I am 22 Years old and have been married for two years. I just recently found out that my Husband has been into pornography our whole marriage and lying to me about it. I would find stuff in our house and I would find pages bookmarked on our computer, but he promised on the lord and our marriage that they were not his and he would not lie to me, well it all came out about two weeks ago when his business partner showed me the bank statements of my husband charging porn sites to the credit card. Things had gotten so bad with his porn that he has slept on the couch for the last year and a half, he told our family dr. that he had no sex drive for me.<BR>He has blamed it on me he said it was becuase I was pregnat that was over six month ago and this has been going on for two years. I feel cheated on and lied to I feel betrayed. I am a strong beleiver in God and a strong beleiver that pornography is wrong. My husband says it is done ,but he still will not sleep in our bed and He is still very angry toward me. I don't know what to do? I know divorce is wrong ;but where do I go from here? I could really use some advice or help?<BR>I don't know if he is angry because he got caught or what?

<<I could really use some advice or help?>><P>Here is some advice -- lighten up. Millions of men occasionally look at pornography, and millions of couples at least occasionally enjoy it together. It is not illegal. Your shaming of your husband has ticked him off, and probably caused him to give up any hope of having a open and exploring sexual relationship with you. The lack of that probably DROVE him to pornography in the first place.<P>Instead of shaming him with your snooping and accusing, why don't you come down the stairs in a negligee and tell him you want to talk about sexual fantasies?? That might get him off the couch and back in your bed. <BR>

My husband also looks a pron movies, and goes to trip joints. So I know how you feel. He says it just entertainment. It seems to me your husband my be addict to porn, because why is there a need to lie about it. You can't change your h so my advice is to pray to God and as God to deliver him from his desire for porn, and that his desires will be to please you and to bring harmony into your marriage. Prayer is the answer. <BR>

I know how you feel. My husband has lied several times about having had watched porn. I was able to express to him how much it bothered me, but that I was willing to listen to his side, as well. We have been dealing with it now for 3 years. (I am like you. I married at 20, had a child a year later. We have been married now for 4 years.) I can tell you that, unless you have someone who is willing to be truthful and honest with you, you will be hurt and frustrated so much more. Express to him that what hurts so much is that he lied to you. The pornography just adds insult to it all. No marriage is healthy when there's lying going on. I suggest that you get to a point where you two can be completely honest with each other first, then try to explore your differing feeling on porno.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B><<I could really use some advice or help?>><P>Here is some advice -- lighten up. Millions of men occasionally look at pornography, and millions of couples at least occasionally enjoy it together. It is not illegal. Your shaming of your husband has ticked him off, and probably caused him to give up any hope of having a open and exploring sexual relationship with you. The lack of that probably DROVE him to pornography in the first place.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Mike, I don't want to be offensive, but your comment sounded very much like that of an alcoholic rationalizing why he stays drunk. "You drive me to drink." "You make me do these things." "It's all your fault."<P>I'm sure there are instances where marriages are damaged terribly by figid women; but, honestly, I have read just as much in these forums about men with low sex drives as I have about women.<P>PORNOGRAPHY - absolutely..... millions of men look at it, and it's a multi-billion-dollar industry. So are the industries of Alcohol, Drugs, and Tobacco. So are the industries of child-pornography, child slavery, and beastiality. <P>By suggesting to her that she "lighten up," you pretty much told her that her concerns were invalid. <P>I can tell you from experience, that the negligees, stockings, hot baths, different places, different positions, oral sex (which, BTW, I do enjoy) has never been a deterent to the addiction of pornography. Much like just having one glass of wine with dinner is a deterent from an alcoholic sneaking a whole bottle of whiskey when he's away from the table.<P>If you were to see signs of your wife spending more time with male pornography than she did with you, or if she looked at naked men on the computer rather than joining your naked body in bed, would you want to "lighten up?" Or would you have some valid concerns?<P>Millions of men doing it doesn't make it right. In fact, because millions of men do anything without the supervision of a woman should make any action suspect! (LOL)<P>I'm sure you're a good person and the "man thang" with porn is just a testeronically induced psychosis when porn is the topic of conversation. I suggest porn is like a frustrated guitar player hearing Eric Clapton and fantasizing himself playing just like him and aweing audiences with his "plucking" prowess. When in fact, he's just a mediocre guitar player, at best... in real life.<P>Take care....laugh more than you frown today.<P>Katherine

