My H started playing cribbage online in 1998. He played 4 or 5 hours a day, 7 days a week. He spent no time with me or our children, D now 21 and S now 18. He got a Rolodex to put the names of the people he played. One day I looked at the Rolodex and found out he was playing women exclusively, and he had home addresses and lots of other personal information he shouldn't have had. I said it had to stop and it did for awhile. I burned the Rolodex pages.<p>Then he started playing cribbage again, but only with men. Except the men were women pretending to be men. He had sent some of the women cassettes of himself as a radio disc jockey (he was a disc jockey for awhile and had taped it), and he added a love song to one tape because the women's name was part of the song. He then got a post office box and sent letters and pictures back and forth to several women, never including me in the pictures. He got a phone card and called one OW often. I had no idea about any of this until I found the letters and pictures. The letters were sexually explicit. I confronted him, and he said it was all over, and that he was sorry and that he had gotten carried away. We burned the letters. There is an additional thing my husband did that I do not think I should mention here, but that was the worst thing. The OW's husband was impotent and my husband was having some trouble in that area. The OW was making the problem worse for her H by complaining about it. I was supportive and loving with my H and problem mostly went away. H had been telling these women I was a bad person.<p>Just after Valentine’s Day our computer got a virus, and I had to reinstall Windows and all our programs. When I reinstalled email program, old emails came in. H had been sending and receiving sexually explicit emails to a former co-worker while she was at work, and he sent her the same email valentine he had sent me, although he made hers much nicer. H said that he was sorry and that he had gotten carried away. Also when fixing the computer, I discovered that my husband had been online from January 2001 to April 2001 playing women again. He said it was over. I still have the emails; my husband did not ask to destroy them.<p>A guy who had worked with my husband made up a game in 1999 to use your imagination for evil. In 1999 my husband was pretending to be a pornographic photographer, and this year he was pretending to be Howard Stern. H is also addicted to pornography, and there is more that I don’t think I should tell here. H cannot remember his childhood. H’s mother lies and shoplifts. H shared bedroom for years with alcoholic grandfather (mother’s father) who smoked. H does not drink or smoke. <p>After what happened in 1999 I went online and waited for the OW. When she started talking to me, I said, “I thought you were working things out with your husband.” I told her who I was and that what had happened had hurt me more than anything. She asked me several questions, and I answered them. At the end of the conversation, she said, “you’re a nice person.” I told my husband about the conversation. This year I called H’s former co-worker. I wrote down what I wanted to say ahead of time. I told her who I was and how the computer had broken and the old emails had come in. I told her I recommended against doing that kind of thing because it had hurt me. She asked a few questions which I answered. She said she was sorry and that she knows I’m a nice person (we know each other). At the end of the conversation, I said I needed to make some more phone calls, meaning other women involved with H, but I did not end up calling anyone else. I told my husband about the conversation. When H asked for D, he said he had called OW and apologized for my behavior. OW told H she thought I meant I was going to call and get her fired, and lived in fear for her job. H reassured her that I did not mean that and would not do that. H says I embarrassed him in front of his friends (there were other people in the room when H was flirting with OW). From what co-workers have said, my husband had been a man of integrity at work, as far as I knew, until he did this. I feel my husband has taken leave of senses and is going through a mid-life crisis.<p>H and I were both laid off a month after 9/11/01. I found a job within 2 months, but H was unemployed 6 months. H just got a job in a distant state, and we listed our house, and we were all moving. One month after H started new job, H came back to move a car; we were supposed to drive it back together and house-hunt. I picked H up at airport, we went to dinner, we stopped by my work for awhile so I could finish something, H asked to go for our usual walk, and as we went back into the house he announced he wanted a D. He says he made the decision in January and lied to me until 5/24/02. H is coming next week to get only his stuff and move it (we were all supposed to be moving). I had quit my job, but was able to get it back. I do not like my job, it does not pay well, it is not what I went to school for. I’m planning to stay in this area because children are in college nearby; now I need to look for a place to live here. I talked to a priest and he said I needed to take care of myself. He gave me an example of not taking care of yourself. He used to work construction, and he had an important project. He put off going to the doctor. When he did go to the doctor, he had to have all the toes on one foot amputated. The priest said I need to do something good for myself emotionally (for example, talk to someone), spiritually, and physically every day. I have started counseling. <p>H now blames his flirting on me for lack of sex, which is untrue. He is looking to justify the D, but he can’t. H has not told his family. I told H’s best friend everything because he called and asked twice during the conversation how I was. H’s best friend is supportive of me. I called H’s boss (H worked for him years ago, so I know him, and he is a good man), and told H’s boss I love my H and want to get back together. H’s boss is supportive of me. I told H what I said to H’s best friend and H’s boss. H has never been nice to me and the kids, except for two weeks after he had been very sick and appreciated how well I had cared for him. H used to ridicule me in front of his family and friends, but had mostly stopped. D is mad at her dad, and S has been supportive of me and has told his dad he loves him. When H would say mean things to kids, I would tell them he didn’t know how to do things the right way, that H loved kids, that I knew what he said had hurt, and that what H had said was wrong.<p>H did not want marriage counseling. I have read everything online here at Marriage Builders, and I have read part of two of Dr. H’s books. (H was supposed to read also, but didn’t read much, and I was waiting for him to catch up.) I have visited the forum many times but never posted until now. I still love my husband, and told my husband I want him back if he changes. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I feel completely despairing, sometimes I feel hopeful.<p>H says he never wants to see me again, he forbids me to move where he is, and he says he will never see me if I move there.<p>After H left for new job, I had been seeing that there are things I need to change about myself. I had not been taking care of myself, only taking care of H and kids.<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: llynnmacd ]</p>

