I had to do a very hard thing today. My wife took a job 45 minutes away in the same town where her family lives. We are currently in the process of divorce and she leased an apartment yesterday for her and the kids. I went by our house to drop daughter off and they were packing the car with stuff getting ready to go let kids see the apt. It hurts sooo bad to see the person you love so much leaving for someplace else. I helped them put stuff in the car while thinking the whole time I would give anything in the world to be going with them.
I have worked soo hard the past 6 months doing things to improve my life so if God graces me with the chance to have a relationship with my wife in the future she will have the all around husband she deserves. I pray everyday for my wife and kids. I pray everyday that God will someday put us back together. I pray everyday that God will show my wife what is in my heart and how much I have worked to improve myself for her. <p>I am praying everyday for everyone in marriage builders that God will show us the direction we should go and give us the strength to persevere.<p>Love in Christ<p>cajunky

Cajunky,<p>I "hear" your pain in your post.<p>NOTHING about any of this is any good, it ALL stinks. <p>This is exactly WHY God HATES DIVORCE. Ripping and tearing families apart and the resultant pain was NOT in His plan for His people.<p>I'm so sorry for your pain. God WILL repay your faithfulness. Don't lose hope. That was the message from my pastor yesterday. The title of it, and the message. DOn'T LOSE HOPE.<p>God Bless you.

Cajunky,

It is by far a "pain" that cannot be desrcibed.

If you feel like I do... that you wish that none of it ever happened, and how do I make it all go away. "I want my family back!!!!!

Put your faith in the Lord, and keep praying.

Put it in the Lord's hands and try to take care of yourself, (which is sometimes easier said than done).

If you haven't prayed for your W yet. Then include her in your prayers.

"If only we could make things better", was the Church sermon that I heard this Sunday. It was said, "in some caese it's out of our hands to steer things in the direction that we would like things to go. We have to give it to the Lord. Put God first in your life, and allow him to lead your path.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I have put my total faith in God to restore my marriage. This has definitly ripped my family apart. My mom cries just as much as I do because she was so close to my wife. I know God will reward my faithfullness but I think he is really testing my faith right now.<p> Wallace....you are right. I pray everyday for my wife and I cry out to GodPLEASE GIVE ME MY WIFE AND FAMILY BACK!!!! My dad told me this morning that he thought deep in his heart my wife and I would be back together sometime. He sees how much I love her and he loves her too.<p> I have totally put it in Gods hands but it is just real hard to see things that aren't what you want to happen but I know he has the ultimate plan and I must wait on him

I can only sit here and shake my head back and forth at how much hurt there is and how much I unfortunately know that hurt. And then nod up and down as to the fact that I know where you are when you pray to have your family and marriage restored. <p>It is a horrible place. I have prayed for you and your situation. I know your pain and you and I are unfortunately doing all we can by praying. <p>I have begun to read a new book - the power of a praying husband. It is a great book pick it up at a christian bookstore, you will get a lot out of it.<p>John

Cajunky I have to be honest with you I too felt that I could not live without my wife and kids and when my wife cheated on me it hurt so bad that I thought I was in no way going to make it without my Family. I cried out to God every day and asked him to please show me how to get my family back I prayed night and day. Its been over a year now for me and I am now divorced as of march of this year. I have 2 kids a boy that is 15 and a girl that is 9 my son now lives with me and my prayers now have changed I now pray to God that I can be the best father for my kids.
I guess what I am trying to say is there is a point that we have to find the strength to let go it is the most difficult thing to do but it is something that needs to be done. Be strong for your kids time will heal your broken heart.<p>Carl

John....I have the book "Power of a Praying Husband". My wife knows I Pray for her and kids everyday several times a day. She also knows I pray about us and the restoration of my marriage.<p> Carl....I will never give up on my marriage. We had such a great marriage before my affairs. I am working so hard to make myself a better person for her. I guess I could give up but then I have let satan have the victory and he already has broken my family apart so I'll be darn if I am giving it all to him.<p> Keeping it in Gods hands!!<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky

Cajunky I know what your saying but at some point if your wife does not want to reconcile you do and will have to move on we have no choice.
Can I ask why you had affairs if you had such a great marriage?

