Well, 1 one month ago, I sent my then wife a combined payment one check for CS and loan payment, I put on the check memo, Child Support/xxxx, [ by mistake I left second part blank I put the /slash but nothing else, What a fool I am, I didn't know I left it blank] she stole the whole thing and I get a call from the loan company and they're asking where is the payment, I can't believe xw stole it. She knew we agreed to pay loan pmt and have conversing emails to prove it....I feel afflicted again...<p>I called to tell D I couldn't help her with her college expense coming up of $150 because I have $400 CS coming out of one paycheck and now this $400 loan payment, plus utilities all on the 15th and wife steals my money, Xw had already called her and told her I would be calling and told Daughter a lie, that I didn't want to help her, my D defends Xw and said "Whats wrong with the money going to the house Dad?..I tell daughter the money was for CS and the Loan, she can't understand, she's 18. Can you believe this when will this mess ever stop...The lying, the betrayl, the stealing...This is what I mean the constant afflicting....<p>Daughter got smart with me and got an attitude and said she's grown and can do what she wants now " I said fine, then get a Job and don't call and ask me for money until you send me an apology letter for your actions today and at the graduation". I said bye and hung up.<p>I guess I'm glad I have to pay the courts now instead of sending any money to xw, what a thief.

Excuse me, EC, but do I understand correctly that you sent your wife a check for ~$800, intended to be $400 for CS and $400 for loan payment? But all you put on the check was "Child Support"?<p>Seems to me like what you really did was pay for two months of Child Support. So, you don't have to send a check for CS next month. Use that money for the loan payment.

EC,
Sorry to hear about your problem. GDP had a good idea, just watch your legal requirements.<p>I have a good friend who had the same problem a number of years ago. He was required to give his x money for the kids when they reached a certain age. <p>My friend felt that his x had been stealing the money too, so he gave the money directly to the kids. His x took him to court and the court said he hadn't followed court order that the money be given to the x and he had to still come up with the money and give to her. The amount was in the thousands. <p>When he argued that he had already given to the money to the kids, the judge told him he was allowed to give any gifts he wanted to, to the kids, but he still had to follow court orders.<p>Now this was back in the 80's, so hopefully things have changed. But still, watch your a$$ legally!<p>Bob

And of course following the legal requirements is no guarantee that you won't get into trouble anyway. I know a guy who got listed as a "Deadbeat Dad" for a while even though he was making all his payments as required. Problem was, his XW claimed he wasn't making them. He eventually got things straightened up in court, but not without a lot of legal expense...<p>Heck, I get threatening letters from the Child Support Agency every once in a while myself. And I don't even have kids...<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: GnomeDePlume ]</p>

Can you request the state you live in control the flow of CS funds?<p>Our state does it & NO it is not deragotory!
Look at Gov't pages for DSHS/Office of Child support. <p>It is handled just like a direct deposit/Payment processing. It is withdrawn from your paycheck & direct deposited to her account. Then you have CYA'd.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

EC,<p>no one robbed you. . . how about giving up the over dramatization of events. . . .<p>there was poor communication on your part, and you should be taking responsibility for it. . .<p>lesson here is to pay attention to your finances, and if you can't go find a certified financial planner to help you out. . . with a finance plan. . .<p>good luck,
and lose the drama<p>wiftty

TO Wift, this is not drama as you call it, its called stealing money that don't belong to you under the banner of child support. My W knew what the financial plan was, it was all laid out, this payment was to refinance the loan [to manage my finances better as you quoted] since I was hit with extra CS by the court, the check I sent her was far above what I paid in CS, she knew what she was doing, she's the one who spoke with the finance company to restructure the loan and then gave me all the details to start the first payment to the restructure, so your comment is very immature and you don't have the facts, Its ovious you must be offended I hope you're not stealing as well.....you don't know my story and other things that have been done to me by her, I have been very violated in many area's of my life through all of this....<p>The communication was clear on my part, you don't send someone hundreds of dollars and say nothing and whats its for, thats crazy, especally when you don't have it to give in the first place,Its all documented, I had just planned a trip prior, to travel to see D at graduation so money was tight anyway.<p>I do manage my money and did do my responsibilty in paying my CS and loan, its not my fault if my WS/W tries to find a hole in something you sent, you would expect some type of trust and follow through of what was agreed to even if, [ just because you on the memo line you left out one word] ***Thats what embezzelars do, find fault in financial checks and deposits for there personal gain*** , She Left the finance company hanging, thats not right, she knew what was discussed, she's an accountant she's not stupid.

