My X and I have 50/50 custody of our 13 year old son. Because her work schedule is irregular, our divorce agreement allows her to determine which days of the week our son is with whom. We alternate weekends. I'd prefer swapping for a week at a time, but I was foolish enough to agree to this arrangement so I can't do much about it now.<p>She makes up a monthly calendar and I have never deviated from it or requested changes. I have been very agreeable when she requested changes.<p>Last month, Mother's Day fell on my weekend. I was flabergasted that she didn't request a switch and I simply wrote it off as her loss and selfishness. We did not speak about it at all.<p>A few minutes ago we were in a conversation on the phone about our son's schedule this coming week - I had to ask because she has not yet provided a June calendar. She went thru the days she wanted him based on her work schedule and ended saying that she'll have him next weekend.<p>Me: OK, but he'll be with me on Father's Day.<p>Her: Well, I didn't have him on Mother's Day! It was your weekend!<p>Me: That's not my fault - you make the schedule. You could've had him on Mother's Day - I figured you had other plans because you didn't even ask or put it on the schedule at the beginning of the month.<p>Her: But you didn't offer to let me have him!<p>Me: How am I supposed to know that "I have to offer?" You look out for your interests and I'll look out for mine. Isn't it common sense that a child would be with the appropriate parent on those days?<p>Her: You're not gonna dictate what I do!<p>Me: He's going to be with me on Father's Day. There is no option as far as I'm concerned. I can't help it that you didn't take the initiative to have him on Mother's Day.<p>Her: Blah, Blah, Blah - click.<p>Am I f***ed up? Of course, during the conversation she went on and on about how she's not gonna let me dictate what she does, how how she tries so hard to be reasonable about all of this, and what a big sacrifice she made to not disrupt my weekend back in May on Mother's day - all the while making me out to be the bad guy because now I was making a "demand." She NEVER makes demands! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Any advice?

speak up ahead of time, silence is not agreement. . . if you don't speak up, X will try to take advantage of the situation. . . <p>at this point. . . say OK. . . . and go by the agreement. . . if sone brings it up. . . say you asked X for it, but she has the legal right to make the schedule. . . and then silence. . .<p>that was honest, and factual. . . no more explanations. . . we are at a soccer tournament all weekend on father's day here. . . so decide with son to be flexible, and change father's day to your availability date. . . that's what I am doing. . .<p>creativity and flexibility is what controlling people hate. . .<p>and somewhere i read where the death of a child is very, very stressful on couples, to the point of being a very high probability of divorce afterwards. . . . sorry to read of your situation, but now be creative and change plans, show your son that just because the calendar says it, doesn't mean you have to follow it precisely. . . <p>and your X is a bit loosely wrapped. . . <p>good luck
wiftty

WAT,
To answer your question in a word: "NO" you were NOT unreasonable....<p>However, the presumption here is that YOU are dealing with a "reasonable" person, and from all your W has done these last 2 years, there's NO reasoning with her!! It's always been "all about her" and it still is.<p>I'm sorry she hasn't really yet come to grips with the "losses" in her life, BUT I believe that is at the root of her problems/behaviors/demands/interpretations/etc. even to this very day.<p>Having said that, let me try to offer a solution to this (yet another) dilemma in re: DXW....<p>A compromise of some sort will have be reached (this usually means YOU have to do the compromising, I understand!). OK, so just discuss with <son> that since Mother's Day "fell" on your week-end, he spent it with you. However, Father's Day falls on "Mom's Week-end" and he can expect to be there. BUT that doesn't mean you guys can't plan a special "Father/Son/Father's Day" thingy for another time....like THIS week-end!!! Today, tomorrow, whatever. Try to take the sting out of this for yourself. I KNOW <son> will in no way take this like you don't want to be with him. He's a smart kid, and he's living this nightmare right along with you, so he knows the score.<p>It hurts. It sux. I know. But you're going to be fine, and you're doing a *wonderful* job of fulfilling your son's needs through all this. Hold your head up high, brother. The day is coming (by the time he's 15, 16) when <SON> is going to start making his own demands about where he wants to be when. I wonder how DXW will deal with that?<p>Lastly, I'd like to agree whole-heartedly with WIFTY here:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>your X is a bit loosely wrapped. . .
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Good luck, and God Bless you and <son>,

