Hi. Cantletgo here. I thought it was time I changed my name. Weighing the pros & cons of divorce? Here are some questions to ask yourself.<p>Point of No Return - from divorcesource.com<p>How do you know when you've finally reached the point of no return, when putting your relationship together again is simply too much of a stretch?
In the end, of course, the answer is personal. But if your answers to the following questions are irrefutably yes, it may be time to let go: <p>_Does every situation, no matter how seemingly trivial, evolve into a fight?
_Do you or your spouse continually refer to hurtful events in the past?
_Is all the respect gone from your relationship? _Do you feel it is impossible to build that respect back?
_Have your goals and directions changed while your partner's have stayed the same? (Or vice versa.)
_Is your partner no longer fostering your individual growth?
_Have you and/or your partner both changed so much that you no longer share moral, ethical, or lifestyle values?
_Have you and your spouse lost the art of compromise? When you disagree, are you unable to forge a path together that is acceptable to both?
_Do you and your spouse have a basic sexual incompatibility?
_Do you feel completely unattracted to each other? _Despite help from professional therapists, have you stopped making love?<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</p>

Bumped up for inh. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi AGW/CLG,<p>Found your post interesting and unfortunately my answers to your ? more yes than no. Actually my H would probably respond that way which makes sense since he's the one who wants out. <p>How many yes's do you feel are necessary to vote for D? Is there a possibility of changing yes to no on any? What would need to be done to do that? Just some thoughts.

Most of the questions that you posted had no answers to them (2 each) in my situation.

two other questions could have been answered possibly yes, but more than likely they are no answers.

I'm in the middle of a D.

So I'm a little confused as to what these questions all mean?

By the sounds of it, I should not be getting a D... but I am.

Just wondering.

Wallace

I would say that I answered all but 2 of those questions with a yes. This is the 2nd day after I told him he could have DV. I think a lot of problems were that we married so young that we grew apart. The question about sharing moral, ethical and lifestyle values was the biggest yes of them all. I decided today that he isn't even treading water any longer and he is going down fast. Sad to see him do this to himself. I actually have found a little relief from moving ahead with the DV. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

Sorry I don't have the answers for you guys. I guess we have to decide for ourselves. It was just something to think about. In my case, all the answers are yes. <p>(deleted) I give up!<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</p>

ATW - So many simularities in our story. Like I said before I am almost relieved that we are moving forward. I like you didn't want the DV either but my D asked me the other night "What is your heart saying?" Told her, "That I want my husband back". Her response was, "Even if he isn't the same man?" Made me look at things a little different and I realized that he would never be the man that I married and I didn't think I could live with the person that he has become. I'm going to make him do the DV as well. He needs to actually take on some responsibilities like you said. The e-mail that I sent him yesterday telling him that I realized that he wasn't a part of my future had an outline of about 15 things that we needed to do and only 2 of those were my responsibility. I am on anti-depressants as well, but I was on them prior to D-Day due to a medical crisis that occurred last May-August. Imagine that, the same time that he was starting A. I continue to take mine and know that they have helped me get through a lot in the last few months. Continue to see your counselor. I actually was already seeing one when D-Day came and that helped me too. You are right you need to think about you. You are the most important person and never forget that. I know that he is still seeing OW but I don't think that is what hurts the most. Mine is that he didn't even give me a chance to change (Plan A) with him. He just gave-up. I'm also glad that he wasn't living at home for the past 3 months. I like you would have been obsessed with trying to find things about them. It was enough to see the charges on the credit card and have him lie through his teeth and tell me that they were gifts for my upcoming B-Day or Valentines Day, when they were for her B-Day and Valentines Day. I can't live with the lies either and I see now that he has been lying to me for a very long time. I deserve better than that and so do you. Hang in there and I pray everyday for all of us.

