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I feel like I've been herded into a corner. Not only like I've been a doormat, but been stomped on with cleats.<p>I absolutely can't stand his threats and unreasonable demands. I feel that doing nothing in response is not working well enough. He just escalates his intimidation attempts.<p>I think I've been too nice.<p>I am seriously considering reporting all of the things that I have so far not reported to the Friend of the Court. The things he has said and done, not done or threatened to do.<p>I have allowed extra time and been given no consideration for it, only hostility. I am thinking about enforcing the parenting time order with the Friend of the Court's supporting document that his time starts when HE gets out of work, not whenever his mother wants to pick up the kids.<p>Why haven't I put my foot down before this? Because I didn't want my son to be asked to leave his very nice charter school because of calls to the police when the out-laws come to pick up the kids when I'm trying to leave with them!! I've allowed myself to be intimidated again!!<p>So, am I venting, and should let this go, or is it time for me to say THIS IS MY BOUNDARY, YOU MAY NOT CROSS!!<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</p>
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Princess,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I think I've been too nice. <hr></blockquote><p>Boundries can be very tricky things. I know exactly how you feel. I was always the one to give in on things. I thought I was being easy going and accomodating. I came to realize that she probably didn't respect me because I didn't stand up for myself and she took advantage of that.<p>Once that precedent has been established, it's hard to reverse the trend. It will be an uphill battle to achieve some parity in the relationship, but it's important that you do. The thing that helped me is that I just decided one day that I wasn't going to worry about any of her unreasonable complaints. You just have to call his bluff one time, and he'll probably back down.<p>I saw a quote that was attrubited to Madonna. It went something like this, "The person with the power in a relationship is the one who is willing to leave." Looking back after D-day, I could see the logic in this. Even though your marriage is over, you still have a relationship with him. Now the person with the power is the one who's willing to make everyone else miserable.<p>Good luck and hang in there.
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So, i****guy, what do you think I should do about my XH? I've called him out time and time again ... he knows he's got nothing on me! He can't take me to court over Pop-Tarts, but he can stand in his driveway and threaten to and waste my time. I can laugh and/or walk away, but it doesn't phase him!
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We put specific times on our agreement. It clarifies a lot regarding responsibilities.
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Princess,<p>I don't even know what to say. I skimmed through your other threads and I can't believe how hateful and hurtful he is.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>addendum: There is an ongoing problem with S receiving gifts and candy and D receiving nothing. She is hurt and angry when this happens. I have witnesses that can assert that D has a marked behavioral change at day care after a weekend with you, and that she cries and clings to me when I drop her off on Wednesdays. This needs to be addressed immediately. She is going to suffer long-term emotional damage if she is not treated equally to S while under your care. If I continue to hear that S has been given gifts and treats and to hear from D and S both that she received nothing, I will absolutely bring this to the attention of Friend of the Court. I am disgusted that you have continued to let this happen since you had once agreed that S is given preferential treatment in your parents' household. <hr></blockquote><p>This angers me too. When my sister and I were small my dad's mom used to spend more on gifts for her than me. I don't remember all of this, but I guess it bacame pretty obvious that she continually got more than me. My dad told his mom that if she didn't spend the same amount on both of us, not to get anything. And, oh by the way, she wouldn't be seeing us again either. She saw the light and changed.<p>I'm going to have to think about this a little because right now I'm just in shock. The first thing I would suggest is to share your threads, (the relevant parts) with the Friend of the Court. At least get your side of the story on record. Your ex and MIL are obviously insane. I can't believe that crap you've had to put up with.<p>Is there any way to prove the candy and chocolate incidents at MIL's house? <p>I'm sorry, I just can't think of anything useful to tell you. I'll try to come back later.<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</p>
