Hi<p>I have not been posting for a while but lurking still and been checking out how everyone is.<p>Tonight I had a strange call - the guy asked what is your cell number - so I gave it to him, thinking it was a new friend of mine. Next thing I get an sms from XH - he realises the pain he put me through and is sorry. I received another 3 after that to the effect that he hopes we can be friends one day. I feel like crying because I know that I can never be his friend again. I don't know what his messages mean exactly. Does it mean his new marriage isn't working out? Does it mean his split up from her? Does it mean they've had an argument and tomorrow he will regret sending me any messages? Does it mean she has messed around on him? I don't know. This confuses and makes me sad. Why now? Why when I've just met a potential person that I could have in my life? Why now? <p>Should I reply? Should I ignore him? (Can anyone believe I didn't recognise his voice?) Should I send him the following sms?<p>'I am over all the pain from our relationship and I'm moving on. I wish you all the best.'<p>How can I send this, when I have been waiting for his marriage to end, when I knew it would. When I hoped he would feel that pain that I have felt. Why now?<p>Pantha<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Pantha ]</p>

Gosh Pantha ...<p>I don't know why now ... it just happens when we're ready to walk away for ever that they make a move in our direction. No one can say why it happens that way, it just does. <p>I don't think you should read anything into your ex's contact with you. Whatever it is, it's still all about him. If he's only contacting you because he's now feeling a twinge of what he put you thru, that says its still all about him. IMHO, I would not respond. <p>I just don't understand why a WS has to feel betrayal themselves, or have the OP dump them for whatever reason before they (WS) decides to apologize to the BS or before they feel any remorse. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish they'd discover it on their own, of their own conscience, because they realize it was wrong and breaking a solemn promise before God, their family and friends. <p>I might live in a unrealistic world and ask for too much. It just disappoints me they aren't the person we thought they were. That they are so damn selfish.<p>I hope you're okay, Pantha. I know this makes things confusing for you. Just know you are in my thoughts, Hon.<p>Hopefully, Desiree (Roll Me Away) will respond with some of her very valuable pearls of wisdom.<p>Love,
Jo

Thanks Jo<p>You make so much sense. It is still all about him. For a moment I thought.... <p>I didn't respond. I was about to, then thought I first need some input on this from my wise friends at MB. So I am glad I haven't responded. I won't. Tempting as it is... I doubt he will pursue this, I doubt he will call. He even used my name shortened as he would have used it in a term of endearment at one time. He's last sms was 'Good night Dude', when we first got together that was the love term he'd use for me. So I must admit that this is playing on my mind big time.<p>Thanks again Jo.

Pantha,<p>I'm sorry your going through this..<p>I have a question...Tonight I had a strange call - the guy asked what is your cell number - so I
gave it to him, thinking it was a new friend of mine.<p>Did you ever find out WHO called asking for your cell #??? That bothers me more than your ex sms'ing you..especially when your not sure who it was..<p>Now, about your ex sms'ing you..<p>"he realises the pain he put me through and is sorry"<p>TR- to this just respond w/ a Thank you...It's an attempt at an apology on his part..accept it graciously..it doesn't mean you have to be friends with him..it's just that..an apology..<p>"another 3 after that to the effect that he hopes we can be friends one day."<p>TR-To this you could ignore it, but then I don't believe your that cold as to completely ignore someone..I don't know..but I don't see you as that type of person..so to this you could reply with..<p>"maybe one day, but right now it's still too soon"<p>I don't know what his messages mean exactly.<p>TR- Only he knows..but you could ask him..you could ask 'Why are you contacting me?" <p>It could be that since his father died..and since the funeral he's had time to think..and your having gone to the funeral effected him more than he realized..at the time..<p>Does it mean his new marriage isn't working out? <p>TR- It could be, but it could be something else..
it could be he see's her as she really is and realizes the mistake he made..but it doesn't mean you need to be there for him..even if that is the case..sometimes..it's good to let them be alone and not have anyone 'physical' to lean on..and talk to..that way..they have to be alone in their thoughts--just as you were when all these things began..<p>
Does it mean his split up from her? <p>TR-If he said they have..how would feel? would you be happy, or sad? or would you recommend he read up on the MB principles?? IF they did split up you could say "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you hoped they would" and leave it at that..<p>
Does it mean they've had an argument and tomorrow he will regret sending me any messages? <p>TR- Not sure what it means..again..only he has the answers to these questions..<p>
Does it mean she has messed around on him? <p>TR- It could mean anything..only he knows for sure..<p>
I don't know. This confuses and makes me sad. Why now? Why when I've just met a potential person that I could have in my life? Why now? <p>TR- I am sure it does..because you loved him so much and tried so hard to make things work..<p>it could be that now he's having to face the reality of what he did..he's having to live with his consequences of his actions..and it may not be what he thought it would be..it may not be greener
on the other side..didn't you say before that he wasn't working?? that he lost his job or could lose his job or something?? if thats the case it could be that he has a lot of time on his hands and reality really is setting in..<p>He's looking at this women..who was 'fun' before
and now it's not 'fun' anymore because they don't have that 'play time' they had before..he's spending more time with her and doesn't get that break from her..and she may not be who he thought she was..<p>Maybe she's not the emotionally supportive person you are during those rough times..<p>It could be any number of things..but only he can answer those questions..and if you really want to know them you'll have to ask him..and if he tells you any of these things..you can just empathize with him..like I said just say<p>"I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you thought they would" and say, "you know..while we were going through all our mess, I found some really great information about relationships and marriage..and give him this website" <p>And if they have split up..who knows..he may read the information here and begin to change and even if you don't want him back at this point..he would learn something that will help him..<p>This would show your maturity and help him see just how special you really are..and make him realize just what he's lost..

