Just recieved good and bad news from my lawyer: The "no contact" order has been extended for a year, which is good. But, my stbx has asked for full custody and that I pay child support! He says I'm "mentally and physically unstable". This is a man who has never put his children in bed, never cared for them when they are sick, and yells at them. They asked me to move "far from daddy so he can't find us cuz he's so mean". I have been home with them all their lives (they are 6, 8, 10) and haven't worked for the last 7 years. <p>Does he have a chance? What do I need to do? There is no way this man should have custody of the kids, it would devestate them.

This is good and bad annavon.<p>Find out if you have a local advocacy group for children and if they will help you. What will be needed is a custody evaluation. This is where a psychologist determines who is the most stable parent and who the children depend on most.<p>This is most likely just another control tactic that your husband is pulling. He is angry. <p>A custody battle can be costly - $20,000 or more. 90% of all cases are settled before a trial just for this reason. <p>He is using a very powerful threat - the thing that is nearest and dearest to you - the thought of losing your kids to that horrible man.<p>Find out what you can about free aid - call the local domestic violence hotline. Chances are that you may be able to have the judge talk to the children and they can tell him what they think about daddy. For now, just document and journal any incidences of abuse to bring with you.

Many men state that they'll seek custody, but few follow through. Some use it as a control tactic, others to avoid child support. My H asked for custody, CS and alimony. I'm still planning on him getting only the Wed & every other weekend scenario which I hear is popular.
Let your lawyer handle things.
Go to your local women's crisis center for legal aid and counseling (usually free) for you and the kids.

He has to prove whatever he alleges.<p>Be prepared to provide proof that you were the one who provided the primary care for the children.<p>My signature was on their immunization records. My signature was on their enrollment forms for school and other activities. I had many church friends and other long-time acquaintances who provided statements of their first-hand knowledge of my involvement with the kids. My psychologist and other counselors I saw provided facts about my mental state.<p>Don't worry ... show confidence in your parenting capabilities ... you have more ammo than you realize.<p>He may think he has a "loaded gun" but all he's doing is throwing bullets at you. Let them fall.

Dear Annavon,
I think your H is still trying to intimidate you through fear. There is no way you should be afraid of losing your kids who depend on YOU as their primary caregiver...<p>Don't let H use your mistakes against you to intimidate you. He's so desperate. Do not allow fear to paralyze you, please. God knows where your heart is and God will help you. <p>Maybe you could do some sort of home business? You know computers so you can search out something interesting on the Web. Try not to worry. He's just trying to intimidate you with his usual verbal abuse and threats. He's very mean. I think he KNOWS he can't take care of those kids, but he DOES know how to stick fear and guilt into you. Mean...

Thanks everyone......BTDT, I think you're right... I can't imagine why he would want custody. I used to take two weekends a year to go to quilting retreat and he hated caring for the kids for a whole weekend! He never lifted a finger to help during 12 years of marriage... he often left the kids alone if I did have him watch them, so he could do his own thing. And now he wants to cook all their meals, do all their laundry, go to their school programs, take care of them when they are sick.....while I run around carefree, being able to do whatever I want except on alternating weekends? I don't think he's thought this through! And with his criminal record and history of verbal abuse, I can't imagine they'd let him have the kids. I sure hope not.
Oh, and as to a job, I do have an established home based business doing custom embroidery. I plan to be home all summer, and may get a part time job after school starts to supplement... but I'm committed to being home when my kids are.<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: Annavon ]</p>

Hi Anna,<p>I doubt he goes ahead with it too. PB brought up some good points. I bet your signature is on everything too..<p>Also, all the times he risk the children's health. The times he rode them with no helmet. BTW, if I were you I'd put in the custody papers that at all times the children must have on a helmet when riding on his bike.<p>Also, one thing I wish I had in my papers is that if either parent move so many miles away, the one that moves must provide the majority of the transporation to and from the houses. My ex moved to a county next to Harris but because Harris County is so big, it will take me at least an hour to go get the kids...and then an hour home!<p>Didn't he leave the kids home alone also? All these things can and should be mentioned. Oh, and look at all the people that support you....I just see no chance for him getting custody.<p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA

My H has demanded 50% visitation during separation and still expected me to buy all their clothes and do all their laundry. I've set him straight on what 50% means, but he sent my D in a sleeveless summer dress this am when the temp is 52 degrees. Responsible?

