Recently i found that my husband had been cheating on me, we were having problem after our first child was born. He is now divorcing me. He doesn't admit he was cheating. I am currently living with my parents. And i believe she is living with him. i want to save my marriage, but i haven't spoken to him for a while. and i have court date coming! I don't know what to do.

You don't really say very much so it's hard to give specific advice. It'd be helpful to know more details like dates key events happened. When did you separate? Who moved out, you or him? I assume he filed, how long ago was that? How far apart from him are you? When you have contact with him, what kind of reaction do you get from him?<p>Here's a link to a great post with a lot of good helpful information: click here<p>Hopefully there will be something there to help you get through this.<p>Good luck!

well, i came to visit my parents in nov for a couple of months. I was to go back in January, he calls me mid dec, asking for a divorce. in jan i go back and she shows up with her. he claims she is just a friend, she was dating his best friend for a month. the met the weekend after i came here, a week after that she broke up with the best friend. I guess thats when they started dating. His friend confronted him about it and he denies it. right now his best friend isn't talking to him, as he avoids all his other friends. i have a gut feeling that they do have a relationship, i haven't caught them in the act. He called me recently on mother's day and we started fighting, he was cursing at me, and i was too, i was upset, but i still don't want to end our marriage, i really think we could work things out, if she wasn't in the picture, my family doesn't want me to have anything to do with him, my mother hates him, i don't know what to do,

Sorry for how you are hurting. I think when the spouses get very defensive, usually something fishy is going on. Try your best not to let him drag you into arguments. I used to curse back at mine when he would initiate such confrontations & he only threw it back in my face later, using it as an excuse "the reason he was leaving me", among others. Well, he is in affair for a year now. Still denies it. Maybe snoop a little on emails, credit card receipts, phone bills etc but I wouldnt confront him with it. He'll likely still deny it. But you're not crazy!! Avoid conflict and as the army slogan goes . . be all that YOU can be. I've been struggling for a year. <p>You may need to talk to a counselor or pastor or someone. You need support right now and the "dump the loser" attitude doesnt help, even if they are right, deep down. Read all the info on this site about emotional needs, lovebusting, the questions & answers etc. Browse the other boards on this website too. There is one called "Just Found Out" and the people who have been on here longer & learned more lessons often reply to the "General Questions" Board topics. Look for links provided for New people on board like yourself. Many, many here have "been there, done that".<p>I would move back into my home with my kids if I were you. He wants freedom, let HIM move out. See the information on His needs, Her needs or emotional needs to see if you can meet some of his. In my case, my H was closed off. But they are along the lines of satisfaction sexually, financial support, domestic support (home upkeep, planning, time management etc); a spouse who is attractive; plus more. <p>Take a deep breath!! Browse books at the library or store & get some to read. Can someone else watch your children for a bit while you take sometime for yourself to catch a moments peace & gather your thoughts. Take the kids out and have a good time, without H. Show him what he's missing, but you must act like you can get along without him & take care of yourself, until you actually begin to believe it. Read up on the Plan A/Plan B stuff. Take care.<p>P.S. Aha! after the fact I see that O2besane has given you a link to another post. Scroll down on that & there are many direct links to the info you need to handle this crisis! And here is another link to the introductory page with further links to the info you need. Some will be duplicate links.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</p>

I would love to move, i think if i can maybe i can change things, however, he supposedly moved to another apartment in the same complex, but recently i think he is in the same apt, but my name is no longer on the lease, and if i were to show up there, she would be in the apt. i think he wants me to come begging back and i want him to admit what he has done and an apology, i am willing to work on our marriage, as i think what we have is worth fighting for. i feel like calling him and just talking to him, but he always gets defensive, or doesn't want to talk about us as if he was feeling guilty talking to me, i think he feels like he's cheating on her.

