changed my mind..............GIIC, I lit two candles for you at my local parish church.<p>God Bless,
and goodnight<p>c++<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</p>

Heard a great line in church Sunday.<p>"God is not a vending machine."<p>You can't tell him what you want/need and expect it to instantly be delivered. He is there with more strength and comfort than with the stuff we ask for. Think what he did for Solomon.

cinderella:<p>Hi....thanks for your reply. I really do not expect him to be a vending machine. ummmmmmmmmmmm<p>got some Grace....feel better now.....sorry for before..................if you read the previous iteration of this post.<p>c++<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</p>

bump this sucker up.

up you go!

Ok. Ok. Ok. <p>I've been trying to find the time to respond to your other post again, but you beat me to it.<p>However, now that I finally got this message, I'm now dying to know what it said before it got edited........<p>Hey cinderella - the candles really do help! Well, at least the local church gets some money, and notice how it lures people into the church building......coincidence? I think not.<p>Anyway, thanks c++_guy for sending the prayers this way - and am sending some right back atcha!<p>Looks like you knew something I didn't because I really needed them this am when we had to transfer the kids. I am handling myself so well around him now - not letting him control me or my emotions - I think that wiftty and I have him pegged with Borderline Personality traits or antisocial disorder - although I call it just plain mean with a little bit of crazy and nasty mixed in. Kind of like something snapped in the moral conscience area of his pscyhe and is forever injured. <p>So, did your wife ever attend any of the services? I don't know if it's harder with or without kids to go through this. I would have tried to Plan A alot longer if the circumstances were different. The affairs really do die - for the most part - and then many spouses choose to return. <p>However, I'm now making some great revelations about annulments and their meaning. <p>I remember reading posts by others on this board talking about how they've been able to move on and how they have a great life now after the divorce, and I remember thinking that I don't want to be live those people - feeling ok, being able to move on etc. because that would mean that I would have to face the reality of divorce and all the emotions and religious questions that went with it. And, for someone who is a death do you part kind of gal, I just got the annulment papers to fill out.<p>Turns out that even though God and I are keeping our covenants, no one, not even God, can make ExH keep his, and unfortunately, for all the prayers, ExH keeps sinking deeper and deeper into the hole that he's dug. <p>I used to just think that I wouldn't succumb to those human failings and I would never even think about asking for an annulment because in my mind I couldn't think of a single reason why the church would grant me one according to the conditions that they look for. However, I can't prevent or stop ExH from succumbing. It turns out that God will release you from your marriage if the other person won't keep their covenant - oh and the fact that ExH has always had a propensity for affairs, which I just didn't want to see, doesn't hurt either. So bottom line, ExH needs to make some personal changes in his life that I can't help him with.<p>I'm really not looking for a way out of the marriage, and would wait forever for ExH - if that was what God had planned for me. But I'm beginning to think that maybe God has a different plan. I keep saying that I want to be obedient to God, and not disobedient like ExH, but if I really want to practice what I preach, then I maybe I need to be following the lead I've been given even though it's really hard. <p>I guess I'm just thick headed, but it's taken me now 10 months to realize that ExH does not want to be married to me and maybe God wants me to get the picture and move on to the better things that he has in store. I kept saying that this is not fair to the kids - and it's not, but maybe the kids will be better off this way. Maybe I'll meet someone who will be an incredible father to the kids and an amazing husband and show the kids what a marriage and family should really be like -not like what we had or like what ExH and OW are trying to have.<p>Like I said, not my original choice, I prefer the family with the parents of the children actually married, but who am I to argue with the man upstairs. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] And I can honsestly say to myself and the kids that I did all I could to save the marriage.<p>So actually, I'm really in a much much better place now. I'm happy - except for when I have to deal with ExH. And I can see a light(the candle?), however faint, at the end of the tunnel.<p>And to top it all off, I went to see Champions on Ice - the touring show with all of the Olympic ice skaters - and I got to sit in the front row!<p>So life is actually looking ok. Still not looking forward to the impending court battles with ExH - and continuing struggles over the baby - but that is another post.<p>c++_guy - I hope that thinks are - or will soon start to look up for you. My hope for you is that you take all these tragedies in your life and work through them, with God, so that you come out with a better relationship with Him and a better understanding of yourself and God's plan for you. Sometimes it's hard to see one's own potentional, and I see lots of potentional in you. It's ok to be in a funk right now - but come up for air every once in a while because you really have alot to offer others.<p>The hardest thing for me to grasp was that my plan for my life was not necessarily God's plan for my life, and for once, I like having someone else in control - especially God, because He can handle anything. And with God's help - and lots of prayers, I am being led in the right direction and through the valley. Not without tears and pain and suffering, but with the grace to bear it. <p>I do think my name change was divinely led, because I still have to remind myself that GIIC, and pretty much keep telling myself to give the reins back to God, even daily, hourly, when I find myself trying to take back the control.<p>Didn't mean to unload all this.... but I feel even better now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The key is really to put God first and everything else does fall in line. <p>Take care of yourself and give us another update on the status of the M and how you are deaing with it.<p>Prayer Changes Things. Even if the things changed are different that what we had in mind.<p>Going to be now. Have a fun time on the ferry - he kids love to ride the ferry by our home. Of course if it's a job, it's probably not quiteas fun to risde then if you're a kids, but enjoy it while it lasts - you won't be dong it forever - no matter what you might think - unless of course you choose to. <p>Thanks for the prayers. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] (I'm in a cool mood) K

