Well, this weekend I found out for sure and when my xh is getting married. I saw it in the paper, with his and her picture. Thought I could handle this better but I am not doing so well at all. It makes it worse that this is the ow that he left me and our children for. We have only been divorced since January '02 and he sent me an email in February saying they were talking about getting married. All I keep thinking of is my children. I am hurting but I am really concerned for them. They are 6 & 2, so young to be in the middle of all of this. I really don't believe they know about their dad getting married because they haven't said anything at all to me about it, they tell me everything (my 6 yr old does, willingly) about their visit. It is hard to hear some of it but at least I know what is going on when they aren't with me. <p>The thing is, they are getting married on my weekend and I made plans back in April for me and my children to go out of town. How do I approach this? My xh never bothered to tell me anything and still hasn't said a word to me about the wedding and my children possibly being involved in it. This is the weekend of my birthday, I have made the reservations, bought the tickets and everything. I was given an awesome opportunity for a mini-vacation and I took it. Now what? I haven't told my xh about this yet, I was going to wait till it got closer just to advise him out of courtesy that me and the children will be out of town that weekend. I honestly don't feel that I should have to cancel my plans. Any advice?<p>I am really disgusted about all of this. I don't like the other woman, I hate her being around my children, I hate my children being around her and her family, I hate all contact these strangers have with my children. I feel that all of these people have endorsed the affair that my xh and her had and it all makes me sick. I don't know how I am going to handle this. I very limited contact with this ow. I have told my xh in the past that I can't be around her and he knows that. I am not ready to share my children's activities with this woman and their special events. These are my children!!!! Not hers!!!! <p>I don't know if I should approach my children about their father getting married or if I should let their father do this or what. I honestly don't think I am at all ready to discuss any of this with my xh. I am not ready to get into an argument with him. It never fails, he always takes something out of context that I say. I don't send him email because I never know if he will take something the wrong way. I really need limited contact with my xh, very limited contact, and I don't know how to even begin to do this. Now that he is getting married I am totally disgusted with him, angry, very hurt. I see him as a liar, dishonest person, and I don't respect him in any way, shape or form. How do I set my boundaries? I have to have boundaries now more than ever. To see him, to hear his voice, to hear his name, makes me so angry and disgusted! I can't bear this anymore. I was doing so good and I absolutely will not let him do this to me. I have to fight this, I have to get through this stronger than before.<p>Any advice?<p>Kathy

(((((Kathy)))))<p>Sorry to hear about this. It must have been difficult seeing their photo in the paper. I find it so funny (ironicly so) when people get married so soon after a divorce, they have just proven that they don't take vows seriously - so why make them again? They are acting so foolish.... (my XH did the same....) <p>About your holiday - don't cancel, but inform him (even via email) that you will be out of town during this weekend. You don't need to tell him you know that he is getting married this weekend. Just tell him and see what his response is. Maybe he purposefully did it on 'your' weekend with the children, maybe he isn't ready to tell them. It should be him telling them, unless you feel it would be better coming from you? But don't include this in the mail about your holiday. In a separate mail (spaced maybe a couple of days a part) explain to him that you know that he is getting married, and ask him if he has explained this to the children or should you. <p>You will get through this too...<p>Love and care
Pantha

Hi AM, Sorry to see you go through this, if exh left out of betrayal and A's, don't worry this marriage is just a Sandcastle, he and her are just playing house.....<p>I had a friend of mine 2 weeks ago ask me about a dilima he was in. He married an older woman when he was younger and now that the woman is close to 50 and he in his 30's he's now wanting out of the marriage because he said she's starting to look like an old lady and cranky [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I said hey man you can't divorce someone just because of age. He's starting to notice women in there late 20's and 30's are eye balling him since he's worked out. Anyway I told him he's stuck and have to endure.<p>Now I'm saying older women aren't beautiful they are some look younger than there age, but he's calling his wife now his senior now because of his age and he's unhappy.<p>I asked him what made you get involved with an woman that much older in the first place? his answer: [It was just a sex thing he needed at the time] and she was lonely the two meet needs for the moment now he says he's now grown beyond that aspect of life. I said sorry, endure....