I have asked myself that same question. They were very bad choices on my part. The first was a neighbor who more or less seduced(lack of a better word) me and I liked the attention and I made the wrong choice. I think the second PA was a time when I was having some EN's not being met. Again I made the choice that ended up being the worst choice of my life. Both were one time things. That doesn't make my choice less hurtful to my wife but what I am saying is there was no emotional attachment. I have since learned I am a Sex Addict and I am currently in a sexaholics group getting help.<p> Please keep me in your prayers as I really want my marriage back and my family.<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

I am worried for your stbx wife, are you going to be able to leave her alone if she decides she cannot take the risk of being with you again? Legally and morally she does have every right to a divorce, even the Bible allows it in the case of infidelity. Yes, some marriages can recover but many can't. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your behaviour might have driven her away and her love for you is gone.<p> I'm sorry if I'm a bit harsh but as a former BS I can't describe the pain that goes with it, your stbxw has had to deal with it more than once and it may have been too much for her to take. It's very, very painful.<p> I'm glad you're realizing you have a problem but please do not push her right now. She's more than likely still hurting from the betrayl and if you push she will run. Just let go and see what happens. Work on yourself first, before even thinking about trying to reconcile.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: Nduli2 ]</p>

Thanks nduli....I am giving her space. I am trying to help her all I can without crowding her to much. I tell her I love her all the time just to reasure her that my love for her has not diminished one bit. I know she is hurting a whole lot and it will take a long time for her to ever trust me again but I will always be trying to regain her trust because she means sooo much to me. <p> I will always try and be there for her when she needs a helping hand and when she needs a shoulder to cry on. I want to be the guy who she comes home to tired and I make her feel better by making her laugh or by tucking her in for a nap.<p> Hopefully in due time all this will come true again.<p>
Love in christ<p> cajunky

cajunky,<p>I'm going to try to relate to you on both sides of the issue here.<p>First, I am going to relate to you from the BS's point of view... because that is what I am.<p>My STBXW did some horrible things during the last 2-1/2 years of my M, which I just recently found out about.<p>Do I still love her in spite of what she did.
Yes I do. I also have forgiven her for what she has done.
Do I want her to move back to our home, with me and my children, and resume our M.
No I don't.<p>Do you want to know why?<p>Because of the intense pain it has brought to myself and my family.<p>It will take a very long time to heal those wounds, for those wounds cut very deeply.
In my case though, to make matters worse, it appears she is not one bit remorseful, try that one on for size?
So you have just compounded my situation. <p>So I know your pain very, very, well.<p>I filed for D, which is something I felt that I had to do, in order to ease the pain once and for all.<p>If my STBXW came back to me today, it would take years to repair the damage done, and that's if everything went just about perfect.<p>Now I will try to relate to you from a H and father's standpoint.<p>I want my family back!<p>I do, but I know that the family I knew, will never, ever, be the same family that I once had.<p>I would love to have my family back, and I wish that my STBXW would come to her senses, and try to put our marriage back together. But it appears that is not to be.<p>That is why I put it in Gods hands. The damage that has been done, cannot be solved by me or anyone else on this Planet... it's that devastating.<p>My point being, is through the power of prayer and faith in the Lord, all things are possible.<p>Do I think I will get my W back. I would say, only if it's God's will. I believe the same will hold true for you.<p>Take care of yourself, through God and the power of prayer, and never give up on your faith, no matter what happens. <p>In time the pain will ease and go away, it's hard for you and I to understand that now. but I'm certain that it will.<p>Be patient my friend, keep praying, and let the Lord lead your path.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace

Wallace....I pray for our broken marriages everyday. <p> Do you think you would have a different attitude toward your wife coming back home to you if you knew she was remorseful? If you knew for a fact she was really trying to work on herself so it would not happen again? If she was at MB studying and reading to try and know the BS pain so she would not put you through that again?<p> I agree with you that the wounds are deeeeep and take a long time to heal. I think when the WS comes to there senses and really studies(coming to MB, reading, etc.) what they have done then it becomes a whole different ballgame because the WS then becomes active in the recovery and really works on his/her self to try and improve the things that caused the A to begin with.<p> I am still praying for my marriage everyday. I know it won't be the same but it can still be a great loving marriage with Gods hand in it.<p>
Love in Christ<p> Cajunky<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Cajunky I personally think your being obbsesive the decision lies in your X's hand and if she does not want to take that chance again you have to let go and just be the best father that you can. I know that you would do anything to get your X back but you need to focus on your children now and allow your X the room to figure out what she wants. You can still have a good life with or without your X. Your children are counting on you.
If you love your X let her go and if she returns then it was always meant to be.
Be strong for yourself and your children<p>Carl

cajunky,

To answer your question about letting my W back into my life as well as my childrens, if she truly was remorseful and followed MB's principals, with a heavy emphasis on putting the Lord first in her life.
I would consider it, but from a distance. I would not welcome her with open arms, until she showed my family that she was changed... not changing... but changed.

However, I don't forsee that happening anytime soon, if ever.

I would love to see her a changed person. This is not the same person I married, and gave my vows to.
I don't know who this person is, nor do I want to.

You cannot have a marriage made up of one person... it just doesn't work.

What I'm trying to say,is that you need to stay the course and work on you. Become the best person you can. Pray, and put God first in your life. If the Lord wants to reunite you with your W, then I am sure it will happen. Then and only then, can you truly work on your M. If the Lord chooses you to take a different path, then he will lead you down the path he wants you to take. The Lord does not want to cause you pain, always remember that. He will have a better life for you to lead if it is his will and you allow him to lead you. Be not of the flesh... be of the spirit.

