I am confused?!<p>My ExH wants unlimited contact with me - just like we're married, to dicuss kid things, or to say he's running late or to change pick up/drop off points - whatever.<p>However, when he calls, it basically to tell me what he wants to do and he doesn't have time or desire to hear anything that I have to say about it - so I'm forced to comply. Is this normal?<p>I can't stand this. Yes, I've tried to draw boundaries, but he won't follow any. <p>Latest stunt. He went to work tonite and left the kids somewhere with someone - instead of calling me to watch them, but he won't tell me with whom or where they are. So I can't get a hold of them in an emergency, or if I just wanted to say goodnight. Ex purposely hides this information from me. Like not telling me if he is taking the kids out of the state. Is this normal?<p>I want e-mails to be checked once a day and one phone call about the kids a week. We have a binder that travels back and forth with the kids that carries information. Is this normal? <p>I can't be alone or around Ex because he won't promise not to physically abuse me or sexually harrass me. So I choose to limit conversations.<p>I'm just trying to find out if I'm being unreasonable or if he is. Anyway, he's driving me crazy and I'm trying to set my boundaries, but want to do what is right.<p>Any input about how others deal with their Exs with relationship to their kids would be helpful. <p>Thanks. K

God is in control: However, when he calls, it basically to tell me what he wants to do and he doesn't have time or desire to hear anything that I have to say about it - so I'm forced to comply. Is this normal?<p>Why is this? Why do you feel that you are forced to comply with what he wants all the time? Do you all have an agreement in place that gives him this kind of freedom? If not then you need to get an agreement that will be reasonable, because this isn&#8217;t. It isn&#8217;t fair to your children either, they need stability.<p>I can't stand this. Yes, I've tried to draw boundaries, but he won't follow any. <p>Again with an agreement he will have to follow the boundaries or you can have them enforced if necessary.<p>He went to work tonite and left the kids somewhere with someone - instead of calling me to watch them, but he won't tell me with whom or where they are. So I can't get a hold of them in an emergency, or if I just wanted to say goodnight. Ex purposely hides this information from me. Like not telling me if he is taking the kids out of the state. Is this normal?<p>This sounds like a control tactic, he is letting you know that HE is in control and will do anything that he wants. Again totally unacceptable, but without some kind of a legal agreement you can&#8217;t really force him to do anything. Are you all in the process of any legal action? Even if you&#8217;re not, you can get a stipulation regarding visitation and limits on where your kids can be taken. In most states once you get a stipulation going the parents aren&#8217;t allowed to take the kids out of state without written permission from either the other parent or the courts. You have the right to know where your kids are and with whom, but remember he also has that right. You can have it stipulated that you as parent&#8217;s get first chance at babysitting when the other parent is working. There are a lot of reasonable solutions to your dilemma but you have to get them in form of a court order before they can be enforced.<p>I want e-mails to be checked once a day and one phone call about the kids a week. We have a binder that travels back and forth with the kids that carries information. Is this normal? <p>When you say that you want e-mails to be checked once a day and a phone call about the kids a week are you referring to him or to the both of you? Having the ability to call your children once a week while they are with the other parent is a reasonable request. As far as the e-mail is concerned that may or may not be a reasonable request because of the other parent&#8217;s schedule, but this is what you negotiate. If the binder that goes with the kids has pertinent information pertaining to things such as medical information or emergency phone numbers then this is a good idea, however, it seems to me that this information should already be known by both parent&#8217;s. <p>I can't be alone or around Ex because he won't promise not to physically abuse me or sexually harrass me. So I choose to limit conversations.<p>The answer to this one could also be stipulated that you have supervised exchanges or that the exchange with the children happens in a public place. My ex-husband almost always had supervised exchanges or they were in a public place, this was ordered by the courts. This not only protects you but the children as well. It makes it a lot more difficult for the other parent to start any crap and the children don&#8217;t need to be around with this kind of behavior happens.<p>Given just the information you have provided you are being reasonable and he isn&#8217;t however, without some kind of a legal agreement you will have to choose how firm you can be with him when he breaks the boundaries you have set. The only real way to make this work is to get a formal order.<p>I hope this helps and I wish you luck.