(((((((((pantha))))))))<p>Yes X's are good at throwing spanners in the works, lol! I wouldn't try to analyse his reason behind the messages, and I would be inclined to reply also, but with something very short, like "Thank you". So you didn't ignore him, and you haven't said anything that will rock any boats.<p>Just do what you are doing, and get to know the new guy. If X is rethinking, he WILL let you know. Until then, don't sweat it.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

TR thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.<p>Answer to your question about the guy phoning for my cell. The guy was my XH!! I didn't recognise his voice, it sounded so urgent that they needed my cell number and I thought there was some kind of emergency so didn't really think before giving out my cell number. My XH had deleted my number off his phone thinking he would not need/want to contact me again. He then used the number to send me the sms's. It took 3 calls before he asked for the number, the first call the phone stopped ringing before I got to it, the second call no one answered, so by the time the third call happened I really believed it was some kind of emergency.<p>I have not replied as yet. Yesterday he sent me another about 'true friends will keep you in their mind and heart'. I think he must be hurting at this time, and I feel sad for him. But I can't be there for him right now. I was thinking of calling his sister to find out if she knows anything. But maybe that also is not a good idea. I wish I could be there for him but he is married to another woman and he chose to do that, and now only he can help himself. I warned him before he got married that he would be making a mistake. I didn't say that for me, I said it because I know him and because I knew he was making a mistake. I would not like it if I was his new wife and I knew he was contacting his XW, so I don't think I should interfere, he has a new wife and life that he has chosen for himself and if it is a mistake then only he can help himself. I think talking to him about this now will just open the wounds that are just starting to heal. I think I will always love him in a way, in a protective kind of way, but I can't be involved in any kind of way with him right now.<p>If he does send another message I will try to answer it with empathy.<p>Thanks Jacky for your words. Probably will reply if he sends another message, but don't think he will.<p>Love and care
Pantha

Stupid, stupid me! He sent me an sms asking whether he can cancel the life insurance we took out when we bought the house. He has been paying it all along, I really thought he'd have cancelled it by now. Thought that his new wife would have put down that rule. Anway I decided to call.....<p>Bad move. Now I'm feeling sad and the wounds are open again.... We spoke for a while. He assured me he is fine, and didn't say anything about problems in his marriage. But he did say he is still sorting himself out. I said OH! I thought you had worked through everything, and he said No he didn't give himself time to work through things. I also said it is not nice for him to be contacting me when he has a new wife. He said he will do as he pleases.... He said he may need to declare himself bankrupt but said he was working but didn't have a job (???). <p>He had this "I'm Fine" and "Cool & Distant" tone in his voice. I said it doesn't sound like you want to be friends, he said he does. So I said well if thats what he wants he will have to drop the tone because it isn't 'real'.<p>What did I get out of this conversation. Heartache. And unanswered questions. <p>These are just some of the things we spoke about, but you know what? He never even asked how I was. <p>Thanks for listening.<p>Pantha