Boy can I sympathise with you. I don't think my H had internet A's just real PA"s. However, he used to not come home from work for 2 to 5 hours after he get off. A friend of his told me when I met them, that they knew H for 5 years before they found out he was Married!<p>Any way, I was blamed for everything he did. It was all my fault according to him. If I have learned anything through all of this......People make their own choice. You obviously can't make them quit because they don't want to. You couldn't make them do it, they do because they choose to. I too, tried to better myself, cater to him more, let me tell you, in my case it made NO difference. He didn't care that I was suffering more pain than I thought I could bare. I tried for 18 years after 1st A to be a good wife. To him it made no difference. I have finally seen the light and I am through. I feel like I have wasted most of my life on someone who is only interested in what HE wants. I am going to get a D, H still in the home and I don't know if he knows or not.We don't talk at all....H choice, we have no physical conatact at all....MY choice. I wish you luck, peace and happiness, but it is a long hard road to travel that you are on. Do take care of youself!!!!

I talked to my husband yesterday. I am trying to plan A him, but it is difficult to do at a distance. He says there is no one else, but if so why won't he give us a chance, why does he want a divorce right away, why does he want to date right away, why doesn't he want to see me again ever? Yesterday he asked me to get him a motel room because he's coming back for our son's graduation, and he's going to move all his stuff (we were all supposed to move this week). Yesterday I had to change the UHaul truck to a smaller one because it's just going to be his stuff. I told him he would have to arrange the motel on his own because if he wants me to do things for him he needs to come back to me first. That is a plan B type of thing to do, and I don't know if I said the wrong thing? I don't think I said the wrong thing, but it was the harder thing to say. I also said I knew he was helping pay my expenses, but that didn't mean I would do things for him. Anyone have any advice?

bump^

Doesn't seem like you have many choices in this situation.<p>Sounds like H is going to his own Plan B. You cannot control that. Let him go with your head held high and see an attorney to protect yourself and work out a separation agreement. It is HIGHLY likely that there IS someone else when a WS FORBIDS you from coming near their new residence. Obviously there is something to hide.<p>Put no stock in his divorce threas just wait to see if he follows them with actions. Actions are the only thing that matters. His words mean nothing unless backed up with actions.<p>If I were you I'd let him go, tell him I love him and want to restore the marriage, tell him that I'm willing to work on being a better spouse but that as I go about becoming a better me I won't wait forever for him to make up his mind. Leave it at that,open ended with the ball in his court.This way you maintain your self respect and dignity and he sees you being strong, not weak and clingy. That will give him something to wonder about.I'd tell him that when he is ready to discuss reconciliation that I'm available. Do not be drawn into extraneous conversations that could cause you to lovebust. Keep conversation about anything but reconciliation to businesslike as needed.

H sounds a lot like my X. hit 42 & went crazy. Our church has been speaking a lot on phorn & what it does to the family, I never knew people could get addicted to it. I would always just throw away the nasty books X would leave hidden around the house & never said a word to him now I wish I had talked with him. caught X after bedtime on the internet at nasty site. Then X met MOW who would do the kinds of sex acts that are unspeakable and in public places. X said he couldnt just have normal sex anymore it did nothing for him. x Told inlaws that I was mean to him and wouldnt let him have a female friend & yes they believe that story, told the guys he worked with no sex at home, I only said no if X hadnt had a bath that night. Blames me for the breakup, the last straw was that I made him fall in love with another mans wife. just hope X will at least come down to earth & get his life straighten. Dont blame yourself or even try to figure him out. They never take the blame for their actions. my X doesnt look happy, others who havent seen him in months say he looks tired & older. The grass isnt alway greener on the other side.
w-48
x-42
M-17yrs
C-13,28, 7 GD
A-while working as cop on duty
MOW-29
M-10yrs
C-3 under 10

llynnmacd,<p>Sorry I did not get to your request until now. <p>Take Care,<p>Magnolia