Carl brings up a few good points.

Allow your W to do what she is doing. Give her the space to do it, even when you know in your heart it's wrong. But pray for her to allow God to come into her heart, while this is all going on.

While all this is going on, you need to work on you. Prepare yourself through the Lord, no matter what the outcome, be it good or bad.

I would also do a hard Plan B, with your W. If she knows she can come back to you at anytime, she may just run this thing for everything it's worth... making your pain last even longer. Try not being so available for her. In fact, try going on with your life without her for awhile... just give it a try, as hard as I know that is going to be for you.
You might be surprised of the outcome.

I know how you feel, and I wish that I could take your pain away. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions... I know in the last 2 months, I have had to make the toughest decisions I have ever made in my life.

You as well, may be faced with those very same decisions. They will be hard to make, but you will know in your heart, that they may have to be made.

I pray that the outcome for your M is that you and your W reunite.

If it is God's will, then so it will be.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I just don't know if I can let her go. I feel like I need to start from square one and start dating her all over again and get to know her all over again just like we never knew each other. <p> Wallace ...you mentioned plan B'ing her. I'm just afraid that if I stop contact with her that it would be like the old saying "Out of site out of mind." I guess deep down I feel like she would really like to put our family back together just like I would. I feel if I can at least keep contact with her that this is the only way she will see the changes I have made within the last 6 months plus I just enjoy talking to her. I have worked so hard at improving myself in all areas that I don't know of any other way to show her how much I love her.<p> I don't feel like I am crowding her but I want to be back in her life so bad. I dreamed the other nite that we were walking down the street and I reach out and she grabbed my hand for the first time again. I woke up with the happiest feeling and thought- that will be the greatest day when she just holds my hand again.<p> I am only doing things that I feel God lays on my heart. I pray about every decision I make that concerns her. <p> Thanks for the prayers and I pray that God will restore all our marriages.<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky

cajunky.

You may very well need to start back at square one. If you stop and think about it, it wouldn't be all that bad.
If you think what the alternatives are (not being with her at all). Square one might be just the place you need to begin. In fact it might even make things better than they were before.
Why not start out fresh? Leave the garbage from your past behind you and try starting out with a clean slate.

It's good to hear that you are allowing God to lead your way on this.

I know also how much you want your W back. The dreams, the daily thoughts about them, I understand what you are feeling and going through.

You will know in your heart the path that you are taking, and what the outcome will be.

Let the Lord lead your way on this. Try not to be too available to your W, as hard as I know that is for you. I'm not saying you need to cease all contact, but maybe a modified Plan A/B might suit your situation.

I've been including you in my prayers.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace....I think you are exactly right about starting out from square one. It would be so good to have fresh new good memories. Let me tell you how I think God is working this out. My wife took the job in her hometown which is a bout 45 minutes away(not that bad of a drive). It happens to be her dream job and she feels like a queen there. She is so good at what she does(Nurse Practioner). I know God put this job in front of her at this particular time. She got to get away from the town that brought back bad memories and we are selling our house which was full of triggers about the affairs(neighborhood too). It is allowing her to leave the garbage in another town and make new memories. I was thinking tonite that it would be soo cool to be back with my wife and family starting brand new memories with them in a totally different town.<p> We ate dinner together tonite with my parents(we were always a close family) and I think she had as good a time as she could have had. It really made me want her back for the good times we used to have together.<p> Your advice about not being to available for her at this time is really hard. I know I need to give her the space she needs to decide if she wants to put our marriage back together but she really needs me to help her out with the move and a lot of little details(servicing of car, moving furniture, etc). I guess I just need to be there for her and try and take care of her needs as best I can and let God work out the rest in his time. Your right, it is very hard for me to just sit back and wait when I love her so much and I want to be there every minute for her to take care of her and to nurture her on a daily basis.<p> I appreciate your input because I sometimes want to rush God to show me what he has planned. I have total faith that God is going to restore my marriage but I just have to be patient with God( sometimes easier said than done)<p> Keeping the faith in God so he can work through my wife and I.<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Cajunky,<p>It brings a smile to my face to hear that your day went well, and you had an enjoyable time with your W.
You sound positive today, and that my friend is good. I think if you maintain that positive attitude you will find that it will help you in your goals.<p>One thing though, you can't rush God. Let the Lord work in his own time frame... do not interfer with that.<p>Do the things that you feel God has put into your heart to do for your wife. Don't do the things you want to do in order to rush things along. If you do, you may find your positive attitude laying by the wayside.<p>Put your trust in the Lord to see you through this. If it is his will for you and your W to reconcile you will. I've seen some amazing things through the power of the Lord, so no matter what happens, let God lead your way through out your life.<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace