Hello all, You know I don't know what to think, I feel part of this letter is manipulation getting me to agree with her and another part justifying her actions and giving me excuses and reasons why I should move on, is anybody familar with this type of response from DV'ed spouse. She wants me to reply in agreement but I feel she will turn it on like all other responses and use it against me,how would you respond to someone like this??<p>Letter from her:<p>Again, I never said I didn't do anything wrong. I only said, I didn't
want to be with you. I don't live in a fantasy world. The only fantasy
around here is the one you have of me coming back. And yes that should
have all come crashing down by now. Life has never been easy but it's
all good. You learn to enjoy life despite the hardships. I don't have
time to focus on all the negative aspects of life. I did that too much
when I was with you.<p>We really need to quit with all of this. What's done is done.
It's over. We both have some hurt feelings but this constant fighting
is pointless. I did stuff yes I did but so did you. Okay, no one
person is at fault. It really doesn't matter anymore, we're divorced
now. Listen to me. I don't blame you. You did do some things but so
did I. So please stop blaming me too. I didn't run out of the
marriage. I walked out willingly. <p>What's most important right now is that we both go on with our lives
and try to be happy. We'll pick up the pieces and go on. I am not by
any means sitting around waiting to see what will happen to you. I
anticipate only good things for you. You've got plans and you're moving
into all the things you wanted. Enjoy it! You deserve it! <p>I haven't shared things with you about me because you've been so
negative towards me, and I don't need anyone feeding me negative
comments while I'm working on things. I guess all I'm saying is... I'm
tired of fighting. I've said it before and I'll say it again, for the
sake of the girls, we need to stop fighting. If that's not possible...
if we can't be civil, then our communications need to be limited to the
girls. Yes I am seeing someone right now and that shouldn't be a source of contention between us.
Because at some point, you will have another woman in your life and I
would be very cool and civil to her. I'd want to know her at least a
little because she'd be the woman spending time around my girls. But it
would be cool to see you happy again with someone in your life who would
truly love you the way you deserve to be loved. I have absolutely no
problem with. Grant me the same courtesy.<p>Are you in agreement?

I read this earlier and was kind of chewing on it... <p>I think my response would be short and sweet, not to get dragged into anything.<p>Still thinking...<p>E

I kind of agree with Elizabeth. WHY did she write this anyway? Had you two been having a "fight?"<p>I think I would simply write her back and say,
"Fine. Have a nice life."
EC

I would not reply at all. You are divorced because of her actions, not yours. Just don't say anything. The letter seems so manipulative I would just file it and let it drop.<p> Jack

We did have spat about, that I flew 1,200 miles to D graduation only to get ignored by D, wasn't told I had a reserved seat at gradution from school and wife knew about seating, I had to stand and watch graduation through a fence outside stadium, wife had OM in MY seat inside stadium, Xw then of 1 week has OM living in house. I was told by sister D's are running around in their night clothes in front of him......It bothers me because Xw openly shares pornography with these men and feels no shame..<p>So I guess I am upset of what she's doing to my D's. Not one time has she ever said what she's done wrong ,its always "WE" did wrong when I have openly admitted my mistakes...she has never confessed anything.....<p>I don't try to fight with her, I raise my concerns, she just defensive of what I say such as" Why are you doing this to our daughers" why parade these strange men, sexual perverts in front of them and cause the danger of them in to getting raped or molested......The guy that lives there is a controller and extremely jealous in so much that he guards my xw from talking and interacting with women, but my xw thinks its cute because she getting attention....she says she's happy..but as you see wants me not to raise that subject and be in peace....

Like CJ, I would not reply at all. The only thing possibly worth agreeing to, is limiting your communication to matters involving your daughters. But it sounds like you're already doing that.<p>You don't have to "validate" anything she said.

Like TMMX said "You ARE divorced, you don't have to validate anything to her or for her" .. Zero, Nada, NOTHING.<p>Don't respond. She knows what she owns, and she knows she is wrong for having an affair. This email is dripping in guilt. <p>Sorry, ELC.<p>Jo<p>[ June 03, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

