I've been carrying this stuff around for too long ... please advise on this letter to XH:<p>XH,<p>I find it disappointing but not surprising that you continue to find nothing but fault in everything I say or do. I implore you to consider the children first in future matters of scheduling.<p>You ask for a letter stating that you've been extremely flexible, but I am at a loss to provide instances of this. You will only agree to changes in schedule if they mean extra time for you, your cooperation is conditional to that stipulation and without regard to the children's best interest.<p>What I can verify is this:<p>• You get six weeks out of an eleven week summer vacation, and yet you fuss over one partial day (6/12) ... you got six weeks out of eleven last year as well, and refused the weekly visit you know we were each supposed to get, resulting in the first time ever that I was separated from the children for seven days straight. Adding to this emotional duress, you and XMIL refused to let me speak with the children on the phone on many occasions, hung up on me, told the children what to say or listened in during the few chances I received to speak with them.<p>• I allow you first choice of your two weeks of uninterrupted parenting time although it was my year to choose first, and you change your mind over a month after you initially announce your choices, and over a month after the deadline ~ I allow the change anyway. You stall and refuse to answer whether or not you will accept changes to the summer schedule until days before the end of school, even under advisement that I require an answer in order to schedule child care.<p>• Last summer, when exchange time was 6:00pm, I often asked if you would like to keep the kids until 8:00pm and you gladly did, but would refuse to allow me an extra hour or two in return on the few times I requested it.<p>• I allowed XMIL to pick up the children before your parenting time began, even after I had a letter from Friend of the Court stating that I did not have to do this, and after your mother caused the police to bel called to S's school by showing up to take him when it wasn't your time, just so that you could spend more of your parenting time with the children instead of driving to pick them up and take them home, yet again I get no appreciation or consideration for this, only threats if I discontinue to allow it.<p>• I have not "made plans" during "your" time without specifically asking you for your input (ie. swim lessons) and receiving your agreement ~ I will continue to make suggestions to you that I feel will benefit the children. If you choose to consider it planning your time, that is your option.<p>• However, you choose to try to control my time by demanding that I feed them or not feed them certain things, with zero accountability for what you choose to feed them. They were led to believe that I was a bad person for giving them Lunchables, which they practically begged for and rarely get. They were given beef and chocolate for dinner, in addition to other candies which led to S vomiting violently, and then you demand that I stop giving them Pop-Tarts for breakfast on occasion or you will take me to court.<p>• You want to control where they go for day care, yet I have no say in who or what you use for day care. This is incredible, and without merit. Again, you want to control my time. Not the other way around.<p>• You claim to Friend of the Court that you don't receive all of S's school papers, when in reality I took it upon myself to go well above and beyond the call of duty to be sure you have access to everything that comes home from school each week by organizing and filing all homework and newsletters in a three ring binder.<p>• D has been extremely upset on several occasions by your mother's comments, specifically regarding playing dress-up. Telling D that she is bad for wearing nail polish or colored hair gel is emotionally abusive. Telling her that Mommy is bad for letting her wear these things is parental alienation. I will not tolerate it. You have the option of washing it off when she's at your house if you so choose, but you do not have the option of hurting D emotionally for playing dress-up.<p>• When I have seen you in public, I have gone out of my way to enable the children to go to you and say hello and give hugs. I have a report from child care that when D went to give her cousin a hug, you yanked her away by the arm. This is intolerable. S told me that you don't like my sister and my niece. Your feelings for my friends and family members should not be allowed to affect the children's relationship with those people. You have the right to feel however you like, but you should not place the children in a position where they feel they have to take sides, or worry that they will hurt someone's feelings by telling them the truth about how they feel about another person. That only hurts the child.<p>
I have offered extra parenting time for you in an attempt to seek cooperation and model a courteous, flexible attitude. My attempts have been in vain. Do not expect this level of consideration from me to continue if you are not willing to extend the same.<p>I would like you to be involved in the children's lives as much as possible, including time with them above and beyond what is allowed in the order, but I will not offer it until I have seen a marked change in your demeanor, and an improvement in how the children act when they return home. You claim that house rules and expectations for behavior are the same, but the way the children act toward each other and me on their return suggests otherwise. I will not tolerate one being favored over the other. I will not tolerate parental alienation in any form. I will not tolerate emotional abuse or manipulation. You will show me respect in their presence, and in my absence.<p>xPB<p>[ June 09, 2002: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</p>

XPB,<p>Have you sent this letter?<p>If you haven't I think you should let MBers help you redo it because that letter, even if it's true and it felt good to vent, will only start a war.<p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA

I haven't ... and probably won't ... there is NO dealing with this man ... I want so much for him to just open his (#*@$^* eyes

I will probably just change it from "I"'s and "you"'s and send it to Friend of the Court ...<p>[ June 09, 2002: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</p>

Ex-PB,<p>In some states, if the parents cannot agree or coorperate or communicate, then the courts will give custody to one or the other parent. My Ex is the SAME way with the kids with regard to their time and I will go crazy if I have to put up with this for the rest of my life, so I'm going to have to try for sole custody or at least domiciliary custody. <p>Are you taping your conversations with him for evidence? If not, do so. His behavior is not reasonable or normal, and others will back you up on this. Get out your copy of Joint Custody With A Jerk until you can get to court.<p>His actions sound like you need to take him back to court - and this time make sure that you get what you want and no more misses nice gal! K

We have joint legal and I have primary physical custody. He has the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday evening during the school year, every other week during the summer with a midweek overnight for the other parent, and two non-consecutive uninterrupted summer weeks. Also every other holiday, every other birthday, every other Spring Break, etc. Pretty standard I think.<p>He is oblivious to the fact that he's a control freak and every time I mention him trying to control me, he counters that I have been the controlling one this whole time. That's his perception of everything - anyone's fault but his own.

