he wants to divorce me, the next he's like nope, I made a mistake, let's make nice now. You are going to have to earn her back the way I see it. You need to woo your wife back with some romance and sweet talkin' and action, or else she's gonna keep on walkin' in the other direction.<p>JMHO

We had our session on Thurs and I thought we may have turned a corner. In front of the therapist, I asked my wife to either go forward with another session to work on our marriage or file for divorce. She said that she couldn't answer and needed some time. I thought, "Well, she didn't say no." She had been so dead set on divorce, I thought this respones was great.<p>I let her think about it all weekend, by the way, she had the boys. I called last night and she was getting home from her date with the guy she's been seeing. (I can't believe she hired a babysitter to watch the boys so she could go out. She couldn't even wait another weekend.) I posed the question again, and she said that right now she didn't want to work on our marriage and wanted to file for divorce.<p>I feel so crushed right now. I thought a little progress had been made, but I guess I was being played. It' time time to let the healing begin, and move on.<p>Thanks for all the support here.
J