You said you have a court date coming up - what's it for? Who made the appt? Did you file for Divorce?<p>Where are your possessions? So what if OW is there. Call him up, ask him when would be a good time to come and collect your things and tell him to please be out while you do so! Dont participate in any further discussion. OW has no power except to tell him what he wants to hear and in the bedroom. They get swept away by that crap. You cant convince him to change, he'll only pull further away. He must decide things for himself. Don't let him blame you for everything.

he filed for divorce, custody, the whole thing, all my stuff is still there, i don't care to much for those. we also have a lot of credit card debt, he wants me to split it with him, i'm still in school, i'm doing an internship right now, i've used my dad's retirement money for a car,school, lawyer's fees, etc. i can't believe this is happening, i thought we had the perfect marriage, now he uses every little thing against, he claims those are the reasons for divorce. i've lost my husband, my home, i look at my daughter, and feel as i failed, she doesn't deserve this, she's 10 months, and has no idea whats going on. i'm thinking about going to counseling or getting some anti-depressants. sometimes, i feel as though if we did get back together, that we can make things work. its so difficult to move on, not knowing where i'm headed. and constantly worrying about my daughter. At first he couldn't imagine my H with this OW. i think i've begun to see that now, although it still hurts. i think i just need closure or something, i just want him to tell me, that they do have something.

Gosh, what a mess. Dont hold your breath waiting for H to admit emotional or physical affair with OW. In his mind, he's likely justifying it by blaming you that you did or didnt do something . .anything. . I caught mine outright in things & he STILL denies it. It has taken me a whole year of being hurt to start letting go. Until last week that was my user name "cantletgo". I reread my old posts & realized nothings changed. We cant make H do anything, they have to make their own choices. For now you have to be strong for your little baby. Definately seek a counselor and be willing to try antidepressents. They dont make it go away, but definately help lessen crying spells and think more clearly. I'll be very much the school you go to has an advising/counseling office somewhere that is for other than academic purposes. Find it. You can usually have at least 3 appointments (would be very helpful) and then they may suggest you go to someone for more long term help. Ask then if they recommend someone who accepts payment on a sliding scale. Also ask your attorney if they'd be willing to break down the retainer into a sequence of payments - say monthly?<p>Is your H thinking he'll keep the house? How much do you owe on the loan? You need an appraisal by the mortgage firm to find out current worth. DONT GO BY THE TAX APPRAISAL. That is not what you can get for the house, its usually much lower. If there's any profit to be made you should be entitled to half. Is your name on the loan? Either sell it & H gives you your share of money or he buys you out. <p>Also his income is higher, then you can claim 'maintenance' (alimony) though it wont be too much. Formula depends on difference in incomes & how long married. ANd child support. Garnish his wages!! Dont let him wipe you all over the mat. Stand up for yourself. talk to your attorney about the credit thing. Who's name is on the cards/other loans?? Who accrued the debt. Dont take responsibility for him. Find the therapist service at school. You need the support!! Take care of yourself & daughter & let your attorney deal with his attorney. I dont think he is ready to admit mistake & work on the marriage. And its hard to face that he may never be. So do your own thing and hang in there

Thanks for all your help! i think i'll just take things as it comes. Actually we were in an apartment, so atleast thats not an issue. i just don't want to be liable for the cards, although most of the purchases were furniture, which he has, so i just tell everyone to pray for me. thanks again.

oops! Sorry to get you riled up over the house thing. Thank goodness its not an issue! But be careful over the credit thing. Call the local credit bureau for the 3 agencies & check your records (Equifax is one, there are 2 others). <p>Please do check at your school for counseling services. It will help you alot and at least 3 appts. are free. It IS confidential! It has to be. If you cant find it, and your college has a health service office, ask there. You are in the beginning stanges of depression & it will take hold of you & strangle you cause of the life circumstances you have to face. Everyone needs support! Take care. <p>Did you read the info from the links? Excerpts from the books & the idea policies & questions & answers? Please do. Take care.

I've ordered a few books, surviving an affair, his needs her needs. Hopefully i can get some insights, who knows maybe i can save my marriage. The question is, Will he do it again, or can i even stop him. i don't know if this is his 1st affair or were there more, there have been many time i came to visit my parents. sometimes i feel like, if he could lose all his friends, wife, daughter, is this OW worth all that to him, if she means that much to him, then i am nothing, and i'm sitting here waiting for what, i have divorce papers on my desk, it should tell me something. i'm still holding on to the past. Why can't i just let go or fix things i feel i am in the middle a game and i don't know which team i'm playing for.

Ha! How to let go? Wrong person here! My user name was "cantletgo" until last week. Only YOU will know when enough is enough. What did it for me is having all these hopes & dreams for our 10th anniversary only to have it all in the toilet. No acknowledgement from him at all. All I felt was 'look where we are now, how sad & rotten'. Then I found him in lies again - supposed to be out of town to catch up on work - was parked here at OW's place, likely down for the night until he heard my car & came home with some more lies to cover up. Then I walked into house & heard him being secret & acting like a little schoolgirl on the phone saying "I love you" and telling person to go take a nap etc. GRR. Then I went back & reread old posts of mine before deleting many, and realized absolutely nothing has changed. I have been banging my head against a wall. He has no intention of even thinking about trying to give our marriage a chance. He has thrown a little crumb out here and there to keep me where he wanted me, with him in control. I am tired now.<p>Try not to focus on him. Try to do a Plan A. At least if things dont work, you can tell yourself YOU tried. But you have to let go all the same. It is very hard. Remind yourself of all the rotten things he has said and done. Have you ever tried to talk to him (calmly) about where you both are in this marriage, what you would like to see happen or him let you know what he is willing to do? <p>But I don't think you can do an effective Plan A unless you can subtract the part of wanting to see him respond and come back to the marriage. You have to be willing to see that He may not change a thing, even get worse. You cannot make him do anything, no matter how you try. You'll only wear yourself out. HE has to be the one to make any changes in himself, if he wishes.<p>For now, ACT like you are an independant woman and will be fine without him. Eventually, you won't be acting anymore! Be cordial if in contact with him & avoid confrontations, but don't sweep your emotions under the mat either. They will only come back & bite you later. We all hate to hear "work on YOU". I used to shout back at monitor "HOW?". Thats an individual thing. I spent many hours in bookstores and at the mall in the beginning. ANd with my friends. Since I dont have kids, I played with my friends kids & became an "auntie" thats in demand! When the weather cooperates, I liked to be by the lake or working on some flowerpots. Though, this year I have a second job to make ends meet & its very stressful not managing my time very well.<p>Schedule some time for yourself to find some peace . Can you leave the kids at your parents house & schedule some time for yourself in your hectic day. Soak in the tub, do something that you will find calming. OOH, I want to go for a massage. I've never had one! <p>And please consider going to doctor at the school. My H used to tell me his willpower was enough and refused counseling or medication of any kind. But he just digs himself deeper into a hole and has not faced anything. You dont have to look at depression as some sort of incurable disease. there are many forms and the emotional stress we endure spins us into depression that can be "situational" but it still takes a long time to get resolved.<p>If nothing else, look for a book called "Feeling Good, a new mood therapy". I think that may be helpful.

Hi,
I know you are hurting right now,and want your M to work, however, I picked up on how you said he filed for custody. Who is the baby currently residing with you or him? Talk to an attorney about the custody issue to protect your rights regarding you and your child. I don't know about the state you live in or formerly lived in, I know for the state I live in, if my H left me, and I had the kids, I would not have much trouble getting custody. If I left and left the kids behind, I would have difficulty getting custody. If he received custody, I'm guessing that would hurt you more than his A or the divorce. If the baby is with you, I would see about a temporary custody order, I think this also determines child support??? Did you work during this time period? Depending upon your state, if you did not work or worked very little, you may qualify for temporary alimony? <p>I'm not trying to be cold and I am not advocating that you give up, I understand you want your M to work. I also pick up that at this time he is not willing to work on the M and has filed. I strongly suggest you do what is necessary to protect yourself, so you don't get hurt any more. <p>Good luck

