My H and I have decided to get the big D, but I am not sure how I feel about it. I think that it is probably for the best, but I have my doubts. Not only that, but I am scared. At first my H said that he would take care of me and our two children, but when I asked him for enough financial support to allow us to keep the house and pay the bills on the house, he freaked. He says that he won't just keep paying the bills for us, while he suffers. I don't expect him to suffer, I am just asking for a little extra financial help while I finish my college degree and until I get a better paying job, right now he makes 3 times my salary as a secretary. I don't know how we are going to survive. I can't afford the house without his money, but there aren't a lot of other places to live that are much cheaper without living in the straight up ghetto. I pray that God will make a way for us, or soften my H heart to help us. He won't even take any responsibility for the credit card bills, because he says he didn't make them, so he shouldn't have to pay for them. I can't afford a lawyer, so I don't know how to fight for what I feel I deserve. We have been married for almost 12 years and he is military and I have always had to travel with him and haven't been able to finish my education or hold down a good paying job for any length of time due to his military moves. I need advice and help. Please....

I am plan A'ing with my H, but when a thread catch my eye, I read it. I usually hang out in emotions or infidelity.<p>Sorry to hear about your M. You will hear from those who have already been through what you are going through. What I am including is things I have heard about from friends who have gone through a Divorce.<p>
You should check with your local legal aid. Also, depending upon the state you live in, it is possible you might get alimony, temporary or permanent along with the child support. As far as the bills go, such as credit card debt, this also depends upon the state you live in, he may be responsible for part of it????. A friend of mine, even though she didn't make the charges, she had to pay 1/2 because her name was on the card. So, even though he refuses, it all depends upon what the courts decide. You will also get child support if your children are minors. <p>The amount of the support varies from state to state.

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. It's scary, but you'll be ok.<p>There are other military people here on this board and on the GQII board who can probably give you specific advice. It seems from what I've read that you have a wide variety of options.<p>First, make sure that you have a good support system for you while you are going through this. Also, remember that in a divorce you are no longer looking out for your husband or the marriage, you are looking out for you and the children. Husbands will promise you the world, but unless you get it in writing then you don't get it. I know that you say you can't afford an attorney, but you will need the professional advice of an attorney to protect yourself. The steps that you take today will affect the financial support that you receive for the rest of your life, and you don't want to miss out on support because you are trying to be nice or want to use his attorney to save money or something like that. Many attorneys will give a free initial consultation and sometimes the local bar association will have a service where you can get advice from attorneys for a reduced fee.<p>I hope that soem of the military people will speak up - and if not, do another post specifically addressing the military link you have and you may get some better advice.<p>Also, start saving money now for the future if you can. <p>K

My H and I have decided to get the big D, but I am not sure how I feel about it. I think that it is probably for the best, but I have my doubts.
Probably for the best? For who? You/hubby? Definitely NOT for your children!<p>It is probably the worst thing you could do for your children.<p>Why a divorce? Affairs? Whos idea?<p>As long as you are married and he is in the military, he is legally obligated (by the military) to take care of you/kids financially.<p>If a divorce gets final (& I very highly recommend against it) you would be entitled to a portion of his military retirement since you were married to him for more than 10 years.<p>I can't afford a lawyer, so I don't know how to fight for what I feel I deserve.
He can probably be held responsible for your legal bills in a divorce.<p>[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Thanks for all the encouragement. I have an update. I have hired a lawyer and she is drawing up the paperwork. I found out that my husband has been receiving phone calls almost everyday from another woman. He has moved to El Paso and the kids and I are still in the Ft. Hood area, but she is here too and calling him almost everyday long distance. I confronted him about it and he claims that they are just friends, but I don't belive him. He has cheated on me a few times before and I am just tired of being played a fool. I love him and want to keep my family together and do the Lords will, but I just can't keep letting him treat me this way. We have both been unfaithful, me once and him at least 3 times that I know of, and I have tried to hang in there, but I have come to the sad realization that I don't think anything can save our marriage and as scary as it seems to me, it is the only thing to do now. I am just upset about his relationship (what ever it is) with this other woman. I have called her and left messages asking her to call me, so I can ask her what her relationship is with my husband, but she refuses to call back, so that fuels my feelings that there is something between them that she doesn't want me to know. He says that he has known her for a long time, but never mentioned her, nor did she ever call him like this until they spent time together in a deployment to Korea for a year. After their return from Korea, suddenly they are such good friends calling each other (really it is her calling him all the time). Anyway, I know I must divorce him,because I cannot forgive him yet again, but I am still scared and saddened by the whole situation.

Thank you all for your support. This is a hard thing to live through.

Godsgirl1,

Welcome to this board but sorry for the circumstances. You may feel right now that there is no hope for saving you marriage, and you may be right, but you may also be wrong. What I mean is that there are many who have gone through the same thing, that have followed the MB principles and are in recovery now.

God lead you to the right place. Please read everything you can on this website, and if you can get the MB books (some libraries have them) You may also want to post in general questions as there is more traffic there and there is a mixture of folks, some M, some Dv, some separated, but all actively seeking to apply the MB principles in their lives.

You may also feel right now that to preserve your dignity, that you need to get a dv. Don't listen to that, you can't make another person do ANYTHING, don't let his actions affect your self worth and self esteem. Those were his choices.

As you will see on these boards, most if not all of the WS's say "WE ARE JUST FRIENDS" I know it's hard to hear, and I truly don't know in your W
h's situation it is, but it sounds awful fishy.

My WH told my he and OW2 were just friends and when I asked about her, that it was irrevelent!!!
He's been WITH her now for almost a year and they are NOT JUST FRIENDS. A part of us wants to believe them, yet a part wants to know the truth. It's probably the hardest experience I 've ever gone through.

It was suggested to me early on not to make any major changes for at least 6 months, and preferably 1 year or more. That has been sound advice for me. Also, I am grateful that I have done the MB principles, I know that I have done everything in my power to save my M. God expects nothing less of me. I ask for his guidence daily and He never fails me. It's rough, it's painfull but with Him, it will all work out.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ July 13, 2002, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Thank you Willgethruthis. I appreciate your sharing with me. Things are getting worse between me and the H, but I know that with God I can do all things. I can and will get through this with Gods help and the support of caring wonderful people like you. God Bless you and just keep me in your prayers.

Godsgirl1,

Have you read my post here on bigamy?

The reason I bring this up is that I am investigating the issues that are related to your situation. Think that I and some others here can help you find your way through this. Could you email me.. zorweb@hotmail.com and I'll start passing on what I've been learning.

There are resources at your disposal. You can get an attorney. Your can get childsupport, retirement pay, etc. And his pay can be garnished to ensure that you get what is rightfully yours and the children's.

The case I wrote about in my bigamy thread is a fairly unique case. There are more laws and protections in place for military wives today then there were when Sally's situation started.

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>