For the divorced or separated men,
Did any of you go through a period where you could not communicate with your wife? Where you perceived any comment or written note as offensive? If so, how did you get past this blockage? I really need help in getting through to my H. We're in communication counseling to aid in dealing with the kids & the D, but I'm shocked at his inability to hear a word I say. (PS This is confirmed by the counselor).
Example: "The lawyers will handle it", to which the counselor said "what does that teach your children when you run to the lawyers to settle disputes?"
"The judge will decide custody". He refuses to propose anything beyond his full custody (when I've been caretaker 90% of the time).
Help me get through this Blockage.<p>Thanks.

Newly,<p>All I can offer is that at your stage of the game, there is a lot of posturing that goes on. I had a very rough time in that I was basically fighting to keep my XW from removing my then 4 y.o. daughter far far away. I was dealing with a lot of deceit, a ton of disrespect, and the loss of a family that in her words was "not unhappy".<p>I would be willing to bet that your STBXH perceives your actions in some weird way as a challenge to his manhood, so naturally he will be in a defensive mode. I can tell you that "delivery" of a communication is very important (tone of voice, etc..). My XW continues to speak disrespectfully to me, basically calling all the shots and sending the type of message that is "conform or else"!<p>Don't know if this helps at all, but i think the pre-decision posturing has a lot to do with your situation.<p>Jay

I too feel like my WH is not willing to communicate with me on any subject. I have sent a couple of e-mails to him outlining finances, childs visitation and such and no response. The last e-mail that I received from him was in response to my e-mail giving consent to the DV that he is requesting. In both of our e-mails we stressed that we wanted to keep things civil and his even stated that he didn't want to involve a Lawyer in this. He was famous for taking things out of context and when I made a request he always turned it around (even in front of Counselor) that I was demanding him to do it. Why can't they move past this. I'm the BS and he acts like I'm that one that is causing this to happen. Yes, I still love him and I didn't really want the DV but realized that he isn't the man that I married and I don't want the man that he has become. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Newly,<p>My XW started the DV with a lot of drama and telling everybody that she was afraid of me. After temporary orders were in place she will yell and scream at me for nothing. This attitude continued for at least 4 months until my boundaries started to work against it. I won&#8217;t allow any loud tone of voice, screaming or any mistreatment. If anything like that happens I, very decently, hang up the phone or walk away.<p>After those four months she started to talk about being more civil and trying to work on a friendly relationship for the kid&#8217;s benefit. She changed the tactics because she was getting nothing from me with the aggressive/rude attitude. <p>Nowadays we just communicate by email, by phone if it is an emergency, and it is 100% about the kid&#8217;s. We can&#8217;t communicate effectively since she always wants everything to work at her convenience and penalizes me with trying to block or interfere with my visitation schedule. Unfortunately, for the whole time, she has been using the kids as game pieces.<p>It was me who started to block any opportunity to see each other or any unnecessary communication. It is not that I am implementing the Plan B, but because I realized that it is over for good and to protect my emotional health. So far, so good. Thanks to God and the Plan C (as Davepr once describe it) I have foiled some emotional manipulation schemes designed to ask for something in return. <p>Summarizing, every time we talk it is only about her and to her convenience. Honestly, a friendly parental relationship with my XW would not be possible while this selfish behavior reigns.

Thanks Catamount & IWC,<p>"Summarizing, every time we talk it is only about her and to her convenience. "
I know my H believes this also. But could it be that having an established schedule is also in the kids and everyone's best interest? We have no formal schedule except that he has the kids on Tues & Thursday overnights. I've tried on numerous occasions to get him to agree to a calendar, but he refuses. So it's Thursday and I don't know when he wants the kids this weekend. I'm assuming on Sunday, but if I make plans on Saturday he might take the kids. It's bizarre.
I can't get him to schedule one week ahead, and he's given me no plans for the summer. My girls want more stability. I don't know what they tell their father, but they always ask if I can have them on daddy's nights. They don't want to go. And I'm not putting words in their mouths. It's sad.
He refuses e-mail (doesn't know how to work it), so personal or phone conversation is the only way. I've tried to establish boundaries, but as before he just ignores them.