well, actually left with my daughter when he showed up with the other woman, i left the next day withour telling him, i don't think he can get custody, i'm still breastfeeding, and i had dropped my fall semester classes to take care of her, when i came here, i took the classes here while my mother watched my daughter. I don't think custody will be too difficult, however i still am afraid, i wasn't working while in school, currently i am.
my H called yesterday, saying that he has something to discuss with me, my mother doesn't want me to return his call, as i'm not sure what he wants to talk about, it could be things other than the marriage, i'm hoping it would be to fix the marriage, however, i think it may be about debts, or custody arrangements. I'm not sure.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve this nor your precious little baby. I will never,ever ,ever understand how a man (or woman) can just up and leave his family especially a little child. My H did the same thing when I was 8 months pregmant with our first child, he decided he wanted out and found himself OW and feels justified with it. My son who is now 20 months and I are doing fairly well. God has provided for us in ways so wonderful. <p>All I can say is that it is a process. I couldn't let go for a long time. I just sat amazed at the pain I was delt and how someone could be so callous. I just had to take it day by day and was blessed with great family and church who supported me. Crying my heart out to God.
Please be easy on yourself . Don't pressure yourself to "get over it quick." It doesn't happen that way. Just make decisions in your pain that are good in spite of it. Get counseling. IT was the best thing I could have done because it confirms who YOU are.<p>I did learn through this though if your H is insistant on the D to fight for what you need for you and your baby. Financially especially. He bolted from his responsibility so fight for all that you can to protect yourself. That's not being selfish.<p>God will provide for you in spie of your H selfishness. My H still lives with OW. Divorce is going slow b/c he doesn't really want it but he isn't willing to change either. The
"I want things to be nice and easy." syndrome. <p>Please take care of yourself for your baby. The hardest thing for me to accept that my child would have a broken family. My dreams were shattered and dealing with issues of the OW around child etc.. but I do have a peace now that I hadn't had in long time. Be good to yourself. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers!!!

I don't think the working part will effect it much, however, you would need to talk to an attorney about that. I think they look at are you providing a safe, healthy home environment. Since you are back with your parents, you are doing that. If you have not done so, I would consult an attorney or possibly your county welfare and or child support office. If they can't help you, they may be able to direct you to an agency that could. I understand you want you M to work. And that is a good goal, at the same time, you must take care and protect yourself and your baby from any additional emotional pain you have suffered.

i think my H is the same way, i don't think he wants the divorce, however, he is too stubborn to admit anything, i know he got the OW a cell phone, etc. yet he acts as if i was crazy. i know i am right with my feelings but have nothing to prove it. i feel the same, like he didn't only cheat on me, but a baby, i still can't sleep at night, i feel jealous, angry everything, what if he marries the OW, how will i handle my daughter being with them. i feel like he ruined my life, my daughter's life and his. I think few years from now he may regret it, yet, i know i won't want him back then.

nezi,
First, I am sorry you are hurting. I do have a question, how old are you? I was just wondering because you mentioned during your marriage you went to "visit" parents several times. Also you stated in November you went there for a couple of months. When you become married you and H are supposed to become one. Not placing blame on you for your H's EMR, however, it is not wise to leave your H for such a period of time. Your place was with him. Good luck to you. fs

Hi Nezi,
I had the same worries the first time my H left me, what if he married her, I don't want my children around her. I had to accept that it could happen, and there is nothing I could do about it. I also wondered what was wrong with me, that after all this time, he would go looking elsewhere. In my situation I also knew that somehting of her personality, (she knew friends of mine). She fit the "wouldn't bring home to meet the family" type, but fun to be with. So, I had an edge there too. When I got fed up with trying, and started to make a life for me and my children that did not include him, he took notice and came around (I don't recommend this as a ploy, I did not do this to manipulate him, I did it because it was time to move on) When I got to this point, I had decided that this was best for me and my kids.<p>My H, also accused me of being crazy, to the point I went to a counselor. He told me there was nothing wrong with me, and I really didn't need counseling, except maybe to build my self esteem. My H, was the one with the problem. <p>Concentrate on improving yourself, and as hard has this may be, don't give what he is doing any thought. It will only frustrate you. Try to keep the negative emotions at bay. When you do talk to him, don't do any Love busters. Have you received the book "how to survive and affair" It is really good. It helped me the second time around. I wish I would have had this book a few years ago. Have you gone to counseling your self? I found it to be helpful for myself when I went in the past.<p>Take care