hi all. i'm new here. just thought i would post and maybe get some advice before i rip all my hair out..<p>the short version:
my husband and i are both 22 and have been married 3.5 years. we have a 3yr old daughter and are expecting our 2nd due in exactly one week. he is currently having an affair with a woman 9yrs older than him, who has 3 kids and has been married 15 years. he's in the Army and she's in the Reserves. they were both deployed to Kosovo, that's where they met. they were there for 6 months. he just got back home May 14th. i don't know exactly how long it was going on, but he told me about the affair on April 7th, and constantly flipped back and forth on his feelings since then. one moment he was totally in love with her, the next he was ready to come back to me. he's been that way since he got back home, as well, just not as drastic. he said he tried to concentrate on me. we went out to lunch a few times with our daughter, and went out to dinner once. but he still can't stop thinking about her. i believe it's cause he never tried. he talks to her 2 - 3 times a day.<p>he went to see her this past weekend (she lives in Ohio; we're in NC) and we talked about everything tonight. he says he finally decided that he wants to be with her, so we started talking about divorce. this is not what i want at all. i still truly believe that we could work past this and be happy. but he's so blinded by what he feels for her that he doesn't see anything else. he says he does know what he is doing is wrong. and he knows that he is losing everything to take this chance on being with her. but for some reason that is not enough. i don't know if there's anything else i can do now. i still want to be with him, even after everything that's happened. i can't believe he would throw his family away just to be with her, but that is what he is doing. she is still with her husband and says she wants to leave him, but she hasn't yet. i just don't know what to do anymore. i really do believe that he still loves me, and that there is a part of him that wants to be with me still. but he has buried it so far inside him, and refuses to see it.<p>thanks for listening.<p>- allison

Allison,<p>I am soooo sorry for what you're going through right now. Welcome to MB...I think you'll be glad you came. There are many caring people here who will try to help---by giving a listening 'ear' and shoulder to cry on, if nothing else. <p>Please read over everything on the site and you may want to hop over to the Infidelity section and check out the General Questions II, Just Found Out boards. <p>Your husband is in what we call 'the fog'...he has no clue what he's doing and what the consequences are. There's really not much you can do to snap him out of it. Do Read about Plan A/Plan B...they will help you. He's chasing 'over the rainbow'. He thinks life with her is going to be sooo different. Yeah, It will okay, but I don't think he's gonna like it. They 'bonded' over an extreme situation-being in the trenches together-but I don't think that bond can survive, truthfully. It's just like high school friends--it just fades away with time.<p>I wonder what the deal is on her side? What about her h and kids? This is too stupid of them both...leaving families...they really are 'fogged up'. <p>Again, please read everything here and keep posting...we will try to help you---you have our love and support.<p>{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Allison.<p>BTW!!! Are you havinga boy or girl? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I understand what you are going through. I'm staioned in Korea and W is haveing a PA and is not sure if she can stay and work things out with me or not. I don't want a D either.<p>So far what I have been doing is to keep letting her know that I love her and miss her so much. I send her e-mails, e-cards, poetry, and short messages on IM. <p>I hope when I get back hope she will sit and talk with me and won't be thinking of being with the OM. I beleive that your H and my W had OW/OM telling them what they needed to hear from us.<p>My only suggestion is to keep showing him that you love, care, want him, and that he is special to you. I hope everything works out. My heart reaches out to you.<p>Good Luck

>Please read over everything on the site and you
>may want to hop over to the Infidelity section
>and check out the General Questions II, Just
>Found Out boards. <p>i have read most of it.. i even sent him the link to the article about how affairs begin. it gave me chills when i read it, because it so accurately described our situation and how he has told me he feels. and when he and i talked last night, he even said himself that their relationship was like an addiction, which is why i sent him that article.. in hopes of making him realize something.<p>>Your husband is in what we call 'the fog'...he
>has no clue what he's doing and what the
>consequences are. There's really not much you
>can do to snap him out of it. <p>he says he does know, though. he knows in the divorce he will get nothing.. he knows there's no chance he would ever get custody. he says he knows he's losing everything. does he just not really realize the gravity of what he is doing? he's not a bad father; he's not even a bad person, which is why i can't believe that he is carrying on so long with this. i can't believe that he is willing to give up our daughter just for the chance of being with this woman.<p>>Do Read about Plan A/Plan B...they will help
>you. He's chasing 'over the rainbow'. He thinks
>life with her is going to be sooo different.
