I got this idea from God is in Control's thread and Lost Husband's post.<p>I really REALLY wish I would have saw a thread like this during the negotiations of my child custody hearings papers. I missed so many things that should have been in.<p>Okay, I'll start with one advice and everyone else jump in with their advice.<p>Important to add the parent that moves so many miles away from the children must be the parent that does the majority of driving to pick up and drop off children.<p>My ex moved clear across Houston. Houston is like a state...that is a long, long way. In my child custody papers it says we will split travel 50/50. Big mistake on my part.<p>Anyone else?<p>ANNA

Anna,
I don't have anything to add but thanks for posting this great thread...I hope many others will add to it.

Oh ANNA, don't get me started........<p>I thought that I was on top of everything, well a year into it, I've discovered there was sooooo much that I left out.<p>1. Holidays: Be sure to spell them out exactly how they are to be. Like we put Christmas every other year with parent X. When we put that we were getting along and I made the assumption that I'd be able to see my girls a little on X-Mas - WRONG...... Think through all holidays for an agreeable solution. Spell out school breaks. Spell out summer vacations. Don't forget about Mother's/Father's Day. Oh, and while you're at it through in Birthdays.<p>2. Transportation, yes Anna that's a big one. Over my last year I've done 90% of the driving and like Anna I never moved. Spell out drop off points.<p>3. Activities - Trust me, one parent my go crazy, so there needs to be something in there about any activity that effects the other's parenting time and how costs will be shared.<p>4. Phone Calls - We were actually smart enough to put this in. Trust me though, had it not been in there then there would of been times when I wouldn't of been able to talk to my girls.<p>That's enough for Round 1, I'll check back later and might add some more of my SCREW UPS.....<p>The one piece of advice that I would offer to anyone is that remember that at some point you and your X my be totally against each other, so spell everything out. Dot the "i's" and cross the "t's".

you really scared me with that one, I had to look up our standard visitation schedule papers. only thing we got was a standard paper that everyone gets around here, nothing is wrote in our final D judgment. It only has relocation of custodial parent must give 90 days notice which I did, plan to move back home 350 miles away before school starts. X keeps saying he is going to make me meet him half way every other weekend I cant afford that with no job. I will ask my new lawyer when I go back this week to him to sign papers for my appeal(X gets to claim him & military retirement wasnt divided) to make sure Im covered.

Instead of something like "after work" or "after school", have parenting time begin at a certain specific time, such as "6:00 pm". When there are 1/2 days of school or a varied work schedule, you don't want to have to wonder who is picking up your child and when and where. Big P.I.T.A.

Make sure you get something in there about who claims the kids on the taxes..because if you both try and claim them it can be a mess...and if one claims them all year on their taxes and then doesn't have them to claim when it's tax time..boy
do they owe uncle sam some big time money...<p>I claim two and he claims one..<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

I guess I should feel lucky......we have been able to agree on most things and do not need a written document to know what is best....we go with the flow........I am happy about it....I would hate to have it where something was going on and my kids couldn't be a part of it cause it wasn't my time.....<p>I understand that others do not have the relationship I hjave with my ex....I am thankful for that...........

Hurting,<p>I think it's great that you and your x are able to work things out, but....<p>It may not always be so. I feel very strongly that everything should be spelled out to a 't' in the divorce papers. It can save you tons of misery later on.

Get joint legal custody. I didn't and it was a big mistake. She has custody and I have visitation. Fortunately, it's pretty straightforward as long as I don't want any extra time.<p>Taxes is a biggie. If there is one child, try to alternate tax years. If two, each claim one. Without legal custody I don't have any right to claim S on taxes without ex's blessing. Needless to say, she's not giving it.<p>The other thing with shared legal custody is traveling. Legally, my ex doesn't need my permission to take S out of the country (she's from England). But I have to get permission to take him to my parents (who live in the same state).<p>The most important thing is to get good legal advice before anything is put into writing. It's very hard to change things after the fact.<p>P.S. I think our settlement says that we can't live more then 30 miles from each other. And we agree that the one who has S is responsible for dropping him at the other's place.<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: idiotguy ]<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</p>

You got that right Lost and Frankly.<p>I should have posted my full saga here regarding this very situation. Here is the link to show what can happen from D to friendship/coparents to remarriage to nightmare!<p>NEVER assume you will always get along! Even if you have it in writing, it don't mean SH**! Who is gonna police it? But I agree to at least get it in writing, then you can always go back and refer to it as a *reminder*.<p>Co-parenting & Custody Nightmare<p>
BTW...together. Can you tell me how you are going to be handling your move?