Well, now I know that the candles worked. Found out today that ExH is engaged. Actually, I knoew they would get married - at least if I was him I would - I mean why go through the motions of divorcing your spouses just to date.<p>And I know that the candles worked because I don't feel upset or distraught. I actually feel relieved, although I'm not too excited about the example he is showing our children - our marriage isn't even annulled yet - I just got the papers two weeks ago?!?!? ACtually, I think that's what did it. He knows that he's going to be released and it justifies what he's doing in his mind. He's sick.<p>I never would have admitted it when we got married - or I neve would have married him, although something inside me always knew that something wasn't quite right. He did give me the undying devotion that I see so many other husbands give their wives. He never really wanted to get to know the real me - he was more interested in the basics - I was just there to provide a pretty face, clean house, have the kids, be his secretary and have sex with him. All of which sounds like what you're supposed to do as a wife, but it seemed like he could have had anybody with a pretty face do what I did - he didn't need "me" as a person. And I need someone who doesn't take me for granted like that.<p>Through all this I have discovered what an incredible person I am and ExH frankly doesn't deserve me - at least right now.<p>Yes, I'm in a I am woman mood, but it feels good to get out of the BS fog and see things for how they really are and not how I wish they would be.<p>I was also surpirsed that you had a [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] by my name because lately I haven't been sad. I've been more [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] and [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>It also makes me value the people on this site even more because they are obviously all
[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] too because they are bright and caring enough to be here and work to try and save their marriages whether their WS's appreciate it or not. <p>That's why doing the Plans actually work - the BSs do go one to be incredibly wonderful people and if the WSs don't join them then they keep going down the road of self destruction. It's sad, but true, and we have to leave them in God's hands.<p>Remember - it's taken me 10 months to get here to these realizations. So, what do you think? Am I selling out? <p>I'm not closed to what GOd has in store, and you never know what will happen - maybe WH will wake up one day and come back - but until then, I am woman - hear me roar!<p>I am sending some of these good vibes up your way! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] No more [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] over ExH - over the the marriage that was lost, yes, but over ExH - no!<p>Take your own time when making your own discoveries and I know that everything will turn out just smashing for you too! <p>If God is for us, who can be against us? We just don't get to know the plan in advance. That's one of the good things about having kids. It teaches you about how God loves us as a Father - you realize that you will do anything for your kids, but sometimes you say no - or not yet - for their benefit because it will wither hurt them (like if you stop them from eating too much candy so they don't get sick) - or you know that there is something better in store for them if they can just wait a little while. The kids are disappointed in the short term, but overall much happier in the long run.<p>I really don't expect that you would have read all this - it's one of my faults - I talk way too much - that's an attorney for ya! and I'm working on listening more, but I just had to get this all out.<p>I hope you had a simply marvelous day and that tomorrow is even better! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] K<p>See, things aren't all that bad on this board!!!!!

5 minutes to 6 AM...tired.on my way to work......will reply tonight.........have a great day K!

GIIC: You have said everything I have been feeling. I found out two weeks ago that the OW is pregnant. I received D papers yesterday. My H left me for the OW in Jan 02. He broke up with OW in April 02 then she tells him she's pregnant. I prayed and prayed that H would come back to me. But, I now believe what you said, this is not God's plan for me. He has something better for me, I truly believe that. I believe God has a wonderful plan for you too. I have now found a wonderful peace. Getting the D papers yesterday was almost a relief. I can now really begin to heal. Good luck and keep praying.

Dear God is in Control:<p>
I read and re-read your post and I agree very much:
"Through all this I have discovered what an incredible person I am and ExH frankly doesn't deserve me - at least right now."<p>"It also makes me value the people on this site even more because they are obviously all
[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] too because they are bright and caring enough to be here and work to try and save their marriages whether their WS's appreciate it or not. "<p>GIIC: This is exactly why I continue to lurk here. And I "talk" too much too when I get on the keyboard. At MB we get to know the essence and the minds of other MB'ers, some incredibly giving and good people.<p>
"That's why doing the Plans actually work - the BSs do go one to be incredibly wonderful people and if the WSs don't join them then they keep going down the road of self destruction."<p>Well said. For my part, Plan A the last year or so has been work on myself, and I'm much healthier and stronger than I was before D day and in the years after it.<p>"Remember - it's taken me 10 months to get here to these realizations. So, what do you think? Am I selling out?"<p>In no way are you selling out. Your name says it. You have no power to dictate your husband's actions. He made choices and denied his marriage and betrayed his family. You're not selling out. You're accepting what is. And you're handing your life over to God's Will.<p>Selling out? You fought like a lioness! You went into his family's home and lay down on their floor with your newborn to sleep in order to be with your children. You suffered the humiliation of being thrown out of the place where his parents (shame on them) chose to support their son and his slut over his lawful wife and their newborn granddaughter. You did more than 99 percent of women would be expected to do. <p>You taught your children that the duty of a mother is to protect her helpless children and to stand for what's right. <p>I won't go on and on about that - but I will say it's one of the most courageous things I've ever heard of. You aren't a sellout. Your husband doesn't deserve a lioness. He has settled for an alleycat.<p>"If God is for us, who can be against us?"<p>New Testament? St. Paul to the Corinthians? I love that one.<p>One of the best things about my own situation is that it was so horrible that I turned to God and He has given me so much.<p>Bless you, GIIC.

Thanks Belle..... I needed that. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] K

Wow, I am in tears reading this thread. GIIC, you put down on these boards what I am feeling but have not known how to express them. <p>Belle, I love the domestic goddess part. You sound like you have been around here a little while?<p>God Bless,<p>D.

So, c++_guy - did you fall off the ferry boat?? <p>I hope not. Don't forget to check back in when you have a second. <p>And the fact that you aren't posting better mean that you are having a simply fambulous time in the real world! K

Well, K:<p>I am having a better time this week than last. Things are coming together will all deliberate speed....read slowly!.<p>I am getting finances together and I know that I have a handle on the software project I have been stalling on for three months.<p>As for the ferry...sometimes I wonder how the world actually works. I meet some fairly screwy people on the boat. I do not like the job but I do it because I must. The bills are getting paid and I feel good having a job to go to.<p>Please let me know how you are doing.<p>
Prayers to you,
c++

c++_guy -<p>So did the prayers work? <p>Have you ever thought that maybe you have this ferry job so that you can spend some time learning that new computer language and working on your new software job? Do you think that maybe God is letting you have a break from a hectic stressful job by letting you have a job that you don't have to really put too many braincells into, so that you can use your time to read, reflect, pray, and work on yourself and others in order to help you get through this trying time in your life?<p>Right after I found out about the A, I was put on bed rest for the pregnancy for about 2 weeks - which was scary, but it was something that I really needed. It forced me to spend time to read and pray and get myself together spiritually and emotionally for what happened and for what was to come.<p>I also believe that I needed a little fine tuning myself when it came to my relationship with God, and God loved me enough to give me the wake up call that I needed - it was like He was saying - remember Me? it's time to invest some time and effort into our relationship. Everything that happened, has happened at the absolutely right time, and it's only in hindsight that I can see how God was working.<p>I believe that God "lets" things happen for a reason. I also believe that He will work with us in whatever situation life finds us in. It just seems to me that there is a reason that you have the job you do and are at the place where you are at.<p>Maybe this is God reaching out to you, and is waiting to see how you respond - and it sounds like you're on the right track. Of course God hate divorce and doesn't want us to suffer, but He uses all things for good. So even if ExS's "ruin" everybody's life through the use of their free will. God will find a wasy to help us through it, and turn the bad situation into good one.<p>And even when you think God isn't working - He is and even if you think the situation is bad you continue to keep the faith.<p>I choose not to look too far down the road because you never know what will happen in the future. <p>This has been an expecially hellish week - but I see God working every step of the way.<p>Don't lose faith - even when you don't feel like it - pray, ask God for thoses graces to endure the suffering, and HE will always send some your way. And think of all the goodness you can bring to those you meet at the job.<p>I can see lots of blessings and good reasons for your new job. I hope you do too. K