Hi all, just wanted to pop in and say hi.<p>I'm moving to this part of the board as my H and I decided to divorce yesterday. It was a long time coming but it doesn't make the pain any less. <p>As of now, my H went out last night and decided not to bother coming home. I'm not sure if he is passed out somewhere on someone's couch, bed, hospital or jail. He hasn't called to let me know he is ok and I doubt he will. He is probably just waiting for me to go to work so he doesn't have to face me.<p>I don't have the time to post my whole story right now but in a nutshell we are were we are because my H cannot love me. He cannot sustain any romantic relationship without running or sabotaging it. We haven't been fighting and there hasn't been any affairs. Just the back and forth of what to do. It was killing both of us. He chose to deal with it by detaching and drinking. Mine is to read here and cry on occassion.<p>My H is making some bad choices in his life and blames it on the marriage. But he blames the problems in the marriage on himself. No outside help sought as it won't help he says. Just a deep, dark depression.<p>Well, that's all for now. I need to be off soon. Thanks for listening.

Hi, Fish. Just me again. I'm crashing in with a copy of what I wrote in Em. Needs board. There's a book you might browse at the store that I like. Its titled something like " REBUILDING . . after your relationship ends" and goes through all the steps we go through (starting with anger, denial etc). Likens it to climbing a mountain and all the other people we see in similiar or different stages of the same struggle. It is very good, easy to read & understand. <p>Also, I am reading "When your lover is a liar" [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] and you will see ALOT of similar circumstances in that! Not just lies about affairs, but drugs or alcohol, finances etc. But this book is definately just for women, it is from that approach. How we dont notice things at first & compensate with "oh, he'd never do that to ME, we love each other" etc!. I had alot of "A-HA's" when reading this one. I am still working through stages in the other book. We go back-n-forth between stages alot, but gradually, we are moving up to that mountain top!

fishlady,<p>I too am new to this part of the board.
Not feeling very chipper tonight, just wanted to say hi. <p>D.

On Friday I had dreaded the weekend thinking it was going to be nothing but emotional turmoil and more heartache. However, it turned out to be pretty nice.<p>On sat. H and I did nothing in the morning, he was so bored but couldn't decide on anything. We then agreed to go and workout for a little while. We both felt good afterwards and he went for a dip in the pool while I sat on the side. We came home and then went to dinner. We had gotten dressed up a little and H said I looked good. First time in a long while. Dinner was nice, we then stopped for some ice cream and came home. NHL playoffs were on and his fav. team was playing. I sat up until 12:30 to watch it with him, something I don't usually do as I'm not much of a sports fan. However at the end of the night he slept in the guest room.<p>On Sun. we watched a movie that had to be returned and then headed down to San Antonio for a festival and the riverwalk. We had a really nice time. We were getting along, but we were distant. No hand holding although I wanted that so much. The riverwalk was great, very romantic. It was H's first time there, my second. He had never seen anything like it and we enjoyed our time there. During dinner, we talked how it was weird that if people looked at us they would never know that we were to be on our way to a divorce in a few months. We chose not to speak about it then but we did start up a conversation in the car.<p>My H told me how he felt his depression build up and after Thursdays discussion about divorce he finally felt relieved. And since then he has been able to think clearer about everything. He has doubts about whether divorcing is the right thing to do. He finally admitted that what holds him back is a fear of intimacy. AMEN! I could have told him that a long time ago. He doesn't understand why he is that way or how to fix it.<p>Why wouldn't he just go to counseling. I truly believe that if he were to get past this block he has towards me getting too close, we could have a good marriage and life.<p>We are living like roommates. We talk and my H has even started asking me about my day again. We do things together, last night we went to a movie. How I wish I could have had his arm around me.<p>I guess he is still planning on the divorce. He asked me if my sister knew what we were planning to do. All I said was that I haven't talked to her. I didn't want to open up the still so fresh wound.<p>As for me, I'm still in limbo land. I'm still planning on going back east because I don't know what else to do. My H still has no idea what to do about work and where to live either. My ideal plan would be for him to come with me, get a job there and seek counseling before making any decisions about the marriage. I know that it won't happen though. He'll run again instead of facing his fears. It's like a huge, ugly monster that controls his life and ultimately mine.