hmmmm.... I am in no way qualified to respond to this, but I will share my thoughts anyhoooo...<p>I think your conversation was reasonable. I think your requests were reasonable. She coul have easily made arragements for F-day, and accepted your assumtions about M-day. BUT.... as everyone else said, we're not dealing with a rational, agreeable person. <p>I can CERTAINLY understand your wanting to spend Father's Day with your SON.<p>I think wiffty's and Lupo's advice were great.<p>Your request WAS reasonable, but can you celebrate F-day another day? After all, you're also going on a wonderful trip with <son> soon as well. I am a firm believer that dates are flexible - birthdays, etc.<p>I also have a feeling your son respects and loves you so much, that every day is Father's Day to him. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Change your dance (the hokey pokey REALLY is what it's all about [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ), and be creative and flexible... I like that perspective from wiffty.<p>devil's advocate here: if you stand your ground and insist that your son be with you F-day, do you think she'll give in? Whether she does or doesn't, would it be worth the fight that would probably result from pushing that issue? Would it be worth it to hear her throwing it in your face for weeks, months to come? <p>Just some thoughts... I certainly don't really have a clue in this area...<p>Good luck!!!

You were not unreasonable. I would try to figure out something so that you can be with him. This is common sense. My H asked me weeks ago if he could take the boys to a baseball game on father's day. I am shocked that he thought that far ahead.....it'a a first....but he did it and my kids should be with him on father's day. How foolish of her (the one that makes the schedule!!!) to not put herself down for mother's day!<p>Good luck!
MAX

Personally, I think you are being very reasonable
Next month is 4th of July weekend..is she going to schedule that entire weekend with her having him??<p>And what about Labor Day, Thanksgiving? Christmas, News Years??<p>How did you handle Memorial Day Weekend as it was a long weekend? <p>Has she even thought about the holidays and how they will be spent? or is she planning on having him all major holidays?? Working them into her schedule and not even considering yours? <p>Have you thought about this???<p>Maybe you can 'suggest' that for those long weekends you can get him for half the time and she get him for half the time?? this way he will see you both..<p>Has it worked out to be every other weekend basically? if so then based on that you'll have him the weekend of July 6th and 7th..and labor day
weekend..and if has worked out this way..then be prepared for things to change..as she'll want those long three day weekends w/ your son..because it will be to HER advantange to change things then..

Hi Dave,<p>And "NO", you were not unreasonable.<p>Here's the deal, this is your first year Divorced with negotiating your son's time. And although there is already a set schedule regarding week-ends which encompass special days/holidays, I would suggest that you look into the future and come up with a '2003 and beyond "Special Days" schedule.<p>You can mark off the "Special Days" that you'd like to have son which will deviate from the set schedule BUT, in-turn and to make things fair, your wife will also get to have "Special Days" that deviate from the set schedule. Hopefully she'll see the value in agreeing to such a plan.<p>It may take some negotiating with her in the front-end once you submit it to her, but once hammered out, you and she can follow it for years to come. <p>I would think after a couple years this changing of schedule thing should become easier for you two. Things are still very emotionally charged between you, and your wife still sees you as the enemy unfortuntely.<p>Hope this helped. Sorry for your frustration. Being divorced and sharing custody certainly is no easy task.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ June 08, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Dave,<p>There was nothing wrong about asking for Father's Day, is it your fault that your XW didn't ask for Mother's Day? But we are talking your XW, who always seems to want everything her way or no way. <p>As much as it pains me to say, I agree with the others, don't make a big issue out of it as it will only leave you with bigger problems. Make a specail day before or after & explain to your son that as he was with you on Mother's Day, he will be with his mom for Father's day. Next yr plan in advance & offer her the day, offer before she can ask.<p>I asked for the boys on Mother's Day, as the STBX & I share weekends.<p>How old is your son, 13 or close right? It will not be much longer untill he can choose what, when & who he wants to be with. It will not be ya'll making the arrangements but him.<p>Two left till the big trip. Have fun, good sailing etc.