Annavon,<p>To let you know..My ex did the EXACT SAME THING!!!<p>It is a scare tactic and control issue..and don't let the fact that you haven't worked outside the home for years scare you..(BTDT too) <p>My ex worked out of town..and when it came down to the seperation, and after he talked to his lawyer (who adviced him to fight for custody, hoping I'd just take him back and keep things as they were)he asked the company to bring him in town to work..so he could do the dad thing, and get custody of the kids..he would take the kids on the weekends..got son in cub scouts and would take him to his weekly meetings, but it started interfering w/ his drinking..so he quit, not drinking..but quit taking son to scouts..<p>I tried to encourage those things..his being active w/ the kids..taking them on the designated weekends..he would usually only want to take son..but I started insisting he take ALL THREE of them..(at the time this started they were (5, 8, and 12)so they were about the same ages as your kids are..<p>he would complain they would leave a mess..and how much work they were to care for..how much they ate, how much laundry HE had to do after they left..all the dirty dishes they left in the sink that HE had to wash..everything..he would call and just complain away..I would be like.."ummm hmm, okay, I need to go" and he'd start up again..at one point..I just started laughing at him..it was uncontrollable laughter..I couldn't stop..he got mad..and started cussing me..because "I" wasn't being understanding..and I just said "Your NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW!!!" he finally said, "I need to go" and hung up the phone..<p>We've been apart since Sept 2000..and he's called many times complaining about how much work they are, but he continued to fight for custody..and would ask me why I don't just let things stay as they were..why did things have to change?? And he'd b**** about how much HE was paying in legal fee's..and how unfair "I" was being..<p>I hadn't worked outside the home in 8/9 years didn't even have a part-time job when all this started..I was going to school..I had to quit school and go back to work..I was given temporary custody to begin with..the courts didn't want to uproot the kids from their home, their school, their friends..the only stability they had..and if he got temporary custody they would have to move schools, or get up VERY early for HIM to take them (the house was in my name only, so he couldn't touch it)when we went for mediation..I was working part-time..making minimum wage..and going to school full-time..was home when the kids got home from school..(the courts liked this) I was doing what I needed to do..working, going to school to improve my employability skills, and still there for the kids..I was trying to do what was best for my kids..and encouraging the kids to have a relationship with their father..<p>the courts look at that..if one parent tries to stop the kids from spending time w/ the other parent..(even if the parent is abusive to you and not the kids)it shows them you realize they are still the other parent..and your kids need to have a relationship w/ them..(one they have to build and you have no control over)they also look at any court records of abuse towards the kids, where custody is involved..<p>If your not in contact w/ a local DV shelter, I'd recommend it again..they have counseling not just for you..but also for kids..and because your income is low..they can give you a referal to legal aid..and you won't have any legal fees at all..so your income can go to support your kids..
and because there is a no-contact order in place already..this goes in your favor for custody..<p>You can also get it put into the divorce papers that if he gets state guideline visitation that you meet at a neutral place for when he gets the kids, you can also ask that a neutral party take and pick up the kids to protect yourself from further abuse..a friend of mine had her divorce papers changed so that they stated they would meet at the local police station and an officer be present..to insure her safety..and that he be required to stay for at least 5 minutes after she left so that he couldn't follow her and harrass her..because before she had that implimented thats what he would do..scareing not only her..but also the children..so they can work with you to protect your safety..if you know you can request these things [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Trust God during this time..search the scriptures about what He says about fear..there are verses about it..because thats all this is..a game to make you afraid..and for you to stay in his control..but the thing is..He has NO control over you..YOU have control over you..and God has control over what you give Him..all he can do at this point is make threats..to try and scare you
and control you through this fear..But God can have control over the situation..if you give it to Him..

