I recently attended a family reunion. I've been living away from my family for 11 years. I saw an old girlfriend, and realized that I loved this woman, and would rather be with her than my wife. Here's some background:<P>I was living with the GF from 1986-1989. In '87 we purchased a condo together. I had a problem with drinking and substance abuse. The GF, concerned for my health and well being, teamed up with my parents to demand a resolution to this problem. I basically told them all where to get off and threw the GF out. I proceeded to live the partying, bachelor life until my now wife came to visit my roommate in 1989. It was a whirlwind romance and I ended up moving to the midwest to be with her within 3 months. Shortly after arriving, my substance abuse caught up with me and I was arrested and convicted. I put those demons behind me, and began the task of re-building the relationship. Many moons have passed, and both my wife and I are very successful. We've never been sexually compatible. I like once a day, she likes it once a month. We have different values, different goals, and different levels of emotional need. We've discussed divorce and/or separation many times, and it has always been through my effort that we've stayed together. She was willing to give up on us long ago.<P>There was a hairstylist that cut my hair at my original home for 16 years. Her shop was closed, so I contacted the old girlfriend who I had heard learned to cut hair since we had parted. I showed up on her doorstep, surprised her, and got a hair cut. It was like I had never left. We got along so well and had so many things to talk about. She refused payment, but I did offer to take her to lunch later on that week. We had lunch 2 days later, went to a movie and out to talk the day after that, and spent more time talking at her home. Out of a 7 day trip, 4 of the days involved spending some time with her, and honestly I would have spent the entire time with her if I could have. I felt compelled to spend time with this woman, I so enjoyed her company, and she apparently felt the same way. She had been through a few relationships since we had parted, and almost married, but backed out at the last minute after discovering her fiancee had some serious issues from an abusive childhood that hadn't adequately been dealt with. We both admitted that we still had feelings for each other, and would be happy to have a 2nd chance together. Our intimacy stopped at some hugging and kissing, but we did lay in each others arms for many hours talking.<P>We've been in constant contact via e-mail, with occasional phone calls. I'm planning to not be the one to save my marriage the next time trouble erupts, and grant my wife the separation she has requested more than once. I'm then planning to look into options for re-kindling the relationship with this woman that I threw away 11 years ago. Thoughts?<P>

I don't think you are being fair to your wife carrying on this relationship without her knowing and if this is what you really want I think you should make your choice and deal with it. I know it is much easier said then done, but you owe it to your wife and to yourself to be honest here. You did make a committment and you should at least let her know. <BR>

I don't think you are being fair to your wife carrying on this relationship without her knowing and if this is what you really want I think you should make your choice and deal with it. I know it is much easier said then done, but you owe it to your wife and to yourself to be honest here. You did make a committment and you should at least let her know. <P>If my wife and I have discussed separation/divorce in the past, why do I owe it to her to bring this information in? Can't we split on mutually agreeable terms without bringing pain and hurt into the equation?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If my wife and I have discussed separation/divorce in the past, why do I owe it to her to bring this information in? Can't we split on mutually agreeable terms without bringing pain and hurt into the equation?<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>MNBinky:<P>If you don't feel that you "owe it to her" than just split. Why wait for "trouble"? What's stopping you from leaving your W right now? If you don't want to work on your marriage, then don't. Just leave. It's up to you whether or not you tell your W about the affair with the ex-g. <P>Why are you looking for an excuse? Is it because you don't want the "blame" to be put on you? You want it to be something to blame on your W? That's not fair.<P>My 2 cents. If you really think you have something with this ex-g. Then just go. Don't wait for another blowup. You're already being unfair to your wife by having an affair. Why make it worse?<P>

I agree, if this is what you want to do, don't keep stringing your wife along. Just make a decision and do it. Just make sure you also realize that when you go back to your old girlfriend don't expect it to be just the way it was, you both have had relationships since you were last together and I am sure baggage that you are carrying into this relationship, I am not saying that it will be bad in any way just be prepared for things not to be just the sameas it was so many years ago. <BR>I understand you previously discussed divorce but what you are doing behind her back is decietful any way you put it. So just get on making that decision and don't be stringing two women on. Good Luck, I hope you make the right choice.

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with this decision. I wonder if your wife has a family reunion or class reunion coming up? <P>Old Girlfriend is a term meaning "used to be," and is not anymore for some reason. Are you trying to put moldy bread back into the refrigerator hoping it will get fresh again?<P>Sandwich anybody?

because she didn't try to solve problems in the past doesn't mean she will take this well. Maybe you think the fact you are interested in this woman won't do anything to your wife's feelings, if so you are totally wrong and you and your wife have to go through REAL rough time when this(your affair) comes out. She didn't try so you can do whatever you want, it doesn't work that way. If you really believe you should be with this woman then just leave your wife as soon as possible, by staying with her you are going to cause many pains to her. Once you loved your wife so if you are sure you are going to leave her be nice to her at least.<BR>

I really think you would get some insight be reading in the negotiating in marriage section, either on Cali's or my threads. Also check out the Emotional needs section on either of those threads. With mine you will have to bounce around a bit, I'm new at this, but both these stories will give you some insight about what your wife's feelings may be. <P>Just because she has wanted to give up in the past, doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She stayed didn't she? Trust me, feelings can change a lot, and fast. This morning, I was ready to just send him to his ex-fiance, this afternoon, I'm willing to fight to keep him. Go, read, think. I agree with the others. If you decide you want the X, then don't drag out the pain to your wife. It isn't fair!