I wrote some junk and thought better of it.
sorry,<p>-AD<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]</p>

Yeah, I believe she knew what she was doing also. My mom got pretty ruthless in the midst of her 3rd divorce. She and my stepdad had been arguing a lot and avoiding each other so she took some papers to him for his signature. He signed them quickly WITHOUT READING THEM and before he knew it, he signed over their house to her!!! She tricked him. She laughed about it. Later, when I was able to get my stepdad's side of the story, he told me they discussed and agreed to sell the house.<p>But you know, I would try not to worry about it too much. What goes around comes around. I love my mom but all that conniving and stress and bitterness caught up to her and her (emotional) health has suffered.<p>I think maybe your wife did that out of fear. You probably make much more money than she does and she might be afraid of how her standard of living has dropped as a result of your divorce. Ya know? Women who do stuff like this are (GREEDY) and insecure and afraid. The only problem is behavior like this feeds that spirit.<p>Try to forgive and seek the Lord for your provision. I'm sure it will work out for you. I think it is just another ploy of the enemy to create bitterness between you that affects the children. You can see the behaviors in your daughter's disrespectful attitude. Now I could be wrong, but it MIGHT have been due to something her mom programmed into her, such as, "Your father has not paid CS..." or "Your father OWES ME..." or something similar that should NOT be discussed with the kids. My mom did that a lot--got us involved in their adult financial problems as SHE perceived them.<p>Not until I was grown could I get the other side of the story and you will absolutely have the chance to smooth things out with your daughter. Give it some time. Hang in there. I know, it's rough... Unforgiveness will literally tie you to the situation so you are much better off just letting it go. Just release it. You'll get the money back somehow. See, if you GIVE it (release it to God), then God can multiply it back to you. If you give it, then it wasn't stolen! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I guess despite what happened, its done and over nothing I can do but let it go, I just never been burnt by her before like this, this is new, its like d-day but money, Thanks for letting me vent......

Everlasting,<p>It's so hard to feel betrayed once again when even now you are not together.<p>My ex did it to me too. He tried stealing over $6,000 from me. He knew our agreement and then he sit across the table from me in mediation with a smirk on his face saying how I'm not getting a dime.<p>He didn't get by with this. My attorney added the money to the settlement and because he was in trouble for not following the court orders and cashing it in, it helped me to get the upper hand and get a better settlement. It backfired.<p>Anyway, I'm glad you learned from this. I'd say from now on make sure you write any checks straight to the company and not to her.<p>Also, can't you do what Gnome says? It looks to me like it's two months payments too. If you over pay then you can just add that to next months and next month you can take a break from paying her support.<p>Well, I know the betrayal of trust you feel. As for me, I'm divorced and I refuse to lower myself to ex's standards, I will try hard to never let him take advantage again, but if he does, I will know that this will come back some day to bite him in the butt, and will continue to try to do the right thing on my part.<p>Oh, regarding your daughter... She loves her mom and dad, and she's a part of both of you. In a child cope class I took, the Psychologist pointed out that parents should keep children out of there fights as much as possible. The child is part you and part her. If you call a parent names, it's like calling the child names too. The child will feel she a need to protect that parent and defend them. Also defending them because they love the parent. <p>Your daughter does not want to believe her mom was a lyer and a theif. That is just too much for any daughter or son to hear.<p>Also, when my ex took my money, my first instinct was to go "tell on him to the children", second thoughts was NO DON'T. We just shouldn't get the kids involved. They are not mediators in my ex and my battles, they are our children.<p>Take care and good luck. Sorry you had to go through this.<p>ANNA

Thanks A2, yes I need to check with the state on a credit, the CS is paid through payroll deduction by court order...I also need to see how things are handle when D goes of to college. She'll will be living in dorm on campus and I'll still be paying CS to xw's house, my D will have the choice to stay with me or her at break times or weekends, D will still be asking me for money outside of CS. I need to see how thats determined by the law, why would I be supporting xw's house if D is not there and I'm sending money to D on campus.

Why didn't you just write out two checks in the first place? Solves the problem and you should've written the second check directly to the finance company. WIFTY had a point here.
Take care of yourself, you can't control others, only your actions.

