I just had lunch with my MIL at a place which her son is a manager. My W and I would do this together sometimes as her mother has had to give up driving since her TIA on Christmas. Today I was over visiting when she asked if I would mind taking her. I have not done so for a few months, she thinks her kids should do it. I enjoy her company and stories so, I lept at the chance. <P>One thing I have witnessed throughout this seperation is how much pain SHE has inadvertantly expressed to me. Her daughter has hurt her but, the family members admit it themselves, this family has not normally been a very communicative bunch. <P>I do not really want to make them start now, but how should this be handled? If the mother keeps in her feelings, will the daughter assume that mom is accepting of her actions? One BIL already is not talking to his sister, possibly because he feels he is now the sole caretaker. <P>I was thinking today of asking her to write my W letter. I thought it would make it easier for her to express pain than in a conversation. I REALLY am about to tell my W what I see when I am with her mother. I wonder if this is a favorable idea? I can do it with few words and without strong emotions, as I know my wife is aware of the relationship I have with her mother. As an attempt for a deposit in my brides LB, I told her so in a letter. <P>If y'all feel it is a bad idea, I will back down. I think that no matter which way our marriage turns out, mom should express herself. Or not.<BR>

Don't get the in-laws involved.<P>Your wife might feel like everyone is ganging up on her and run away from everybody.<P>You don't want to be seen as a third parent. Or worse as a little boy running to the teacher to make her fix it?<P>You and your wife are adults. If you do fix things with the parents help, you will not be seen as adults in their eyes any more.

Once again I learn the hard way the ways of the computer.<P>Thank you for your reply.<P>After lunch with the MIL I came to ask that question. Since then, though, I reconsidered but for a different reason. I did not really think the BILs would respond. Also, and I may be wrong in this assumption, I felt that the longer she feels isolated from the family, the faster she may come to terms with her guilt.<P>Tonight, after work, I had a meeting with the OM's brother. Knowing my W as I have over 17 years I cannot believe this is more than an EA. We agreed that she is scared if not still feeling guilt. Be that as it may, I needed to know things from him that I could not get from my spouse. It was very helpful. What he told me gave me enough that I can approach her more confidently. However, as with many of our aquaintances and family members, he was in the dark about other things I knew. (It is his business reputation on the line). <P> I still may make a stupid mistake, but faith being what it is I may not give a clean break yet. Not sure what that means, just hope the wife still has her Christian principles.<P>Give me your best shot, I am ready for it. At least give prayers.<P>RRunRR<BR>

You have my prayers.<P>If it was "just" and EA, why would his carreer be on the line. <P>Your W sounds like a very kind lady who needed a friend but man filled that spot instead of a woman.<P>Do you have any female relatives or wives of friends that are approximately the same age<BR>or a couple of years older than she is that she would feel comfortable around? Maybe it would be easier for her to loosen the emotional ties to the OM if she had new ties with women friends to take his place and that transition would make it easier for her to come back to you?<P>Don't expect her to bare her soul to them. Just expect her to spend time with them. Kind of like signing a kid up with the scouts to keep him busy so he doesn't get wrapped up with the wrong crowd. They don't replace you; they are to occupy her time so that her heart is free to come to you.<P>Good luck.

Guilty1, <BR>Unfortunately I think it was these new friends who may have "encouraged" her to make this move. None of the aquaintances I have talked with over the months are aware of, or heard of, them. <P>Getting back the the original intent of the contact. I mistated the real intent. I wanted the family, both her's and mine, to keep up light contact with greetings and recognitions that she is, and has, family. Not to get involved with what our , more of her's, unresolved issue with each other. <P>The OM's brother helped me in knowing why she says what she has, but the company name is on the line, not his own business. Too difficult and unimportant to get into here.<P>Thanks for the prayers. I am not certain I can do this much more.<P>RRunRR<BR>

I'm sorry about those "friends" of hers doing that to your family. You obviously love this lady, so I hope you don't give up on her. She's probably just confused right now and will come back to you.<P>You've talked to the OM's brother, but have you confronted the OM directly. Try to scare him out of the picture? Say something to him like, "She's still my W and I don't want you going anywhere near her. If I catch you contacting her in any way, I will do whatever it takes to destroy your life and derail your career. Stay the **** away!"<P>As for your W, maybe you could send her small gifts. My H would send me comic strips and bring me toys, Happy Meal toys to be exact, when we were separated. I still have them. I've saved all the letters he wrote to me at that time. Some were serious, some were day to day stuff. My H really loved me eventhough I hated him at the time. I was pretty messed up, but my H stayed with me until I got my head on straight and chose to come home.<P>Stay with you W. She'll come back. You just need to persevere.<P>Stay hopeful.<BR>

Guilty1,<BR>That is the story I need to hear or read. Since they are involved with this business, but not tied to it financially, it may be the thing to blow the fog away. <P>Maybe it is a character flaw but I do not have a problem with the brother. The information the brother gave me helped me relax. I am too cowardice to be anything but civil. On the other hand, I, by meeting with the brother, will try the back door approach first. I do not know if confronting the OM will help. It may make her more defensive. The brother came to the came conclusion I had, she seems to be scared, or maybe still feel guilt, but at least he, too, has more information. ( I respect the risk he is taking financially.) <P>I would like to know more of what helped you. I do the letter thing, day to day and serious topics, what her mother and I did, that I talked to a mutual friend..., those things. I do not let her think I am being secretive, or to embarassed to talk to them. <P>I am not the one who left, though I know couples who have gotten back together. Their stories keep me looking for hope.<P>Thanks again.<BR>RRunRR<BR>

In my situation I was the one who had the A and left. It was really ugly and involved the police, hospitalization, and a lot of other stuff that doesn't apply to your situation. It was not pretty.<P>But my H didn't care. To him, "'til death us do part" wasn't just something people say. He loved me unconditionally. <P>You love your wife too. My H would visit me in a neutral area, like the hospital and later a park, to talk and play gin or chess.<BR>He'd tell me jokes. He'd ask where I was staying and I didn't like that (I was in a halfway house). He wanted to know if I needed money. Mixed feelings about that.<BR>He always asked me to come home. The OM wasn't an issue because my H had threatened him. <P>These all made me feel safe to come back. He'd tell me how he got mad at people who put me down and that he was going to councelling and that he wanted me to go too.<P>This whole thing took time. This was a few years ago when we were separated in February and I didn't move back in until that August. So don't give up hope on your wife. Separation is fustrating. Just give her time, and wait.<P>That's my story, hope it helps.

<P><BR>Yes, it certainly does.<P><BR>rrunrr<BR>