PeskyWabbit -<P>If I may say so without offense...<P>One of the reasons men often find pornography attractive is that in porn, no woman ever calls you 'mediocre at best'.<P>Doesn't necessarily make it right (or wrong), but porn is an issue that needs to be understood even if you condemn it. Men (I think) approach pornography for a variety of motives, and it is difficult for most women to empathize because they do not always understand the motives. <P>It might give some insight if you think about why men, by and large, do not read Harlequin romance novels. Our motives, meaning what we are looking for in escapist literature, are different. <P>I think we lose an opportunity to understand each other better if we automatically dismiss the subject by saying 'All men who look at porn are pigs' or 'Only an idiot would read "The Bridges of Madison County"'. <P>Please understand that I am not necessarily condoning any man who wants to use pornography. Pornography can be as damaging to a marriage as almost any other obsessional behavior. But not all men who use porn are addicts any more than all social drinkers are alcoholics - or any woman who reads 'Gone with the Wind' is a slave to fantasy.<P>Or so it seems to me.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

I agree with Pesky Wabbit 100%!! You sound like a very intelligent person. I thank god everyday that my husband doesnt look at that crap!! I can only imagine how I would feel if he did. Being a non-aneroxic woman in this day and age makes some women feel self conscience enough without wondering if your man is thinking about those women in the porn films or you while you're having sex. I will never understand why men are so turned on by porn! Can any man please explain it to us? I, and many other women I suspect, would much rather see an attractive man in just his underwear than see him naked. It leaves more for the imagination!! Being a mother of 2 girls I really worry about the effect of all this porn being so readily available on the internet. <BR> How is Forteore doing? Hope you've found the answer you were searching for? Your H sounds like hes reacting to your hurt feelings like a child. Being mad at you for something he did is childish. Do you love him enough to help him carry his baggage? What else might he have lied to you about? Hopefully he hasnt acted out any of his porn fanasties! I would have to do a little detective work on what hes been doing in his spare time. Let us know how you're doing!

[QUOTE) Thank you for asking. Things are still a little rough!!! I really don't understnad though why people say it is the womans fault. I was honestly clueless untill My husbands business partner came to me. That is how much trust I had for my husband. We have three children and this whole thing has out a big strain on our marriage and the hardest part is the trust that is lost and the thought of adultry because he lusted after them in his heart and mind. Thank you for the gret advice and I worry about my two daughters as well.

This situation with your H choosing porn over you is serious.<P>You are young so maybe he just likes the "clothes" they wear. Perhaps you should get some of those outfits. You don't have to go into a store if it's embarrassing to you; just check out victoriassecret.com or fredericks.com. You're married to your H so you wouldn't doing anything immoral by wear clothes he likes for him.<P>There are tons of Redbook, Cosmo, and Madamoiselle magazines that are subscribed to by public libraries no less, so you can check out advice on how to use these fashions without having to be seen buying the magazines.<P>If the porn was in addition to being intimate with you, you wouldn't need to be threatened. But since it is being used to replace you, you need to do something about it.

I must reply to Guilty1's post - "perhaps you should get some of those outfits" Why should she have to dress like a hoe to try to get her H to quit looking at porn?? If it was something to enhance love making it would be different, but she should'nt be under any pressure to make her H stop looking at porn. It is His problem to deal with. Unfornately I think most men look at porn because they lust after what they cant have. He knows he can have his wife anytime, I really dont think a new outfit would help much. Maybe I'm wrong... Men please enlighten us on why you look at porn.

I'm not a man, but I asked my husband why... One reason he gave was that women in magazines are 2 dimentional.. and they do not make any demands on him. He can be totally passive. Personally I thought that was weird. He loves me more than any woman onscreen/in magazine etc.. but I look nothing like them. He says that is because I have a mind and a heart and they don't. <P>Maybe your husband doesn't see them as "real" and therefore they are "safe". ie, he can "cheat" without cheating.. but to you it is cheating so that doesn't follow, either. You said that you feel porn is wrong.. what exactly is it about porn that you feel is wrong? and what constitutes porn? Any nudity? any sex? or just the degrading stuff? or the (imo) boring stuff. I tried watching some movies with my husband, and honestly, I thought they were the most boring waste of film ever. No love, no commitment, just, well you know. Boring.<P>I apologize if I have said something upsetting.