Ok, I just got this and had to share.....<p>A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"<p>The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I justcame from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts ofan 18 year-old."<p>The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old [censored]?"<p>"Your name never came up," she replied.

World's shortest joke<p>A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".

Is no one having fun this monday??<p>I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ So much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. <p>The very next day the we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." <p>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.<p>But I'm not bitter or anything,lol.... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.<p>Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears
on the top shelf along the wall.<p>The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.<p>After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?" The man says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.<p>"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"<p>He slams the door and returns to bed.<p>"Who was that?" asked his wife.<p>"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.<p>"Did you help him?" she asks.<p>"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"<p>"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of your self!"<p>The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,<p>"Hello, are you still there?"<p>"Yes," comes back the answer.<p>"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.<p>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.<p>"Where are you?" asks the husband.<p>"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I like your jokes ig. <p>Can I add one? It's been around e-mail a few times, but I laugh every time. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>* * * * * * * * <p>Next time you have a bad day at work...think of
this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. <p>Hi Sue,<p>Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.<p>Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.<p>Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.<p>Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I sratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my butt. <p>I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.<p>Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I
could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.<p>When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.<p>As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:<p>"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

idiotguy:<p>"I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw."<p>Spring thaw? That soon? Maybe spring thaw on Mars (which ought to happen about when the sun leaves the main sequence and starts to swell into a red giant - say, in about 30 or 40 billion years). [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Faith,<p>Glad you like them. I'll never think I've had a bad day at work again.<p>Princess,<p>ROFLMAOASTC!!!!!!!!!!! I got a lot of funny looks when I burst out laughing.<p>2long,<p>Hmph. If we had a contest to see who's gone without the longest, I bet I'd win.

A new one and an old fav.<p>How do you circumsize a whale?<p>
With skin divers!!<p>and....<p>What do you do with an elephant with three balls?<p>
Walk him and pitch to the rhino. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ok, pretty bad, but, if you have a few brews in ya the get funnier.

Medic,<p>Is it a sign of a simple mind if I thought they were funny without any beers? "Walk him and pitch to the rhino", this was too damn funny, lol.

Too funny. I was crying so hard.

Not really a joke, but still pretty funny stuff.<p>Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry
***********************************************
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and ester. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda
**************************************
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce
**************************************
Dear Mr. God,I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
**************************************
Dear God,
If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her.
Denise
**************************************
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.<p>Your friend, (I am not going to tell you who I am).
**************************************
God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
**************************************
Dear God,
Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita
**************************************
Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
**************************************
Dear God,
Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then I'm going to get even with my brother.
Darla
**************************************
Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
*************************************
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
*************************************
Dear God,
My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
************************************
Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
************************************
Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny
************************************
Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation?
Jane
************************************
Dear God,
In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he
steal you idea?
Sincerely, Donna
***********************************
Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank
***********************************
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Eugene

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Here's a couple I got by email too! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.<p>When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.<p>He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."<p>Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much.<p>=================<p>Actual classified ads found in American newspapers:<p>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.<p>FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG<p>FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG<p>GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.<p>FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.<p>1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer<p>SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.<p>COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.<p>FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.<p>NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY<p>HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"<p>GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.<p>NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE<p>TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.<p>EXERCISE! EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.<p>JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.<p>ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER<p>OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS<p>FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.<p>Credit: Darlene Prohaska.

I.G.:<p>"2long,<p>Hmph. If we had a contest to see who's gone without the longest, I bet I'd win. "<p>Probably! ...what time is it, anyway? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

2long,<p>That's just not fair, I don't need a clock, I need a calendar.... Actually, a couple of calendars, lol.

Damn it!!!<p>One of my Buds just pointed out I messed up the first joke. It's supposed to go...<p>How do you circumsize a whale?<p>
With four [fore] skin divers!!<p>Dopey me. I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.<p>And no, it's quite ok to laugh without the brew. It's just that beer seems to make it just that little bit funnier.

This will no doubt get me in lots of trouble with the ladies on this forum, and it would get me recognized if any of my crass friends were ever likely to surf this forum (they're not), but here goes.<p>When the movie was new, I rephrased Forest Gump's line "Life is like a box of chocolates" to say "Box is like a life of chocolates."<p>Had my friends laughing so hard they were in tears on the floor. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

2long,<p>It gets funnier the longer I think about it, lol.