FFFFFFFF OOOOOOOOO GGGGGGGG
F O O G
F O O G
FFFF O O G GGG
F O O G G
F O O G G
F OOOOOOOOO GGGGGGGG<p>Pure and simple, trying to lay the blame, the vindictiveness, the fault at your feet.<p>Forget it.......she knows the truth.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Perhaps only a fool would respond to this, but having become accustomed to being thought a fool, I must admit that I would respond. Something like this...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I have no interest in playing the blame game, and I have no desire to fight. However, for me to grant you the "courtesy" you ask would be for me to condone actions that I would never want or expect you to condone on my part; and so by asking me to grant you "the same courtesy" that you would grant me, you are really asking me to accept and adopt your altered moral framework. This I cannot do, if not for my own sake, then "for the sake of the girls". If you find it objectionable for me to impose my moral framework on you, then surely you can see how inappropriate it would be for you to impose yours on me.<p>I will do what I can to maintain civility in our discourse, but there are principles I simply can not abandon.</strong><hr></blockquote>

I wouldn't respond to it. Just pray for her that God will lead her on the right path.

OMG GDP!!!!<p>May I copy and save your response you offered, ELC? Ya never know when a FOGGED ex may try this one on me. I wanna be prepared.<p>That was excellent .. I bow to you.<p>Jo

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. Below is a peice of an email where I said she turns things against me. Like I have said to her and to this post, I fought to sign for 6 months, I cried and kicked, refused, avoided it all the way. I only signed marital agreement for the sake of keeping in contact with my kids for visitation and keeping my personal property with she was willing to trash it all. I Told her before I signed, I'm not signing because I agree or want divorce as I have stated to her many times, it was either sign or lose everything including visitation, she put me in a BIND by the Law and she knew it. Now she uses what I signed against me for her benefit stating in terms that I had a choice and I was in agreement, she uses this to justify her divorce. Thats why I'm not sure about responding to that email in agreement because she'll turn it against me as her license of approval and validation.<p>
Letter:<p>Remember YOU SIGNED THE
MARITAL SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT and agreed to do it.
If you had no intention on doing it, you shouldn't have signed your name
to it. READ WHAT YOU SIGN BEFORE YOU SIGN IT.<p>
**********
So there you have it her manipulation...

EC,<p>I think I have one of those letters from my x laying around here somewhere. It is all part of the justification process. My x even said she was leaving anyway, but om just happened to come along.<p>While GDP had a good reply, I wouldn't bother replying. My x always misunderstood everything too. So what is the use?<p>Bob

Thanks everyone each post has extremely made me feel better, I won't reply.....<p>My D called me lastnight I wasn't home, she left message. I'll be talking to her today, I'm curious to know what she wants, she said she needed to talk to me, who knows, maybe its about the grad night or maybe she just wants some money, who knows?, I love her regardless she's still my big baby.

Well I called D to see what she wanted "money of course" but she needed money to stay on the college campus for a summer program. I'm paying for room and board at college now and CS for her to live at xw house when she's going to be there and will be at college. The issue is now I have to pay CS until she's nineteen but at college breaks she can stay at my place instead of Xw's house, she has her choice. I'm thinking now I may have to get an attorney involved..not because I don't want to pay CS, but I shouldn't be supporting xw with income thats not required if D is not there, on top of the $800 CS I pay now, now a $150 for this summer college program in 2 weeks,not including food, this is a lot.....Anybody been down this road???

Have you explained to d, you can't afford it. For $150 plus, she may need to get a job. She may need to learn that she has to take the responsibility for herself.<p>Worst case scenario is she won't talk to you. Isn't she already not talking to you?

Have told D she needs to get a job, she says she will, however xw constantly feeds her "your Dad has money go ask him", and then tells D's "we wouldn't be having a hard time if your Dad did his part", meaning, xw wife wants to have affairs, sleep around, get divorced and still wants my income in the house to keep the same standard of living she had when I was there. Therefore she places the blame on me to my daughters even though I have done my part always.<p>I really feel my D wants to communicate with me but I thinks she caught under xw's power of deception, as I said they talk in code on the phone, its a oneway conversation unless, they want money...which I don't have<p>To answer your question RWD " Tell her I can't afford it"I have but...xw then tells D, see he don't love you or want anything to do with your future. My D don't understand money don't grow on tree's and xw is doing everything in her power to keep D's in that frame of mind that its all because of me they don't have what they want, therefore this keeps D's in the frame of mind, if " I guess if I was a woman, I wouldn't stay with a man like that either.., therefore she uses this to justify to D's why she divorced, which is all a lie, she uses this as one of her manipulation tools to shame me.....<p>If I don't give D money $150.00 xw will turn the college ordeal on me and wedge me and D futher apart...I feel once D is on college campus her eyes will come open, she'll be away from xw..