Great thread---<p>I had my H keep a life insurance policy until the boys are out of college. If he dies the day after the divorce.....I would lose everything. I need the support for the next 4 yrs.....which is covered in the insurance policy and college for both boys. I wouldn't want to go to the TRAMP for money if something happened to my H. This way the kids are protected....we can stay in our house. I am not sure if this is something that is standard....but my H fought me on it a little until I pointed out that it was best for the kids.<p>MAX

Losthusband - what specifically do you have for phone calls?<p>Also, for Christmas day, and any holiday - what time does it start?<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>Losthusband - what specifically do you have for phone calls?<p>Also, for Christmas day, and any holiday - what time does it start?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Telephone: "It is further by the court considered, ordered, adjudged and decreed that the children shall be allowed to telephone the absent parent when they wish to do so"<p>Holiday:<p>Actually we just re-did Christmas and it will state that the Christmas break shall be cut in half with me having parneting time on the first half during even years and that the exchange time is noon. We also did this for spring break. And went further saying that we each have a week in the summer, but it has to be scheduled 6 weeks in advance.<p>Most holidays we switch days in advance so that neither of us loose time.

I just want to thank all of you for the great advice even though we have been seperate for a yr we are still not divorce, it should be done by the end of summer, if STBX agrees to some things he doesn't know I am asking for yet.<p>so far with nothing in writing we have been able to work together very well. But I really don't see it happening once he marries OW, he is going to have to please her too much & then my boys are going to be hurt.<p>we have 2 sons but as OS is almost 18, most everything will be about YS 10. <p>When does he get the say about what he wants? <p>Thanks

Anna,
What a great thread. I wish I had known to ask about benificiaries on a life insurance policy when we decided to divorce. I guess since my exh is remarried his new wife became the benificiary. <p>I am new to MB, so I don't know your story but I would like to add some advice for anyone who could use it.<p> My girlfriend recently divorced her alcoholic husband. She had it written into the visitation agreement that her exh could not consume any alcoholic beverages while their son was visiting and for 12 hours prior to the visit.<p>I wish I had known I could write that in the agreement. My exh recently tried to pick up our daughter when he was drunk. He loudly denied being drunk of course. Lisa

DOL<p>This is a pretty good site for additional info; I think I got it from the MB boards awhile ago..

Hey all and thanks for such a positive response. I'm hoping this thread can help look out for parents and children going through divorce. <p>Thanks FMD for coming on and supporting the thread.<p>LH, I love your devotion to your children. I am adding this statement to this thread. You made it on GIIC's thread...<p>In my state there is something called "The Right of 1st Refusal", which means that the other parent has the right to have the kids 1st before they are placed in daycare or someone else's care. With the ages of your children this sounds like something you should look into. <p>That was something also not in my papers.<p>Welcome SciFiGal, Together and Milli, and nice to meet you all. You guys are all fairly new and I hope MB becomes a positive part of your life as it has mine.<p>Good ideas Exprincess, IGuy and TR. <p>Regarding claiming the children, from the advice my attorneys gave me, in Texas it's fairly standard that even if both have joint conservatorships, the parent that gets the children support and where the child's primary residence is, will usually claim the children on taxes, even if there are more than one, although anything is negotiable. <p>IGuy, The permission to go out of the country is a great suggestion. There's talk now about that very thing with our government making changes.<p>Hurting, I love it when you come out of lurking. Someday, probably years from now, I may actually see your "jr" come off...sheesh, I bet you are a talker in real life. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I also think it's awesome you and ex can agree on everything. I do hope it continues as things, such as marital and moving situations do change. I NEVER would have guessed my ex would have moved so far away. He was so adament about staying close. I also never would have guessed he'd already be living with someone either.<p>Milli, awesome thread you posted. I love the way you spelled out things you agreed and disagreed on. <p>FSA, Wonderful idea on life insurance.<p>Sing, I wish you luck in your divorce. I hope your stbx does agree on the things you need. <p>Regarding age, I'm not for sure but I think 13 years of age the courts will listen to what he wants. Anyone else?<p>Ya know, I for one had my head up my rear through most of my divorce. It is just a shock to go through. I know if I wouldn't have been in such shock, I would have researched the child custody papers a whole lot more. I guess I thought the standard agreement would already do the work for me. I just thought that all the bases were covered.<p>Thanks again all and keep posting suggestions.<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>In CA child support is payed until the child is 18. However, at age 13 the child can choose to live with mom or dad. Whomever is chosen, if that parent was paying child support to the other, the payments stop.<p>I agree also about having my head up my ***. I was so intent about staying out of court that I gave up way too much in the divorce.

Thanks Anna2000 & all those who responded -<p>I will be doing this in the near future & find this invaluable. Any other suggestions?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>D,

Thanks for the welcome! I usually post on EN forum, but I found this one I am needing more and more these days!<p>Here is one more link I helped another poster -- which includes my full co-parenting plan. Maybe you can get some ideas from it.<p>Co-parenting plans<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>