I'm sorry, Pantha. Not unlike me, you offered him an olive branch with expectations, and he disappointed you. <p>To a degree, I agree with what TR and Jackie have said, but I also know that until they (WS) have come to a place of accepting responsibility for their part, contact will disappoint you. Until they do, IMHO, being a friend to someone for them means those people are there for them when THEY need them, but that consideration is rarely reciprocated. That's why I advocate No Contact. I know most here won't agree with me, and perhaps I feel this way only because where I'm at right now in this healing process. But your ex is re-married and even Harley says that's when "all bets are off".<p>But Pantha, you still care and are a nurturing feeling female, you shouldn't feel bad because you responded. You reached out when you thought he needed you, there is nothing wrong with that, it's loving and admirable of you. It's forgiving ... and that's why you WILL be okay.<p>Love,
Jo

I'm sorry Pantha. It really sounds like it is all about him, and about making himself feel better about what he did to you, rather than something heartfelt on his part.<p>If it would help you to cope, I would not respond to his messages and definitely not speak on the phone. Use your boundaries. If he wants a friend to listen, he should be talking to his wife or a male friend. He's committing a big MB no-no by talking about problems with an opposite sex "friend". So by ignoring him, you'd actually be helping him, and protecting yourself. Give it some thought.<p>xPB

Pantha, just be careful, your exh is extremly unhappy, he's putting on a front...<p>Quote:<p>Bad move. Now I'm feeling sad and the wounds are open again.... We spoke for a while. He assured me he is fine, and didn't say anything about problems in his marriage. But he did say he is still sorting himself out. I said OH! I thought you had worked through everything, and he said No he didn't give himself time to work through things. I also said it is not nice for him to be contacting me when he has a new wife. He said he will do as he pleases....<p>
***
Its apparent he married out of the rebound, now he's regretting jumping too soon. He now is starting to see himself and the very things that was in your marriage he carried to his new marriage, I'm sure the new wife is starting to say repeated things you may have complained about therefore he confused bigtime......Of course he's going to say he's fine but he's not, who wants to admit the shame of I'd told you so!! Its a man pride thing that he's having to face that you were right all along, but stay away from his emotional trap otherwise you'd be going backwards and stay wounded....the place he's at in life will cause him to rebound off you and you'll be the OW....<p>He needs to take responsibility but that doesn't involve you.

Pantha,<p>I went through something similar earlier this year. My exH was/is "who knows"...engaged to OW. Wedding was to be this past April. Well last February, exH and OW broke up. He came to me, shared his feelings, told me some bad things about OW, and it appeared he wanted another chance, or perhaps at least a better chance with the children. <p>After a few hours of confusion, I re-read some journals and even old posts here, and I decided, no matter what, I would steer clear of him. <p>I was waiting for it to fail with OW/ExH just because I felt slighted and jealous. In reality, I found out they were never as happy as I imagined.<p>However, I have stayed far away from him, and he has moved back in with her. I realize the pattern, when things are bad in that relationship, he has time to share things with me. Not that I want to ride his roller coaster, but I see what he does.<p>I am engaged now and I am with someone who treats me much better, and I feel I found a love that is deeper and faithful and looking back, I know I would not be this happy if I was holding out for exH to return. Even if I were alone, I am sure now, in hindsight, that returning to someone who cheated and put me through so much pain, was someone I couldn't be with again, because I'm not willing or even capable of that much trust for him anyway.<p>Good luck, you'll find your way too.
Dana

