My mom has a problem.<P>My wife is very sensitive to favoritism. She grew up with a mom who favored her sister (still does). My parents cannot seem to treat me and my wife equally. They always buy me bigger gifts, they will do things if it would be benefit ME. But, if my wife were to request something, then it just isn't convenient for them. Oh, they always have excuses for why they do what they do and maybe they even believe there own stories. But it's as plain as day to me, and my marraige is suffering.<P>I've explained this to them on a few occasions and a few weeks ago I made it very clear to them that this was a problem and asked them to try working on it. Yet today, they did it again.<P>My marraige is in deep trouble for many reasons including my inability to deal with this problem. But I don't know what else to do besides cut them out of our lives completely. My life would certainly be more peaceful if I did that. But I was hoping that my parents would see the light and we could become closer. I don't want to have to cut them out. I don't want my parents to die with this wedge between us. But if I must choose where the wedge must be, it cannot be between me and my wife. And that's where it is right now.<P>Today was the last straw. And I am about to call them and cut them out of our lives. But I thought I'd get some input from other Christians before taking such drastic measures.<P>Here are the details of today's fiasco. My wife and I are separated and my parents have been planning to take my daughter on a trip to disneyland for her 4th birthday. My mom e-mailed me a week ago and said that she hope's W can go but if W's not going to be able to have fun then I'd rather she stayed home. My response to her was that we could all have fun no matter what W's attitude was. That this was an important event in her daughter's life and I wanted her to be there for it for the benefit of both my W and my daughter.<P>My mom e-mailed back saying that she really did want my W to go. That she would feel an emptyness and miss her if she couldn't go.<P>Today, my W tells me that she requested that my parents change the date of the vacation to be one week later so that she could go on the trip. My wife has an important class which has finals that week and she can't miss it. My W said that my mom wouldn't change the plans because my parents wanted the trip to be as close to my daughters birthday as possible so that my daughter would associate it with her birthday.<P>I am 99 percent sure that if I requested the vacation to be moved back a week, they would move heaven and earth to accomodate me.<P>I am thinking of sending an e-mail to my parents stating that I won't be able to go that week either. Tell them something very important has come up at work and I just can't go but the following week would work out great. Then see if they change the date for me and then if they do, then do something drastic.<P>One option I've been considering is to cancel the trip with them completely and take my daughter without them at a time when my W can go.<P>The other option is cutting them out of our lives completely until ....???<P>Any other ideas?

hopeful,<P>I guess I would tell them that if w can't go, then none of you are going. I wouldn't start lying to your parents.<P>Your w gave them a reasonable excuse for moving the trip and besides your child is 4. She will always remember the "trip" for her birthday.<P>I would stick to your guns here. It sounds like your parents maybe a little controling. So they need to know you and your w are a team here.<P>Bob

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

There is a really good book that you might find helpful in dealing with your parents. It's called Boundaries.<P>You should not allow your daughter to go to disneyland without your wife, or you for that matter. Disneyland is a magical place and parents ought to be there with their kids. Going without either you or your wife is innappropriate usurping of parental privilege by the grandparents. <P>There will be other times over the years to take your girl. This particular date is not worth wrecking your marriage over. And it's not worth your wife losing a college degree over either. It's just an ammusement park, for chriss sake.<P>Tell your parents to back off.

There is a really good book that you might find helpful in dealing with your parents. It's called Boundaries.<P>You should not allow your daughter to go to disneyland without your wife, or you for that matter. Disneyland is a magical place and parents ought to be there with their kids. Going without either you or your wife is innappropriate usurping of parental privilege by the grandparents. <P>There will be other times over the years to take your girl. This particular date is not worth wrecking your marriage over. And it's not worth your wife losing a college degree over either. It's just an ammusement park, for chriss sake.<P>Tell your parents to back off.

Guilt,<P>Is that Boundries book good? My counselor lent me this book but I never read it.<P>Bob

I agree with telling them that no one goes if your wife doesn't go. I have many times been on the recieving end of the mother-in-law abuse and I can assure you that if you are thoughtful enough to take a stand for your wife, she will appreciate it. As you said this issue is distructive to your marriage and may be more so than you realize. Nobody wants to be an outcast. However, be careful you don't let yourself be so harsh that you destroy your relationship with your parents, it will leave you with feelings of resentment for your wife, this may be the situation with my husband, though he won't discuss it with me right now, so don't let yourself get into my situation. Good luck!

Bob,<BR>Yes Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is an excellent book. It has really helped me and my family.<P>It gives the biblical basis of setting limits. This is extremely useful when dealing with people you care about but are mistreating you or your family in some way--in-laws often fall into this catagory. <P>I highly recommend it.<BR>Guilty1

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopefull_1:<BR>[B]My mom has a problem.<P>My wife is very sensitive to favoritism. She grew up with a mom who favored her sister (still does). My parents cannot seem to treat me and my wife equally. They always buy me bigger gifts, they will do things if it would be benefit ME. But, if my wife were to request something, then it just isn't convenient for them. Oh, they always have excuses for why they do what they do and maybe they even believe there own stories. But it's as plain as day to me, and my marraige is suffering.<BR>/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"A man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....."<P>I'll say this again, even though it's a very unpopular statement: Children are born to leave home. Children are not supposed to be tied to their parents for the rest of their lives. They are supposed to be respectful, honoring their parents, being kind, compassionate, all those wonderful things. But as soon as a man and woman marry, they form a union..... ONE, a union, a new life, a new beginning. The man then becomes the head of his own household and the woman his helpmate, lover, mother of THEIR children, and the circle starts again.<P>You chose your wife to be your life. Your parents are not to be honored and respected, but not put before your marriage. <P>Maybe you could start a conversation about our mother's mother-in-law while you are all present in a room eating or cooking or sitting together in the yard. Ask her what she thought of her, how she treated your mother, your father, their children, etc. Was there anything she did that used to annoy her or make her uncomfortable. Ask your mother how she handled her own mother-in-law under those circumstances, and then follow suit! If it worked for her, it may work for you.<P>As for the upcoming event, you're the head of your house and your decisions about this situation affect not only your marriage, but how your children see your role in the family. If it seems to your children and wife that it's more important to you to please your mother than to be husband and father to them, then they, very well, will learn that your role in their lives, your WORD and your influence doesn't carry much weight. That's not a good thing.<BR>

No doubt you're getting good advice but I'd like to add something I recently told my mother. Don't dance around the subject....be kind and gentle but tell them exactly what they need to know in order to make things right. Esp isn't usually successful but being honest and not leaving any guessing is always a good approach.

Hi there! I would like to say I'm sorry for you're situation, but I understand this whole situation, going thru it right now. I've gotten to the point where I don't care because Tamahome (my husband) won't say anything to his parents about it. I hope you will for you wife's sake. Take care! <P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Oh yeah, THANKS EVERYBODY FOR REPLIES!!!:) Very much appreciated!:)

something about a man leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife?...<BR>must decide who is more important, then stick with that decision.