I've posted a few times in the past, but for those who don't recall me....here's my story in a nutshell: I was the WW who carried on a long distance affair on & off for several years. My spouse wound up retaliating by engaging in an affair himself and eventually demanded I file for divorce, insisting we'd be happier apart. By this time the 'fog' had lifted and I begged him to attend counseling with me. I knew deep down I still loved him. He wouldn't consider reconciling; he was so infatuated with this OW at the time, all he wanted was out. He stated he could 'never trust me again" and, like the song goes, 'Lost that lovin' feeling'" for me. <p>The divorce has been final for over a year. We'd been married 16 yrs. I am still with the OM, who incidentally has been wonderfully supportive and loving. My ex was dumped by his OW but has been involved in a serious relationship (living together)with another woman for several months. <p>I'm trying hard to move on, forgive my obvious past mistakes, look ahead and be grateful for the love I have in my life now....yet, I still have feelings for my ex. I'm not sure why I should have any feelings of warmth left given his behavior of the past 2 years. Despite assurances from him that we'd "part as friends and remain amicable parents", he's been nothing but immature and filled with hostility towards me since the split. My guess is that the financial consequences of the divorce have sunken in and he deeply resents paying me child support/alimony, the latter of which is very time limited. Every month he hands me the check with such wrath in his eyes, I want to scream...."Well this is what you wanted!!!!" I still believe we could have worked things out if he'd dealt with his anger rather than burying his emotions in another woman before the marriage was over.<p>Anyway, despite the fact I have a great man in my life and I'm seeing the faults in my ex magnified to an all time high.... I still, in my heart 'see him' as ' MY husband.' My day is just about ruined when I see him and his gf drive away with our child. I came across a note the other day she wrote him, and the words "hi honey" and "I love you" was like a kick in the gut. To see the fondness he bestows upon her and the vitriol he direct at me, truly eats away at me; (which I suspects he enjoys)<p>I want and need to get past this! Sharing child raising duties for the next 7 years prohibits me from complete avoidance. I don't want to dread attending my child's wedding because I'll have to witness the two of them dancing together.
When will this hurt end? Then I feel guilt harboring jealousy towards his gf because it is hurtful to my boyfriend as well.<p>Should I have completely let go of these feelings since I'm currently involved in a good relationship with someone else...or is it natural to have these lingering feelings even after splitting 2 yrs ago. Or....am I just a selfish, territorial person who will never be 100% content because I didn't get my cake and 'eat it too...". God I hope not.<p>I want to put the past behind me and despite my ex'es less than kind behavior, be 'happy' for him. <p>Can anyone out there relate and offer advice on kicking this self deafeating unhealthy jealousy thing? I wonder sometime if residual guilt from inititating the adultery in the marriage is causing me to view him as the 'good catch' coveted one that "I lost" rather than the less than perfect partner he really was. And why do I secretly pine for someone who obviously had little trouble letting me out of his heart as soon as another came along?

Sorry this has been long and rambling....any advice is appreciated.

The big question here would be is " How did this current relationship start with OM? Are you in this relationship because of "Ouch!!..Adultery??..<p>Its normal to feel the OP is still your husband if the Marriage was ended out of betrayl. I'm not saying divorce can't happen and people move on, but when one partner left out of deceit its only a matter of time before you have to deal with whats really in your heart, as call it here coming out of the fog.<p>AS far as your Husband, I understand his pain of betrayl, its a dreadful feeling and like many of us here you want to escape the person who is hurting you and you're in limbo and want out. You say your husband is now in a relationship but if he divorced without ever working on himself and buried himself in G/F it won't be long before he will arise to the same point you're at where he is going to have to deal with whats in his heart...<p>Their are stories here on this site where couples have considered reconciliation after divorce, depending how a relationship starts determine its survival in a lot of cases. Its normal to feel jealous, especally if you feel thats still your spouse, therefore the LAW of DV does not end LOVE, because the LAW never caused you to Fall in Love, so a Judge can scream its over all they want, its still up to the couples to fall out of Love or back in Love, a court can't control the hearts of people..

WHN,<p>I read your post and several thoughts come to my mind. One is that you have never really accepted the damage you did to your H when you had your affair and how it affects him that you are still with the OM.<p>It is unlikely that you will ever really resolve these issue until you are "radically honest" with yourself. I suspect you KNOW that the marriage would have continued and perhaps even been a good one had you not had the affair. It is the reality that it could have been better, if better choices had been made. I would guess you still know it could. Hence the jealousy.<p>But, most of your post is about how HE forced you to divorce him. He couldn't force you to divorce him, unless you wanted to do it. You did want the divorce but you don't want to admit it. You claim the fog had lifted and counseling would of helped, but who are you with now??? <p>Dear lady, it is clear your H is deeply hurt and should be. It is clear his pain is being shown to you as anger. It is clear he does resent paying you alimony when you broke up the family and frankly I would as well. <p>I believe you need to stop and look at things from his side of things for awhile. It is clear neither of you are Saints, but who is??<p>So my recommendation is "radical honesty" with yourself. When you can truely see what you have done to him, apology deeply and move on. No one really wants a friends that lies and cheats on them. So don't expect to be "friends" or "friendly" but with some introspection I suspect you and he could be "civil". Try for that goal, but first see if you can diffuse the anger with a bit of honesty.<p>I think then you will begin to lose the jealousy. You will realize that in this case the pain is/was too great for him to overcome and the result is what you have. You living with OM. Your H with a GF. And your family shattered.<p>It is a sad but all to familiar situation. So look back on this post as someone that did know you and see what we see reading it. It think you will understand a bit of why he is still angry.<p>Normally, I would post that there is a chance for you two to reconcile but whatever chance there was is zero with OM in the picture. There is no way he could trust you enough to make a move toward you him in the picture still.<p>Hope something I have said helps. Do some reading here, do some thinking about what you have written , and then take a "radically honest" assessment of the situations: past, present, and future.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

"I was the WW who carried on a long distance affair on & off for several years. My spouse wound up retaliating by engaging in an affair himself and eventually demanded I file for divorce, insisting we'd be happier apart. "<p>Your choice of words is intriguing. Recognize that your long term affair hurt your husband. He felt unloved by you. He got tired of waiting for you to come around. He didn't retaliate he became lonely and sought out someone who would love him. Your actions scarred your husband for the rest of his life. The fact that you stayed with the OM confirms to your husband that he was correct in not reconciling with you. If you had not been with the OM when he broke up with the OW you might have had a chance to work on being friends and progressing to a more intimate relationship. The sad part is that your children have been also scarred by this whole mess that you created in the kind of relationships that they will have in the future. What else did you expect would happen after having an affair for several years.