Exactly. I think I am indeed more angry at the fact that he has never given any indication of giving our marriage a chance, not even once! That tears me up more than him making a mistake. But a mistake that has lasted a year, I dont know if I can forgive anymore. Last year he told me " I am giving you a chance. . . a chance to get used to the idea that I am leaving"!!! Hes the one who betrayed our marriage & lied to me & treated me very badly. Lately he said " I tried in my own way, it just didn't work out" HUH? When?? Giving me the complete could shoulder refusing to speak to me, sleeping on floor, going out of his way to tell me some story of his actions that turn out to be a whopper of a lie & hes with OW?!! GRR. Well, now he's said hes talked to the attorney & the papers are being drawn up! I've heard that before many many times, so we'll see! The difference is I am not begging pleading anymore. Why should I suffer more cruelty & rejection. I am done. I cant wait til his affair with OW crashed & burns. I want her to go thru what I went thru this past yr & worse, and not get to wait til judgement day after death either! H is already suffering. If it continues on with him refusing to seeek counseling, I really think he may end up in a psychiatric unit of a hospital!! How I wish OW's ex-h would get full custody of their child. She is behaving like a hooker. Even refused to let their child in her apt one night when child was upset & H brought him to her place! Her own child!! Likely my H was there at the time!! She deserves hell to pay!!<p>I dont feel like I have learned any "lesson" from all of this (God's hands & all of that). I just feel like I am being punished for leading a moral life and that I will never trust anyone ever again! This is so hard! My friends dont understand the emotional entanglement of this all. But I feel like I am done. Bring on the papers!! I need no more turmoil & lies in my life. I need some PEACE.

ATW - I agree on the part about the OW and him not working out. They screwed up 2 marriages. I told him the other day that I didn't know how he thought this relationship was going to work with OW when he couldn't talk to me after over 20 years of marriage. Was thinking it might be that OW is pushing him to get divorce because I know that she is already in the process with her H. The really sad thing is that they were all friends, my WH, OW and OWH and they had a lot of friends in a circle that all hung out together. I didn't hang out with them because it was a sport that I wasn't interested in. When all the friends found out about the A they took OW H's side and basically all the WH and OW had was each other. All of our friends that we had as a couple can't believe that he had changed so much and he would do something like this to me. I guess I'm looking at it now as I will be happier when I don't have to deal with him. When we have something set up legally that states that he has to pay a set amount each month for child support, etc. I will have no reason to talk to him other than S who is under 18. D is almost 20 so she can handle herself. Luckily he is trying to keep it civil as I am too so that we don't have huge legal bills. When I asked for chance to show him that I could change he told me that he thought it would be fake or put on and that it would get old and I would go back to being the way that I was. You notice that he does what every other WS does. Blames me for the A and tries to validate that he didn't do anything wrong by telling me that I wasn't there for his emotional needs. When he changed the most was while I was going through my medical crisis last year and I think that actually pushed him away from me more because he didn't want to deal with it. Sad to think that I would have been there to support him through anything and he couldn't be there for me. In 20+ years of marriage he has had a lot more downs than ups but I was always right beside him and I didn't go out and find someone to handle my emotional needs when he was going through a tough time and needed me. I was focused on him not me. Claims that he always put everyone before him. Bull*?>% is all I have to say to that. He has total tunnel vision and like I said he isn't even treading water anymore, it's a just a matter of time and he is going under. Hope he doesn't think he will be able to come back then. Because it won't happen. Can't live with lies and additude like that. Hang tough. Hopefully the roller coaster is going to stop soon and we will both be able to get off.

My boss just got back from a conference in New Orleans. I should've asked her to bring me back a voodoo doll. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I was thinking for OW, but she said it would've been a male one. I said oh, we could string it up by its whatsit and call it a pinata!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, its time to go home & face the music, or lack thereof. Til tommorrow. . .

Yeah - I agree I would love to have one of those VoDoo dolls. Probably would want one of each sex though so I could take it out on both of them. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I laughed when he told me that this wasn't OW's fault that he was the one to blame. Then the next sentence he told me that he wasn't to blame either that I was to blame. Whatever.. I have another 30 mins. and then I will head for home too. Luckily I don't have to deal with him on a nightly basis and soon to be I won't have to deal with him at all... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]