Pantha,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Next thing I get an sms from XH - he realises the pain he put me through and is sorry. I received another 3 after that to the effect that he hopes we can be friends one day. <hr></blockquote><p>Ugh, is all I can say.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Does it mean his new marriage isn't working out? Does it mean his split up from her? Does it mean they've had an argument and tomorrow he will regret sending me any messages? Does it mean she has messed around on him? <hr></blockquote><p>Who cares?<p>Don't forget, he ramarried. In fact, he's still married, yes? He is (fortunately) no longer your problem.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>'Good night Dude' <hr></blockquote><p>All this proves is that he still knows how to push your buttons and get inside your heart. It doesn't mean that there has been any significant changes on his part.<p>I'm sorry you got sucked in. We want so much to believe that they've come to their senses. It doesn't sound like it's happened here, reguardless of what he might say to you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He said he will do as he pleases....
<hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm... he already did this with you and your feelings. Sorry, that was unfair, but can I go over there and smack him around some?<p>I guess my response to this whole thing is, run away. If you say anything else to him, tell him to leave you alone and not bother you.<p>Concentrate on your new relationship with a guy who is more interested in meeting your needs. Don't worry about someone who needs you to save hiim, that's not your job anymore.<p>Hang in there.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</p>

Resilient thank you. I never realised that I still had such strong feelings for XH. I think I will always have feelings for him, maybe in time the intensity will lesson. But I'm not going to dwell on those feelings, I will just put them away again. <p>ex-Princess Buttercup it is still all about him - I know that now. I am going to post his sms's from last night and you will understand why I so readily agree with you here.<p>EverlastingCompassion you are right. He will never admit that he has made a mistake. I hoped that is maybe what he would say. But he didn't. He never will. He will never admit too much to me.<p>DanaB I also can never be with XH again, after the pain and betrayal. But I still in some (maybe sick) kind of way want him to want me and I want him to regret what he did. And then for me probably that might be closure. But I cannot make him act in the way that I want him to. I am glad that you have found happiness with someone. I wish you all the happiness, you deserve it. I don't know if I can be totally open in any relationship in my future. I feel I need to guard my heart. Does it get easier to trust someone again?<p>IG <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Don't worry about someone who needs you to save him, that's not your job anymore <hr></blockquote>
I know. But I still have these protective feelings towards him... Crazy I know! But you are so right, he is not my problem anymore, and I will be putting up the boundaries and no more contact.<p>This is the 1st sms last night.
Just want to say thanks for the call. Will not sms anytime soon again. K<p>It upset and confused me. I thought he wants to be friends but he doesn't give a reason why he will not sms me. So I reply.
What do you mean. Plse answer.
No reply.
I was upset so I sent:
It seems you still don't understand what friendship involves.
No reply.
I was more upset so I sent:
For a moment in time I thought your messages were genuine. I am sorry that my assumption was wrong. I will not be contacting you again. Ever.<p>And I am sticking to this. He replied about 1hr after first message:
Thanks for the call. I am really fine. I just wanted to say thanks. K
Next sms:
I really do want us to be friends. And do think we will be friends as time goes by. Sleep tight. K<p>I never replied and won't.<p>thanks everyone for listening and posting and helping me through this.<p>Pantha<p>[ June 12, 2002: Message edited by: Pantha ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pantha:
<strong>Hi
I feel like crying because I know that I can never be his friend again. I don't know what his messages mean exactly. Does it mean his new marriage isn't working out? Does it mean his split up from her? Does it mean they've had an argument and tomorrow he will regret sending me any messages? Does it mean she has messed around on him? I don't know. This confuses and makes me sad. Why now? Why when I've just met a potential person that I could have in my life? Why now? <p>Should I reply? Should I ignore him? (Can anyone believe I didn't recognise his voice?) Should I send him the following sms?<p>'I am over all the pain from our relationship and I'm moving on. I wish you all the best.'<p>How can I send this, when I have been waiting for his marriage to end, when I knew it would. When I hoped he would feel that pain that I have felt. Why now?<p>Pantha</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sounds to me like you've moved on and found a nice person who can be that Mr. Right for you - one who will treasure you for YOU and not cheat on you. Who's to say that if by some long shot, you responded to your ex, you got back together, etc. Could you say that he wouldn't just do the same thing all over again? Something to really think and pray about... I guess I've thought about this numerous times since my Divorce in '98: what would I do? My response would be: "I forgive you, let's leave it at that, the past can never be the same again, we've both found someone else, so let's just leave it alone, let it go and move on. Don't contact me again, thank you."
I can state that I am NOT bitter or regretful over this, because the Lord has blessed me with a wonderful Christian woman who is everything that my ex-wife was not. God will provide!
Harold
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

My ex tried to kill himself last night. He is going through so much and I feel sorry for him. He is separated from his W for a month. Which means he must have been married a month. He still loves her, she won't have him back. He wants to declare himself insolvent. He has no job. This is the man I once loved, and feel so sorry for him. I wish he wasn't in this mess. I don't know how to help him.

