This is so strange. My WS may need psychological help. She contines her A, now moved out and living with him. He's a loser, a convict, no job, no money. So dependant on her for everything. She says she wants to come back home, but she can't bear to abandon him . He uses the pity card, and says he will just go right back to jail if she leaves him. I'm still heading for the final date for the D. July. She says why the time limit, says it may take more time to get him on his feet. I think this is insane. She should put me and the kids before him, pitiful or not. She has a choice to make. Most of you rpobably can't believe I'm even considering taking her back.

david87:<p>This is so strange. My WS may need psychological help. She contines her A, now moved out and living with him. He's a loser, a convict, no job, no money. So dependant on her for everything. She says she wants to come back home, but she can't bear to abandon him . He uses the pity card, and says he will just go right back to jail if she leaves him. I'm still heading for the final date for the D. July. She says why the time limit, says it may take more time to get him on his feet. I think this is insane. She should put me and the kids before him, pitiful or not. She has a choice to make. Most of you rpobably can't believe I'm even considering taking her back.<p>TR- Reading this it sounds like she's co-dependant and doesn't understand she's NOT responsible for HIS actions..try this..ask her if she's willing to go to counseling?? Tell her, you will stop the D if she will go..and then discuss these things with her in counseling..<p>1. She is not responsible for HIS actions..if he goes back to jail..THATS HIS PROBLEM NOT HERS!!<p>2. She doesn't have that much control over this man..no matter what he may tell her..but she won't always get it at first..and definately not from you..which is why counseling is a good idea here as a condition to returning to the marriage..<p>If she lives in guilt..and allows others to control/manipulate her through guilt..sounds like she does need some type of counseling..for herself before she can be healthy in ANY relationship..but you can stand by and support her, and go to counseling yourself..to change your own reactions and actions towards her..<p>Not knowing his criminal background, brings back memories of the Movie "Urban Cowboy" (John Travolta, Debra Winger) and you can see how manipulative OM/OW can be..OM that Winger was seeing was a criminal..he would beat/threaten her if she left..she stayed in fear..OW, Travolta was seeing wouldn't give him messages..and manipulated in other ways..Winger would do something..and OW would take credit for it..she'd buy him things which inflated his ego..if you haven't seen it..watch it..(ask your wife to come over and watch it with you- she may see some similarities into her relationship)so maybe ask her to watch it with you..and see if she can relate..<p>But it was the criminal thing that triggered that..in he's telling her if she leaves..he has no control over himself..well..if thats the case..
He deserves to be back in jail..and he didn't learn anything..like he has to be responsible at some point for his own life..and actions..

Thanks for the feedback. He's a petty criminal, convicted of mostly non violent drug realated or theft offenses, but he has done an armed robbery ot two , and rumor has it he held up a man in the mans home by putting a gun to a kids head to demand money) Been in and out of the county jail for 20 years. He did do a long stint in the pen some years back. <p>Oh she's more than willing to spend time with me. She loves the attention from both men, but it's him she goes home to and sleeps with, she will not even kiss me. <p>He is such a con , and has her brainwashed, but I'm not totally fooled by her story. She has not worked for years and in his letters and phone calls over the last 18 months , he promised to take care of her when he got out. Well he got out , and they started their lives together, but he did not deliver on the support promise (but it's not his fault; according to her nothing is ever his responsibility) So now her practical side is saying " wait !!!!!!!!!! you better not lose your engineer husband and the kids (I have custody- she has only day visits because I won't allow them around him) for this man who can't even wipe his *** without you" but her emotional side (the more powerful one in most women) is saying "but I love him, I love the way we make love, he needs me, I feel good when I'm with him, I can't just leave him high and dry, he has noone else but me in this world" It's a sick situation, but I have been hanging on for two long years, and I am ready for closure. I feel I must allow the divorce to go through, and then later if we reconcile, we can always get remarried.

