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#728417 05/31/02 07:09 PM
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This morning, he was over at the office. said he had turned over a "new leaf" and was going to help with the business. YEA!!! as he's over there, he says that the company equipment is now "HIS". i'm confused at this. I say, you mean the busineses? he says NO. that he's starting his own business and to he** with me and i had better fund it. I got mad. I said i couldn't belive he would do this to us and that i thought it was a really low thing for him to do. I know i shouldn't. but i did. after we hung up, i felt bad for yelling back at him. <p>So I wrote him an apology:<p>I am aplolgizing for the way I behaved on the phone today.<p>I made disrespectful judgements, and I had an angry outburst.<p>I have had an angry outburst. It's not only an ineffective way to produce long-lasting change in your behavior, but it also destroys your love for me.<p>I have also made disrespectful judgments towards you. When I present a problem to you, I should avoid expressing it as being your fault. "If you were less selfish, we wouldn't have this problem," This gets me nowhere. Instead of blaming you for the problem, I need to view it as a problem for me that is, apparently, not a problem for you.<p>Granted, I have also presented complaints before in a thoughtful way, and you have responded with thoughtlessness, which has made me very tempted to revert to being demanding, disrespectful and angry. But it takes two to fight, and if you you do not respond positively to my presentation, I will simply end the discussion, and re-introduce the problem again later.<p>I will strive to take good care of myself and my children both physically, mentally and spiritually. Thanks for listening sweetie.<p>------<p>I read it to him over the phone. and he BLEW UP.
started screaming and yelling, threatening me, everything. <p>Now, what did I do??? I thought that was a very heartfelt, wonderful way to bring up this issue. I was upbeat and perky when i called, showed in my voice and attitude that i really did mean it when i said i was sorry. The only difference is me saying that i was going to take care of myself, by not letting him yell at me for hours like he is used to. he has done this for years, and i don't want it any more. <p>he emails me: <p>Thank you for explaining to me that until I am willing to "respond positively" to your authority as CEO of SSC that you will NOT allow our son to have anything to do with me.<p>WHAT??? how did he get THAT from our letter???<p>he then called up and said he was through with me, said he was going to trash all the equipment or take it to the goodwill, that he would ruin me, kill me, my son would die in my arms... on and on. he wouln't listen when i tried to explain that that what he wrote was not what i said or meant at all! he started throwing things around the room when i wouldn't get mad too. I got scared and fed up.<p>He said i had 1 hour to pick up the company equipment and get the He** out of his life. I went and picked up some equipment, at least the computers and files, things i couldn't replace and what i could get in an hour. <p>Then i went and started a new company bank account and arranged for his phone numbers (he says he will be living at the office and i'd better stay away and everything in it is now his)to be dissconected from the business. I did not get a TRO.<p>Did I go too far? Did I go far enough? is there something I could have done to prevent this? All i was trying to do was apologize for yelling back at him. what did i do wrong??? How can i meet his emotional needs if i don't even understand them?

#728418 05/31/02 07:45 PM
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Ishtar, I would really like to give you some encouragement because it's plain to see you're trying as hard as you can to save your marriage and have a loving husband. I don't think it's going to be with this guy, though. You might think there's a hurt little boy under that tough abusive facade and there may very well be but if there's one truth it's that you can't change someone unless they want to change themselves.<p>I expect you are doing your best to shine some positive light on this man.....I would hate to see what he's really like. I think he's handing you a gift by ordering you out of his life. Take it and run!!

#728419 05/31/02 11:02 PM
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It seems as if your H is in a very emotional state right now, and for your protection - and possibly for court later on - I'd be taping the phone calls with him. <p>No one in their right mind says the things that you have said he says to you.<p>My XH did and does the same thing to me - and only to me - he's a saint to everyone else. But it's because he thinks he can take his anger out on me and I won't do anything about it. <p>I have learned though that what XH says in NOT normal and that I don't have to take it. I'm not saying that I have to be mean and ugly myself, it means simply that if XH starts up, then I calmly say, if you continue to speak to me this way then I will have to hang up the phone.<p>Honestly, no matter what you say or do, if your H is angry, confused, emotional - or whatever, he'll continue to take it out on you if he can, and if he thinks you will cave under his guilt.<p>Unfortunately when you want to save the marriage you do whatever you can to appease the other party, but the other party has to be open to your advances. <p>You can try all the books like "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" or Divorcebusting or Plan A, but just remember that while you do - take care of yourself and your family. Don't live for H's next breath until he is willing to participate in the marriage, or he'll walk all over you and not even care. <p>You should go to the GQII board and read teh post by Spacecase that Debates codeoendency and MB. It's a good read and challenges your thinking about how the two work or don't work together.<p>The bottom line is is that your H may be in a state of mind where he really only care about himself - and where he could care less about you.<p>It's sad, hurtful and painful, but when the H is like this they really don't see or feel your pain, and there is nothing you can do to make them. The best you can do is not take what they say and do personally and take care of yourself.<p>Don't let your H push/guilt you into anything you don't want to do about the business, and let him cool off and think about what he's said to see if he really is serious. <p>Hang in there. K

#728420 06/01/02 06:54 AM
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Thanks for the advise. What, exactly is the GQ II board? The MC said I was revolving around him, too, and suggested I read some co-dependancy books. But they all focus on the H being a drunk, which is not our case at all.<p>Thanks - not up on the acronyms yet!

#728421 06/03/02 05:36 PM
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Many of the books about codependency are focused on alcoholism because that was the particular addictive disorder with which the original concept was developed. But the principles behind the idea of codependency apply to any addictive disorder, some forms of which do not involve any kind of substance abuse at all.<p>In my opinion, ishtar11, you should have gotten the TRO.<p>As to what went wrong, there are a number of things...<p>First, your apology suggested that you were interested in a "way to produce long-lasting change" in your husband's behavior and that you regretted your actions not because they were wrong but because they were "ineffective". Then when you said you "should avoid expressing" a problem as being your husband's fault, the subtle implication was that the problem was his fault but that in the future you intended to take the moral high ground (a position of strength). Third, you outright accused your husband of thoughtlessness and of provoking you. Fourth, you declared your intention to control future "discussion", which you characterized as a "presentation" to which you expected your husband to "respond positively". (Does that sound like it might be a lecture or a harangue?) Fifth, you mentioned taking care of "myself and my children", not "myself and our children", thereby subtly excluding your husband from the picture.<p>This is all about criticism and power and control. Did you mean it that way? I seriously doubt it. But don't forget that your message was being received by a man who seems to be very concerned that he have all the power and control. It is no surprise that he should view everything you said as a threat.<p>After all, it is highly unlikely that he wanted an apology from you. The more badly you behave, the easier it is for him to justify his own bad choices and behavior.


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