To newly, I really understand you and Wiftt, You must remember this is someone I've trusted 200% all my life, this is not a stranger, this was once my christian wife. You'd think because her name is also on the loan, she'd want to make the payment also, she's was getting the same late payment call that I was, go figure. I don't think I did anything irresponsible here, if anything it was my TRUST in her that was my ignorance, thats not irresponsibilty...I think I just haven't detach myself far enough to handle things in a stranger to stranger manner, but still thinking money is handle through trust like in our marriage the way we always did it,..This was only a wake up and grow up call on my part...This is an new area of Divorce I'm finding out.<p>You're right I need be more careful in my transactions, yep, I should be responsible what I send a thief. She saw a good opportunity and ran with the money, 2 checks would have stopped her.

EC,
When my x first left she paid me money towards the mortage. Anytime we had an arguement, she threatened to quit paying. <p>I basically told her that her name was on the house too, and I would forfeit the house and that would ruin her credit.<p>I always had a trump card. I could have gone and lived my mother (she lives alone in a 13 room house). I don't know what I would have done for a job and my kids wouldn't have been too happy to be living back in the 70's, but my point was I could ruin her credit too.<p>You may want to point this out to her.<p>Good luck!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> so your comment is very immature and you don't have the facts, <hr></blockquote><p>if i don't have the facts, what was your post then?<p>all my point is about is for you to stop crying for being taken advantage of when you are not clear, and mix funds. . . . or you allow someone else to pay your bills for you. . . . your happiness comes down to being very self sufficient, and forcing total independence in every way. . . any commingling, of joint whatevers, is a possibility to be taken advantage of. . .<p>and same goes with the kids. . . it is very, extremely difficult, but the times you have together is proof in the observers eyes that you are who you want to be. . . <p>Now, in MA, one does not pay CS while kids are in college. . . only for the summer when the X has them. . . you need to look into this, as states vary. i know another state only requires CS through the age of 18. . . so all is not lost, just keep going with the questions to the lawyer, and take the advice of the lawyer. . . <p>
good luck
wiftty<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Everlasting,<p>I don't see this as you crying, I see it as a justified vent. Everyone needs to vent. The thing is you see what you did wrong, you were sharing it with us and saying "Don't make the same mistake I did." You even said "you" made a mistake. You even said "you won't let it happen again." and you were just warning us...<p>Anyway, regarding your daughter, my suggestion would be that you apologize to her for getting her involved...First, you really should keep her out of it, and second, she will have so much respect for you and will later see your side a little more...try it.<p>You probably thought your daughter might go to wife and pressure her, but it's putting them in the middle when they shouldn't be.<p>Anyway, take care and please keep venting when you need to.<p>ANNA

Have you tried contacting the Child support office with a copy of the cancelled check showing she was overpaid. They might adjust the amount she is currently getting temporarily to offset the overpayment. <p>A few years ago, the first time my H left me, he refused to pay cs because his best friend told him not to until the county set it up. His friend said if he paid me now, he would have to pay it again from the time he left. (I asked the county how it works if pays me before the order is in place) In the county I worked with, if he paid me by check and wrote child support or demanded a receipt from me showing it was child support, if he overpaid me, they would have temporarily adjusted the current payments to offset the overpayment. I told that to him, he didn't beleive me, so instead he had to pay more to catch up on the arrears. (In his case it was pay me now or pay me later, he paid later). <p>Good luck