Kathy,
Oh I so feel for you right now! My exh has already married his OW and they live 4 blocks away. I Thought I was doing well with the divorce until I heard about his remarriage (from my daughter) and then all the hatred and yes, disgust for him resurfaced. I felt like he had literally no respect for me or for the marriage we had for 13 years. I came to this website to deal with those feelings.
It has been 4 months now since they have married and some of the intense negative feelings I have for him (and her) have slowly started to ebb. His behavior just reinforced the reasons I divorced him and announced to the world that he was a cheater.
I think you should take your trip, but do notify him about the date. It is his responsibilty to inform you about his upcoming marriage. He knew in advance it was not his weekend with the kids, right? If you didn't already have plans and hadn't spent money then I would say bite the bullet and let the kids go-he is still their father even though he is lost in the fog
I KNOW how hard this is for you right now and, like me, you are probably feeling humiliated with very low self-esteem. You will get through this and the kind people at MB's will help. I will be thinking about you today. Take care- Lisa

AM,
I wouldn't inform him about the trip before HE informs you about the wedding (in fact plans for kids, if he has some). It's your weekend so he obviously planned the wedding on this day on purpose. Let him make a move!
My exH married OW 5 months after divorce and a month before she gave birth to their son. Me and girls were not informed by anyone untill we read a notice in loval paper (a month after wedding). Till today he never spoke a word about the wedding with our daughters (20 and 12), or with me, he doesn't wear a ring, she didn't change her name-does that seem like a very nice base for the marriage?
Let him make you know about wedding-do not mention you saw the announcment. Wait a bit-maybe even don't mention this to the kids.
Hang on, and be aware that you'll be hurt that day no matter what you feel for him (or do't feel), but that will pass.
D

I agree with the other responses about not mentioning anything about your plans to be out of town with the kids. You don't owe him any explanation or agenda. It is your weekend and you should just proceed with your plans.
The only thing I would mention to him is that you know about the wedding and you are wondering how he is planning to communicate this information to the children.

Kathy,<p>Ugh. <p>e-mail him a brief note about your plans. (By the way, how much in the future is the happy event?) <p>If he's planned the wedding for a weekend you are scheduled to have the kids, here's the silver lining: he is probably not planning to have them attend the wedding or have the 6 year old in the wedding party. Were he to do that, it would be necessary for YOU to also be present to support the 6 year old. It would certainly be wrong to expect the new "bride" to support her affair partner/new groom's young child through an event that points out that the child's family is now broken and that Mommy and Daddy are not together for him/her and will not be getting back together in the future.<p>If he hasn't told the children, consider yourself blessed. They won't have to endure the horror of Daddy's wedding to his affair partner and witness the end of hope for an intact family.<p>Finally, what chutzpah - an engagement picture in the paper. Again, ugh. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

for a start, maybe people could start calling so-called "marriages" between betrayers and OM/OW something else. IMO, they are not marriages. They've proven that they are incapable of maintaining a life time commitment, so they shouldn't get the priviledge of using that word again to describe their adulterous liason. Let's think of something else to call their idiotic promise. Hey, start a trend. Trick is, it has to sound semi-respectful (they are still human beings after all) and not like sour grapes, yet acknowledges the fact that they broke previous vows to be with this new person. <p>I'll start. My suggestion would be to call it a "good intentions" ceremony, cause really, their promise is little more than good intentions (and maybe that is a bit too generous). They aren't "married", they are "intended". They aren't getting married, they are "legalizing their relationship". The new wife/husband is not referred to as such either. They would be the significant other, partner, or something else. If I had kids, that is how I'd refer to such an event. I would explain to them that a real marriage is a sacred vow that is made for life and that title should be reserved for people who can honor that promise--it's not a revolving door.<p>[ June 15, 2002: Message edited by: TheStudent ]</p>

I agree with you, TheStudent. But moreover, the two have shown they have no honor, regard or respect for marriage, or any pseudo relationship that may resemble it. <p>I liked the "Intended" suggestion, yet, if you think about it, at one point they "intentionally" sabbatoged their previous marriage. So for me the term is too generous and not quite on the mark.<p>I suggest it be called an "Affair-based Union".<p>Doesn't leave too much to the imagination of how they came together, and what their chances are of remaining that way.<p>Jo