Hello everyone, I've posted here before and well I don't know if I'm doing better or worse. My X and I have been talking and he still can't decide what he wants to do, he's angry at me because I was the one that left and I put him through alot of pain, I was so angry for all the things that went sour in our mariage. I'm so sorry now and I wish I could turn back time and undo all the pain I caused him when we seperated, I said alot of things I shouldn't have said. I pursued the divorce too quickly and this was all out of hurt and anger. I'm asking him now to give us another chance, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our lives together. We been together for 10 years, married for 7. I love him very much and I know I went about it the wrong way when it came to our problems, the seperation, the divorce. Now he does not trust me, he said I bailed on him, I broke the promises we made to each other, the only thing that attracts him to considering returning to me is that I haven't been with another man (intimate that is), and I want to live a christian life. I think he still loves me, he's just so angry. I don't know what to do, he still seeing OW doesn't know how to tell her whats going on cause he doesn't want to hurt her, I don't know if he loves her, he now says he doesn't know who he loves, he said that maybe I'm just jealous cause he found somebody, thats not true cause I don't think I'm that evil. To complicate things even more the kids know whats going on, they want me back and I don't know if this is good or bad cause my X hasn't made a decision. I guess I am reaping what I have sown. I'm aware that if we get back together again it won't be easy, we have to resolve our issues and rekindle what was lost, I have faith that we could do it, if we both put forth our part and god in our lives. I'm a mess, I would do anything to take away the pain I caused him, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want him to hurt, I just want him to be happy. What would you do if you were in my shoes?<p>Here is my previous posting:<p>My ex and I have been divorced for three months. We've been together for ten years, we have a six year old daughter together and two other children from his first marriage. We divorced because our relationship turned into a living hell, I left and I was the one who seeked the divorce.
That was my biggest mistake, I thought we needed time apart and divorce was the solution. Now three months after our divorced, I realize I'm still in love with him and I want to give it another try but he has moved on, he found someone else and he has made plans to move in with this person. <p>As of today everything has gotten more complicated because now he says he's in love with the both of us and he can't decide who he wants to be with. I can't understand how he moved on so quickly, I believe him when he tells me he still loves me, we are both afraid of what will happen if we get back together again. I don't know what to do, should I just let go. Does any of this make sense?

FT,<p>The main ingredient here is Time and Patience. You will need both of these to let things heal. The anger you are seeing is very likely due to the pain your H feels. I am sure that there is plenty of blame to share in this situation so I would recommend that you do some reading here if you have not. Specifically, I would recommend reading His Needs Her Needs by Harley.<p>Keep talking with your H, see him when you can, and let time work its magic. Gradually, if you sort of Plan A him, I suspect you will see him come around. It doesn't sound like his love for you is completely gone. However, you need to take this time to really assess your role in the marriage and how you would do things differently now.<p>It is not just a question of doing things HIS way. It is a question of how you address the way you do things, present things to him, listen to him, and how you two debate issues you don't agree on. Style is very important here and you need to learn to convey messages to him in a style that doesn't raise his defenses.<p>Of course optimally and hopefully in the future he will learn the same things. But, for now consider a Plan A type approach and give it lots of time.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: He moved on so fast because he found someone that would at least respect him, and act as if they liked to be around him. You can bet that his self-esteem is at an all time low. So this is sort of like an affair. A spouse is very much in need of support and someone does that. It is easy to do as the number of posters at this site can easily prove. <p>So, that is probably his quandry. On one hand he has a woman that likes him, respects him, and doesn't LB. On the other hand there is a woman that he was with for 10 years, married to for 7 years, but who has pretty much torn him up. There is a strong pull both ways, but he is not certain that either relationship is really real. He hasn't known her long enough, and he doesn't trust that you are really sincere. TIME is the answer.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

Thank you JL, I appreciate your reply. I'm praying for the best outcome for both, my X and I. I love my him very much and I just don't want him to hurt again. I feel very down right now because I know this is not easy for him either, I have scarred his heart and I really hate myself for it, so much anger I had when we seperated and I ended up hurting him more than he has ever hurt me. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

FT,<p>Why did you have so much anger? If you were to be that angry again how would you handle things, this time? These are important questions for you to know the answer to. They may help you see how to reconnect with him. Have patience FT, if your H is as scarred as you say, then this relationship will probably not work out either. <p>That is why you need to be a good friend to him and let him see that you have learned from the events of the past. At the same time you also need to evaluate why yourself. I don't mean get down on yourself, but critically evaluate yourself so that you are confident in yourself.<p>This is not a time to be down. You have future ahead of you, and it may include your exH. Look forward to the events that will come, you will be able to handle the bad and good much better.<p>Hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL