From "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant.<p>You've got to know when to let go. Pg 197.<p>All relationships have the same basic components: people, needs and expectations. Try as we may to keep the needs and the expectations stuff in order, we usually get so cuahgt up in them that the pure essence of the relationship is lost to what we think we should be doing and what we expect should be done. Sometimes the needs are very real. Other times they are not. Sometimes the expectations are based in solid reality. In most cases they are not. Sometimes the expectations of having needs met are placed upon us. At other times we place them upon ourselves. What we fail to realize before it is much too late is that when love is the foundation of the relationships, all needs adn expectations are met without any effort on our part.<p>No matter how horrible you have been told you are, don't believe it! No matter how bad you think you are, have courage. No matter what is going on around you, stand your ground. No matter what happens in your relationships, take hold of yourself. No matter what you get in return for the love you give, know that you are protected. Divinely protected. As long as you stand for love, with love, refusing to allow "self" to be lost in the search for love, you will be just fine. You cannot lose in love. Nothing you do can make someone who loves you, really loves you, stop loving you. They may get anry with you. They may be disappointed in or with you. Thats about THEIR needs and expectations. It is not about love. The more love you give, the more love you will receive. It may not always look like that, but it is the absolute truth. You may not get it from those to whom you give it - just know that you will, no, you must get it. Love is always returned to those who give it freely and courageously, without strings or expectations.<p>Guilt, shame, anger, fear, and resentment are not the outgrowths of a loving relationship. They are a function of the conditions we place on ourselves and the people we love. When you find yourself in either of these places as a result of your love experiences, you are being provided with the opportunity to make the shift from conditional to unconditional love. Your level of mental, emotional, and spiritual development in response to your love relationships can serve as a springboard to even greater development and the unfolding of a grander, greater, more noble you. Making the shift enables you to realize that you don't have to be guilty, or hurt, you don't have to be ashamed or angry, you don't have to be resentful or alone, all you have to do is love YOU and all others the best you know how. You do not have to prove your love,norshould you ask others to prove theirs. When you do, you are asking to relive the same experiences, learn the same lessons, walk through the same terrain you have already traveled. Until we grasp the concept that love asks for nothing, we will do the same thing over and over. This is not a very spiritual enlightening thing to do. <p>Surrender and detatchment are tow spiritual household clenasers that bring us closer to the experience of love. Surrender, the act of conciously admitting what we can and cannot do, keeps us from assuming false responsibilities and from doing things which are detrimental to our own well being. So often in relationships, we want be all, do all, give all, when we know it is impossible. We are trying to prove our love. We are making a desperate attempt to prove we are worthy to be loved. The key here is to surrender every thought, belief, idea that you are unlovable. When you are lovable you are required to do nothing. Just be. The path to this realization is detatchment. Detach from all of the conditions you have placed on yourself. There is nothing you must do. There is nothing you must have. There is nothing you must be. You are ALL right now. Anything you think you must be, do, or have to make yourself more deserving of love is like a ring in the bathtub - it must be removed.

AgainstTheWind,

It's a interesting post, but I'm not sure if love is all you have to do in this day and age.

I'm having a hard time grasping some of the statements made. I agree with most, but some...
I might be looking at it from the wrong angle.

The statement,

"you can't lose in love"

I'm having a hard time with that one.

I'll reread it again.

Wallace

My quick take: an interesting mix of wisdom and garbage...

Just putting it out there for viewing - not trying to enforce any belief [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>Some of it about detatching is helping me cause I have reached that point in this marriage vs. divorce runaround. I have come to think for myself that there is a lesson to be learned in all this pain somewhere, that if there ever is a next time I will be wiser, or if H gets a major concussion & comes to his senses [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Of course that would be an expectation!! I think some of what she says about needs is true.<p>My H has been unwilling in every aspect of our marriage to show any interest or concern. . NOTHING! So I am needing to force myself to let go. Though he has hurt me beyond belief mentally & emotionally, I still care and still feel love for him. My friends think I am crazy! and sometime I feel that way when around them. But I like to think maybe I would have no conditions anymore, no expectations of him returning my love. Just being me. I find that slightly calming that I could be allowed to not feel guilty for loving someone who has changed very much & treated me badly this last yr. If I have no expectations from him, I wont be hurt. <p>I am not saying he can do what he wants and I'll be there. Just that I will take as muc time as I need to sort out my own thoughts & feelings and what direction I would like my life to go in order to be healthy. Its okay for people not to agree, but some who are as lost and very alone as I have been, may find comfort in that we did the best we could and its okay to let go.

AgainstThe Wind,<p>I didn't mean any disrespect, hope I didn't give you that impression.<p>It's a good post, I was just having a hard time trying to grasp what the writer was really trying to say.<p>It did have some very valid points.<p>Thanks for posting it, I do understand your intent.<p>I did want to add one more thing. I truly respect your feelings in regards to your personal post. I for one share much of your same views as well.
Waiting and wanting a M that is in total ruins, but not being able to turn back to remedy the M.<p>Am I crazy for feeling that way? I may very well be. <p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Oh, . .no, I didn't read it as disrespect.<p>I am working so hard to set myself free emotionally, to be the person I should be. I have felt so uselss, used up, down etc & am tired of it. H is still at home. But I want to be at that place where I can move on and attract the right kind of friends etc. if he does go through with moving out & divorcing me again. <p>I have seen references to a book called "One Dharma" that says similar things about detatching & letting go. I guess it stems from a Buddist philosophy. I think even one of the members on these boards has mentioned that book before?<p>I am desperatelly trying to pull my head off of dangling on my feet! Trying to brainwash myself into any point of view that might help me!! ANd that I am not crazy for still having feelings for H though he has treated me SO badly this last year. Trying to convince myself that I will be okay, no matter what. My family members are deceased and the only few friends I have may in the future end up moving far away & that scares me. I prefer to be surrounded by friends. I can be alone with myself from time to time, but it sure is nice to pick up the phone, yack & make some plan. I desperately need something to look forwards to. I am also an only child = no siblings. Sometimes, I feel like I am on the outside looking in on my life & I feel helpless. I HATE that!

AgainstTheWind,

If you can find a way to fully let go, please let me know.

I'm having a very hard time letting go myself. In fact for me it is a daily fight.
I'm doing O.K. (I think?) with everything else... it's just the letting go of what was or could of been, that is the hard part.

It's nice to have friends around when your feeling down. Sometimes that isn't always the case... it's those days that I dread, so I can relate to your feelings on that.

Keep me posted on anything, and I do mean anything that you come across that will help relieve the mind of all this pain.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Bumping for GodIsInControl