newly - <p>I'm faced with the same problem with my ExH. I hate to say it, but for now it might be better to have a mediator or go to court to set a schedule. <p>All the counselors say that the kids need stability at this time, and of course stability is the last thing the other spouse wants to give because they are in selfish mode and think what they want is right for everyone else. WRONG!<p>I am weary of the battle that is raging right now in my life butif I do not take the initiative and set up a meeting or set some boundaries, then ExH just does whatever he wants. He can't get it through his head that we're not married and I'm not his beck and call girl even though we have children together.<p>A monthly schedule helps, but ExH still wants to make changes(when it's convenient for him) and doesn't have any set times for transfer, so I'm in the same boat as you as far as the kids wanting to know where the are going and what they can do. <p>I have resigned myself that since ExH can't control himself, I have to find someone or something that can control him, which looks like the court system. I don't relish the thought, but it's best for the kids. <p>Once we get everything spelled out, all we will have to do is follow it and then it takes the negotiating out of our hands.<p>My biggest problem right now is that ExH doesn't want to transfer kids at a neutral site(he won't promise not to sexually harass me or physically harm me, so I can't meet him alone), and he he thinks he should be able to call me whenever. NOT!<p>So, while we are playing his little childish games, he is missing out on spending time with his most precious daughter because I can't trust that he'll bring her back to me. I feel like I'm in hell - isn't life fun?<p>Anyway, maybe you can have your H sit with his children and the kids can have their own calendars and your H can tell them when he is going to see them(do this monthly) and then they can all write it in their calendars together. It can be a fun dad thing to do. Then he knows they know and maybe he'll be responsible to them. If not, just make your calendar for the month, give it to him, allow him a few days for changes and then say what is on the calendar goes unless he gives you notice and even then if you have something planned you don't have to agree to the change. That's reasonable enoung for anyone and if you have to go before a court, you can tell them that this is what you did and how H just wouldn't work with you.<p>Anyway, that's what I'm doing. Good luck. K

Thanks K,
I'm followed your story for a while too. Since you're through the courts, I would've thought things would be settled.
I tried the calendar thing, but he assumes I'm trying to control him. By not agreeing in advance, he's withholding - another form of control.
We were thrown out of mediation in February - she told us to get a counselor to work on communication, and now he's blocked in counseling. He said "the lawyers will handle it", "the judge will decide custody". At least the counselor knows this is not good, but H still doesn't get it.
I can't plan anything this summer because I don't know when I'll have the kids. I notified him of a week I'm planning to take the kids on vacation, and I'm still worried he'll try to stop me - even though I gave him 3 months notice. (We never went on vacation as a family, just short weekends when I could drag him).
It's so sad. I love my girls so much and can't give them the stability they need right now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by newly:
<strong>Thanks Catamount & IWC,<p>"Summarizing, every time we talk it is only about her and to her convenience. "
I know my H believes this also. But could it be that having an established schedule is also in the kids and everyone's best interest? We have no formal schedule except that he has the kids on Tues & Thursday overnights. I've tried on numerous occasions to get him to agree to a calendar, but he refuses. So it's Thursday and I don't know when he wants the kids this weekend. I'm assuming on Sunday, but if I make plans on Saturday he might take the kids. It's bizarre.
I can't get him to schedule one week ahead, and he's given me no plans for the summer. My girls want more stability. I don't know what they tell their father, but they always ask if I can have them on daddy's nights. They don't want to go. And I'm not putting words in their mouths. It's sad.
He refuses e-mail (doesn't know how to work it), so personal or phone conversation is the only way. I've tried to establish boundaries, but as before he just ignores them.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Then he is trying to control your life and the girls.<p>I hate to suggest this but I see no choice but to start getting hardnosed with him until he starts acting like an adult. Get your attorney involved so he can petitioned the courts at least a temporary visitation schedule and stick with it. If he tries to break it, call the police and the chances are that he will start complying with it.<p>It is sad but unfortunate that there are individuals - men AND women - that need the issue forced on them before they start acting like adults. I hope I am wrong but your stbxh sure sounds like one of these people.<p>Good luck.

Bump - still looking for comments.

Hi Newly,<p>Question for you; does your H show any interest in trying to save this marriage? If he doesn't SHOW it, has he ever said anything (and I know he doesn't say much) that would lead you to believe that he would like to keep your family together?<p>I know these are tough questions. I have been praying for you and for him (and ofcourse your girls).<p>JB

Thanks Catamount.
Early on he said he wanted it to work out (after I got fixed mentally). But he really showed no effort toward fixing it. He found a marriage counselor - who sent me to Anger Management counseling. When I wasn't comfortable with that counselor, he said he'd find a counselor, never did. I offered two types of indepth counseling - one an MB seminar and another locally - and he refused both, in the witness of a mediator.
My counselor finally forced me to see that he's a liar, he says one thing and does another. Just by saying he wanted to work on the M, then he was done. But then, he never took responsibility for anything.<p>I learned alot in IC and in group last night about him and communication. I never saw the extent of the problem and because he always projected it on me, I think I began to believe I was the problem. Now, I fully accept blame about my communication faux pas, but realize it wasn't all my fault.
Acknowledging I was in denial the whole time was a big step for me. I've learned so much in the past 5 months, and have so much more to learn.<p>I enjoyed meeting you last week. It is nice to connect with other people in this horrible situation. Did you discuss the Tuesday visitations with your brother, or the possibility of Thursday visits so you can have 3 nights on some weeks. I hope it works out.
Take Care.