>Yeah, It will okay, but I don't think he's gonna
>like it. They 'bonded' over an extreme situation-
>being in the trenches together-but I don't think
>that bond can survive, truthfully. It's just
>like high school friends--it just fades away
>with time.<p>he seems to think the she is the one he is meant to be with. he says she is exactly what he wants in every way. i understand how everything happened, being so alone and lonely over there. i don't blame him for it. i just wish he was able to let it go, now that he is home with is.. but for some reason, he's not.<p>>I wonder what the deal is on her side? What
>about her h and kids? This is too stupid of them
>both...leaving families...they really
>are 'fogged up'. <p>i don't really know why she wants to leave him. my husband just said that her husband is a jerk. he didn't elaborate. suppsedly she is coming here this weekend to find an apartment, just to get away from him. and supposedly her kids want to leave, as well. my husband said soon after they met him, they started asking her when they were going to NC.<p>>Again, please read everything here and keep
>posting...we will try to help you---you have our >love and support.<p>thanks..<p>>BTW!!! Are you havinga boy or girl?<p>i'm having a boy, and i think his name will be Jaden Xavier. i had about 5 or 6 names picked out, but my husband didn't like any of them. i was trying to wait and get him involved in picking the name, but he didn't ever seem interested. i think i got tired of waiting.<p>my biggest problem is what do i do now? i still do want to stay and be there for him and work things out. but doing that is killing me.. i can't stand sleeping in the same bed, right next to him, and knowing i can't have him. or watching in talk to her on the phone every day. it was just so hard to seperate myself from what i needed to do, and from how i felt about that. i would do great for a couple days, then i would find something he was sending her, a card or something, and it would tear me apart, and we would get into it and it would just ruin everything..<p>my mom is coming here in a few days, then my dad is coming at the end of june, and then my kids and i are going back to their house in MO. i really don't want to leave him. i really really don't. but i don't see what options i have left. <p>
- allison

realize something.<p>>Your husband is in what we call 'the fog'...he
>has no clue what he's doing and what the
>consequences are. There's really not much you
>can do to snap him out of it. <p>he says he does know, though. he knows in the divorce he will get nothing.. he knows there's no chance he would ever get custody. he says he knows he's losing everything. does he just not really realize the gravity of what he is doing? he's not a bad father; he's not even a bad person, which is why i can't believe that he is carrying on so long with this. i can't believe that he is willing to give up our daughter just for the chance of being with this woman.
---And that would be symptomatic of the fog, wouldn't it? He is addicted to something he *knows* is going to lead to nothing but heartache and loss. No sane person would accept that fate willingly.<p>
he seems to think the she is the one he is meant to be with. he says she is exactly what he wants in every way. i understand how everything happened, being so alone and lonely over there. i don't blame him for it. i just wish he was able to let it go, now that he is home with is.. but for some reason, he's not.
---yeah, well, I kind thought I might could make a go of it with the OM, too. When I 'sobered' up, though, I came to realize that that would mean hurting my h. An affair is built on a foundation of quicksand...it can't possibly be strong enough to hold up to the test of life/time.<p>i don't really know why she wants to leave him. my husband just said that her husband is a jerk. he didn't elaborate. suppsedly she is coming here this weekend to find an apartment, just to get away from him. and supposedly her kids want to leave, as well. my husband said soon after they met him, they started asking her when they were going to NC.---yeah, well, what would they say? That her h is a great guy but she has fallen for someone else? Just to get away from him might just mean that she is leaving just to be with your h.<p>>>BTW!!! Are you havinga boy or girl?<p>i'm having a boy, and i think his name will be Jaden Xavier. i had about 5 or 6 names picked out, but my husband didn't like any of them. i was trying to wait and get him involved in picking the name, but he didn't ever seem interested. i think i got tired of waiting.---Congratulations. I have two sons and I wouldn't trade them for the world....the 13 yr old daughter--well, that's another story. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>my biggest problem is what do i do now? i still do want to stay and be there for him and work things out. but doing that is killing me.. i can't stand sleeping in the same bed, right next to him, and knowing i can't have him. or watching in talk to her on the phone every day. it was just so hard to seperate myself from what i needed to do, and from how i felt about that. i would do great for a couple days, then i would find something he was sending her, a card or something, and it would tear me apart, and we would get into it and it would just ruin everything..