Thanks all, for your support and replies.<p>Despite all I have learned and all I have read of others' stories, it still boggles my mind that my XW can be as screwed up as she is. Absolutely amazing. I failed to mention in my first post how she said she was disappointed that I have returned to my "mean" ways. She said she had mentioned to <son> that she was happy that Dad was being "nicer" lately. "Guess I was wrong."<p>She is SO good at shifting guilt and blame that I doubt she'll ever know how many lives she's screwed up.<p>To try to keep the peace for <son> I think I'll offer to her that I'd just like to have him for a while on Dad's day. Yes, I'll have him for the next two weekends in a row when we go sailing. Ironically, last summer she sent me a five year schedule listing all the major holidays, birthdays, etc. with her plan for which one of us would have <son> - including Mom's and Dad's days. At the time I just laughed to myself about it as an example of her controlling nature. But I did look for it earlier today to be able to remind her that she had already planned for this type thing - but I couldn't find it.<p>Anyway, thanks again for your support and I'm sure things will continue to be bizarre for me as long as the Mothership is in control.<p>Dave

WAT,
Do you have a temporary visitation plan set up. Ours specifically stated who would get the kids for what holidays and when. The children are to always spend Mother's Day with their mom and Father's Day with their dad. The other holidays are specifically laid out too.<p>Maybe that is only in MO?!!!! Pat

Everyone has said what I think. I'm sorry you feel badly.

Dave,<p>dern connection at the house is down and I had to come to my parents slow poke computer for you [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As usual, you are the reasonable one. I think by now, though, we should learn to expect the unexpected from her. I think you should anticipate how she will react to certain things. She is selfish, so what she requested is in line with her thinking.
I agree with Resiliant about her calender recommendations and I agree that you can create your own father's day any other day of the week or this weekend.
Also, if he is going to be at her house next sunday, why not call him there and tell him how glad you are that you are his father....maybe a little father/son momento to go with it...
just a thought.....

Yes, you do have your lovely sailing vacation to look forward to. There will be other Mother's Days that your ex will have time to learn how to deal with all the visitation. It was the first Mother's Day since the divorce so she probably just didn't know what the "rules" were or that they could be bent.<p>Maybe you were second-guessing yourself because the conversation got a little mean-spirited. She did take a jab at you by saying that she "guessed she was wrong" about you... Whatever, don't let that get to you. I know, too late, huh? Oh well... That's a vulnerable spot she knows about you, is all...<p>I agree that she could have changed it but she probably just didn't realize that she could. To give her the benefit of the doubt... Unfortunately, all of this is new to all of you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Hopefully things will smooth out as time marches on. Have a great vacation!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You have every right to expect to see your son on Father's Day. I think you missed an opportunity, however, back when your wife sent you the May schedule and didn't take Mother's Day. What if you had said, "Are you sure you don't want Mother's Day? I can swap weekends if you want"? I know it's too late for a do-over, but maybe you can smooth things over by telling her you're sorry you didn't do just that. Why? Because it's the classy thing to do, and your son will be grateful to you for setting a valuable example.

Maybe she can have him on the next WS or XW day!!!! In the meantime you can have all the normal special days. She is certainly entitled to those 1 off wacko WS holidays. It is just not on the gegorian calendar. Remember it is based on the cycle of how many times the mothership circles the earth. So those days can come once in a blue moon... That's it she can have him on blue moon day. <p>U know it will eventually get to that. When he realizes that his mom can slack off on what used to be a special day even for her children. Your son will know and remember this. He will file it away and later when she wants him to treat her like a mom, he will remind her of when she didn't act like a mom. OUCH! <p>Just make sure you don't have those anti-parent days with your son. I know how much effort you are putting to be a good dad. That effort will not go unrewarded. <p>Happy dad day!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Happy Father's Day, WAT!<p>I'm sorry you can't be with your son on Father's Day and I'm sure he is upset about not being with you. This weekend was mine and I called STBXH two weeks ago to see if he wanted today but he told me he'd already planned an extended weekend vacation to NY so he wouldn't be here and wouldn't be back till Wednesday (and he's not going alone; OW is going with him). My 14 yr. son is noping around the house because in his words "I don't even have a dad anymore to spend Father's Day with." I wish my son had a father who wanted to spend time with him instead of maybe 20 hrs. a month if he's lucky. Your son knows you love him. Why not call him today and tell him. Let him know that you ARE thinking of him just in case he's being told differently.Just a thought.<p>By the way, the kids and I had a great time in Cancun. Hope your trip goes as well.<p>Aries55