K,<p>This sounds like a very tough situation. I think he's being a jerk by not letting you know there whereabouts. However, you can't control it.<p>I do know his type, because my ex is his type. The only thing that works for my ex is example. For instance, if my ex did that to me, when he called and asked me where the kids are on the days I had them, "I'd tell him none of your business..." Oh yea, he'd get mad and throw his fit but then I'd point out to him that this is what he does so why is he so upset when I do it. Then I'd point out that if he wants it changed, then he must change it with himself too. It'll take a few times of doing this, but I'd stick with that and eventually he'd start telling me.
Here's some examples of things I am changing or have got changed.<p>My ex wouldn't tell me if he was going to drop the kids off at 6:00, 8:00 or 10:00. He's suppose to have them home by 6:00 but he will never do it and he won't agree to even telling me a time that day. So, at first I felt stuck at home, even though I had to go to the store or something, because they may come home during this time. Well, last week, I left around 6:00 and stayed gone until 9:00. He was totally mad because he arrived at my house at 8:00 and waited in the drive. I know him, this will take me doing it two or three times before he finally gets the hint to give me a time. <p>Another example is laundry. He would send the kids clothes home dirty and mix wet clothes from swimming with clean clothes. I told him to please send them home clean and folded as they come, he said "no", there isn't enough time. I said "The days you send them home dirty, please expect the next week to get them dirty from me." He was furious but in the end he never sends them dirty any more.<p>He always thought before I started doing this that I was too responsible to act like him, so he had no fear. Once I prove to him that what he does will also reflect my actions, it seems to work much better.<p>I got this idea from when we were together and he used to stay out all night long. I'd tell him "If I stayed out all night, you would be so mad." He would say, "No I wouldn't." So I stayed out all night long, without calling, without telling him anything, and oh boy was he mad, but then after that things changed and he never stayed out all night again.<p>Yep, there are things that I still want changed and can't, but at least I do feel that even though I have no control over his actions, I can in some way change his alot of his bad choices and inconsiderations for me. It only takes me a few times of doing as he does and then things get better.<p>Well, I hope this helps you out.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

K,
Can you try going to a mediator to set up an agreeable schedule, guidelines, etc?

Legal stuff, GIIC,<p>You need to see someone and get a parenting plan in order that he has to follow. It is NOT acceptable that he try to control you NOW. He gave up any semblance of that when you guys got divorced.<p>A little thing my stbx did tonight....the kids and I are going to the snowfields soon. He wrote telling me to be sure about snowchains and antifreeze, and a lot of other stuff I am quite capable of thinking for myself. Another time, when he was visiting at Christmas, he wanted to hear my stereo. He started adjusting the settings [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . I said "HEY! I like it like that!!!!!!!" He backed off...Another time, he wanted me to leave MY house so he could just stay at home HERE with the kids, but I said no. He has never lived here, this is my home.<p>But you see, they try to keep control, sometimes in stupid ways like my stbx, and sometimes in more harmful and hurtful ways like your X. It is up to US to enforce the boundaries....and at this point, for you and I, who CARES of they don't like it? We have to look after ourselves now.<p>You can do it girl!!!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Is all your court over with?<p>In my state there is something called "The Right of 1st Refusal", which means that the other parent has the right to have the kids 1st before they are placed in daycare or someone else's care. With the ages of your children this sounds like something you should look into.<p>As far as phone contact with children, that's a biggie to me. We had it written into our agreement. If I have the girls and like one of them stays the night with someone else, if my X calls, I make sure that I have the phone number ready in case she wants to call them. We both pretty much call the girls on a nightly basis around bedtime.<p>Hopefully someday there will come a time when co-parenting will come easier but for now anything you want seems like it's going to have to go through court to be accomplished.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

LH is so correct. Since you called you ex an ex, I assumed all custody matters were solved, but if they are not there are lots of things you can get put in the custody papers.<p>Which leads me to a new thread....<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Well, the custody matters wer esort of solved..... but yes, we're headed back to court because ExH, although he says he is being reasonable, is not being reasonable and now I have to explain it to a judge.<p>I don't want Ex to miss out on time with the youngest but he is being so unreasonable that he's only hurting himself. <p>At least I'm finally strong enough notto give into his tactics anymore. Yeah!<p>THANKS for all the advice - and great thread Anna2000! K