OMG, Pantha...what a shock for you!<p>Wow, what happened...is he in care? How did you find out?<p>I am just so lost for words, but I will stay around for another hour if you want to talk about this.<p>Much love and light,<p>Jacky

Thanks Jacky<p>He sent me a msg last night saying that I was right and that he was not ok. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said yes. I called him at 8pm. He was talking in riddles and frustrating me. Then he wanted to open up and tell me what had happened between him and OW, then I let my emotions get in the way and made a nasty comment about her name, after which I apoligised but he just put the phone down. He sent me a message to effect that he didn't know whether he had the guts to do it, but now he knew. I was confused but then thought he may be referring to suicide, but he has done this before and I'd already tried to call him back, so I phoned his mom's house but no answer. I phoned his sister's cell and no answer but I left a message for her to contact XH or myself. At 3am she calls, after she called XH. He had tried to kill hang himself. I called him and we spoke for about half an hour. I mostly tried to listen. And tried to get him to open up. But he has such a wall built up around him. He was so angry at everything. Eventually his anger subsided to tears. His cousin came into his place so I felt ok to hang up at that point. I am so sorry for him. <p>His sister said that his cousin will be taking to him to Crisis Control, I'm not sure what exactly they do there, but I hope that they can give him some medication and help him. I know now that he has such deep problems, and he needs professional help. I will always care about him and hope that he will be ok. His sister said to me that I'm a good person, for still caring after all he has done to me. At this point all I want is for him to be ok. I am not trying to be a good person or anything, I just really don't want to see him in this pain.

Wow! He seriously need professional help. I'm so sorry to read about this.

Pantha .... your H is in my prayers. I know how this must weigh on you, can't help but still care for someone we spent so many years with. It's good to know he has family that will watch out for him. <p>Seems all that has happened is now one big mountain of unhappiness for him. Must feel overwhelming and it's very sad. <p>If you ex has tried to harm himself, it's more than likely they'll put him under observation a few days. Hopefully he'll received some therapy and meds to help with his depression. <p>I do feel bad for what I said in my response posts to you regarding how selfish WS's can be. I really do pray he can forgive himself and get thru this without harming himself.<p>Stay strong, Pantha. We care.<p>Love,
Jo

Pantha - I'm soo sorry that you have to go through this emotional crisis. He does need that support from you, but at the same time you are needing support from someone as well. Do you have someone that you can get this from? I am in the same boat you are. I pray to God that my STBXH will not try to committ suicide. He is coming to the end of a very short rope. Unfortunately, it is going to affect me and the kids now. I can't control him, I can't even give him advice because I'm telling him what to do. He has made some very poor choices since last May (when A started). This is a man that I shared my life with for over 20 years (longer than I lived with my parents) and care deeply for him but I also realize that I can't take him back even if he wants to come back. I'm not going to bail him out of this financial problem. He has to fix it or face the consequences and tell our D that she can't go to college next year because we can't afford it financially. I truly believe that he thinks everything is going to be fine. He is still seeing OW and I'm sure he will make the same mistakes with her that he made in our M that last 2 years. I told him a long time ago that I didn't see how he expected their relationship to workout when both of them cheated on their spouses and how did they know that they wouldn't do that to each other? Do you have someone that you can call when you start getting the guilts? I call my sister and she tells me that this is what he wanted and he put himself and our family in this situation, it wasn't me. He is the one that decided that he needed to move out and live the swinging single life. He needs to be responsible for his actions and I'm not his mother. That is all I usually have to hear and then I'm fine with it. I don't contact him except for via e-mail. He called my cell phone this a.m. on my way into the office, but I ignored it because I can't put myself through that emotional rollercoaster ride. I was too angry to talk to him yet anyway. Hang in there and I hope things get better for you. Frankly, I wouldn't want my WH to think that he was so important in my life that I would kill myself over it. Don't flatter yourself man.. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]