Engineer, huh? Then you understand FUBAR. It sounds as if your wife is FUBAR. Divorce is probably your best option - to protect yourself and children. If she comes to her senses reconciliation would be on your terms. Otherwise prepare for a long and bumpy ride as she plays you for all your worth.

Cripes. If a DV doesn't wake her up after 2 years, nothing will.<p>I'd stick by the date for the DV. See what happens, but I wouldn't take her back until she's had time AWAY from OM and ALONE to sort her considerably screwed-up life out.

Two years is the so called maximum amount of time that an A lasts before it dies, but in your case I think that your W has other issues - sexual addiction comes to mind - that will keep on feeding the A.<p>My xWW had multiple A's for many years and for all my pleading of marital recovery, the only thing I got from her was nothing but 'it's my life and I will d*** well please with it' that I finally faced reality that she was never going to change and proceeded to divorce her.<p>I too agree with the others that you should proceed with your divorce because she sure doesn't seem to want end the A and is just using lame excuses why she needs to be with him. There will always be an excuse for her to continue with her A so there is no point in continuing with a dead marriage.<p>Joe

David,<p>If you give her time, she seems like the type of person that would never choose. I would stand firm. Either she's gonna end it or she won't. This will just make the decision quicker for her, but I don't think it'll change the end result of what she will do.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Thanks for the wise feedback everyone :<p>Thorned Rose : Yes she is being maniputaled by him, but she's blind to it because she is getting something out of the relationship that she can't resist or give up. She pretends like it's all about sacrificing for him to straighten him out, but I know better, in the end people are self serving and they do for themselves.<p>enginner bob : Yea I'm an Automotive Quality Engineer, and yes I too think she's FUBARd. She signed it all wawy in an irrecocilable diff. D , so I have only to meet the judge in July and it's over.<p>2long : Yea , even if she panics and wants to return at the last possible minute before it's final, I think your right she needs to go from him to being alone for a while. <p>2 much coffee : cool tag about the decaff : 2 year max maybe doesnt apply here because he was in jail except for a few months the first 18 months. It was such a fantasy, only letters and telephone calls, but now after he finally got out, reality has set in and shes hinting and talking about returning after only a few months of living with him. Still your right our marriage has been dead for a long time, and it's time for closure. I think she will respect me for doing it, deep down I know she feels she deserves it.<p>Anna 2000 : You are correct, she has straddled the fence for almost two years now, even this D we filed was all me. She would never have done it. In the back of her mind she knows there is a very slim chance of a future with him. She sees it a temporary, but still can't break it off. Pretty sad huh? with an 18 year marriage on the way out. I will keep the limit, and she may very well beg just before the end, but still I agree that , after the D, she will have to come back on my terms. Also I think it will change the dymanic of their relationship, no more triange, no more good old scott david the human safety net. It just may very well contribute to the inevitable demise of this homewrecking relationship.

Your stbxww needs to be own her own to really appreciate what she had. May be she will and may be she won't. If she does then she will crash and burn with regret of what she did to you, the children, and herself. If she doesn't then she's condemned to repeat the past with another specimen from the shallow end of the gene pool. Either way, she has screwed her life big time.<p>In any case, you and your children will be better people and you will find a real woman that will truly appreciate you and that your kids will respect.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

TMCM,
Right on the money. I appreciate the advice. I plan to divorce her regardless of any last minute appeals from her. As you say she needs time, after this insane A and the marriage are over to reflect on how she went from a faithful, hardworking, productive, christian wife to a lying, cheating, adultress living with a career criminal. <p>She has blamed the entire thing on me for almost two years, but now that whole rational'
does not seem to apply, after all of this time ,shes just beginning to come out of the fog, but she has a very long way to go.<p>Adandonded Dad : I needed a little comic relief, but seriously, the thing that scares her the most is when I back off emotionally and secondly the final date for the divorce. Both are steadily moving toward closure, and that scares her to death. <p>I can tell when we talk that she knows shes on very thin ice, and I want to pull her back to solid ground like I always have, but in this case I have to let her go to learn her own lessons, I can't be "Daddy" to her anymore.