My wife was the WS and as far as I know she is still seeing him. She filed for a divorce and it should be final soon. I can't believe how selfish she is and how she can ignore the effect this is having on our kids. Also I lost all the support of her family as she has turned me into some demon in their eyes. I swear it's not true, but she says these things that hurt so deeply. She even threw out our wedding rings and made me sound like a freak because I had wanted to keep them. Does she not see the agony she has wrought into my and my childrens lives? She treats me so coldly, how can I still love her. All I want is to fix our marriage. What kills me is I think I know how if she would just cooperate with me, but she says she has no desire to work on anything. I don't know how much more of this I can take, is there anyway to awaken her before this divorce is final?

Rob,<p>I hope that this reply finds you in better spirits. I know very well what you are going thru. In may case I was the WS but after praying for guidance and divine intervention I pulled away and severed the ties with the OW for the well being of my marriage. I did it in a slowly way since OW was in meds for depression and I was afraid of OW doing something against herself. It may sound like an excuse but it would be very hard for me not to think about the underlying human being. <p>Anyway, after all ties with OW were severed I confessed to my XW. BIG mistake! I suspected that my XW was having an affair but she lead me to believe that it was all in mi mind and a way for my to justify my, by then defunct, affair. Well, after confession day we &#8220;tried&#8221; until four months later when my XW surprised me with D papers.<p>At the beginning of the D she treated my very nasty and cold. She said that our sons were not a factor that she had to consider in her decision; that the decision pertained only to her. It was not until three months ago that she changed the tune to include our sons saying that the divorce will be in their benefit also.<p>I kept all the wedding memorabilia, except her rings, because someday in the future our sons may want to see it or have it. I don&#8217;t look at it. It is all in storage.<p>I begged my XW so many times for one last chance to no avail. The answer is always the same NO. She always replies saying that she gave a four months opportunity and two marriage counselors. Well, she finally admitted that she was going out with the OM (co-worker) while we were &#8220;trying&#8221; to restore out marriage. Then you wonder; what kind of opportunity was that?<p>Now all the pieces fall into place. Now I can see, with a lot of pain, why it was so easy for her to take the step to divorce, that we never officially tried to save the marriage, why she doesn&#8217;t wants to try again, etc.<p>Your wife&#8217;s behavior and determination to divorce is IDENTICAL to my XW&#8217;s when the D started. All the same &#8220;I don&#8217;t love you, etc&#8221; talk. Sorry to tell you but she will pursue the culmination of the D with all her energies and perseverance. The presence of OM in their lives provides the emotional support to think the D is the right decision and makes it easier to go ahead with it. <p>Like in your case, the OM is still in my XW&#8217;s life. Now she wants to work with me on a friendly/civil relationship for the benefit of our sons. This is ok with me but it has resulted in a manipulation trick to get whatever she wants and at her convenience. I feel for my sons; they deserve a TRUHFUL last chance to save the marriage. Unfortunately it takes two to fix what one decided to destroy.<p>This forum has a lot of good advice; I recommend you tap into it. It may be overwhelming sometimes since you find some stories of last chances and it makes you wonder; &#8220;what about me, when will I get a last chance?<p>Read a lot, pray a lot. Hang in there my friend!

Rob,<p>I really wish I knew the magic thing that would help but I dont. I do have a couple things I tried that might help you but they were not successful for me - maybe you will have better luck.<p>I met two different couples at church that had gone through similar things. One couple with similar personalities that divorced and later remarried each other. I introduced them to my wife and the woman took time out to talk to my wife to help her understand what she was doing.<p>The second couple I met at a marriage conference a couple months ago. One year ago the W was the WS and ended up seeing through the fog in time to save the marriage. She was anxious to talk to my WW and did so for a couple hours. Again, unfortunately we are still headed down the wrong path. <p>I have been in the same boat as you for a long time, I still love my W and would have liked to save the M but she will not give it a chance. She has turned her family and others against me and treats me extreemly mean. There is so much anger and contempt and hurtfull actions it is unbelievable. She took my 3 girls camping this weekend with her father and her boyfriend even at my protest.<p>We had our D trial 2 weeks ago, but no decision yet.<p>I really do feel for you right now! But please understand a couple of things that have also come hard for me. Your WW is not the woman right now that you have come to know and love. You have to let go of the woman you remember and view her for who and what she is now. You do not deserve how you are being treated even though you have undoubtedly made mistakes in your M. She has become determined and willful about having her own way with this and likely, there is nothing you can do to stop her. She will stop at nothing to get what she wants and will punish you to make herself feel better - and I am sure blames you for everything.<p>My advice - <p>See a Dr. you trust if you are not on anti Ds you should probably be.<p>See your pastor, get to church, pray, read your bible - God will never let you go and will never let you down. <p>Work on you (I know, I used to be so frustrated when people told me this) Do some things you enjoy, get to the gym, have fun with your kids. You have to let your W go and focus on those who need you. Your kids and you.<p>Join a church group or take a divorce care class. <p>Find a good Christian radio station. The music is good and uplifting.<p>Find someone to help. This will take the focus off of you and make you feel better.<p>If I can help at all, please feel free to contact me at 515-669-8891.<p>Regards and God Bless<p>John<p>Ephesians 6<p>
The Armor of God <p>10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