I also wanted to add..my ex also made financial threats about taking money away from the home..<p>I just told him "do what you think you need to do"
which made him even more angry..because that was part of his control..financial..<p>I had been totally dependendant on him financially for years..and when I said.."I don't care about the money" it took away his control..<p>I put my trust in God..to provide..it's not been easy..and I still struggle in this area..but I know He's always provided before..but I still have doubts sometimes..and stress out over it..but then when He does provide I wonder why I ever doubted..

Annavon,
"Be anxious for nothing" is one of my favorite scriptures these days. I agree with the other comments that your H is using fear tactics to try and control you from a distance. What realistic chance would he have to gain custody of the kids? If it weren't so "now" and frightening for you, it would be laughable. <p>I too have a home business. It was never quite enough to cover all the needs when I was with H. I was also working two part-time jobs in addition. After H moved out, the most lucrative part of my business suddenly became very active. I believe you'll find the same thing happening to you. Things always work out. Four months of separation and an opportunity to heal from his constant critisicm, things are better and keep getting better. It was actually a blessing when one of my part-time jobs laid me off! And all the things my H said I couldn't do? Well, I *can* do them! I really and truly LOVE mowing the lawn! It's my main source of exercise. Love that feeling when that seratonin or whatever it is gets pumping through my veins. Best of all, H's voice in my head gets fainter and fainter. He said I'd never be able to mow that lawn, let alone get the mower started. I didn't fully realize how damaging his treatment was, and the road to recovery is long. I am so proud of you for starting your own journey to recovery Annavon. You're doing all the right things. <p>You've cleared your slate to make room for all kinds of good things to visit your new home. Good things will come... and stay. Your H is just blowing steam. His world is crumbling. Isn't it sad that he's choosing to find your most vulnerable spot and jabbing it with a stick? He has the option of coming to his senses, the option of becoming a reasonable, rational man! Ah well, maybe your pastor will have better success with him than you.

I received a very stern letter from my lawyer today advising me to IMMEDIATELY DISCONTINUE the affair I'm having. Of course, I'm not having one. My H is using the evidence he has of my one time giant mistake and blowing it up to say that I am mentally unstable, planning to move to be with the guy, exposing the children to him, etc. Of course, none of that is true and I have not had contact with the man since the beginning of May, and don't plan to. I wrote my lawyer a letter and explained the whole thing; how my H had refused sex with me for 7 years, I found a mostly used prescription for Viagara, and in emotional desperation and vulnerability, I did spend an afternoon with a man who found me attractive after years of my H saying I wasn't. <p>I also told her of how my H visits a young woman in town frequently, has a criminal record including domestic and sexual abuse, and a felony conviction, how he's had 20 jobs in 12 years, and threatened to blackmail me if I left him.<p>This whole thing is so messy, and I'm so sad that I ever did what I did. But I couldn't stay with him because he threatened to tell if I left him, could I?

It's going to be okay. I remember you saying that your H was inattentive to you for years, but put on a good front for the world, AS IF he was attentive to you...<p>When you first came to MB, you were really trying to save your marriage. I remember!<p>And, if I remember correctly the EN gang were on your side and thought you should try to get away from this abusive man... He just seemed scary how he would use scripture and sort of twist them for his benefit and if a church leader tried to correct him, he would leave the church, just that sort of unteachable way about him that scared me, for one thing... You know? He was going to be right and if he came close to being proved wrong, he would just pick up and change churches. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In any case, you made a mistake, so now, instead of LOVING YOU AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH (redemptively), your H is trying to use this mistake to tear you down... I think that is an interesting point to note about his level of Christianity... NO, it does not make what you did right, but still, what he is doing is wrong too. Further, I see a man who is losing his grip on his wife and is desperate and trying to point out your faults before his come to the light.<p>Well, like I said, God knows your heart and that your heart is truly with your kids. I believe it will work out. Try not to worry too much. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
<strong>In any case, you made a mistake, so now, instead of LOVING YOU AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH (redemptively), your H is trying to use this mistake to tear you down... I think that is an interesting point to note about his level of Christianity... NO, it does not make what you did right, but still, what he is doing is wrong too. Further, I see a man who is losing his grip on his wife and is desperate and trying to point out your faults before his come to the light.<p>Well, like I said, God knows your heart and that your heart is truly with your kids. I believe it will work out. Try not to worry too much. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks BTDT. You know, the first thing my H said after he discovered what I did, was that he had been a neglectful (refused sex for 7 years) and abusive husband and wanted to change. I can tell you, my heart jumped for joy! I thought that at last we had a breakthrough and he could see how much I needed him to be my husband in every way. It was only a day later that he got mean and said if I ever left him, he'd show everyone what I did. That was so devestating, as I realized all he wanted was control, not a relationship. I guess that's when I gave up hope of it ever working. Thanks for the encouragement.