---Why do you have to *do* anything? That is your home and he is being so disrespectful to be talking to her in front of you...to leave things they are sending back and forth where you can find them. I think it's shameful, to tell the truth. What you do now is try to concentrate on resting until the baby comes. You can't force your h to do or be anything but what he wants. He will do it regardless. But I think you will see a change in him after he has the 'freedom' he wants for a while. I bet he is less 'in love' than he thinks.<p>my mom is coming here in a few days, then my dad is coming at the end of june, and then my kids and i are going back to their house in MO. i really don't want to leave him. i really really don't. but i don't see what options i have left.
---Maybe it's time for a Plan A/Plan B combo...go back with your parents but be as sweet as sugar whenever you deal with wh. Be kind and understanding and don't Lovebust. I think it would be good if you read some of Jenni70's posts here. She's a great example of Plan A that worked out well in the end.<p>Good luck. And be sure to post as soon as baby boy gets here!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> And that would be symptomatic of the fog, wouldn't it? He is addicted to something he *knows* is going to lead to nothing but heartache and loss. No sane person would accept that fate willingly. <hr></blockquote><p>i want to believe that. and i do, somewhat, because i know how much he loves our daughter and i can't believe that he would willingly just throw her away like that.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>yeah, well, I kind thought I might could make a go of it with the OM, too. When I 'sobered' up, though, I came to realize that that would mean hurting my h. An affair is built on a foundation of quicksand...it can't possibly be strong enough to hold up to the test of life/time. <hr></blockquote><p>he knows he is hurting me, but it doesn't seem to matter enough to stop what he is doing. he says he knows it's wrong. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Why do you have to *do* anything? That is your home and he is being so disrespectful to be talking to her in front of you...to leave things they are sending back and forth where you can find them. I think it's shameful, to tell the truth. What you do now is try to concentrate on resting until the baby comes. You can't force your h to do or be anything but what he wants. He will do it regardless. But I think you will see a change in him after he has the 'freedom' he wants for a while. I bet he is less 'in love' than he thinks. <hr></blockquote><p>i don't have to do anything, i want to. i wanted to prove to him that i have changed and that we can work things out. and i know i can't force him to do anything. i wish i could.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Maybe it's time for a Plan A/Plan B combo...go back with your parents but be as sweet as sugar whenever you deal with wh. Be kind and understanding and don't Lovebust. <hr></blockquote><p>that's what i am planning to do. i will go through with the seperation because i have to. but i won't even mention divorce again. i want himt o fully realize that i do not want a divorce, and that i want to get back together. i am not sure how to do that just yet, though.<p>things are so weird, right now. we talk and act like nothing is happening, like everything is normal. it's nice, but upsetting at the same time. because i really wish everything was normal. i miss it so much. i miss him so much..<p>
- allison

Allison,<p>I think your plan is a good one. When my h left me to pursue another woman, he asked me to file for divorce. I refused. I told him I didn't want a divorce and I wasn't going to help him do something that hurt me so much. <p>After three weeks of negotiations and talking, we got back together and while it hasn't been all sunshine and lollipops, we are still together and trying to make each other happy. <p>Hang in there, sweetie.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think your plan is a good one. When my h left me to pursue another woman, he asked me to file for divorce. I refused. I told him I didn't want a divorce and I wasn't going to help him do something that hurt me so much. <hr></blockquote><p>thanks. we kinda talked today, about this. he had asked me if i was glad to be getting out of this place (meaning the city we live in; it's a dump) and i said no, that i didn't want to move. then he said something about it maybe being for the best, and that i might find someone better during this seperation. he said to think of it as a vacation. that confused me, cause it made me think he was feeling this wasn't permanent. and since he'd already told me he wanted a divorce, i didn't understand what he was saying. so i asked him if we could talk about this for a second. so we went in the kitchen and i told him i still wanted to try the Controlled Seperation we had talked about a few months ago. he said "ok, but it will be hard since I will be living 2 states away". i said "but you will have to come see the kids anyway", and he said "ok, so i will see you then". we talked a bit more, then i hugged him and told him i loved him, and he said he loved me.. basically he just wants us to remain friends no matter what happens with our relationship. i had told him that if we did end up getting divorced, i wanted nothing to do with him other than what is required in dealing with the kids, and i think that hurt him.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> After three weeks of negotiations and talking, we got back together and while it hasn't been all sunshine and lollipops, we are still together and trying to make each other happy. <hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] i'm glad to hear that. i hope he and i get there some day.<p>
- allison