JohnC<p>Thanks for the support. Unfortunately I'm doing almost all of those things, yet still I'm haunted by the image of them making out in our driveway (yes I was lucky enough to catch them in the act once) and when I wake up alone I can't help but wonder if she just woke up with him. I'm tearing myself apart with these thoughts I know, but I just can't stop. I found a cache of their letters and poems and was stupid enough to read them. She tells him all the things she told me, how she will never leave him, how deeply she loves him, every word is a poisoned knife in my spine and every breath I take is rank , the stink of betrayal and murdered trust. I feel so alone and angry...<p>I'm sure none of this is new to any of you.

Rob,<p>I went back and read a few of your old posts to understand better your situation. Our storys on the surface are similar. The one big exception is that I was not about to file or leave the house. She filed on me, I continued to try to save things.<p>I have held on for about a year, in fact we still are living together until we know the outcome of the custody case. Not sure how long it has been for you. I too want to follow Gods ways in this but did not feel the need to be the one to file in order to be able to remarry. The fact remains that my wife is an adulturess. I have tried to follow Gods law and save the marriage. If it fails because my wife can not stay committed to the marriage and due to her unfaithfullness that is the same as divorce due to infidelity which allows me to remarry.<p>I too have had a hard time letting go. You are in the same boat. But I must tell you that if you dont get hold of your self, you will only make it worse on yourself. If I can begin to let go while living in the same house you can let go too. <p>I took the blame for a long time and played the part of the victim. I got sick of it and tired of hurting so much every day. You need to figure out how to step away. It that means dropping the kids at the curb so you dont see your W or what ever you can do until you get stronger than do it.<p>But most of all, you have got to get stronger! How much longer are you going to let her have this affect on you? Dont take the blame, get mad. She is the one who committed adultury and is exposing your children to it. She is the one who is hurting your family. I know you still love her but to be honest, the woman you love does not exist any more. She looks like the woman you love but it is not her inside! And as friends told me you dont want her like she is right now. <p>She punishes you daily, can you live with that! Focus on what you need to do to protect your kids or put your energy into somethin worthwhile. My energy is going into the following. I am fighting for custody. A great deal of investigation, documentation, hiring the best lawyer, etc.<p>I am taking care of my childrens needs cooking, cleaning, laundry.<p>I have begun 2 lawsuites against the OM that are in the works.<p>I have focused on God. As hard as it is, you have got to realize that you have no control here. Turn it over to God. I know it is hard but you need to start training your mind that when these hurt feelings come on you, that you pray for Gods strength and ask him to take the pain for you because you can not handle it. You must trust in God, to do otherwise shows a lack of faith. God tells us that he will take care of us so trust him to do so and let go. I also used the following to search for scripture that gave me strength http://bible.gospelcom.net/<p>Search such things as adultury or wife and it will tell you specificly according to Gods promises what vengence is in store for them. "They will reap what they sow" . Ask God what he wants you to do in your situation then listen. He has a plan for you that is better than anything you could immagine, but you must let go and relinquish control in order for his plan to work. Get a support group around you, people you can trust and talk to - men. I have gotten involved with a group here called crosstrainers led by Dr. Gary Rossberg. This is agreat group of godly men trying to do their best to stop divorce in the US. He also hosts a radio program across the nation- tell me where you are and I will give you the station, otherwise go to WWW.afclive.com (Americas Family Coaches).<p>You are in control of you, and can be strong with Gods help. Do not take it anymore. And start to change your perspective. Stop the pity party - as my mother would say. You are and can be stronger, prove it!<p>Boy, its even good to hear myself say some of these things. <p>You can do it!<p>John