hmmm.... Sounds like deep in his heart, he knows and he probably wants to do the right thing, but his flesh takes over and probably his troubled past and set ways just get the best of him. Didn't you say he spent time in prison before? Or something like that? From what I understand of ex-cons, they have trouble trusting. I am in no way putting down anyone who has spent time in jail. Just saying that the ability to trust is way low, almost like the way orphans might have trouble connecting emotionally... I could be way off base, but just searching for answers here as to why he won't just be nice and try to work it out, be a better husband, do the godly thing, etc.!?!<p>Seems like he wants to be the victim or something, and make you (&/or everyone else) be the bad guys rather than change or invest in introspection... Seems like it, huh???<p>I think he has a tender heart. If he didn't you wouldn't have seen it while you were dating and take the chance of spending your lifetime with him. He just seems (from your descriptions of him) like he turns it off and meanness sets in for some reason... Like maybe when he feels threatened... real or imagined(?) And after all these years, there has been no change. You said so... Do you recognize any patterns on the emotional side? Like say, if you traced his anger, is there a hurt somewhere in the scenario that might have triggered the anger but he didn't admit the hurt??? Does that make sense? Maybe he doesn't deal with his hurts in a healthy way...<p>Well, hang in there. You'll be with your kids. I'm sure of it. He'll get over his hurt. You are probably the best thing that ever happened to him. Someone who really tried to love him and be good to him and accept him until you couldn't take it anymore. Oh well... He has to let his walls down some day, some way... Keep praying for him always. Prayer is effective! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
[QB You are probably the best thing that ever happened to him. Someone who really tried to love him and be good to him and accept him until you couldn't take it anymore. Oh well... He has to let his walls down some day, some way... Keep praying for him always. Prayer is effective! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ][/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>I think you are probably right in everything you said.....and he did often say I was the best thing that ever happened to him. But he also said things like I was fat and unattractive and no one else could love me.....after reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" I realized that what he did was all about controlling me....I'm not sure he knows how to love without controlling and I kept telling him that he was driving me away....he wouldn't listen. The odd thing is, I'm not angry or bitter towards him, I mostly feel sorry for him. He lost his family despite his efforts to hang onto us no matter what....and I don't think he understands why. I do keep praying for him, altho I can't imagine ever being with him again. Due to the no contact order I can't even speak to him......and it is the strangest thing to spend 12 years of your life with someone and then not even speak to them!!

Well,
I've been through a lot of things, but I can't say I have been where you are... I cannot imagine what you described--12 years of history suddenly cut off...<p>So I guess the really hard part is accepting that the relationship was unhealthy, in spite of the good things, the bad outweighed the good and was taking its toll on you. In a Christian parenting class we took, I learned that for every critical comment I make toward my kids, it takes 10 compliments to repair the damage. (Something like that?)<p>You're gonna make it. I know you will all grow through this experience. Be strong for the kids!

Annavon,
I know the VAR book has been trashed on this site, but it helped me understand so much about my relationship. I hope you're doing everything possible to help yourself and the kids, and that includes counseling for all of you. All those years of hearing that everything is your fault is hard to overcome. I cringe when I hear my D make similar statements to those her father made. My H is still so blocked that no progress is being made. We're going to a counselor to improve our communication, but it's awful. No progress whatsoever on his part.

I am glad you are finally away from him. I am with the others that think his wanting custody is just a control issue. Remember that deep roots are not reached by the frost. Dont let him get to you. Many others have been down your road and have succeeded. You will too. You will.
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