You took the words right out of my mouth......<p>The only thing to do is to try and take yourself out of the picture as much as possible and when you want something of ExH try to get someone else to ask him somehow - like it was recommended that my pediatrician tell my ExH what baby food to give baby so that ExH wouldn't think that I was trying to control things. I hate having to play this game. Just do what you need to do for the sake of the kids - and don't think that seeing him is in their best interest either. Do what you need to do for you to be sane and happy and then that will make it better for the kids. <p>My prayers are with you. K

{{{{{exPB}}}}}}}}<p>I really feel for you. Since I don't have kids, I feel somewhat unqualified to attempt any assistance, but why let details stop me, eh? exPB, it's obvious to me that you're reasonable, rational, flexible, and a good mother. The main "criticism" I have of your letter is it's written as though a reasonable, rational person will be your audience. This is a letter to your EX! Do you consider your ex to be reasonable and rational? (exPB stamps her foot in indignation. Not!) I thought so. Moving right along. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My letter to Sir Sc^m Bucket would read as follows:
dear S Bucket,
I have contemplated your request for a letter giving examples of flexibility in our child care arrangements. Here is my list:
&#8226; I am allowing you six weeks out of eleven this summer vacation, which is more than the 50% required. <p>&#8226; I allowed you six weeks out of eleven last year as well, which is more than the 50% required. <p>&#8226; I allowed you first choice of your two weeks of uninterrupted parenting time even though it is my year to choose first. <p>&#8226; I allowed you to change your dates a month after the deadline, despite the hardship this caused in child care arrangements.<p>&#8226; Last summer I picked up the kids at 8:00pm instead of 6:00pm, giving you two extra hours on many occasions. <p>&#8226; I allowed XMIL to pick up the children before your parenting time began, which saved you driving time and gave you more time with the kids. I have a letter from the Friend of the Court specifically stating this is not required. <p>&#8226; I created a 3-ring binder containing all of S's school papers to accommodate your request that you have access to all homework and newsletters from school. <p>&#8226; When I have seen you in public, I have gone out of my way to enable the children to go to you and say hello and give hugs. <p>&#8226; I have offered extra parenting time for you in attempts to seek cooperation and model a courteous, flexible attitude. <p>Oh, pardon me, I just realized that you want me to describe how YOU'VE been flexible in our child care arrangements! If I manage to think of any examples, I'll gladly provide supporting documentation. As a matter of fact, I have loads of documentation here which needs to be presented to the court. Keeping the court apprised of our dealings is not a pleasant matter for me, and I thank you for the proper motivation to bring our documentation up to date. Having reviewed the court's custody papers, I will modify my future behavior to match the court's decree more precisely. Should you need any clarification on our custody papers, please address your concerns to the Friend of the Court. I will give them a complete update by June 14.
<hr></blockquote><p>I'm taking a wild guess that you even *have* an obligation to the court for periodic updates. The nature of my revisions revolve solely around keeping the focus on you. Perhaps that's not realistic when your xmil is giving candy not once but twice that makes your son throw up. In any case, it seems like your words to your ex are an exercise in futility. Perhaps informing the court of these matters is less futile. <p>As for your efforts to be flexible, well, you ARE flexible. You don't need him to validate your flexibility. I'm a flexible person too, and for a while my H drained every last drop that I posessed. Fortunately, it's a replenishable resource. It's part of who and what and how I am. Each and every time I extend flexibility to my H, yes, I still crave to hear a word of appreciation. I still feel disappointment when I receive criticism (or nothing) as my reward. I have times when I'll be flexible no matter what. Other times, I want flexibility from him if he's going to get any from me. It *should* be a two-way street! I look at it this way... if I give a gift, there should be no strings attached. If I'm negotiating, I want something in return. Sometimes flexibility is a negotiated item, and sometimes it's a gift. I can't quite tell what your motivation is for being flexible. If your flexibility isn't bringing you joy, you need to look at what's getting in the way. Receiving flexibility from your ex in return is apparently an unrealistic expectation.

Oh, LH, I love your version of the letter to XH!!<p>I've rewritten this for Friend of the Court as I am fairly certain that anything I say to XH is going to pass right through (like giving raisins to a two-year-old, accompanying visual unavailable)<p>Here is my post on EN looking for help editing.<p>Thanks!

All the mean things X is saying about me is only hurting our son who is 13. X plans have backfired, when we go for the appeal he wants to tell the judge he doesnt want to see his dad anymore he has had enought of all the bad talk from both X & his mom about me. I told our lawyer to leave it every sun like the temp. order was. I still want my X to be part of our sons life but he needs to get his life together. I believe X is not happy with his new life with MOW and it doesnt help that we are happy & making it without him. I did tell X that Im the head of this household now not him. He blew up over that statement.