I don't usually post here - I "grew up" on the GQII board. I am hoping to get some feedback here. You folks are so helpful.<p>You can see my brief story outline in my signature line. THat will save some time telling my background story. Please let me know if you need any other details.<p>May 5, XH called me appologizing, and admitting that I was "right about everything". hmmmm... didn't get much detail in that conversation, but just let him talk about whatever he wanted. He was alone, relationship with OW was over, and he was looking for a roommate. He felt terrible about where he was in life - financially and otherwise. He spent tons of money on OW - and he talks about how manipulative she is.<p>Ever since then, he has been gradually calling more and more - wanting to "be friends". I broke my Plan B, because he assures me contact with OW is over, and he is in counseling for himself. He seemed to be soul-searching, and ready to actively pursue knowledge and growth.<p>Through conversation, especially last night, he STILL doesn't accept the devastation that his A caused. He's "worried" about OW, and how she's handling herself. She has anger issues and self-esteem issues, after she was the BS in her first marriage. (She's 26). She called while we were on the phone last night - he asked me should he answer it. I said, if you do, I'll hang up. SO he didn't answer it. He promised he wouldn't call her back either. He says he's done with her. But if she comes slithering back into his life, he'll probably cave in.<p>I'm ok. I'm moving forward, and was doing fine without him. But with him back in my life, and NOT accepting responsibility for the A (he never told me he was unhappy, never took us or himself to a counselor, never picked up to read marriage resources, etc), I'm asking myself why I'm friends with him.<p>I want to be friends with him, and possibly to eventually start over with him. But not at the expense of what I've described above. Him thinking that the A was ok, and that the marriage sucked and was beyond repair.<p>It's only been a year since D-day. So this is still all so new. Sometimes I consider the D just a piece of paper, and I'm open to a new marriage with him.<p>So, I broke Plan B. How do I go back to it (no contact)? Should I? What should be my conditions for friendship? What steps should I ask to see from him before I can allow him in my life?<p>Thank you so much for your time, and for any thoughts you wanna share.<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Well, ideally when you went to plan B you gave him a letter that stated your reasons for leaving Plan A and the conditions that would have to be met before you would accept him back. Has he met any of those conditions? He claims contact with OW is ended, but she's obviously still calling. I'd be suspicious there. He's in counseling, that's great. He does appear to be somewhat open and honest from what you've said here.<p>Personally, I think that I'd approach this just like I'd approach any other new relationship. Look at his attributes and characteristics and decide if he appeals to you as a potential partner. Can you trust him? Do you like him? Is he safe (physically, emotionally) to be around? Is he supportive and accepting of you? The standard that I apply is this: Will I be happier with this person than I am already?<p>You should also seriously consider the fact that if OW just recently dumped him, he's rebounding. He just wants somebody to lean on for a while. If you really want a relationship with him, it'd be best to go slow and be friends first.<p>Good luck. I really hope some of this helps.

You can be friends with and not have an active dating relationship with him..<p>remember back to your dating years??? Did you ever date a guy break up and remain friends w/ him even though you no longer dated them?? Same concept..<p>Now, if he can't admit his affair was wrong..then why would you want to consider going back to him??
I mean if he doesn't think it's wrong then whose to say he won't do it again?? This is where your responisible for protecting your heart comes in..
if you don't trust him to protect it..then don't ask him to..<p>You can be there as his friend..and you can set boundaries in that friendship..setting limits on what you will and will not be there for..ie: if he's crying over OW, then you can choose not to be there..if he's wanting to talk about things he see's as went wrong in the marriage okay we can discuss that..<p>And if you don't have kids..you don't have to be friends at all..

Hi Faith1,
I think the real question is:
Can you be friends with him if you knew nothing would ever come of it? or Are you being freinds with hopes of reconciliation?<p>Only you know the answer to that question and there is no right or wrong answer. <p>If you can handle that then you have nothing to loose. <p>If the only criteria for your friendship is reconciliation then you probably need to put a timetable on how long you will wait until he sees the light. Usually people grow tiny babysteps at a time. The fact that he isn't accepting responsiblity can change in time as he grows. You are also putting yourself in a huge risk to be heartbroken again but then again what is life without risks...the flipside is you may end up together and it be better than ever. I recommend this real good book called "Boundaries in Dating" by Cloude and Townsend.<p>But above all be honest with yourself by answering these questions: Can you be friends with him if you knew nothing would ever come of it? or Are you being freinds with hopes of reconciliation?

Thank you all so much. You are really helping me think through this. Please keep the feedback coming.<p>I'm not sure how to answer some of your questions, especially yours, ILuv. That's part of my problem I guess. I keep checking with myself on that ILuv, and I keep telling myself that I'm ok with friendship without reconciliation. But then sometimes, I'm not ok with it. All or nothin' sorta takes over.<p>This really helps me, TR:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
This is where your responisible for protecting your heart comes in..
if you don't trust him to protect it..then don't ask him to..<p>You can be there as his friend..and you can set boundaries in that friendship..setting limits on what you will and will not be there for<hr></blockquote><p>and I'll get the book you suggested, ILuv. Truthfuly, I didn't date very much before H. He was my first love. So I do need help with my boundaries.<p>THe only way he has met my conditions is there has been very little contact with OW, and he's seeing a counselor. He's been to MB one time, for about 5 minutes. I've encouraged him to come here to see how other people handle what he's going through. I don't think I have the right to request a no contact letter. He knows I'm very serious about him being honest with me, and that he can't have both of us in his life. I believe that I can tolerate one more contact with OW, and that is to retrieve the rest of her stuff from his apt. After that, anymore and I'm done. I've encouraged him for his OWN good, to have no more contact with her. She's not good for him. He said his other friends tell him that too. I think he thinks he can "help her" with her problems.<p>thanks!!!!<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hi, Faith,<p>It's so good to be "talking" with you again!<p>It sounds like you're in a great place now - too bad to mess it up with this complication, eh? Ain't life grand? JUST when you had the 'other thing' figured out. Unfortunately, I may soon be in that place where you were. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Read my sig line.<p>As far as your exH, he DID say, "everything you told him turned out to be right..." etc, so it sounds like the fog is sloooowwwwwlllly clearing away. If you can stand it, you can continue to talk to him, and watch his growth.<p>I do agree, though, that you need to gently remind him from time to time, that you had set a parameter that included NO CONTACT w/ow for you two to even be talking. If he maintains that, then I see no reason why talking with him would be bad.<p>No doubt he's going to "slip" and want (or truly go) to see her, since he's going through the whole withdrawal thingy. It'll be up to you to decide how much of that you can handle.<p>As far as what to ask of him, in terms of behaviors, I think if you can remain somewhat "detached" (I mean emotionally), not in a manipulative way, but in a way to protect YOUR emotions, then you can safely lead your R where you want it to go (assuming that's his purpose in being in touch with you).<p>Remember, too, that he needs to see Christ in you, in your love for him, etc. and that's your ultimate place in his life.<p>Still praying for you! <p>May God Bless you richly.
Your big sis,

Thanks Lupo! I read your reply last night right before I talked to him. It really helped me, and I was confortable with talking. THANK YOU!!! Take care Big Sis'! <p>-<p>I am not feeling like I need to jump back to Plan B right now. All of your responses have really helped me think through this. <p>taking one day at a time... carefully...<p>any more advice is WELCOME... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]