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Well, hmmm, I tell my kids about how non nutrious lunchables are and that they will never have them in this house. . . (but just because I state this position is not is not making a black and white statement about what i think about their mom giving them lunchables. . . <p>so if we are shopping, 10 yo d will ask for lunchables, just to see if I will agree. . . and then she smiles and says, just kidding. . . <p>OK, relax, make life a this house and that house, and that dad can do whatever he wants with you, but in this house, my house, these are my rules because I love you and there are times when we may eat lunchables, and then have a very nutrious dinner. . . OK, lunchables at lunch and no ice cream for dessert. . . . how is that?<p>i suggest countering all moves with creativity, and bring in the sense of that is his house, this is my house. . . . if he doesn't like something, he can talk to me. . . otherwise, what he does is his business, and what i do is my business. . .<p>so now you can plant the ideas of separateness and difference and tolerance. . . which is something that X apparently didn't learn. . . <p>instead of thinking, responding, imagining that every move and statement is designed to make you look bad, learn to keep perspective, and learn whose responsibility is the problem . . . practice perspective and separatenes. . . . . . .<p>good luck, wiftty
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Princess,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He can't take me to court over Pop-Tarts, but he can stand in his driveway and threaten to and waste my time. I can laugh and/or walk away, but it doesn't phase him! <hr></blockquote><p>Is there any way you can prove he's harrassing you? I realize finances are tight, but maybe there is some legal recourse here. Beyond ignoring him until he goes away, I don't know what you can do. Obviously, he isn't going to go for the "your rules at your house, and my rules at my house".<p>At her worst, my ex was never this bad. Every time I think I have things tough, you always trump me, lol.<p>Good luck
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I'm bad at boundaries too. I'm getting flack for not putting them to bed at 8 pm exactly. Too bad.
Have you ventured over to the father's website
fathers4kids.org? They actually suggest taping phone conversations and give details about recording devices and their legality. (the other person doesn't need to know he's being taped, but as the caller, you have the authority to tape). They even suggest that you tape an intro to each recorded call. Just a thought.
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re: taping phone conversations -- he won't talk to me on the phone -- he has never called me other than to return a call, and often hangs up when I try to call him or the kids (I tried to go to that page on the site and it said you have to be a NFRC member)<p>I found this letter at the website, it's meant for the father to send to the ex, but I thought of sending it to him. Maybe even with a blank copy so he can sign one to me if he agrees to. Or is that being controlling? He'll see it that way ...<p>~~~~~<p>Co-Parenting<p>by Thomas Hoerner<p>So what can a father do when there is so much anger and hate that neither parent can get along? Try sending this letter to your ex-wife. Assuming that both parents are adults who love their children enough to do what is right for them, this letter is a peace treaty in the form of a contract and is designed to provide the first step toward a peaceful relationship between hostile parents. Good luck! <p> Dear______________<p>Today I realized that our child(ren) is/are more important than we are, and it is time to co-exist on their behalf. With the forwarding of this letter, I offer peace and ask that we set aside our ill feelings and be civil to each other. I know there is anger and hate from past conflicts that may not heal for a long time, but if we do nothing to overcome these feelings, our children will suffer.<p>I'm not asking for forgiveness, nor am I giving any. I am not taking or giving blame. I am simply asking that we wipe the slate clean and try to make tomorrow better--for the children! Perhaps, in time we can work out our differences, but in the meantime, we must not let them interfere with our being good parents.<p>You have my word. As of tomorrow my actions will reflect my love for my children, not my hostility for you. I will work at improving our relationship and keeping the children first and foremost in my life. I will make every effort to follow the rules of successful co-parenting and ask you to do the same. They are as follows:<p>* I will not blame you for a failed relationship or any other problem I/we have had. * I will not argue and fight with you in front of the children. * I will not speak badly of you to the children. * I will not use you as a sitter. * I will not discuss court disputes or adult problems with the children. * I will not limit telephone access between you and the children. * I will not use the children as spies. * I will not send messages through the children. * I will not make plans or arrangements directly with the children. * I will not send money through the children. * I will try to be on time and will call if I am late. * I will send/return the children clean, fed, rested, and with clean clothes. * I will be courteous and use words such as "thank you" and "please." * I will communicate about the children's actions, developmental stages, adjustment, and well being. * I will try to agree on basic rules such as bedtime, TV, diet, discipline, etc. * If I slip and make a mistake, I will try again tomorrow.<p>I Promise_________________Date________<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</p>
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