Well it looks like I will be on this board from now on. Had the conversation with the W last night and she is dead set on eventual divorce. She says that she wants to pay down some bills and get financially secure before the divorce is finalized. That we can live together for the time being as roommates. I have been plan A ing my best and she say that she notices the changes in me which makes it even harder for her to divorce me. She even made the comment that she loves me , just not like a wife should, meaning SF. This is going to be difficult as I do not want this, but am slowly coming to terms with the fact that divorce is inevitable. I am not sure how I feel right now except that I feel like I have failed as a father and husband. I used to be on the Pregnancy board as the W had twins by OM. She says that she does not want to break me financially, but I do not trust her. I wonder if it was her master plan to have me accept the twins for a period of time just to end up making me pay for them with CS. I just wanted to vent a little thanks for taking the time to listen.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.<p>If you don't mind my asking-how old are the twins?<p>I am sure you love them very much or you wouldn't be there. <p>There is a window of opportunity regarding cs. If that time has passed, then you can inform her that you plan on fighting for 50/50 custody. Let her bring it up with the courts that they are not biologically yours.<p>I hope I am not sounding to harsh at such a hard time for you, I just want you to know that there are options.<p>Melissa

Try another tact. In my case, communication broke down. We entered counseling together after filing to improve communication. H has made little progress, but in your case, if there's hope, maybe the counselor can help.<p>PS. We went to this counselor specifically because he administers the "prepare/enrich" tests and we wanted to see if we were still (not ever) compatible. Maybe you can find one too.

The twins are 3and 1/2. The wife sadi she would not ask for CS for them, but I don't know that a lawyer would not convince her otherwise. She says her intentions are not to break me financially. She wants to have a freindly divorce as she says that she loves me. I tried counseling and she went twice. The first time she went the counselor asked her to give me some time to see if the changes I made will return her love for me. The second session months later after I had been going alone was to tell me infornt of the counselor that the marriage was done. I tried to make the marriage work but I guess theat there was so much water under the bridge nothing I did mattered. She sees no reason to see a counselor since her mind is made up.

Hmmmm, your past the window of opportunity (2 years), I think I would be leary of her "I don't want to break you financially" statement. If she doesn't plan on asking for cs then how else could she break you financially? If she wants a friendly divorce, then you two could split everything pretty much down the middle, so her comment alone would worry me. I'm sure you love her but now is the time to look out for yourself and protect yourself financially, at this point and time you can't trust her. She could very well say she doesn't want cs, all the way up to the day you go to court and then tell the judge she changed her mind, she'll get her cs. Is your name on birth certificate? If not, then you may not have to worry about it. How do you feel about these children? Is there bio dad around? If you have bonded with them, this is going to be hard emotionally. You must protect yourself first and any future children you may have. What state are you in.<p>Melissa

Melissa,
Yes I have bonded with the twins, this whole thing is killing me, My wieght ahs fluctuated +/- 10lbs monthly. She told me she was not going to ask me to pay for the twins, but who knows what she is going to do, only she does. The wierd thing about it is that we sleep sleep together and she hugs and spoons with me every night. She tells me she loves me and is semi-affectionate too. That leaves me real confused. No don't get me wrong I like the affection, but it is confusing me totally. What is your take on a woman that says she loves you , but is not in love with you, wants a divorce and still sleeps and hugs her husband. Is she confused or am I?

bump

Humbleone,

I thought I might chime in if you don't mind.

I've been following your posts, and I too want to express my sorrow that you are in the situation you find yourself in.

All is not over with yet!

You still have contact with her, which leaves room for communication between you and her, and that is a plus in your favor.

Stop beating yourself into the ground... yes your in one hell of a mess, but I believe you can turn it around.

First, you need to get some of your respect back as well as self confidence. Get it back quickly (easier said than done),and start projecting your worth while you are still with her.
Stay with your Plan A, but do it, not as a doormat, but as a person with confidence.

What are her interests? What does she enjoy doing? If you know, then try to initiate communication with her that can have you both doing it together. If you don't know the answer to those questions, then you had better find out.

You have kids, Take her out away from the kids for awhile... dinner, movie... anything. That is something that most mothers look foward to... getting away from the kids and spending quality time with the person they can communicate with.

The key word here is COMMUNICATE!

Hang in there, it's not over until you say it's over.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks Wallace,
I am doing the plan A thing to the best of my ability. Sometimes I feel like a doormat and other times I do not. It is hard to be upbeat when you know divorce is looming. I am trying though. As far a sher interests, she likes to hunt for arrowheads on our property. I try to watch the wee ones while she does this. Another thing she likes to do is pick Blackberries, We have loads of them all over our 13 acres. I pray allot that my efforts will change her mind, but I am a realist in the fact that once she has made up her mind it is a done deal. I am also trying to take care of myself, but it is hard to do things while depressed. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Humbleone,

I know how you are feeling, I'm there with you, make no mistake about it.

If she likes to look for arrow heads and pick berries, then you need to find a way to become active with her in that.

Whatever obstacles that are keeping you from doing it, find a solution to it, and become an active part of her life.

I know all about the deprssion part of it. Give it to God, and let him deal with that part of it. Quit try direct the traffic, let God lead your way.

Anything can be overcome, if you want it bad enough. Regardless of her statements, you can be the person she loved and married again, you just have to keep working it.

I know it can be hard, and it wears you down, but think what your options are here.

How bad do you want your M?

I know how hard it is to try to recover from a M that is in total shambles and trying to put it back to square one again.

I know, because I'm living it right now as I speak!

I haven't given up yet, so please don't give up on your situation either.

Stay Strong!

Wallace<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Wallace ]</p>

Thanks Wallace,
Your words are comforting. I want my marriage and I want my family to stay intact,no qualms about it. I sometime wonder if I am overdoing it with the plan A. I used to rarely give her back rubs, now I do it often. I know she see's that I am trying, but I just hope and pray it is not to late. i pray to god daily about her and us. I don't expect a miracle but one can hope. Even if my marriage does not work out, at least I will know in my heart that I made the changes and gave it my best shot. Do yu think I should wait to get an attorney until she files on me? I feel if I get an attorney that she will think I have given up on the marriage.

Humbleone,<p>I would not think of getting an attorney, unless you are completely prepared to go through with a D.<p>Do not, I repeat, do not, even make a move in that direction unless you are 100% committed to following through with it. Do not use it as bluff, it could blow up in your face.<p>I would only think about getting an attorney at this point, if your W serves you papers for a D. You can prepare for that, if you feel she is actually going to go through with it. But I would not initiate the D.<p>If you sometimes feel your smothering your W, then you probably are. Go with your gut feel when using Plan A. You will be able to see what is working and what is not.<p>Keep up with your Prayers to the Lord. Let him lead your way... put the Lord first... everything else will come in it's on time.<p>Never lose your faith, even when things get to it's darkest moment.<p>I handed my M over to the lord, only he can restore it to the spiritual aspect that it should be. If it is his will... so it shall be.<p>Never give up!<p>Stay Strong!<p>Wallace