To A2, thanks for your comforting words. I do think its ok to vent to, All this was because I TRUSTED her from a pure heart, I didn't ever imagine this happening I was caught off gaurd and yes I did make a mistake " I'm not married anymore to her" and need to remove the blind trust I have in that area with her of money....Thank You for understanding.<p>Now Daughter - I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions - I felt like the rug was snatched out from under me and couldn't help D now. I told exw I would most likely have to back out of D's trip because her taking the money messed me up financially. Within 5 minutes exw had called D already and said to D, she didn't steal money, I gave it to her, my D brought up subject before I even said anything. I then tried to explain to D I had every intention on helping her but now I can't and money would have to be taken out of CS thats coming to you guys.<p>The problem is that in the past 2 years since affairs d-day, exw has removed herself as mother and became friend to daughters on there level of relating [exw thinks she's 16]..She shares things with them that she shouldn't thats between me and her, but of course D gets exw side of the story and this turns D against me.<p>Example: D talks to me according what exW said, D said " dad you gave her the money, whats wrong with the money going to the house???.....Now the Problem with this from D is: she's asking me a question as saying "Dad why come you don't want to support me??" whats wrong with sending money to the house to support me??....D is 18, you can't explain to her exw took something that was not intended to go to the home on that day, D will get it twisted up as exw told anyway, D got defensive and got an attitude.<p>When D originally asked me for the money I had a short talk with her,I said wow this is my chance, I told her, " I love you more than anything in this world" I want the very best for you and I care for you so much and want you to succeed. I said you being in my life has been a great joy and when you go off to college, its very important we stay in contact ALL the time, even if I have to get you a pager or cell phone, I want to be available for you all the time and I said you know I love you right??? She said ,yes, in her little baby voice.<p>**
Therefore A2, this is what I was trying to protect, for the first time in months I had her attention because she had a need [extra money] and had to humble herself from 2 weeks ago when she ignored me at graduation. I feel exw tried to cause more division.....exw contacted D first, I was calling to keep the door open because I felt I should call and break the disappointing news to her, I was disappointed what exw did.......She caused D to turn on me....<p>To me if exw said anything to D it should have been, D your dad won't be able to help you at this time, because I spent money that was intended for other things he sent and now this put your father in a bind, its not his fault but mine, I'll see if theres another way to work things out to make your trip......This is what should have happened on exw part...<p>However because exw denies stealing, she wants to take the long way around it all, trying to prove whats stealing...<p>**
And Surewithhope - I will check on the CS arrears and county laws...Once again thanks everyone

EC,<p>I have to weigh in here with experience, experience dealing with a similar situation as you . . .<p>fact, your X is extremely manipulative and controlling. . . <p>fact, she is trying to pit your daughter against you and your daughter is learning well . . .<p>fact, X loves to bait you, you take the bait and get you into situations where you look bad. . .<p>OK, this is the forever situation. . . while they are together, but at some point, you need to bring reality to the daughter. the reality of your life and your situation .. . .<p>so now you need to sit and ponder about what the bait looks like, and money is a big one. . . you need to set a boundary. lay a ground rule for yourself . . . about to whom and how you will talk about money. . . . and then enforce it or execute it. . . and you will have no one else to be responsible to other than yourself. <p>my suggestion:<p>1) don't talk parental money with children. . .
SAY TO DAUGHTER: "money issues between X and I are parental issues and you are not a parent. . . " and then shut up! do not say another word about money to her. . . no explanations. . . start a new topic. . . (i've had to use it to 10 yo daughter in front of X, because 10 yo d has no understanding of what a parent means, which was how my X was brought up, repeating irresponsible parental alliances. . .) i get respect, but i have had to earn it the tough way, which OK by me, you shouldn't have to gain respect that way, but then life didn't go according to our plan, so we have to adjust plans. . .<p>2) if X starts berating you about money, then hang up! or walk away and drive away ! my read is that you are in the very explanatory, peacemaking mode, and you are getting taken advantage of, and you need to start off tough, and then after your X has gained some respect for your boundaries, then you can ease back into discussions. . . (i forgot to do that with my son this morning, it is difficult, but they do learn. . . and X has learned also after the first time i hung up on her, and other times when i just walk away from her dribble. . .)<p>it appears from my limited information, that money is an issue in your family. . . and that you need structure dealing with it. . . and the structure is NOT with the daughter. . . but with you. . .<p>accountant, shmacountant, it is just a game of numbers. . . you can move them around from one pot to the other. . . pay ahead or behind. . . big deal from her. . .<p>third point is this is not a issue you need to take up with anyone, especially those two. . . in fact. . if you have email, start with that to depersonalize the issue, and to have a record, and to think through responses before you send them. . . when paying she presents you your copy of a bill, you show her the check, have her sign your copy paid before you hand her the check, hand her the check . . . you have two reciepts. . .<p>foruth and final, look into electronic banking. . . ie, set up a checking account with both your names on it, her CS account, she gets the checks only she has signature authority. . . sent to you. you can transfer the money to that account, and she can write checks all day long. . . there will be a record of transfer, and she can only take what you give her. . . no more. . <p>if you start following these business rules, you can begin to establish money respect. . . and that will get your blood pressure down about 50 points. . .<p>OK, its organization and work, but those are some steps that can make your relationship more respectful when it comes to the contentious issue of bait. . .er, money<p>good luck. . .
wiftty